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8 replies

Justified in Being Mad or Pushing Away

H hoosierMember
I am feeling really mad at my T right now and not sure if I my anger is legitimate or if I am using anger to create distance and keep my defenses intact. I have been seeing her for about 6 months and have grown really attached to her. I thought I was making a lot of progress. She has been working with me to talk about a very painful time in my life and finally two weeks ago, I did. We pushed it because we were planning on working through it before my mother arrived in town for the holidays which is often anxiety provoking. The goal was to have a good plan in place during that visit. After really making myself vulnerable and making what I thought was a break through, my follow up session last week was very disappointing. My T was very distracted by some admin thing going on in her office so we started about ten minutes late and then she started me off with questions that had nothing to do with the "big disclosures" I had made the previous week. Before I knew it, the session was done and I felt really confused why we didn't address either my mother's impending visit or the subject matter of the previous week. So I was all geared up to bring these up this week in my session. Unfortunately, my T cancelled this week because her new puppy has parvo and almost died and she had to stay home with it to give it meds. She also cancelled next week's appt during the abbreviated holiday week which I had not expected. So our next session wont' be until December 1, AFTER my mother has been here and gone. Then she takes her annual two week break at the end of the December. This leaves me feeling the most vulnerable I have ever been and she basically left me hanging without support after encouraging (badgering) me to talk to her. WTF? I am so surprised and disappointed. She also knew that yesterday we were putting our 16 year old dog down and didn't even email me to check in or otherwise communicate with me. I am now just really angry. But I also know that in the past, when my T (not this one) got close to the hard stuff, I typically found an excuse to stop therapy or avoid. Am i doing that now using this as an excuse to push her away? Frankly, I feel like quitting therapy altogether at this point and am really hurt by T's actions (or lack thereof). Anyhow, that's my rant. Thanks.
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N ninnMember
Hoosier, I think your anger is real, from what I can tell. You had an expectation, one you told T about, and then a plan, and then it fell through, because of cancelled sessions. You say you are hurt. I believe you are. What you do now, though, is up to you. You still have unmet needs. Is it possible you can call and get a different appointment or even a phone session? Do you have phone contact or email contact?

Sometimes, I think, my T can get caught up in her own work and other clients and other plans and her holiday, etc., that I may need to speak up about a need, to remind her that there is something very important to me still. She has, in the past, told me to call and leave her a voice mail if I need something. I rarely do this, but I will in crisis or if I think she can do an extra session.

Keep talking about your feelings.
lamplighterlamplighterMember
Hi Hoosier.

No matter what the reasons for it, it sucks that you’re having to face such disruption in your therapy, with the prospect of yet another long break after you do get to see your T again Frowner.

I have to say that if I were in your place I’d definitely be feeling let down, betrayed, confused, frightened and angry. To build up to having you expose deep and painful things and to talk about working on finding strategies to help you cope with seeing you mother, only to then be left high and dry – effectively abandoned – to deal with your feelings and your mother alone, does not sound like very good therapy.

Having said that, there are obviously reasons for how your T has been (the admin stuff, her dog being ill) that doesn’t really indicate anything deliberate or manipulative in her dealings with you. Frustrating, disappointing and feeling abandoned though, all those are perfectly valid responses (IMO). So I reckon you have every right to be feeling really angry – that doesn’t mean you’re avoiding or trying to find a reason to quit (even though it might feel like quitting is the only thing you CAN do to feel like getting some control back.) I’m going to state the obvious and say that the moment you do get to see her again, that you bring all these feelings to her. Though I expect the fallout from your mother’s visit will probably supercede how you are feeling now. Do you have out of session contact with your T? Perhaps you could text or email her about how it’s all making you feel?

I’m sorry that you’re having to deal with your mother’s visit without any support from your T, I hope that you get through it ok.

And I'm really sorry about your dog. That must have been awful for you Frowner


LL
H hopefulMember
Hoosier,
I think I would be upset. Mine never opens up conversation with me other than the weather and I briefly comment and then begin...didn't read all the responses to your post just giving my thoughts. For me at this point maybe I can be kind of direct with people occasionally and I would (if that ever happened with my T) I would redirect her into what I would want to talk about. Although I would be taken aback and probably stressed just because in my counseling I have gotten used to having to open conversation and probably would make for ineffective resolution on the mother visit. Life has its' reasons for needing to reschedule BUT sounds as though she is not very available and I would be frustrated with that. I hope things get better for you.
Hopeful
H hopefulMember
Hoosier,
I'm not taking down my other post. I guess it just upset me that your T does it like that...although they are all different but I realize from AG's recent blog and from others that the reason they let us start is so that it is all about us and now I've come to appreciate that...it sounds like your T has issues that are impeding on your session and things happen but maybe it's distracting her and that is upsetting so I would be upset if my session was lost because she started with something and I never got to talk about what I had intended to talk about.
Take care,
Hopeful
H hoosierMember
LL: Your post was so spot on. I appreciate a reminder that not everything that doesn't go my way is because someone is deliberately trying to hurt me. I don't think my T would do that but she is being obtuse about the impact she is having on me (and likely her other patients). So I guess I just needed a reality check to gage whether I was "entitled" to be angry and yours (and everyone else's) posts helped. Thanks.

And thank you for acknowledging the loss of my dog Indy (see a theme?). It was a very hard day for my whole family.
H hoosierMember
UPDATE: So I took Ninn's suggestion and emailed my T last Thursday letting her know that I really would like to see her. She responded on Friday that she would "fit me in" next week (this week) but didn't offer any appointment times. On Sunday, she offered one appointment that, of course, is the only time I cannot meet with her. So she asked when I was available and I gave her all my times that I could meet with her. She emailed back that the only opening she had was the one cancellation. WTF? Why ask me for my schedule then? Giving me first choice of cancellations does not seem like "fitting me in" which had at least given me some hope of seeing her this week. Oh, and previously we had scheduled my appt. this week for Monday but two weeks ago she asked me to move it to Tuesday to accomodate her schedule. Then I had a conflict and needed to change it back but was "too late" in doing so (even though we had just changed it two hours previously). Oy. So not happy with her right now. I am resisting the urge to email her and terminate completely. I think LL is right that I am feeling that because that is the only control I have over this situation. I am so disappointed.
lamplighterlamplighterMember
(((((( Hoosier )))))))

If I were you I'd be seriously contemplating quitting too - your T has really been messing you about with scheduling appointments and the message that is giving must feel pretty rejecting Frowner

Mind you even deciding to quit, while letting you regain some measure of feeling in control, can be a short lived relief. From my reading of it, this is an unusual situation in your therapy? You don't say whether you can get in to see her this week? I do hope so as this is major stuff to try and resolve with her.

Even if you have to wait until after your mother's visit before you can get to see T, I reckon it's still worth hanging in there and not quitting until you've had a chance to speak to her first. (As a tip when I've been in this kind of situation, feeling so frustrated and angry and powerless that quitting seems the only way to get that sense of control back, I take myself off and peruse therapist registers, looking for a potential new T. I don't necessarily go and make appointments, it just makes me feel better, having something concrete and useful to DO that lets me feel like I have some say in what happens in my life. Perhaps you could use a similar trick to get you through?)

I'm really sorry your brave attempt to get an earlier appointment blew up in your face like this. I really do hope though that you can get that appointment this week and not have to hang in the air until December.

(((( Hoosier ))))

LL
H hoosierMember
Thanks for the understanding LL. I didn't get an appointment with her this week. The best she could do is next Thursday. I did at least tell her I was upset with her and she expressed surprise at that. Which of course made me mad since she doesn't even recognize that she's left me hanging out here. Grrrr. I won't do anything until I talk to her but I am resigned that this will create a significant breach in our relationship which I don't know can be mended. But thanks for your kind words.

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