Just a little update on me:
I'm sure some of you know, last year I started seeing my "current" (ill get to that in a moment) T here at my university due to past traumas from my childhood, depression, panic attacks, anxiety etc. This year when I came back, I was totally completely different and I had decided to only see T once a month cos there was really no more need for me to see her on a weekly basis anymore. At first it was great and I was handling it pretty well considering how attached I had gotten to her, but come late September slash early October, life decided to throw a bunch of curveballs at me. I tried to handle em in the best way possible on my own without needing to run to T, but in the end, I couldn't handle it on my own. I went crawling back to her more and more frequently until I felt myself being completely dependent on her again and almost getting back to needing to see her just to feel ok. For me, I got disappointed in myself because I knew I was sliding back to where I was last year. Truth was, I got jealous. I got jealous that other people were getting to see T the way I used to, and I wanted to be in that position so badly even if it meant being depressed and anxiety ridden again. I did not want to get back to that point and in an emotional session last week, I told T I needed a complete break from her. I told her through tears that I needed time really realize that I don't need her to feel fulfilled or depend on her for my emotion or mental wellness and even though it hurt my heart so much, I needed to cut her off for a while. It's soooooooo hard knowing she's so close to me yet, I know if I keep going to her, all the work I did last year would be for nothing. The last time I saw her was a week ago when she went to go see me in a school production that I was in, but it feels like it has been a year! I miss her like crazy and it sucks so bad cos she's so close yet, so far. I know I'll be able to get to a point where I'll be able to check in with her and having a nice normal chat without feeling this need or longing for her. I just don't know how long it will take, which is the main part that is making me feel uneasy.
I know this is a good thing and a chance for me to continue to grow in my other relationships (including one with a certain guy
) I just wish I could share in these experiences with her. Hopefully being home for the holidays will get my mind off things so that I can come back next semester stronger and even more confident in myself that I don't need to depend on her for my own emotional wellness. Right now it's hard and my heart hurts, but I'm getting through and I know our separation is temporary. This year will be good and I'm excited for what's in store for me next semester Hope everyone else is doing good and if y'all need support for T separations, I'm here Have a wonderful day slash night everyone! Shalom,
Diva <3
