Yesss. I'm so there. Maybe it's ego or just trust issues in general, but I've had a hell of a time accepting my dependence on T. I never realized that so many emotions could exist in conflict: longing and revulsion, love and distrust, etc. I've definitely had moments where I thought quitting therapy would be easier. But the more I struggle through this slog, the better I feel. As my T says, "Therapy is about trying something different." If you've never felt dependent before, maybe this is exactly what you need to get your life back into balance. When it feels unbearable, just remember: you are healing! Let the pain push you forward.

Veryhopeful,

Did your T tell you why it's so uncomfortable? I would love to know what he had to say, if u want to share. I had a really hard time with it as well but now I am thinking that it's because it's a really and truly hard place to be in. I can hardly see independent people allowing themselves to become dependent on a therapist.

hi veryhopeful... this is a term that my T uses frequently to describe me. He says that despite my kicking and screaming I have attached to him and that I am making progress... but of course I must kick and scream all the way to that point. I think he's pretty much accepted that this is how it will be.

Like you, I also had to figure everything out by myself growing up. So now I do the same thing. I am trying to figure out therapy on my own and my T says I can't do that. He says I'm trying to keep control of therapy but it's impossible because HE is the one in control.

I strongly resist being dependent because whenever I have tried it I have been hurt. I worked hard to get to the point of being dependent on my oldT and then he abandoned me and I suffered PTSD from his actions towards me. So now it's doubly difficult to trust anyone... never mind a T! If I even take a small step towards depending on my T it's like terror strikes my heart and I just KNOW that things will end badly. My T has done nothing to indicate this it's just all my past experiences that speak so loudly I cannot hear T when he says it's okay to depend.

Trust seems so far out of reach right now. I was going to bring this up on a post of my own. How does one ever get to the point of trusting a T when it seems so foolhardy to toss caution to the wind and to allow someone to have such power to hurt you. I never want to experience again what I did with oldT. It came close to killing me.

Also, like your T my T provides the consistency and nurturing that I need but I won't accept it. I push it away before he can change his mind and take it away from me because we all know I don't deserve any of it.

I'm sorry I don't have any answers for you. This is all so difficult.

TN

Ditto Ditto Ditto Ditto

Every person above has said what happens to me.

I have been in intense therapy for nearly 3 years and even now, this week, today I am in a spot of huge resistance and impasse because I cannot make a step to trust. Leaving therapy feels like the best option right now.

This is the worse type of pain!

So while I have no answers for you, (because if I knew how to fix it I wouldn't voluntarily be putting myself in that hell hole) at least you can read here and know there are others who share your problem.

SD

Hi! I went into therapy knowing I wanted to "fall in love" with my T. For me this is much better than being co-dependent on a boy in a relationship that is not meant to give me as much developmental experience as I need. Anyway, for so long I couldn't figure out how to feel co-dependent about him. I knew I cared cause if a session went wrong like I felt that we didn't connect well, I'd leave feeling very upset. I just felt uncomfort and anxiety with him. So after two years of this I tried something I read about my T's other kinds of training which lead me to want to try what he did. He and his future wife would gaze into each other's eyes in a shared emotion of love giving and receiving and exploring how that was for them. So I decided to try that. I wouldn't say it to him, but I'd gaze with him and think the thoughts "I love you" "love love" "i love you" while locked in his gaze. So I do this without talking with intense eye contact. So far so good. Then he said "you have wonderful eyes!" and I lost it. That was just too much for me. I broke the gaze and said it felt like I was in high school and a cute boy said that i had wonderful eyes and i got scared and excited and insecure and didn't know what to do but had the fantasy of running to tell my best friend in squealing excitement how a cute boy that i liked said i had wonderful eyes. So, after the session, I had to resolve and process what happened and what went wrong. The next session he told me that he said it naturally and in the moment. We talked about how I imagined being close to him and I said I'd sit in his lap, cheek to cheek, and play with his hair and how I like closeness, touch and hair caressing. He asked if i felt love for him. Taken aback at first, I turned away. Then I found that I do. This session I tried the "love"gaze again and it was the most intense eye contact with no words. It felt like I was on drugs as something mystical, optical was happening like my eyes felt like they were dilating and changing focus through the gaze like a going through time (i was not on any drugs!) recognizing in him an amazing boy I used to long to be close to, and my T became like an embodiment of every guy I ever loved. I never thought he was especially attractive but as this happened, he looked so beautiful! I was IN. Love. Wow. A significant change to our relationship. Ever since then, I am not anxious to be with him. But there are still things that happen that I do that rupture and come in between the purity of love-care. If something triggers me and i shut down and push him away, I am so devastated cause I know I am keeping my own self at a distance to love because of my insecurities, fears, unprocessed business. I've had times of intense agony till i managed to figure out and resolve my issue(s). Now that the love has happened, the stakes are higher so to speak, so if something goes wrong, it is more painful. I had to have a sick day at work cause of the need to figure it out. When I shut down, I can't really talk to my T about it. I have to figure something out first then tell him. I research psychology sites on line to find words for my situation and that puts it in perspective and helps me come to terms with it.
I am ending here, but I had to respond to your quest. It is amazing and also can be very painful.
I seriously could have used some drugs to give me a little peace so my relaxed self could help my agonizing self. I was writhing in pain! Being very hard on myself. I much prefer love/people to drugs but the right people can be harder to get sometimes. I don't regret this (being in) love with my T. It is worth the pain and processing. I will work for love! I hope the best for your relationship with your T!

Everyone has said it very eloquently above.

I resist dependency with every fibre of my being. Well, every fibre except the well hidden bit that actually longs to let go. I used to hate that bit and other bits of me would bully it because I was so scared it would get me hurt. When I did get hurt I would add the event to my virtual sticker book of evidence that People Cannot Be Trusted (tm) and every time a T talked about trust I would brandish my virtual book at them and tell them to back off.

It is a really frustrating place to be!

Thank you very much for all your input. It has helped very, very much. Affinity, your post was spot on about slogging through. That's exactly what it feels like, and when it is unbearable...somethings changing; growth. I've always pushed through the pain and it is the healer. I keep forgeting that! Thank you. Liese, it is a huge trust issue and he will have "super" power over me to crush me. My own parents could not be trusted and my first T was arrested for multi-million dollar insurance fraud. I felt raped that I sat with this disgusting person who violated so many. It took me ten years to call this current T. TN, you always say the right thing. I am glad you all took the time to share. I certainly don't feel alone and you all totally understand and that in itself has really helped me. I really appreciate it.