Dear AG... I am sorry that you are in so much agony...I know that place of feeeling invisible, unless your T can hear you... I am in such a place myself...and there is really nothing that can be done, except, somehow to accept the pain, is there..? Yes, that you cannot be "heard enough" here...and elsewhere...that is such a deep lonliness, and suffering. But I believe there is a deep value in this suffering. Yet, there is some comfort here, and elsewhere...that can be found. And reaching out for it, you will find...I hope. In such a place of bereavement, we have to come face to face with something we cannot always understand or appreciate...our feelings, perhaps. I don't really know... I just hink your bravery and acceptance of this place you are in will reap rich rewards. Somehow mysteriously.

I am thinking of you today and sending out all of my care and thoughts to you...

BB

Dear AG
it would have been weird if this did not happen. It is hard, of course, but so utterly natural. We all find the endings and the leavings hard and learning that we can love and lose is an awful norm in our lives. I would only think that great tenderness is the way forward here, great tenderness to the grief and great tenderness to the ache and the emptiness. I send you my tenderness too. You are in a space that we each find hard and yet you have family and friends who are there to lean on and who offer you support. It would be a great break through if you could talk to some of them as deeply as you have talked with your T, maybe a tall order, but some of that intimacy can come into your daily relationships. I deeply feel for you. I hope you keep being so kind on yourself.

AG,
Endings with a T are especially hard and I am sorry that you are hurting. I think you are handling it so well and I am glad that you are taking the space you need to truly grieve such an important loss.

Be kind to yourself.
Sending you warmth and hugs.

Butterfly

((((((((((AG)))))))))))
Hey, lady!! I've been wondering about you! I was a little hesitant to start saying "Where you at?" because you had just mentioned your insane work schedule, so I didn't want to bug you unnecessarily...but I was thinkin' it. I'm so glad you posted.

I am so sorry you are hurting...missing your T. After all you've described of the man, I don't know how you could possibly NOT miss him. I never even met him, and I miss him. Okay, bad joke...just trying to make you smile.

I am sorry you are feeling gagged, like you can't speak, or like your words slide away as if from Teflon (that's a really great analogy, btw...I knew just what you meant! ). So much of what you described is so familiar to me. That turtle wanting to pull back into her shell...I do that, too, when I feel hurt in relationship (or if I'm anticipating being hurt). My T even said I make her think of a turtle. I just went through (am kind of still in...) a very similar feeling after having our couples T end early the last few sessions...and then again after sending him a very honest and detailed letter...like, oh crap, why did I DO that...this always ends badly...this is dangerous and I was stupid to do that...I'm going to get rejected, because that's what always happens...am I never going to learn...check, check, check. So I'm REALLY glad you saw yourself doing this, and saw that you really ARE safe and WILL be heard, and did the opposite thing, you reached out instead...you should be REALLY proud of yourself for doing that.

That said...there is the real loss of not seeing your T, at least not on a regular basis...and not having that 50 minutes where he is TOTALLY focused on you. It is true that others will hear you...but probably very rarely will their hearing be as pure or concentrated. It feels so good to be cared for so intently, doesn't it? To me it feels like basking in the sun. And besides, he sounds like an exceptional person and therapist...not seeing him anymore, at least not on a regular basis, is a real loss to be mourned. I wish I could comfort you in that...pull up a chair, make you a nice hot pot of tea, maybe share something decadent and chocolatey for a snack, and just hang out together for a while.

Big hugs to you, AG...

Love,
SG

Thinking of you AG...are you sure you don't want to quit your day job and start therapy with the rest of us? Be kind to yourself and post when you can.

PG

Dear AG,

quote:

Until my T isn’t listening and I can still feel heard, I would continue to carry the belief that the only place I could be heard was with him.

This really struck me. What a beautiful goal to have, and one that can only be met after the therapy has ended. This is such a difficult period, and I totally get the automatic withdrawal. It says so much, though, that you're aware of it, that you're here, reaching out, asking people to hear you.

You and your T built a remarkable relationship, so the loss must be terribly painful. I'm sorry that this period of mourning has to hurt you so, but I'm sure that the deep connection you developed between you has been worth it. Please go gently.

With lots of warm thoughts for you,
agent

Hi AG
Like the others, I've been wondering if the glow might have dimmed a little! You know you'll be fine but have to go through this rough patch. Breathe into the pain, acknowledge it, let it be there, try not to engage with it and know all your friends here are with you and hearing you.
Hugs
Morgs

((((((((AG))))))))))

no words myself, just thinking of you and praying for you.

(proud of you too. this is a hard process.)

hang in there,
jd

p.s. Strummergirl, I love the smilies!!!

AG,

Thinking of you. You have every reason to be so proud of yourself. I admire your strength and courage to push through this period of change. Please take care of yourself. (((hugs)))

AG. I`m sorry you`re in pain and facing a harder part of the seperation right now. Please, dont worry that you take your time, trapping down on your posting-activity in here. I am sure everyone here understand and are full of respect for your choice. I am impressed that you even manage to hang around here now.

Take care AG. Take you time and post only when you feel ready to do so. (and get some time again, during your week-schedule)

((((((((AG))))))))) Thinking of you xx

Hev

BG,
Perfect response. That’s what I really needed to hear. Thank you.

Beebs,
As usual you go to the heart of the matter. There are lessons to be learned in accepting where I am and what I’m feeling. My T and I had a lot of conversations about being human and that to live a full life, to embrace our existence, is to accept the inevitable suffering and pain, along with the love and joy. There is a richness to experiencing this because I feel him every step of the way. I have learned to move through this because of what he taught me. In some ways, this feels like a final exam, and as with all really gifted teachers, he has prepared me really well for it. Thank you for your care and thoughts. They help more than you can know.

Sheychen,
Thank you for the reminder that “it would have been weird if this did not happen.” So true, and the way you put it brought a smile to my face. And the reminder that it takes tenderness, that its ok to tend to this. I appreciate the reminders.

((((Draggers))))) Have I ever told you that I LOVE that you call him “your lovely T?” Such a perfect description. I promise I’ll be gentle. Thank you, DF, that you continue to reach out and support me with everything that you’re handling. It’s humbling to watch.

Butterfly,
Thank you for the warmth and hugs, both are very welcome and very helpful.

SG,
You’re a total maniac, and I love you for it!

quote:

I never even met him, and I miss him.

ROFL! You did make me smile. : )

I really appreciated everything you said about why I would miss this. The truth is that I loved having that time that could be all about me, and my Ts focus and understanding were always such a rich gift. Of course I miss that. You’re right about me being glad that I could catch it, but I am even more grateful that I had a place in which I could be heard and such caring people to hear me. I am learning to live so much of what my T taught me.

And a pot of tea and snack and hanging out sounds wonderful! I wonder if there’s any way to pull Minnesota closer to NY?

BTW WHERE are you getting all the killer emoticons? Love the big hug one, I actually felt it.

PG

quote:

Thinking of you AG...are you sure you don't want to quit your day job and start therapy with the rest of us?

You have no idea how much I would love to do just that! I couldn’t ask for a better group of people to work with. I would dearly love to return to school to get a Master’s and start clinical work but with one child in college and another starting next year, I’m afraid tutition money is a little short right now. But trust me, if an opportunity presents itself, I’d be off in a second. In the meantime, volunteering on the phone line is teaching me alot. Thank you for saying that to me, it really means a lot that you would think that of me.

Agent,
Thank you, what you responded just touched me very deeply, and allowed me let some of the grief in, which was a good thing. And it meant alot that you recognized that even with all the pain it was worth it. It very much is, if I could go back and do it all over again, I wouldn’t change it, even knowing the pain I met along the way. Knowing that makes it much easier to bear. Unlike the abuse, this is my choice.

Morgs,
Thanks again for all your support. I appreciate the reminder to breathe. My T used to tell me that all the time, to just breathe through it. And though the glow has dimmed, I’m still a little shimmery.

JD,
Thanks for your thoughts and prayers, I feel both.

STRM,
Having your admiration is no small thing for me, thank you. And for the hugs.

Frog,
Thanks for understanding about the posting. I really appreciate how freely everyone gives without expecting anything in return.

((((((Hev)))))))) Thanks!

Thank you all so much! Being able to be heard and to be met with such understanding and care is more healing than you can know. I’ve always thought the crucial difference between despair and grief is that to grieve is to know hope. Even in the midst of our sadness and loss, on some level we recognize there is a way through, that one day we won’t be in so much pain over the loss. All of you help provide what I need to stay away from despair. Thank you.

AG

quote:

I’ve always thought the crucial difference between despair and grief is that to grieve is to know hope. Even in the midst of our sadness and loss, on some level we recognize there is a way through, that one day we won’t be in so much pain over the loss. All of you help provide what I need to stay away from despair. Thank you.

thank you for this, AG...this is so profound...is there some way I can take it in, incorporate it, and not forget it? I think I have to do what you have done....and then keep on doing it, even after therapy is over...
Is it scary being a grown-up, AG?

xxoo,

BB

Thinking of you AG, hope you are doing Ok

PG

Dear AG
You'll have the shimmer in your heart always!!
Big hugs
Morgs

"Killer Emoticons"

Love,
SG (a.k.a. the "Total Maniac")

SG- the emoticons are just so...you. You maniac, you! They are hysterical, and keep making me giggle.

Ag, thinking of you...hoping you are holding on...sending prayers...thoughts...for your strength.

BB

""When I started thinking about why I wasn’t posting, I realized that I am, like a turtle, pulling back into my shell, because I am feeling hurt in relationship."" ag

ag, yep, the turtle, i feel close and good, then a nuance of pain i can't even tell where it is coming from, but THAT person triggers it, possibly just coincidentaly, and i pull in.

glad you are noticing these parts of the puzzle for yourself.

and the bit about speaking and only being heard in t...yes, sometimes i think it is because you can only REALLY speak your mind without polishing it up in t, and there is some truth in that, not within close friends and family, and maybe there is less truth...i think, for me, if i could speak without ANGER, then i could speak up more.

too, ag, i thought...it is like a perfectly good stew...where you are right now...and coming here, somehow, scarily, might tamper with 'your mix'. don't know if that would play a role, i think it would for me. too many potential triggers that i would shy away...unless i felt reallly 'there'...which tells me you feel really 'there'!! completed!!

i understand about the work, fab on you for pulling off family, work, AND T!! gee, for me, t feels like a part time (but full time consuming my brain) job!!

post when you can, don't feel pressure, be kind to yourself first, at least as far as we (and i am just speaking for myself!) go!!

jill

quote:

Is it scary being a grown-up, AG?

Beebs, this both warmed my heart and TOTALLY cracked me up. My T and I have discussed growing up so much, especially as my older daughter leaving for college was quite the trigger for me leaving my therapy "home." This whole transistion has felt like it's been about becoming an adult. That I am trading the safety of the childhood of being in therapy, but without any possibility of engaging fully because of the boundaries, for the risk of being an adult but knowing that in relationships outside of therapy it will be possible to be both fully known and to know fully. So it was a bit of a shock when I read what you wrote and kind of went "wow, I guess I am an adult now." Just for the record, I retain the right to revert to childish behavior at any time. Not to mention, that if the need arises, I can go home again. Thanks Beebs!

PG,
Thanks! I am doing ok. Although occasionally getting sad, in general, I'm doing fine. Work being busy is helping and so is posting here. I haven't lost a sense of being grounded which always provides that sense of being able to move through whatever comes. And knowing I know how to do that, brings my T closer, since I learned it from him. So I'm good, no worries.

Morgs,
I love that "shimmer in my heart!" How incredibly evocative. If you don't mind I'm going to steal that line and use it.

Thanks for the link SG!! Or as I shall call you from this time forward TM.

Jill,
Thanks for the encouragement and understanding. You have a point, it's really not bothering me to come here or even to talk about therapy, I think I may be doing better than I realize.

AG

((((( AG )))))

Makes you wonder why the good feelings can’t stay good doesn’t it? Why does pain and fear have to creep in to mar something beautiful? I suppose if you work on the premise that there are four prime emotions - joy, grief, anger and fear then it’s logical that we can only feel good 25% of the time. Wish it were that simple

I think you’ve been doing amazingly well AG - you’re allowing yourself to feel what’s coming up for you, not running away from it, and you’re facing it square on and understanding it all. I’ll repeat what I’ve said before and what everyone else thinks too - you are a true inspiration!

I hope it evens out for you soon and that you can hold the memory of your wonderful last session to allay the doubts and fears of loss which are bound to keep gnawing away at you over time.

Hugs to you AG

LL