After unloading emotion via a session or in private I usually felt numb for a few hours, and then a little lighter; optimistic, confident, and relieved. Early in therapy those good feelings might have lasted a day or two, more if I wasn’t triggered again. There was a feeling then that therapy was progressing, until more emotion "rose up" to take its place. Soon I was back to feeling anxious, and depressed.

Later in therapy, the good feelings lasted a little longer, and the intensity of the bad was slightly less . Change was insidious.

With a little understanding of the process of therapy I started to predict how I would be feeling. If I felt calmer and more in control of my emotions there was a sense of security. Those were the times I had the most dreams, or nightmares. Dreams seemed to be the lid on emotion. If I dreamt of fire, anger was to the fore. If I dreamt of monsters chasing me, fear was to the fore.

The only time I felt really convinced that therapy was working was when my anxiety level came down. There was also less reaction to rejection. If I felt I was in the right, I could calmly state my case. I began to see that 'losing' wasn't always about me. That other people had their problems and different agendas to mine. The more I got to know me, the more I understood other people. There were people who behaved like my brother, sister, mother, and father, and others with similar traits. 'Positive' people that had been alien to me, and off limits were beginning to interact. We seemed to seek each other out, as we do in here.

I became less needy of people like my family, and less fearful of them. There was less reaction to their negativity, and more understanding of their behaviors. With less angst in store they could sense I was in fact a threat to them. My insight seems to rattle them, as it did to my family.

.