quote:

I feel like, after ten months of intensive therapy, I should at least be starting to project some feelings or desire for unmet needs onto him. Or some anger or something. Maybe because we're both men makes this harder? Or maybe I'm just not connecting with him in the way that would make this possible?

I'm not convinced that transference needs to be obvious in order to therapy to be "working." Different forms of therapy have different focuses. What is the model that your therapist uses? I'd ask him if you don't know. He might have a more behavioral lean. Ask him about transference -- perhaps you have not yet recognized the baggage that you bring to therapy... OR, your emotional state is just different from those posting on these forums...like minds usually find one another on forums such as these.

quote:

I just feel like something is totally blocking my progress and I'm wondering if this lack of transference is at least part of it. Last Friday I was so frustrated with still feeling awful that I could barely speak, and the last thing I wanted to do was to do more talking.

THIS sounds like something worth investigating. Repeat this thought with your therapist. Usually, those "blocks" are at the heart of many of our problems. I'd also discuss (again, maybe) the goal(s) you've assigned to therapy. What are you using the time spent with your therapist to do for you in the outside world? Is it an opportunity to re-evaluate your perceptions/reactions? Do you want to practice reacting before the situation occurs? Usually our goals dictate the structure of each meeting -- my therapists have always been very flexible to my needs, rather than what they think I want.

quote:

Last Friday I was so frustrated with still feeling awful that I could barely speak, and the last thing I wanted to do was to do more talking.

quote:

I feel like, after ten months of intensive therapy, I should at least be starting to project some feelings or desire for unmet needs onto him. Or some anger or something. Maybe because we're both men makes this harder? Or maybe I'm just not connecting with him in the way that would make this possible? As you can see, I'm starting to doubt everything as I get more and more frustrated with this whole miserable experience.

This just might be the transference. Look back in your childhood......w/ father? did something happen? Perhaps you have no memory of it? If you have no memory of it them maybe you have a hard time feeling the transference .......... when in fact you are feeling and/or recognizing the transference!

I suggest that you talk to your therapist about it. Most therapist will not share that a transference exists unless the client asks or that the client begins to act out because of it and it become necessary for the therapist to share this. Alot of times a client will share this. (I shared it with my therapist and she already knew!) Your therapist will work with you to see exactly what it means and how you play out old childhood crap via your day to day life. You play out the old childhood crap by you projecting the old feelings onto your therapist.

The development of a transference is a good thing. Most therapist with some exceptions with cbt, dbt, emdr, TA,...... will not use the transference as a tool for change.

Don't worry about it., Just be honest with your therapist and share your thoughts about it. More than likly your theraputic alliance will be stronger and you'll walk away feeling like a burden has been lifted. Most importantly you will gain so much more insight into yourself than had you not shared your thoughts and feelings about this.

Good luck
Wiz

QG,

Thanks for your feedback. My T doesn't have a real set "model" that he uses, but I'd put it in the ballpark of depth psychology with a mixture of Freud and Jung. He's most definitely not a CBT-ist. I have mentioned transference to him before and I even asked if he was OK that, he said with a smile, "how am I doing so far?" But that was a while ago.

I agree that my blocks are at the center of my issues...blocked anger, blocked sadness, blocked everything.

Wiz,

Thanks so much. I was wondering over the weekend if the horrible feeling I had since last week's session was in some way transference. If it is, it sure feels awful.

quote:

Most therapist will not share that a transference exists

My T would be one of these for sure. I'll talk to him about it tonight and see what he says.

Thanks again.
Russ

Believe me, you are better off NOT having transference. I don't have it with a psychiatrist, I have have it with a chiropractor and it is quite painful to go through. I've had it for over 3 months now and I am trying my hardest to get over it. It is not something you want, trust me.

quote:

Last Friday I was so frustrated with still feeling awful that I could barely speak, and the last thing I wanted to do was to do more talking.

quote:
I feel like, after ten months of intensive therapy, I should at least be starting to project some feelings or desire for unmet needs onto him. Or some anger or something. Maybe because we're both men makes this harder? Or maybe I'm just not connecting with him in the way that would make this possible? As you can see, I'm starting to doubt everything as I get more and more frustrated with this whole miserable experience.

This just might be the transference. Look back in your childhood......w/ father? did something happen? Perhaps you have no memory of it? If you have no memory of it them maybe you have a hard time feeling the transference

I agree with Wiz here. I'll be interested in hearing what your T says!

-CT

Well, we didn't even get to the transference tonight. Instead we talked about how I am able to articulate what I feel I need to do in therapy one minute (namely, bring focus to the sources and targets of my anger and then feel it) and then sabotage all this clarity and sense of purpose and focus by saying how lost and hopeless I feel the next minute.

My T explained that what he hears in this is me saying, "man, this idea of really getting to the anger and feelings is dangerous. Very very dangerous. So, let's retreat to the familiar default position of feeling lost, confused and helpless."

When I said, "wait a minute. Are you saying that I'm doing this consciously?!" he said, "no, but a part of you is using self-effacement and feeling defeated to get you back to a place that is more comfortable, even if it's painful."

I guess this makes sense, but what I am sure of is that it's time to take my anger and stop bludgeoning myself over the head with it and turn out outward.

Russ

Hi Russ:

I'm new to the discussions, but I have been interested in your question beacuse I have been possibly struggling with something similar.

I would wonder how much you trust your T. (He does not sound very outwardly caring). For myself, I was unsure at first and when I found that I could be trusting of him that's when the feelings of transference started to kick in. For me it's not an intimacy thing, it's more like he's the dad or best friend I wish I had.

I've had a few rough sessions over the last month or so and I'm not feeling quite as trusting at the moment and my feelings for him have definately faded. I still care very much for him, but the intensity is definately not there and I'm actually feeling more like what you are describing, angry, shut down, frustrated.

So, I guess what I'm wondering is maybe the trusting/feeling comfortable is what brings it about?

MP

quote:

Originally posted by Russ:
Well, we didn't even get to the transference tonight. Instead we talked about how I am able to articulate what I feel I need to do in therapy one minute (namely, bring focus to the sources and targets of my anger and then feel it) and then sabotage all this clarity and sense of purpose and focus by saying how lost and hopeless I feel the next minute.
Russ

Hi Russ...

Maybe what he is saying is that you need to stop yourself before you go to that place of feeling lost and hopeless. That is to say...you need to stay with your anger and continue to focus it where it needs to go. Don't drop back to the familiar "fox hole" you've dug for yourself.
He's just sort of following you around the mine field. That is his solution...as to the pacing of your therapy. He seems to be sensing your need to drop back and does that to keep you feeling in a safe place and comfortable, in your discomfort. He wants you to see your discomfort, and process that, so that you will be strong enough in your resolve to move through your anger.

I find this approach extremely frustrating too...sometimes I feel I need to be pushed, just a little. Simple encouragement will usually help...but some T's, don't work that way. Especially, when they see us more than once a week. They always want us to lead the way...but also want us to believe that they are shining the light into our darkness. What they really seem to want, is for us to take that "leap of faith" into the abyss, all on our own. They will never tell us this...but we get it...don't we?

The other thing I find frustrating is when my T seems to want me to drop back to "remedial" therapy and cover a ton of stuff I've already been through.
I know it has some value...but is it worth making me crazy? Arrrrgggghhhh.....

You have my empathy...Russ...I hear where you're at and it's crazy making for sure.

SD

quote:

Originally posted by Missing Piece:
I'm actually feeling more like what you are describing, angry, shut down, frustrated.

So, I guess what I'm wondering is maybe the trusting/feeling comfortable is what brings it about?

MP

Hi MP....

Can you talk a bit more about this? *damn...doesn't that sound therapeutic?*

I'm just wondering where you are in your therapy and what has you feeling these things?

SD

Hi MP,

When you ask if I trust my T, in what way do you mean? I will say that it's true that he's not very outwardly warm and/or caring, but I don't think that means he doesn't care about me. I think his style happens to be one that is more clinical with a professional distance. I've read that your T isn't there to be your best friend, and I tend to agree with that. And while it bothers me sometimes that he's not very demonstrative or emotional (which isn't to say he's a robot at all), I think I'd prefer that over a T who is really emotional and/or reveals things about himself. I'm not sure why I feel that way, I just do.

SD,

Everything you describe is right on the money. I think that's exactly the case with my T. He will never, ever, ever give me the answers, and THAT is frustrating. It's like I'm wandering around in the dark and he'll ocassionally poke me with a stick to keep me on the right path. He's trying to get me to see how I think, which is so hard when you have NO distance from yourself.

So yeah, it's frustrating.

Thanks for the replies, all.

Russ

Russ, It sounds like your doing some real good work in therapy. Therapy is painful. You have courage for facing an unknown. Don't worry about about the transference. My guess is he already knows ....... when an opportunity arises bring it up. It's part of your therapy process.....

Listening....
Wiz

quote:

Originally posted by Wisdom:
Therapy is painful...My guess is he already knows ....... when an opportunity arises bring it up.
Wiz

Thanks, Wiz. Your right, it's painful as hell, especially when you feel stuck.

I'm sure he knows. Gonna bring it up again tonight since I gotta get it off my chest.

Russ

Russ, how did your therapy session go today?

Wiz

hey Wiz,

My session was last night and it went pretty well. I'm just frustrated with where I'm at, and it pretty much all comes down to that. I very calmly told my T all the things I had on my mind, about all the things about him that make me angry, etc. and he was, as always, totally stoic.

He did make a point to say that "this conversation is very, very different, and I wonder if you know why." Of course, I wasn't sure, but mentioned the whole transference thing. He typically neither confirmed or denied this, but told me that I should give myself more credit for my own insights and clarity of feelings. So I guess that was good.

Thanks for asking. Hope you're doing well today.

Russ

Russ, I get so frustrated with my counselor too -- I wonder why I'm going if it seems that the bulk of the progess is made with just me talking out loud. I think that I still want him to save the day. Of course, he doesn't, he lets me save my own day -- I suppose that's the frustrating part. It's DIFFICULT to own your thoughts & emotions....

The past few months I identifed a transfence with my therapist. I brought it to her and she agreed........ tho not at first. She needed to hear me. Gropple. Stumble. Forever doubtful. Insecure ........ She eventually said that we have a great direction in which to go now. She was certain herself as she was feeling it too.

So we have "together" started on a journey. It is hard work....... I still gropple.. Its painful work

Hang in there with your therapist. He knows whats happening. Your wanting a red flag to go up and acknowledge without a doubt there is indeed a transference. Relax. In as much as you doubt... he is in control and he knows what he's doing. He won't hurt you....... let it happen.

Was ambiguity difficult as a child? Transference is all about replaying past relationals into the present with people who unconciously remind us of ....

What do you think

Wiz

Thanks Wiz,

Can you tell me how you were able to identify your transference? You're lucky your T agrees and acknowledges this. I mention it to my T and he responds but he might as well be speaking Russian. He either says nothing, answers my question with a question, or says something that goes right over my head.

At least now when he does this, I have started telling him that I don't know what the f he's talking about and he needs to start speaking to me in normal, human language.

Russ

I was able to identify my transference by seeing just how strongly attached I was. During the week I would miss her and then when my session came I wouldn't be able to say anything other than day to day stuff. I looked forward to seeing her. (still do) I had feelings that I needed her to fix things...... Admiration. Respect. I was obsessed at times. I saw her as nurturing. I still experience it all. And I get mad at her. And she still stays and doesnt change.

When I told her that she was stoic. Seemingly cold. We talked about it over time. I tried to stay focused and talk about my feelings rather how pissed off I was at her behavior towards me. I think when I began to have real feelings emerge is when she opened up and we started talking. We now laugh.... she shares a personal part of her with me. I treasure this. She explained all of it thru our relationship and work we had done to that point. I understand transference now.

Today we talked about our closeness and where it will lead us in discovering ....... she reassured me that we are in it together.... Told me to stop trying to figure it all out

Russ, Be patient and give yourself a little slack and your therapist too. Your therapist know whats happening. Rest assured. He does care and he knows what he is doing.

Did you ever encounter anything like this as a child? You were anxious to know where you stood to an individual. Could this be a replay of your past projecting it onto your ther? This is a good thing..... transference

Lemmi know how you do...... my therapist is off on vacation till the 23rd. I see her on the 23rd and she the goes back on another vation until April 2. Long days ahead.

Wiz

quote:

Originally posted by Wisdom:
I looked forward to seeing her...I had feelings that I needed her to fix things...Admiration. Respect. And I get mad at her. And she still stays and doesnt change.

Well, I guess the good news is that I have these same feelings and experience for/with my T, despite all the other stuff.

quote:

Originally posted by Wisdom:
Did you ever encounter anything like this as a child? You were anxious to know where you stood to an individual. Could this be a replay of your past projecting it onto your ther? This is a good thing..... transference

I think I experienced this with both my parents, but it was repressed or unconscious to begin with and therefore I have trouble remembering. But, I have little doubt that I didn't know where I stood with my mother at times, and I really had no clue what my father thought of me, other than feeling like he didn't like me.

Thanks again, Wiz. I'll keep you posted. Keep doing your great work.

Russ

"I have little doubt that I didn't know where I stood with my mother at times, and I really had no clue what my father thought of me,"

Sounds like you still feel that way as an adult

"It's DIFFICULT to own your thoughts & emotions...."

Understandable since your parents gave you no feed back. What does or doesn't belong to you. I can see where it would be important for you to have that from your therapist

"I wonder why I'm going if it seems that the bulk of the progess is made with just me talking out loud."

Sound to me that you are making alot of progress by talking! Therapy is not only "talking out loud" but also yourself listening to what your not saying. This is your process. He is managing this....... he knows what he is doing for the better of you and him (for the transference). He will guide you as he see's clinically appropriate. Together you guys will journey deeper into the transference

"I guess the good news is that I have these same feelings and experience for/with my T, despite all the other stuff."

Like myself, your feelings will constantly change. All part of the process. We love it. We hate it. We love them. We hate them. We might not like what decisions they make but they are good parents. Wait that out and watch your response w/emotions ......thats part of your process

Wiz

quote:

Sound to me that you are making a lot of progress by talking!

I think evidence of progress is that I'm sharing at all!

Is it really transference to desire to spend time with your therapist? I don't know if it's really him that I'm itching to see, or if it's the woman that I become (or wish to become) when I'm in that little room.

It seems to me that we all put too much stock in what our therapists can do. When I am really struggling, just out of my mind with self-loathing, he'll often just sit quietly. In the last meeting during a particularly low point, he asked me what I'd tell me if I could be in his shoes. It shocked me so much it was difficult to construct an answer until I concluded that it must be a psychologist-trick. Why else would he not have any inkling of what to say to me when I'm so depressed that I can see no reason to hope? I came up with an answer dutifully but later, he admitted to not having any idea what to say. This really made me flustered and I carried the feeling with me for several days. It made me feel like such a crazy, over-emotional idiot to have stumped my psychologist because I was wigging out.

I don't want to go back. I think I've ruined whatever I created back there and now I care too deeply about how he perceives me.

quote:

Originally posted by QueenGrey:
I don't know if it's really him that I'm itching to see, or if it's the woman that I become (or wish to become)

I can relate to this. I've been feeling incredibly lonely lately, but I don't necessarily want to socialize either. So, I think that I'm lonely for myself, if that makes sense. That part of me that took a walk last May and hasn't been seen since.

I often feel alone and very frightened. I mean actual, physical fear. My T says this is a manifestation of how I felt as a child...with a distant father and a mother who was marginally affectionate at best. I had repressed these feelings then, and now they're coming out.

I like the idea that there's an improved version of our self inside us waiting to come out. Kind of like the old self was hauled away for a total overhaul...or, that our improved self is still in the oven, baking.

Russ

Russ,
I don't think its so much an improved version as it is FINALLY you being able to come out. All these feelings that you're experiencing now because you didn't then, was also a long slow process of locking who you were, and what you felt in a prison because there was nowhere for you to be and become that person.

Now your therapist has created a place where not only is it safe to express these feelings there's someone dependable that can help you deal with them. You're in the process of meeting yourself.

In my recent session where I really hit the grief and then felt very clear, I was actually suprised to find myself thinking "so this is what it feels like to be me." The person you are doesn't need improvement, he just needs to be freed.

AG

quote:

I like the idea that there's an improved version of our self inside us waiting to come out. Kind of like the old self was hauled away for a total overhaul...or, that our improved self is still in the oven, baking.

I like that idea too. I look at myself like a broken jar. At some point I cracked and then shattered but my efforts to put myself back together again just drew blood. I feel like therapy is my time to figure out how to use to pieces to construct something entirely new because I can never be a jar again.

quote:

I can relate to this. I've been feeling incredibly lonely lately, but I don't necessarily want to socialize either.

Loneliness is exactly the adjective to describe my current feeling. Unlike you, however, I didn't repress my loneliness when I was a child. I KNEW I was lonely, they knew I was lonely, but neither of us knew what to do about it. I felt that it was all my fault, so I have trouble reaching out to people now, in my "old" age (I just turned 30 and it might as well be 100).

Rereading my previous post is exasperating -- seems I am always looking for an excuse to never go back to counseling...jeez! I'm so glad I found a group of folks who can relate to how friggin' terrifying it is just to go.

AG,

I like your idea about the self, too. And your comment about feeling clear after hitting the grief is interesting. I could be wrong, but I bet it took a while for you to experience relief like that. I bet you felt like me for a while, namely..."ok, I've felt awful now for months, where's the relief?!"

Last night, my T responded to this. He said, "it doesn't always work like that. It's not like you always 'purge' a certain amount in tonnage or gallons or some other weight measure and then feel a corresponding amount of relief. Remember, you've had your foot against the door of these feelings for a long, long time, and there's a lot in there, and you're still working on experiencing these feeling in their proper context with the past."

quote:

...so this is what it feels like to be me

I bet that feels really, really good.

Russ

quote:

Originally posted by QueenGrey:
I just turned 30 and it might as well be 100.

QG,

This may be cold comfort, but I'm 41, and I wish to God I'd started this process when I was 30. If nothing else, you're doing this at a great age. When you're my age, I wouldn't be surprised if you look back on it as the turning point in your life, and you'll be glad you did it then.

Russ

quote:

I don't know if it's really him that I'm itching to see, or if it's the woman that I become (or wish to become) when I'm in that little room.

This is a transference.

quote:

I look at myself like a broken jar. At some point I cracked and then shattered but my efforts to put myself back together again just drew blood. I feel like therapy is my time to figure out how to use to pieces to construct something entirely new because I can never be a jar again.

WOW! This really hit home. I was cleaning my aquarium last night when I came upon a unknown broken glass container? bowel? cup? I was clueless as to what it was. It was covered with nastiness. Moss, Alga. Slime. After I cleaned all the individual pieces I was still clueless as to what I was! Rather than throw my pieces away I made a beautiful statue out of my pieces. (still doing this) I know I am different from what I had been to start. At this point I didn’t care. I realize that I am now different from what I was originally. I had/have a few left over unidentifiable pieces that I didn't know if I could use them. Rather than throw parts of me away I arraigned them around my statue just for the beauty of it. I'm happening to use all the old shattered pieces to create something for recognizable and beautiful. My statues can be created over and over in as many shapes as I want. Great part of this is that I can continue to change. When the tiem is right and when I am ready to. I'm not stuck to only one form.

I can't go back and change who I have become in relation to my original. (I wont explain my history here, but) Therapy is bringing me beyond the broken pieces. I'll look at who I am now with the pieces and what I'd like to do from here. Maybe I'll ........

quote:

Great part of this is that I can continue to change. When the tiem is right and when I am ready to. I'm not stuck to only one form.

I really love the hopefulness you express here. I need that and am inspired by your sharing of yours.

Thanks

quote:

The greatest struggle i have in therapy is that i don't know who to be because my T doesn't tell me what he wants.

That sounds familiar! I think the point is to figure out who YOU want to be. Your counselor is just a guide. I once told my counselor that I am worried about what he thinks about me and "it would be nice to get past that anxiety." He followed my statement up with, "Well, maybe that's when you would know the work is done in here."

quote:

What frightens me is that connection keeps changing and it is out of my control. He was like yes exactly and i am scratching my head wondering how this could possibly be how it is meant to be.

Girl, you and I are like minds! I have come to the conclusion (one I feel in my gut is the truth) that I must stop thinking that I have the ability control everything outside of my skin. I need to get to that zen place where the world can rage around me and that's okay, because I'm less movable. My counselor, my family, xhusband, friends, coworkers -- everyone of them is out of my control BUT I can control myself... I just need to learn how...

quote:

Rather than throw parts of me away I arraigned them around my statue just for the beauty of it.

Hey! That's awesome! I keep wanting to do something visual with the idea too -- I have even drawn several jars in various states. You should post a picture, if possible! I'd love to see it!

I'm starting to suspect that the chronic fear that I have been dealing with for the past 10 months - I mean like real, physical fear with no apparent source - is my mind's way of keeping me from experiencing feelings like those involved in transference.

I have at times felt like I'd like my T to be my friend/teammate in this journey.

Also, there was one night about 6 months ago when I had a horrific anxiety attack. I called my T and he called me back. During this attack, I told him that I was scared to death, that I felt like a little kid, and I wanted to see him and have him hold my hand. He comforted me and said that I would make it through this experience, and emphasized that we'll make it through this together.

But, I don't know what's happened since then. I haven't had any more feelings like that. It's like I started down the transference road, but then just stopped. It's stuff like this that makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with me. Did I miss my "chance" for real healing?

Boy, I feel like such a mess lately, and I can't deal with this friggin' fear any more. If it's there to block some feeling, I wish the feeling would just come out so I could have some relief.

Russ

Russ,
That fear that you're experiencing is what my T calls "the bind." I've struggled with it from the very beginning of my work with my present T. As a matter of fact, it was my "wow, it's wonderful to feel understood, now I have to go" behavior that clued him into my attachment issues.

Here's the thing. We're biologically hard wired to go towards our attachment figures. When we're infants and children it's a life and death issue because we need them to survive. Our imperative to live, is also our imperative to go towards relationship. We need relationships to know ourselves, to be fulfilled, and be able to live fully. But when you experience what we did as kids, in your case, a father who consistently rebuffed any attempts at relationship. Getting hurt, over and over, taught you on a very deep, unconscious level, that to move towards relationship gets you hurt, its a dangerous thing to do. So we try to teach ourselves not to need, not expect, not to go towards other people. But those deep, primitive, life-giving needs don't go away. So you end up in this hellish place where your loneliness and need drives you towards people, but getting too close scares you to death and sends you running the other way.

Add into that the fact that the emotions you are trying to access where stored away for two very good reasons, they were extremely painful and you didn't have the resources to deal with them.

And in my experience, I have been endlessly creative in finding excuses to leave. My T is sick to death of me, he's frustrated with me, therapy isn't doing any good, my feelings about him are too strong and I need to leave because it's not healthy, I can't get better, I am better... ad nauseum ad infinitum. I spent months with my T coming up with new strategies to leave and having my T gently point out time and again that I was doing it again.

I think you're worried about not experiencing a transference you're already in. I think that your Ts understanding, his accessibility and caring for you are really powerful or you wouldn't feel safe enough on some level to start looking at these feelings. But moving towards him is seriously scary, because a part of your brain is screaming at you that you are doing something extremely dangerous. What complicates this even more is that one aspect of moving closer is dangerous. Moving closer will allow you to experience those painful emotions you've been avoiding all these years because now in working with your T you have the resources you need.

The solution for me was to keep walking into the heart of the fear and experiencing something different with my T so that slowly, infintestimally, I've learned that moving towards relationship is actually a good thing, instead of a bad thing. and that when bad stuff happens (as it inevitably does) I can handle feeling it and it doesn't mean the end of the relationship.

I know you feel like a mess, I know you're scared, and I definitely understand you're confused, but you're exactly where you need to be doing what you need to do. And you're much stronger than you realize or you wouldn't be doing what you're doing. Russ, it really does get darkest just before the dawn. It's going to get better, its just that it happens so slowly (and in such a cyclical manner) that it is only after you've come a long way that you can turn and see how far you've come.

You're going to heal. Just keep going back and no matter how scary it feels talk about as much as you can whenever you can. I know this is hard, sometimes so much so that it absolutely feels like you just can't do it. But you can.

(((((((Russ)))))))))

AG

AG,

Thank you a million times over for your kind words. Yes, I'm in a really awful place right now. It's a combination of intense, chronic fear and despair, both feelings without an obvious source.

These awful feelings do feel like they're from some place way WAY beyond my awareness, so your description of "the bind" makes a lot of sense, and the fact that you've experienced this yourself makes me feel much better. I've wondered if other people have had this experience of intense, physical fear without an obvious source.

What's worse is that my best friend who I hang out with most of the time has been gone last weekend, this weekend and is gone most of the coming week, so the loneliness is adding to it all.

quote:

Originally posted by Attachment Girl:
As a matter of fact, it was my "wow, it's wonderful to feel understood, now I have to go" behavior that clued him into my attachment issues.

Do you mean as in, "geez, I seem to be feeling a little better...when do we start seeing each other LESS?"

quote:

Originally posted by Attachment Girl:
I think you're worried about not experiencing a transference you're already in.

I wonder if everyone on the board here is like, "man, when is this guy gonna realize that he's in the damn tranferance already!" I wouldn't blame them. I guess I just have these preconceived notions that this would involve intense feelings of wanting him to be my dad or having some homo-erotic attraction to him. At this point, I'd take either option over "the fear."

Anyway, thanks so much again, AG - and everyone - for helping me. And you all do help me immensely.

Bless your heart(s).
Russ

Thanks HB,

When you were afraid of your T, was it a fear that was with you all the time, or only when you thought about him or were getting ready to go to a session?

Russ

Russ I don't know if this helps but there is just as much negative transference that can happen as positive. Most people think of negative transference as only getting really angry at their T and blaming them for stuff they didn't do. I have a lot fear and anxiety all of the time about my relationships and it becomes especially bothersome whenever I think about or see my T. I have no reason to fear her, she has never hurt me or betrayed my trust but I bring all of this in with me and put it on her I guess. So, it is transference, just not the warm, fuzzy kind.

Thanks for the info, HB. You know, about a month ago, my T did say this:

"Is it fair to say that you are afraid of me and afraid of yourself?" I can't recall the context of that discussion, but I agreed, because it's true.

This most recent bout of dread started back on the 6th after a series of dreams where I was helpless and defenseless. For some reason, our discussion on that night devolved into a frustrating, confusing back and forth and I felt awful all weekend.

Hi River,

Thanks for relating your experience. Yeah, I think I'm into a big mess of both positive and negative transferance/projection with my T. Sometimes I think he's awesome, other times I really dislike him (obviously).

Russ

On the issue of anxiety about therapy. . .

I've certainly experienced my share of anxiety about my therapy/therapist. I could have a completely relaxing day, and be feeling strong, and then on the drive to therapy start having an anxiety attack.

I think it has to do with a number of things: How I really look at myself, dig into all of my issues in therapy. My therapist knows me, and that's scary. What is she going to do with this info? Can I trust her?

So, yes, going to therapy causes a lot of anxiety for me.

Russ,
I am afraid of my T. Let me rephrase that. I am afraid of REJECTION from my T (which I have experienced and is VERY painful). Why do I keep going back? I have NO IDEA!!! Yes I do. I DO have the transference thing going on--big time. It's horrible. Had I known about it before I went in, I might not have gone. However, I wonder if we knew about it beforehand, would it still happen? I'm not sure. It does sound like you might be experiencing some, and perhaps that is part of the reason you are afraid? I am certainly no expert, so just consider that a thought.

I am not new to the forum for everyone. I just changed my "name" for privacy reasons. I have been posting on and off for awhile (ajb).

I have thought of just going in at my next visit and just telling him everything and letting whatever happens happen. I am so tired of these feelings taking up all of my emotional space and energy!! I just might do that. Of course, knowing my appointment is 2 weeks away, it doesn't even feel scary thinking about that right now.If he tells me he can no longer see me because of it, that will be fine. I will just quit therapy. I would not see another T-at least not now for the same reasons I am going in now. At least it will be out in the open. Alot of you say we should tell them, that it is part of the healing process. I think my T did not attend the same schools your Ts attended. He is not as warm and seems more like a doctor. He seems like he wants to hurry up and get the job done-so to speak. I have opened up to him some but not all the way because what I have told him usually leads to him asking me some questions I have no idea how to answer. Then he just sits there while my brain frantically searches for the answers. I panic (only in my mind) and never come up with answers. Then I just feel stupid and like he is thinking I am just a hypochondriac (with mental imaginary illness instead of physical) who is just wanting attention. Then I start thinking maybe he is right and maybe I should not be going wasting his or my time anyway!!

So I guess when I tell him about this transference thing he will say I need to be referred to someone else. I cannot imagine him saying "oh good. Now the work finally can begin." No. He will say, "well I will ahve to refer you on to someone else then." He is not like your T's who are all into the healing processes of rewiring the brain. Well, he kind of is. He does try and teach me to change my thoughts, which,inevitably lead to changes in behavior. But I just have this gut feeling that he will not tolerate transference issues and I am about to be history in his book!!
He can be very stern when need be. It is true that he can also be kind and comassionate. He does not seem to be a "real person". The way I talk to him is diffreent. He is more of an authority figure(which scares the h*!l out of me sometimes). Is that normal? And if so, how do I get past that and be more able to communicate with him?

BLU,

Some T's don't do transference or they purposely don't acknowledge it because that was how they were trained. Before putting yourself out there again can you ask him more about his opinions about transference? Ask him what he knows about it, what he thinks it is, how he is determined to handle it. You can even say that you aren't going to answer any more of his questions until he answers yours and that might take some of the pressure and focus off of you for a bit. His approach to psychotherapy may not be what you are looking for and if that is the case then you may need to find a T who will work with you in a way that better meets your needs and is willing to address these issues. There are very different schools of psychoT training and some actively avoid using transference as part of the process. It may help you to find out from him exactly what his approach it to therapy and his philosophies about how healing occurs. It sounds like you two are not on the same wavelength.

BLU,

Just to add to what River said...I think some Ts do work with transference but don't talk about it. Mine seems totally open to it, but has never once used the word "transference" even though I have.

So, you can ask about it, but you may or may not get the most direct answer because a lot of Ts are careful to not say, "Ok, because of this, you are experiencing this, and as a result you can expect A, B and C to now happen."

Keep up updated.
Russ