Lampers!!! There is a lot I love to hear about in your post- not the least of which, is that you think you will be posting more! fwiw, I have never felt that you didn't belong here just because you didn't have a regular T long-term. Just because it's not the traditional path, doesn't mean than you were undeserving of support with it, or that you had nothing to offer- just the opposite, in fact! So I am delighted to hear your news, and I'm also really scared of posting cause I'm freaked I might chase you off again without meaning to!
there's the both of us!

It sucks that you have to wait 5 weeks to get started.. I hope that you'll be able to survive it ok. I'm so glad to hear that you have made a postive connection with this T- that you actually like him! Yup, that is pretty crucial. I like my T right away. That's probably why I stuck it out so long. But I didn't like the other two I interviewed, good T's or not, and that is why I didn't go for more than one session with them, I guess, now that I read your post, I realize that's what it was! I like Cowboy alright, so I can handle it.

btw- I love your little dancing banana dude up there. And I can't wait to hear more about how it's going.

Love,

BB

LL!!! So happy you found someone. I for one lucked out that my very first T (well, aside from twice as a kid I was forced into) was just as you are describing yours...someone I could connect with and relate to and have been slowly able to and had to learn to stop fighting those needs with. I also can only seem to do those things with a man.

You've always belonged here, but I'm glad you feel it moreso now, as I've enjoyed your posts in the past. I'm also happy to hear that you're connecting. Therapy is hard work and it's not something I could do without the motivation of actually enjoying the person I'm working with. I've had jobs like that too, where even if the work is drudgery, the coworkers make it worth it. Therapy makes me pretty miserable, but connecting with my T makes me really happy and I really enjoy him as a "coworker" in the healing process...so it balances out into a bearable experience. Hopefully as things get worked out and it is less miserable, it will get closer to just enjoying the work of getting better at life.

I am sorry you're on a five week break. I guess the silver lining is that it happened early in your therapy. I'm betting he's not likely to take another very long break for a while, especially if he works with attachment. My first break was two weeks after three months of seeing my T and that was difficult, but manageable. My next break was just missing one single session, but after we'd been together about eight months and I was already hopelessly attached, but still in separation anxiety mode. That was awful! Five weeks is so long though! Can you journal stuff that's coming up for you during the break (or utilize the forum) and then bring it in when he gets back?

LL,

This is wonderful news! After all your T searching, you have finally found someone!!

Regarding the 5 week break, I had a 5 wk break as well recently and it went by so much faster than I thought it would. First week was the hardest. Those last 3 wks flew by. I hope they fly by for you as well.

To answer you q about how did I realize that I was becoming attached. With T1, I was in high school and I didn't want to go to a therapist. My mom made me. So I was resistant and she tried to get me to play games with her, we went on walks, we did just about everything other than traditional therapy. She was so patient with me. I didn't like her at first. Its not that I disliked HER, but I was not looking to make any kind of connection whatsoever.

But about 3 months into therapy, I thought about her when I was an art museum while on vacation with my family. There was a painting of two women walking along a hill and I remember thinking I wish I was in that painting with my T. I didn't understand why I was feeling that way. I was really surprised by those feelings. But it made me realize that I had become attached to her, though I don't think those are the words I put on it. I felt warm inside when I thought about her and she was the only safe haven for me in my life at the time...the only adult who cared about me. I really didn't talk about much when I went to see her. I mostly just sat there on the sofa and stared down at the floor....but I felt safe in those four walls.

From what you've written, it sounds as though you are feeling very optimistic that you will form/or are forming an attachment to this T. Wondering what it is about this new T that feels so right? (other than his integrative/relationship approach that you mentioned).

Yeah LL! Glad you finally found a T you (gasp, is it possible?) actually *like* that's awesome!

The five-week break is definitely not awesome, but hey, all the more opportunity for you to actually miss this T, therefore attaching a bit!

LL,

Yay for you! Crossing my fingers and hoping it lasts this time.

I have to echo the others who have said that you have always fit in here, T or not. You're missed when you're not around. I have always appreciated your posts to me, as they have been insightful and from a perspective I couldn't experience without your help!

I am glad you are feeling the start of a connection with this T. For me, I think it started right away. At my first session my T was a bit surprised when I told her about my attachment to my PT, and she said "That's very unhealthy and self-destructive." She was talking about my behavior and the relationship in general I guess, not quite sure. But I think (and this may sound weird) that her critical remarks and the sort of judgment I felt from her (whether that's what it was or not) were familiar to me from childhood and sort of drew me in. Next I had to read stuff out loud to my T that I'd highlighted in a book. These things were what I found to be true about myself and my past based on schemas. As I read those words out loud I remember crying and thinking it was strange that at my second and third sessions I was already crying in front of this total stranger. Stranger to me though was that she wasn't warm in the least. She just sat there listening to me read and cry. It was awful. I felt so alone, just like as a child. I wonder if there wasn't something there that also felt familiar enough to draw me in. However, at the end of that third session, on our way out of my T's office, she put her arm around my shoulders and said, "It's going to be okay. Things are going to get better, I promise." I think THAT was the real emotional 'hook' for me. Within 3 more sessions I knew I was attached. I didn't know what it really was, just that the feelings and obsessiveness were the same as with previous attachment figures I've had in my past. I started to think about my T wherever I was, started wondering what she would do in this situation, or how she would deal with that...stuff like that. Then I started wondering about her personal life and ended up on Google. Bad idea. But for me attachments are obsessive. I'm hoping through therapy I can get to a point where I don't get like that and can see it coming and be able to pull back and keep myself grounded in reality. I know that's not really too common to be obsessive with people, so hopefully it doesn't happen that way to you, but it has gotten easier over time, I guess.

Glad this guy has an interest in attachment theory. That should be helpful in its own right! Best of luck to you, LL! And I hope to see you around a bit more. Hang in there. Five weeks is a long time, but I'm sure you can find something to distract yourself with. That's always my solution.

MTF

Hi guys, thanks so much Beebs, Yaku, LG, R2G, MTF and Monte for your congratulations and good wishes. And thanks for sharing your own stories as well.

Beebs it’s not that I felt so much like I didn’t belong here (bad choice of words on my part) as that not having a T made me feel like the kid with her nose pressed against the glass - painful. Hey and no way is what you post chasing me (or anyone else for that matter!) away – in fact I wish you’d post more, I miss reading how you’re doing (even if it is painful and awful for you.) I nearly always relate to what you are talking about (though not always able to reply with much.) And it’s good to hear that you like Cowboy T – got to be a good start that!

Yaku I’ve been following your posts about your therapy (and am so pleased that things are really moving forward for you now). Your T is inspiring actually. And thanks for the suggestion of journaling stuff to bring in when he gets back. Lol you can bet it will be novel length!

Interesting this gender thing isn’t it? I ended up shuttling between one and the other, thinking that I ought to like and trust the T no matter what gender they were, but after all the soul searching following the demise of my last therapy, I finally accepted that I just was not going to get anywhere with a female T (my issues). Nor with a male T either unless there was some spark of, well, attraction. It’s all tied up with sex and intimacy ack ack (damn all those Cinderella fairy tales to hell, they have a lot to answer for!)

LG the relationship with your T sounds unique in many ways, not least that you formed an attachment (without knowing what it was) way back when you were younger and more open to emotional spontaneity (ie before intellectualisation and experience set in too much) so your connection to your T strikes me as having developed on a very deep unconscious level. It’s not surprising really that you have such a strong connection to her now.

Yeah I’m now in the position of ‘making’ myself form an attachment. I’ve spent too many years passively waiting for a T to ignite some spark of liking in me, so decided that maybe I could be more open to wanting to like, not quite artificially creating positive feelings, but more on the lines of pushing myself rationally to focus on positives about a T rather than get all screwed up by the negatives. Lol that didn’t really work with the last T, I just could not find any positive feelings for him in me at all, so it’s not all down to me unfortunately SAD.

****Potential triggers in next para ****

Good question about what feels so right about this new T. Hope this isn’t offputting but I applied a test that used to operate unconsciously in me whenever I was out man-hunting. Basically whenever I met a new man (ANY man, not just a potential boyfriend or whatever) somewhere inside my head I’d register this: if I really had to, could I sleep with this man without vomiting. This doesn’t mean I was looking to, and I wasn’t even aware of this internal ‘test’ going on, it was just an automatic measure of creepiness I suppose. All tied up with feelings and exposure and vulnerability and neediness. Once I dug this up out of my subconscious and looked at it squarely, I realized some of what was getting in the way of my being able to feel positive towards a T (I know I know there’s all sorts of dysfunctional and pathological stuff involved here, but I told myself that all I can do is go with who I am and where I’m at in any given moment, instead of beating myself up for having such pathetic internal messages.) And I realized that new T had actually passed this ‘test’ already. Accepting that has sort of given me permission to allow all sorts of needy feelings to surface which, at the moment anyway, I feel are ok to put onto new T.

**** End triggers ****

Having said all that, I think he is also a good T. A more realistic thing that made me feel positive towards him is that I get the sense he is ‘present’ and ‘there’ for me in sessions, in a way no other T has managed to make me feel. Actually, I think also I responded to some sort of genuine interest on his part in me, personally, again something I’ve not picked up from any other T. It’s all very subliminal on that ‘sensing’ rather than verbal or intellectual level, and of course could change over time. But for now, I’m going with it

Lol R2G, I don’t ‘do’ missing people. Five weeks is unfortunately plenty long enough time for me to completely forget about him, or at least, forget all the positives I now feel. Can’t be helped though eh? Ts and their breaks, who needs them?

MTF those are really interesting comments about the attraction of familiarity, even a negative kind of familiarity. I can really relate to that, I’m very sure that quite a lot of what’s attracting me to this new T is all tied up with the hazy (inaccurate) image in my head of my father – a combination of authoritarian, strong, certain, confident with an undercurrent of constant detached caring. (The ‘strong silent type’ lol.) It’s all bollocks of course, my father was authoritarian alright, but weak, emotionally illiterate, selfish, superficial, and swayed by whatever strong woman happened to be around at any particular time telling him how he should run his life (and children.) Though underneath it all he probably did care, to a point. No prizes for guessing I’ve internalised an idealized image of him which I keep trying to find in other men. But I reassure myself, and maybe this might reassure you too, that part of that attraction to familiarity is us trying to undo past patterns – so the ideal is exactly what you have with your T – the negative familiarity that is actually countered by the previously unmet caring aspects. A good way to work through old stuff I reckon. I hope your T is able to help you sort through the obsessive aspect of your relationship – you haven’t written much since deciding to give it another go and getting weekly sessions, how has it been going? Good I hope!

Lolol Monte, I appreciate the advice about trying not to be too afraid – and I do understand it serves a purpose, not least that I’ve actually got real feelings to work with now, but I have to say I AM afraid, it’s fear that operates all the time in my set up. I take courage from hearing your story, how you’ve faced (and keep facing) the fear and pushing ahead despite it.

The way you describe how you recognized becoming attached REALLY rings bells for me. That’s all the fearful stuff isn’t it? And the fact of T suddenly having all this (emotional) power, yeah that’s already operating with me – never was an issue with any of my previous Ts, at least not to that extent because the absence of positive feelings on my part kept me safe and didn’t give them that power. Now here I am voluntarily!!!!! handing it over. No bad thing in terms of therapy though. Just scary and potentially extremely painful and well, all the stuff that therapy is supposed to deal with.

Once again thanks so much everyone for replying. I appreciate your responses very much

LL

hi LL!
i am so glad you feel positive about your new T and i hope it will continue to go well! i also hope that he's capable at handling negative feelings as well (when they do come up).

being attached sucks... but they say its a good sign!

take care,
puppet

LL... I'm late to this thread but I could not be happier that you have found a T who is a good fit and who ignites that spark in you which may flame into a true attachment. I am also beyond thrilled that you will be hanging around with us more and posting more. I have always found you posts so helpful. I'm sorry that you found yourself with your nose pressed against the computer screen, looking in, but you have never for a moment been considered an outsider by us. You are one of the family!

In answer to your question about attachment... well... with oldT the attachment and attraction was almost instant and very intense. I think it was by the third session with my son... not even my own session as I had not yet begun to see him individually... that I felt this "something" that I could not explain. I didn't know about attachment 4 years ago. I just knew I felt better, calmer, happier, and safer when I was with him. It was a very turbulent time for me with my son and my mom was dying and work was a mess and I was so exhausted. He seemed to make everything better. What was so puzzling to me was that he was NOT my type at all, physically. He was not a good dresser, was a bit distracted and disorganized, was even shy and not very "touchy-feely". We never even shook hands when we met. But I thought he was brilliant and so kind. Looking back I must have been delusional LOL. Well, he was brilliant until I caught up to him and over took him in knowledge of attachment and trauma. It is still a mystery to me how instant and powerful my attachment was to him. And how dreadfully painful and soul crushing it was to be abandoned by him.

With my current T... it took longer to begin to feel the pull of attachment. I saw other Ts in between old and new T and there was not even a glimmer of a possibility of attaching and I knew that and that is why I didn't stay with any of them. Aside from that, there was an indefinable feeling I picked up from them that attachment was not something they would welcome from me. And somewhere in my shell shocked mind I KNEW I needed a healthy attachment to a T to heal.

My current T totally understood attachment and why it was necessary and he was very open to it, encouraged and actively welcomes it. He was not afraid to use the word "love" in the therapeutic relationship. The problem was that I was so traumatized and depressed I could not feel anything for anyone. I was numb and terrified, like a wounded animal who would not let anyone come close to them. But my T was very patient and just kept being his kind and accepting and consistent self and slowly as I began to heal I began to feel something for him. He became my light. He is the kind man who took me in when I was cold and scared and starving. He brought me back to life and I began to really "see" him and pay attention to who HE was. He was not just the guy I went to see who was not my oldT. He was MY T and he cared for me and I cared for him. I would say it was three months before I could feel anything for him. It was when I began to notice what he wore to session that a friend of mine said she realized I was getting attached. She is a wise person.

It is now ten months I am with him. A few months ago I told him that I was becoming attached. He was very pleased. I now commonly refer to him as my attachment figure to him in session. He understands and respects the role he plays in my life.

The thing is... that even in my shell shocked stupor of last September, I somehow knew that if I could get past the worst of the grief there was a very real potential for attachment with him. I knew I just had to find the strength to hang in there long enough and it would happen.

Hope that helps, LL. I look forward to hearing about your sessions with your new T once he is back from his vacation. Gee...5 weeks is a long time. I hope you will pass the wait here with us.

Hugs
TN

Hi LL,
Sorry I am just catching up with the great news that you now have a T that although is early days with you seem to be very positive towards (even though the break sucks). I found my T via a close and trusted colleague who vaguely knew what my experiences are about and passed on her number to me, and what I liked about her before I met her face to face was that she was willing to text me first so I did not have to speak out loud. Then we met and she was really open about why she became a t (she was a Samaritan) etc and why she works with women survivors. The attachment bit (which I hotly denied for a long time - I thought you could get through attachment pyschotherapy without attaching) came when I read her a letter addressed to Freud as I could not address it to her about the fact she was going away for 2 weeks, I admitted in it that I would miss her - me of all people) and we are still working on it as she is the first consistent therapist/other person I have ever had in my life. Don;t know if that's of any use. I shall look forward to reading more of your posts if you post about this new t and your work together

Puppet, TN and JMB thank you so much for the good wishes

TN thanks for sharing your story about the differences between OldT and NewT. If it’s any consolation at all to you, I for one have learned an immense amount both from the horror of what happened with OldT and also from how you’ve tentatively but courageously persisted in working with NewT. And I’m very grateful that you have continued to share how things are going with you.

JMB I remember your letter to Freud because you mentioned a while ago that you had a blog and I do read it. So you actually read that letter to her? Good for you. And I’m pleased you are feeling safer with her and even attached (so long as that’s a positive thing!)

Well I’m now two days into this five week break and in inimitable LL style have managed very successfully to not even think about T or therapy or anything particularly emotional. I haven’t got to 55 without having brought the art of spontaneous distraction almost to perfection . I’m a bit scared though that I’ll manage to completely wipe out all these positive feelings for new T without even thinking about it, and though it’s possible to start all over again when he comes back it would so much more useful for me to hold onto some kind of connection.

Am thinking therefore about starting an ongoing thread to have an internal argument in public, so to speak. If I just stick to journaling I’m very good at glossing over important stuff. At least if I’m writing where it can be read by others, I won’t be able to pretend so easily that it doesn’t matter. We shall see…

Thanks again everyone for your lovely responses.

LL

LL,

I like your idea of starting a thread to sort through your inner thoughts while T is away. Sounds like a good way to stay connected to your emotions and to stay active in your therapeutic journey instead of shutting down and putting the walls up while T is away.

It sounds like a good idea to me too! I say go for it. (AS long as it's ok I read it when I come on here )

Love,

BB

Thanks for the encouragement LG and Beebs

I'm thinking about it - it's actually a lot scarier to do than I thought - bit like having a blog and I'm not sure I'm brave enough to do that.

LL