Eliza,
Having just got through a five week break, you have my sympathy, it's a long time. But I hope you can draw comfort and strength from the fact that your T both recognizes the difficulty and is reacting by wanting to provide you with help getting through it. Those are loving actions by someone committed to a caring relationship with you.

I suspect you are reluctant to tell her what to write because it can feel like it robs it of meaning (as in she's just saying what you want to hear so she doesn't mean it) but that's not true. Asking you what you want it to say is asking you what you need, so that she can act to meet that need. Again, a loving act.

So if I may suggest, think through your last break and what kinds of feelings rise up? For example, do you feel abandoned? Then you might need to hear she is coming back. Do you feel angry with her for leaving? Then you need to hear it's ok to have your feelings. You get the idea. Try to remember what gets so hard about it and when you remember the pain, think about what would have helped to hear. That way you can express to your T what you need but she will be the one to figure out what to say to help with that need which I think might help you recognize that what she chooses to say to you is genuine.

I know you said before that you were too raw to read it, but if you are capable now, take a look at my blog posts on a therapist's absence, there are some good ideas in there, such as having your therapist leave a voicemail on your phone or taking a picture of her on your phone.

I know it can feel impossible, but you'll make it through.

AG

Thank you for replying AG.

I will look at yr blog maybe later - I know I've read it and the recent one you posted but I can't remember much of it right now.

I haven't had a real break with this T before - I started seeing her a year ago (Aug 31st to be exact). There was a 10 day gap over Xmas - I was in hospital during that time for anorexia and complications for re-feeding syndrome so I guess it was a distraction of sorts... I didn't feel abandoned then - my key concern was I'd been stopped from working and was going through the process of getting my practising cert back via my professional body and incredibly stressed about the massive financial fallout so I had plenty to 'occupy' my mind then

Thank you for pointing out it is loving thing to do, wanting to know what to write. I need to remember that. I've asked for her to write our next app down (in her writing)... I think I do need it written she will be coming back.

And maybe something about the work we have done TOGETHER I can use while she's away.

F^ck this is hard

I don't feel angry with her going. And I'm VERY glad she (of course) hasn't expressed any 'guilt' or apologised for going etc (this is my projection of course - it's how I would feel, with my people pleasing and care taking roles and definitely not something appropriate my T would or should do in this case!).

Main feeling is utter Fear - paralysing fear, like I am coming to an end. A few days ago it literally could not see past today's app - it was a very dangerous place to be and I'm glad I'm not in that space now.

I keep getting mini flashbacks to when I was growing up. Her leaving is triggering those badly. The flashbacks last 1-2 seconds, but are very very real. They happen so often it is like the past and present merge and I get momentarily confused as to what is happening NOW and what is a flashback.

I don't even have a whole memory - it's only ever been flashes of being in the one room where I lived as a child. But all the awful feelings triggered by my T going away, take me immediately back there

I know it's to do with my mother - I just don't know if it's related to her sudden death (which I witnessed as a 10 yr old) or if it's related to he abuse of me and my feeling completely powerless, alone and realising no one is there to protect me and it'll be like that forever.

Either way it's pretty damn awful.

On the positive
I am allowed to email my T while she's away. When she's in town it can take a few days for a reply, and she can't always promise she will reply, and any reply will be brief (we don't do therapy via email which i totally understand - too much room for miscommunication of such important issues).

I will talk to her today about this some more - because I guess I need reassurance it IS ok to email her... Cos I do feel bad about it as she is on HOLIDAY.

.....

I was considering going snowboarding immediately following our app - just for the afternoon - and going back up 2moro but now I'm not so sure - maybe it's best to NOT be 'busy' and just LET the feelings come???


It's just really scary that I don't have any support until Sunday when my caseworker comes to see me. Worse is that my psych dr is also away for another 11 days and I really could do with seeing her for a meds review right now

ElizaJ,

I really don't have any words right now but I hear you.

Just wanted to give you soothing hugs and gentle thoughts.