Hi All,
Another update in the ongoing saga of my leaving therapy. Thanks to everyone who has asked me to keep you posted. I really appreciate feeling like I can come here to talk about it.

So last night was our last couples’ session. Gulp. It was difficult just driving down because I knew that this session would bring me one more significant step closer to leaving. My T let us in and was very warm when he said hello and shook my hand. I was having difficulty the whole evening feeling connected and feeling his care because I got pretty activated. But I was very aware that it was me who couldn’t take it in, he was there. He asked how we were doing and we were able to share a lot of positive stuff. The last time we saw him we were struggling with some money stuff and the work we had done really helped. Our T was very happy about what we told him and was talking about all the differences he was seeing in how we were with each other. So I turned to my husband and said, “that makes a nice segue.” So my husband, speaking for both of us (actually I became acutely uncomfortable and just wanted to hide as soon as we started to discuss it. A fact of which my T was not unaware. )

So my husband told him that we had talked it over and I had told him it would be easier for me if we weren’t still going to couples’ counseling, so we were thinking of this being our last appointment. My T started asking questions, most of which centered on checking in on how my husband was feeling (I mean, he already totally gets where I’m coming from so it made total sense.) He asked my husband how he felt and my husband was really clear that he was comfortable and then he turned and asked me. I told him about realizing that I made the decision about ending without really thinking through the couples sessions and that I had told my husband that. That my preference would be to not go because I thought it would make leaving easier if I didn’t have to see my T at all, but it was important to consider my husband’s feelings and that I was willing to continue going if he wanted to even if it made things more difficult for me. That it only seemed fair that the decsion to end was made by both of us. I even told my T about having difficulty being able to hear from my husband that he was ready to end, because I was so worried about bull-dozing him into it. My T then asked how my husband felt about me ending therapy, had we talked about it? And we both said yes, and I told my T that I actually talked to my husband about what he thought about me ending therapy before I contacted him to tell him I was doing so. He looked pretty impressed about that actually. My husband talked about what a big step this was for me and how courageous I was being (which was nice to hear because I pretty much thought his reaction was “it’s about time!” ). My T asked him if he was scared about it at all. And my husband said he wasn’t, which was good because he knew there was a time when he would have been. So when it became clear that my husband was really on board with the decision, my T started wrapping up couples’ therapy. He told us that normally he would take more time about ending but that he felt comfortable that we were ready, and then he kind of launched into an overview of where we had come from and all the changes (I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned this but the man can go on quite a tear when he builds up a good head of steam.) The longer he talked, the more his “I usually take longer than this” haunted me. I sat there feel guiltier and guiltier, that I had been incredibly selfish and made this decision to end and I had rushed my husband and my T into it without any time to process it (and I just realized as I was typing this, the fact that my T was able to let go so quickly was scary). So I finally made a time out signal with my hands. And told them both how I was feeling and that maybe we needed to reconsider. My T definitely got the stuff that was getting kicked up and he turned to my husband and asked how he felt about what I had just said, how did he feel about ending? And my husband said, “she may not like my answer, but I’m really ok with this.” And then my T turned back to me and asked “do you understand why I just did that?” and I nodded yes (because I knew he was pointing out the boundaries and that my husband was capable of making his needs known. It was nice that as soon as I nodded he moved on trusting me to understand ). Then he told me that we had handled it very well. That I had made my needs known but had offered to make room for my husband. That my husband was able to be clear about what he wanted. My T pointed out that we had acted as separate caring people with no enmeshment. (Not something that could have been said when we first walked through his door.) Then he said, besides, if a month down the road my husband decides he’s really angry that you left, you can always call and come back. Then he laughed and said but it will be on his head, he had his chance to speak up. Then he tied it back to some stuff we had dealt with. My husband then told him that he had some stuff he might want to work on but he wanted to sit on it for awhile and he’d call if he wanted to come in. My T told him he was welcome back any time. Then my husband thanked my T for how much he had helped our marriage and him. I was having a very difficult time not breaking down at this point, so I wasn’t saying much. I feel guilty that I’ve thanked my T so many times but don’t remember doing so about the couples’ counseling. I want to remember to say something at our last meetingsince I really believe he helped save our marriage.

OK, the reason I’m babbling on at such length is that at the end was the really painful part. We got up and DIDN’T go to my T’s desk to make an appointment and leaving just got WAY too real. And my husband and my T very calmly shook hands and said goodbye. I was so activated that all I was trying to do was not break down. It was hard to even connect with my T when I shook his hand and we left. I ended up crying all the way home. My husband was being very supportive. The poor guy, at one point my daughter, who is going through her first break up, called and was sobbing on the phone to him while I cried next to him. Quite the evening for the poor man.

Part of me just felt so stupid that here I was getting practically hysterical but my T and my husband were able to say goodbye so calmly. When I finally had a chance to really think about how I was feeling, I realized a couple of things. I think, deep down, I was hoping beyond hope that either my husband or my T would demand that our couples’ counseling continue. And as hard as that would be, at least I would get to see him. And that didn’t happen. And when I realized that didn’t happen and I was really going to leave, I got triggered. There was this very young voice inside me just wailing “He’s letting me go, he’s not stopping me. How could he let me go if he really cared?” which gets followed by my “I knew it, I really am completely unlovable, of course he doesn’t want me, no one would.” Now I’ve completely dealt with those feelings in the course of my work with my T and I am able to realize that they’re irrational and not true, but they were still overwhelming me.

So yes, two hours after our session ended, I made an emergency call. My T called back about 10 mins later and I told him how I was feeling and he was really clear that it wasn’t true, that it was about growth needing freedom and that I needed that freedom. I was holding it together ok as we talked and then my T said, “are you ok AG?” (if I’m not moving to end the call he’ll usually check before he gets off) and I totally lost it. I mean sobbing uncontrollably, with a great deal of noise (which is actually a little unusual for me as normally I work really hard to hold all sound in.) He just kept telling me to take my time and let it out and it would be ok. I think it lasted only a few minutes but it felt longer. So then I calmed down and we both said take care and hung up. So I called my sister because I knew I was triggered and feeling really small and my sister totally gets what that’s like. So when she answered the phone I started crying and she actually said to me “you sound like you’re about six years old” and I told her that was probably a little high. We talked for awhile and I did feel better and when we got off the phone, I went to bed. I didn’t sleep really well and am feeling sad. Every once in a while, it’s like the pain breaks through and I keep wanting to call my T. But I have started feeling better as the day has gone on.

But the feelings are really intense. And I’m scared because I have so much to say to my T at our last session, I want to read him a poem I wrote about leaving, and there are other things I need to say and a few things I want to give him, but I’m worried I’m going to walk in, start sobbing and not be able to stop or get a coherent word out. I know I’m going to get through it and even that when the first shock wears off I’m going to feel good about accomplishing this, but it’s really painful. I am also struggling to not shut down, or shrug off the relationship. When I was done crying on the phone and my T was reassuring me it was good that I was able to pay attention to the feelings coming up and reach out for help when I needed it, I actually told him “could you please stop being so nice, it’s not helping” To which he replied, “I can understand that, it would probably feel better if you could get angry with me.” Old pattern of mine. So I am torn between wanting to see him again and never wanting next Wednesday to come.

Thanks for reading. I really do know that everything will be ok in the end. It’s just painful right now and it helps to be able to talk to people who understand why this would be so painful.

AG