Thank you MsC. for replying. I am glad you will be able to see your T. soon. Breaks can be very difficult and people who can make it through without quitting or even thinking of quitting...I tip my hat to them.

Were you able to touch base with your T. while he/she was away? I know this can be very helpful, although the Therapist I see does not allow outside contact.

Thank you for replying and I hope your session goes well this week

T.

Hi TAS,

I’m sorry you’re in the middle of a long break. Breaks are never easy. I could totally relate when you said you are tired that you have to come to him, but he doesn’t have to come to you. I feel exactly the same way.

I don’t know if therapy can be done without attachment, especially for those of us that didn’t get what we needed in childhood. This summer, I thought it was possible to not attach because I saw a back-up T for 8 weeks. She was very helpful and I didn’t feel attached at the time. But I just had my last session with her last Saturday and I couldn’t stop crying when I got in the car. I guess I attached to her without realizing it.

I’m still processing her explanation of why I am struggling and so attached to my regular T. It sounds logical, but I haven’t wrapped my brain around it completely. I told her it feels cruel to go through painful emotions as a child, have it reactivated as an adult, and not have the same needs met a second time.

This was her response...I am all of my ages and experiences combined. Certain ages were treated harshly and denied growth. When I feel safe in a relationship (like with my T), it will awaken the past hurt. The part of me that was denied growth will resurface to get what I need in order to mature. I need to go through all the ages in completion to allow for more mature feelings and to learn how to be independent. Since my family did not treat me well as a child, as an I adult I need to treat myself with compassion. Longing, depending, attaching is all important for me to become mature and independent. As a kid, I did not have the resources to handle the feelings. The only thing I could do was to deny them. When my feelings came up, my family condemned and criticized me. Now that they have been re-activated, the deep longing communicates that parts of me need to be heard and attended to, and I need to treat that part of me with love and acceptance. The whole point of attachment and dependency on T is to allow those parts of me that need to be re-parented to come out. Since I feel safe with my T, they will all show up. I need to let the attachment show up in sessions so that T can validate each of those needs while I learn how to take care of my needs for myself. It won’t last forever and over time, it will get easier.

I was just wondering to myself, “how much time?” From her point of view, it sounds like attaching is necessary in order to heal. Sorry that was so long. I don’t know if that helps.

I’m just coming back from a long break. I know it’s counter-productive, but I’m totally resisting reconnecting with my T because I feel like he could leave me again at any moment. When my T was gone, I thought about quitting therapy all the time.

Sorry this is so hard for you.

PassionFruit

quote:

Originally posted by TAS:



Then as time goes by he may as well not even exist. He's gone. When we meet, it will be as if he is not there and I will have to work at believing he is truly there. I hate this whole attachment issue.

I wonder if there is a way to approach therapy without involving attachment. It seems it would be easier and more formal.


T.

Yes, it is possible to go to therapy withy the attachment stuff - I did that successfully for many years after a truly awful experience with attachment many years ago. I worked hard and didn't get attached to a T for years - almost 20 in fact.

Was it helpful? Yes and no. Yes - in that it didn't de-stabalise me. No - in that I never did the real work I needed to in order to fully heal.

Now I'm working with a T and have let myself become attached. It's very bittersweet, as many of us know only too well.

But overall - I'm able to face and deal and process a lot of deep emotional pain I have never ever been able too do before.

And apparently, one day it will result in me being more fully healed.

Passion Fruit: This is one of the best explanations I have ever heard on attachment.

It makes so much sense. I struggle with remembering his voice and his words after each session.

The last few sessions my stomach has been hurting and I think he is going to get tired of me saying my stomach hurts. He tells me I am projecting my feelings onto him. He says he won't get tired of me saying this, but I certainly get tired of it because I am not a baby. Sometimes I come in and just say, "My stomach is hurting." I know it's linked to attachment but it is so convoluted, it's difficult to sort things out logically when you are experiencing feelings in your body.

I still think of the visits which would be arranged for me and my sister to go see our mother, while we were in foster care. We wore matching outfits and I can tell of nothing when it came to her face, what she looked like, her voice. What I wore is prominent in my mind. I have some pictures from that time and where me and my sister are in those outfits, I know it was a day we had a visit with our mother. One would think they would want to memorize every aspect of their mother's face, due to not being able to see her often. It didn't work that way for me, struggling to make sense of her not being able to be there all the time.

There is a story that she overdosed and I was the one that found her. I was probably about 2 to 3 years old and in my records, it states I thought she had died. Upon her "return" I was so confused I never called her Mommie again. It says I called her, "Auntie Mommie." I try to place another child in this situation and ask, "What does that do to the soul of a child?"

I know the Therapist is not my mother, father or whatever else I wish he was. This is what makes it so difficult.

Thank you Passion Fruit for replying. I apologize for the bit of a ramble.

T.

MsC: Thank you for your reply and no, you did not hijack I love the aha moments, they are crucial in changing how we see things and experience them as well.

I can completely relate to the leaving part of what you are saying. I think all I have ever known is leaving. Leaving continually from the time I was born (although at such a young age, I wasn't choosing it). Then I got older and leaving is all I have ever known, so I leave.

I am trying to do this differently with the Therapist because I know if I go, I will keep leaving and as you stated, never truly heal.

Thank you for sharing.

T.

Eliza J: Thank you for sharing your experience.

Wow, you have a lot of courage to keep pursuing healing and not giving up. I admire that

T.

Hi MsC - I’m so glad for the aha moment! I love those!

Hi TAS - You didn’t ramble at all. I’m so sorry it’s taken me awhile to reply. I am sorry to hear about your mom’s overdose and that you found her. I can’t imagine the confusion, sadness, and pain surrounding that and being a toddler not knowing what to do with all those feelings. I can see how strong young attachment feelings can be triggered by someone safe. I have a toddler and his tantrums when I leave the house give me a glimpse into why I feel the way I do when my T leaves. It doesn’t make sense to our adult selves, but it makes sense if the wounds are from early childhood. I think it could cause a child to go into hiding and suppress any kind of feelings. I re-read something that said feelings lead to healing. You have to feel it to heal it, which makes it so painful.

My primary care giver left when I was 4, so the intensity of my need to attach is so strong. I have a toddler and it’s interesting to watch his tantrums when I leave. One day I counted him asking for me 44 times. I told T that’s about how often in a day I look for him. T was glad I could understand the intensity of my attachment. Something that helped me while T was gone all summer was re-reading session notes. Do you take notes or journal after some of your sessions? Breaks are so painful.


PF