TAS--it makes me feel sad that you feel so much personal responsibility for things going wrong. It was your T's job to work with your feelings and help you make sense of them. If he did not do this, he was not doing his job. This was not a social relationship--it was his job to help you understand yourself and your relationships better, and it sounds like he did not do that?

I apologize if you detailed this elsewhere and I did not see it.

Will you seek out another T?

So what happened, TAS?

(((TAS)))
It sounds like you are in so much pain

The unexpected encounter at Starbucks caught you off guard - I think neither one of you were prepared. You wanted nothing more than a slight acknowledgement and it was not given.
From the posts of yours I've read - your T is very boundaried and that's very painful for you.
I don't think he didn't want to not acknowledge you - again I think he was unprepared and uncertain as to how to proceed with the unexpected encounter.
Which had absolutely nothing to do with you.
You are not in any way fundamentally flawed. You are wounded.

I found something you posted a while back..it really resonated with me and I loved what you wrote

quote:

Let me say, I believe the Therapist I see is effective and is what I need, not necessarily what I want.

I've carried that with me, so to speak, because of something my T had said had me ready to bolt from therapy. But I didn't - truly because of this. And I'm grateful to you because she really is what I NEED right now.

So I'm curious as to what has changed for you...

And know, none of us are the perfect client. We can't be. Nor are our T's perfect. We learn about one another and our needs and wants along the way.

(((TAS)))

You haven't done anything wrong to be upset by the encounter. I wonder what you might have liked him to have done in starbucks? It's a difficult one isn't it - seeing a T out of context.

It would be ok to work this through with him. I'm pretty sure he didn't not-acknowledge you because he has bad feelings towards you. He might have thought you hadn't noticed him, or that you would feel upset if he approached you?

Take gentle care of you TAS - but please don't take the blame for this situation.

Sapphire-Blue

Hi TAS.

I have seen my T outside of the office, we live in a small place, and first time I saw so uneasy what to do, so now It’s like if my T is with his family I nodd hi and he too, and if he is alone I say hi and say have a nice day, I did ask him just 2 weeks ago if this was ok if I saw him to say hi he said of course.. But I do understand you so much you are hurt, and I would be also. It did happen one time I know he saw me and did go from that place , I just got over it, like me sometimes I am in the mood not to talk to anyone if I am shopping and T are also human and that day my T was not in hello mood.

Please talk to your T about this before you quit ..

Exploring Thank you for the kind words. He did ask me how, if we did encounter each other, would I like the greeting to be. I guess, if you have to ask someone how they would like to be greeted, is it really sincere if someone has to tell you? I don want to reiterate he did apologize, and he was very sincere. Toward the end of the session, I began to feel a great disappointment I have not been able to shake. I do feel rejected and I do know this what not his intention. I just feel what I saw was his true feelings towards me, even though he says it isn't. He said it was awkward for him and it was a late day. He said he didn't think he would run into anyone. (I understand this, because I was thinking the same thing!)

I will not seek another T. I have always felt on a gut level he does get me and I don't want to start over with anyone else.

BLT: Basically, I feel the encounter really opened my eyes to how he views me. Is it distorted thinking that one should not have to tell their Therapist how they would like to be greeted? If you have to tell them, how do you know the encounter is genuine the next time you see each other?

Lucy: Thank you for reminding me of my own words I think what changed for me is the reality of what he is vs. what I thought he was changed. Perhaps the illusion has been shattered and I am left with what is vs. what I wish could be.

S-B: Thank you It is difficult seeing T. out of context. The funny thing is...I really don't want to see him. When I have, I have froze thinking, please don't see me. Please don't see me. But, on the other hand, a simple acknowledgement says I matter.

Anna: I understand what you are saying about not feeling like talking to others, etc. I can relate. Perhaps my expectations of him to never make a mistake because he is a Therapist.

Thank you for your kind words

I would like to say I keep coming back to how I am, what made me how I am, the unhealthy way of relating, etc. For instance, if my thinking is unreasonable, my expectations skewed, I start to look at this and then I think, "I am this way because..." Then I feel as if I am bad, the person I am is bad and I can't get past this.

Honestly, he is a person. He doesn't deserve to be viewed negatively. I ask myself why I am viewing him this way. I converse with myself and realize it's due to my inner world and what caused it to be built this way. Then I feel horrible, absolutely horrible for seeing him the way I do. Then I just feel I should go because at least I wouldn't be seeing him as someone he isn't. A couple of weeks ago he told me, "I'm your Therapist, not anyone else." My brain is still trying to wrap around this simple statement. I am in a fog and I don't want to keep tearing at the Therapeutic relationship, acting in the programmed manner of destroying anything positive he says or does. This is why I say I must go. This is why I say I am fundamentally flawed, it's because I am.

It's as if I am using him as a punching bag and I don't want to do that to him because he is a person who is worthy of decency and respect.

I want to be kind towards him and not keep reducing anything he does to it not mattering. I don't know if any of this makes sense.

I appreciate the kindness and thoughtfulness in your posts.

All the best,
T.

TAS -

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. For what it's worth, being gone for a while and then coming back and seeing your posts just makes me realize how far you've come since you first started posting here. If you stick to your decision to leave your T, I hope you can do so with the full realization of how much you've gained out of the relationship.

Best,

K

Hi TAS,

Just passing by, and.... I do not want to invalidate your feelings in anyway, just to add information/my experience, in case it helps.

I once saw my T outside the office, I don't think she saw me, but I freaked out and panicked on how I was probably spying on her without realizing it... anyway, that's the background.

I brought it up during the next session and she told me "oh, right, that's true, we haven't discussed yet how to greet each other if we meet outside of the office, do you have wishes..." and she went on explaining that usually she would just say hi/or ignore the person depending how the person was behaving. (I stated that my wish was to be ignored and that I would leave immediately and hoping it would not offend her).
She also mentioned how she had been confused when during her own therapy she had met her therapist outside the office, been ignored and felt terrible about it.

So her point was: this is definitely something that needs to be discussed, because it is an "unusual" situation, and some people don't want to ever see their therapist outside of the office, and... the therapist cannot always guess. That's why it is normally their job/duty to have this talk if they feel it could stir ... bad feelings.

Just trying to say that it is a "normal" problem with therapists? But... I really don't want to imply that you should feel differently about it, just adding info

Good luck, you've come such a long way in therapy, it is recommendable anyway !

quote:

BLT: Basically, I feel the encounter really opened my eyes to how he views me. Is it distorted thinking that one should not have to tell their Therapist how they would like to be greeted? If you have to tell them, how do you know the encounter is genuine the next time you see each other?

With anyone *besides* a T, it would be normal to expect someone to greet you if they saw you at Starbucks. However, with a T the confidentiality issue comes into play. It would actually be *unethical* for a T to greet a client in public unless the client greeted the T first, since by greeting the client other people in the area might realize that the client was in therapy, something the client might not want anyone to know.

quote:

Then I feel horrible, absolutely horrible for seeing him the way I do. Then I just feel I should go because at least I wouldn't be seeing him as someone he isn't. A couple of weeks ago he told me, "I'm your Therapist, not anyone else." My brain is still trying to wrap around this simple statement. I am in a fog and I don't want to keep tearing at the Therapeutic relationship, acting in the programmed manner of destroying anything positive he says or does. This is why I say I must go. This is why I say I am fundamentally flawed, it's because I am.

Please take this from a T-in-training...he is PAID to allow you to view him negatively until you can learn to view him more realistically. It's his job. Maybe you don't think a surgeon deserves to have to look at blood and gore but guess what...that's the surgeon's job. Your T is no different. I know the relationship is painful to you, but I do think it is helping you and that your T is choosing to continue to treat you although you are maybe not the easiest client. I hope you will stay long enough to realize you are not fundamentally flawed, except in the sense that all humans are flawed because they're human.

P.S. Many people on this board like and admire you even though you struggle a lot. I'm sure your T probably feels the same way about you.

Hey TAS, sorry you are struggling. I was thinking the same thoughts as BLT. It is his job and you aren't the first client who has viewed him this way. It's part of the job for him and for you your job in therapy is to be authentic and you are. That is a good thing. There is lots to be learned for you with this situation. Stick with it.

((TAS)) So sorry that it's been so hard lately. I know I've said this before, but your relationship with your therapist isn't like any other relationship out there. It's one where you don't have to feel bad for viewing him negatively, being a "difficult" client with him, etc. He seems to understand what's going on. He has told you that he's just your therapist. He understands that you're bringing in your own stuff that color the lens through which you view you. He gets it and seems like he wants to help you heal.

But, I want to respect what you've written and your decision. And so, I will say that I'm so sorry this is all very painful for you. I'm sorry you feel disappointed and hurt by your interaction with him and that you feel like you're fundamentally flawed.

Do you plan on giving this letter to your T on your last session? Or have you mailed/emailed it? Will you keep us updated on how your session goes (if you want to share)? Thinking of you, TAS.

Hi TAS,

I hope you will consider quitting a bit longer. To give the thought some more time.

I am seeing my T for the fourth year now and I never came across with her outside the office until one day in Summer. I saw her sitting with two persons in a bar, where I was also with my company. I was stressed and shocked to see her and I didn't know what to do. I did nothing, and she also didn't do anything. I had the appointment with her that afternoon, and first we talked about seeing each other outside the office. I said I didn't know if I should greet her or something. Then she said, that she has different arrangements about the issue with different clients, because some can be accompanied with family members that do not know she is their therapist or they just do not want to be greeted by her outside the office. She asked me the same question your T asked you. What would I want to do if we see each other. And I said that I would like to be greeted. She also said to me, that I can greet her, where ever I see her and that there is no problem. She was sincere, I felt that, and I am glad she asked me how would it feel if she says hi to me..How could she know my issues or discomforts if I do not tell her.

Dear TAS if this is the only reason you're leaving, than I think you shouldn't. Maybe she took care off you, by not putting you in distress?

In Therapy you need to be patient, extremely patient with yourself.

I care for you and please take care. At the end, everything is your decision.

((TAS)) I'm so sorry that you are in this kind of pain. It would not be happening if your T would realize the power of a simple smile and a hello!

Hello to Everyone! I just finished a 7:30 a.m. class and now I am headed to work...then Volleyball. I won't be in until late, so please know I will not be able to reply until then.

I just wanted you to know so no one felt ignored. I appreciate each of you

All the best,
T.

And we appreciate you, TAS.

I apologize for not replying individually. Intense session guys. Not sure what the hell I am going to do. Jesus Christ, just give me a damn book and I can sort through this sh** on my own without another human being (Therapist) to interact with.

He told me to quit fighting the process (which is true, I have been) and to let the process take hold (between sessions).

I can handle the truth of words...it's just the emotions...the damn emotions. I wish someone could put me to sleep and cut me open and withdraw the depths of all of this and then I could see things as they truly are.

Also, in regards to feeling as if I do not have the ability to work through this due to my history, it's like asking someone to pick up a fork when they have no hands.

And, you know what? To top it all off, I can't even say his words today were off base. The problem is they are so damn on target that I can't even dispute what he said. I know he is correct and trust me, I don't say someone is right. EVER.

I don't know how he is so intuitive, but, he is. I wrote a letter after session and was going to leave it on a table outside of his office...as I was getting ready to go in I could see he was getting ready to come out (glass door) and I literally ran because I did not want to see him.

I am sorry I did not reply individually but I am going to bed. The day has worn me out and I shall go hide among the pillows and blankets.

Please don't be upset with me because I haven't replied individually. I will do my best in the next couple of days.

All the best,
T.

Kashley: You are right...I have gained much out of the relationship. It's just the pain which comes along with it can be excruciating. Thank you for your encouragement

About: Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I guess it doesn't happen very often for Therapists to run into their clients and it's just as awkward for them, perhaps.

I guess he's the professional, is all. At the end of the day, he is still a human being.

BLT: Thank you for taking the time to explain what you did and it is comforting since you are a T. in training. I just feel bad that I view him so negatively. I know that's his job and I just know he doesn't deserve it.

Thank you for your kind words. It would be comforting to know that he does admire me, even though I have been a pain in the a**.

Becca: There is a lot to be learned and I know I need to learn it. It's just so hard. It's so hard to trust him and really believe he is being firm for my benefit. I struggle with this a lot. I am trying to hold on, but sometimes it is so difficult.

Erica: I hope he understands what is going on, because truly, I am not able to wrap my head around certain things.

The session, well, I cried the whole time. And I do mean the whole time. I went over certain parts of the letter with him and he really did listen to what I had to say. He gave me an appt. card for next week with the appt. if I decided to return. How come I doubt the authenticity of the relationship if he won't allow me to touch base with him during the week? If it's only real in the office, is it real at all?

Ninna: Thank you. Maybe he is trying not to cause me more distress or pain by seeing him out in public but not being able to touch base with him during the week. I guess if an encounter never happens there is really no reason to discuss the issue.

I am glad your Therapist was understanding and she honored your request of wanting to be greeted. Thank you for your encouragement, I really appreciate your kind words

SP: I am very sad over this as well. I do feel as if I am a flawed person, to the core. You are right, it is painful to deal with this aspect of ourselves.

I like what you said about not being set in stone. It is so true and I need to unlearn being so rigid.

Thank you!

Eme: The power of a simple smile and hello...healing waters to a parched soul. Yes, I would feel as if he doesn't hold anything against me.

Thank you

I made another appointment with a Therapist for today but cancelled. I am so conflicted. She allows outside contact and there is another male Therapist whom allows outside contact. I have to be honest and say, every time I try another Therapist, I am reminded how he is the one for me and I hate this because he stands up to me, challenges me and I get so livid with him and yet, it's as if an underpinning is occurring in my internal world. How can such a thing happen when I am trying to keep him at a distance.

Thank you to each of you for your kind words. Also, thank you for your patience and understanding in the delay to replying to each of you.

My words may not be ample in content, but what I wrote, I sincerely mean, to each of you.

Heartfelt thanks,
T.

Therapists arent suppose to acknowledge their clients in a public setting without the client acknowledge knowing.them first.....same goes for ex clients...t school 101....

TAS, you really are such a fighter. I love that. I admire your struggle so much. All of this is so hard but I think all of us here know we have to push on. You are doing a great job, stick with it.