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I feel for you as I am in the same position so I can only really offer deep sympathy and warmest safest hugs. And you are right to keep increasing ways to love and care for yourself through this. It is so sad when these endings come when we are not yet healed, so we limp through them with the coping mechanisms in place that we have always had to use. I truly sympathise and it must feel really confusing and annoying to have your final date changed as well.Telling your T how you feel would probably be a good thing, but I almost laugh writing that, cos telling my T how I feel has got me into deep trouble lately as you probably have seen from my own thread. Take care,
Oh Butterfly I’m so sorry your T has pulled this on you (and it really does feel like she’s ‘pulled one over you’). You’ve been so careful to set things up to care for yourself, and done the best you could to maintain your own sense of power and control, and she’s gone and pre-empted it all.
Has she given you a good reason for this? It does seem really unfair that she can mess about with the ending of your therapy in this way. One session isn’t exactly the greatest amount of time to work through ending therapy, especially such a long term one as yours.
I really hope your last session will bring you some comfort and give you something to carry you through the ending. It’s not much, but you know you can come here and find lots of support and understanding to help you through.
Hugs to you Butterfly, thinking of you.
LL
Has she given you a good reason for this? It does seem really unfair that she can mess about with the ending of your therapy in this way. One session isn’t exactly the greatest amount of time to work through ending therapy, especially such a long term one as yours.
I really hope your last session will bring you some comfort and give you something to carry you through the ending. It’s not much, but you know you can come here and find lots of support and understanding to help you through.
Hugs to you Butterfly, thinking of you.
LL
Butterfly ~
I'm so glad you posted this and reached out for support.
your appointment was moved up and your self care plans have been thrown off? argh. If you need more time to prepare - take it. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself and be ready. Is there any way you can not let your t push you into having this appointment before you are ready? can you ask to postpone it? (or maybe it would be better to just have it done sooner...?) Does she know you really would have preffered to have it be not next week but the week after?
Please know, thi sis hard and scary for most people...and in the end, you will be ok. It might be a very hard thing (maybe it will be way easier than you expect? yet I know just the anticipation can be so rough) ... but in the end, it will get better. I say this from having been through a horrific ending with a t...
I have had a few endings lately - with my old t months ago, and now with other non-t types... I am no expert on how to get through it sanely. (Oh but I do know how to really fall apart afterwards! sigh)
BUT, I have learned that for me, there are a couple of things that help me stay more ok and get through it better (but may not be applicable to you at all):
- being honest with the t (and yourself?) about your feelings. I mean if it hurts, it's ok to say, this just hurts. Maybe to help not trigger a t's defensiveness, you can say you still are ending, but you need to say also that it's scary and hurts - or whatever you feel about it. In fact, it might help it go over better with your t... she will know that this is not easy for you... and not something to be taken lightly.
- afterwards, avoiding isolating. I dunnoif you ever fele like doing this, but when someone leaves, abandons, even in the best of circumstances, for me, it pulls on a scary sense of feeling alone. It helps when I reach out to others that are still in my life.
- grieving. yeah, it sucks. but it will probably come, and it will get better. If the grief does come, ad if it hits you hard, maybe try to remember - it's ok, it will get better, those feelings reflect that this is important...
- humor. I try to find things that make me smile... sometimes the smile doesn't come, but it does seem to help me sometimes
- anything in the self comfort and care range - all of which I am terrible at, but I'm learning.
- BE KIND TO YOURSELF. You deserve it.
- writing. I write here, I journal, I do lots of stuff. When my old t left - there were two things that I wrote about - one was all the angry hurt sad horrible feelings... and another was a list of good things I learned that I can keep. (maybe een share with her what was so helpful and what you really valued and will take with you from the work you have done.) I get to keep those things no matter what. And you get to keep the things that were good about this relationship with this t, even though it's ending and probably is scary and hurts.
and know you are not alone. you are very strong and brave and I love your heart and honesty in your posts.
oh, maybe my words are all off. if so, just please ignore.
I do believe that you will find a better t and/or you will find what you need to take the next steps on your journey towards healing. Like graduating on to the next steps...
As painful and scary as this is - the fact that you are doing it, and thinking through it so well, is a huge sign of growth and strength and wisdom that you have in you. I really believe in you and I'm rooting for you.
~jane
I'm so glad you posted this and reached out for support.
your appointment was moved up and your self care plans have been thrown off? argh. If you need more time to prepare - take it. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself and be ready. Is there any way you can not let your t push you into having this appointment before you are ready? can you ask to postpone it? (or maybe it would be better to just have it done sooner...?) Does she know you really would have preffered to have it be not next week but the week after?
Please know, thi sis hard and scary for most people...and in the end, you will be ok. It might be a very hard thing (maybe it will be way easier than you expect? yet I know just the anticipation can be so rough) ... but in the end, it will get better. I say this from having been through a horrific ending with a t...
quote:If anyone has any suggestions at how to keep sane afterwards then I would love to hear them.
I have had a few endings lately - with my old t months ago, and now with other non-t types... I am no expert on how to get through it sanely. (Oh but I do know how to really fall apart afterwards! sigh)
BUT, I have learned that for me, there are a couple of things that help me stay more ok and get through it better (but may not be applicable to you at all):
- being honest with the t (and yourself?) about your feelings. I mean if it hurts, it's ok to say, this just hurts. Maybe to help not trigger a t's defensiveness, you can say you still are ending, but you need to say also that it's scary and hurts - or whatever you feel about it. In fact, it might help it go over better with your t... she will know that this is not easy for you... and not something to be taken lightly.
- afterwards, avoiding isolating. I dunnoif you ever fele like doing this, but when someone leaves, abandons, even in the best of circumstances, for me, it pulls on a scary sense of feeling alone. It helps when I reach out to others that are still in my life.
- grieving. yeah, it sucks. but it will probably come, and it will get better. If the grief does come, ad if it hits you hard, maybe try to remember - it's ok, it will get better, those feelings reflect that this is important...
- humor. I try to find things that make me smile... sometimes the smile doesn't come, but it does seem to help me sometimes
- anything in the self comfort and care range - all of which I am terrible at, but I'm learning.
- BE KIND TO YOURSELF. You deserve it.
- writing. I write here, I journal, I do lots of stuff. When my old t left - there were two things that I wrote about - one was all the angry hurt sad horrible feelings... and another was a list of good things I learned that I can keep. (maybe een share with her what was so helpful and what you really valued and will take with you from the work you have done.) I get to keep those things no matter what. And you get to keep the things that were good about this relationship with this t, even though it's ending and probably is scary and hurts.
and know you are not alone. you are very strong and brave and I love your heart and honesty in your posts.
oh, maybe my words are all off. if so, just please ignore.
I do believe that you will find a better t and/or you will find what you need to take the next steps on your journey towards healing. Like graduating on to the next steps...
As painful and scary as this is - the fact that you are doing it, and thinking through it so well, is a huge sign of growth and strength and wisdom that you have in you. I really believe in you and I'm rooting for you.
~jane
Hi Butterfly,
I think I can with great assurance, tell you I understand where you’re coming from.
I’m sorry, I know this is painful and scary, especially since even though you were debating whether to go, this ending was forced on you. I ended with my T under very similar circumstances when she decided to leave her practice. I am glad that you can hang onto knowing the abandonment isn’t real but I also totally get you feeling that way. I know I did. On some level, I kept asking myself “but she knows how hard this is for me, if she really cared, how could she leave me?” But the truth is that her leaving wasn’t about me, it was about her life and the direction it was going. I remember once with my present T really struggling with the boundaries and I ended up making an emergency phone call. I was very clear that my T actually cared very deeply for me and that his holding the boundaries was a good thing, but I was also experiencing how very painful that could be for me. So when he called me back I said to him “no one is doing anything wrong here, why is this SO painful?” He told me that we’re supposed to learn these lessons as children, that sometimes people who love us have to leave us for periods of time but that doesn’t mean the relationship ends, and that it’s a difficult lesson even when we learn it when we’re supposed to. That having to learn it as an adult is so much harder because it can evoke so much pain from the past. So there are good reasons why this is so hard for you.
This really says it all. I think what you’re struggling with is that you put a “but” where there should be an “and.” The truth is that your T was wonderful, you are attached to her, the relationship was good and healing and you’re taking a lot of good from it with you. AND it’s really sad to leave her, and you’re probably spot on that it will get worse before it gets better. Attachments are important to human beings, and there’s always a lot of energy involved when we come together and when we depart. My T often talks about airports. How you can watch the joy when people greet each other and the tears and sadness when they say goodbye. It’s normal and healthy to feel sad when we part with important people in our life. But then he talks about the fact that if you follow someone who was crying when they said goodbye, you might see them just minutes later grabbing a hot dog, or reading a book, quite recovered. That people who have secure or “good enough” attachment recover quickly from parting because it’s NOT threatening to them and their sense of the relationship and their sense of self. But someone without secure attachment experiences a parting as much more threatening event. But the truth of the situation is that you really will carry your T with you and that you can survive feeling sad about it. You’re going to be ok in the end.
As far as staying sane. The most important piece of advice I can give you thats helped me is to be as accepting as possible of your own emotions. Do not judge yourself for how you’re feeling or decide you should be feeling a different way. Feelings don’t work like that, they are what they are and accepting them helps us move through them. There is a flow to them. So when you feel sad accept that you feel sad and when you are happy remembering the good parts, let youself be happy. The truth is that your feelings will come and go, they’re transitory, but there is a consistent you who remains that is having the feelings. Be gentle with yourself.
I can understand wanting to stay away from things that will upset you. I was terrified that I would just spend my last session sobbing and not be able to say what I wanted to. But it didn’t happen. And the truth is that its important for you to talk about how you’re feeling about the ending. Things we don’t express are the things that we end up acting out. It’s important that you be heard about how this feels. It’s not a bad thing that you feel this way and you should be able to express it. I would urge you to open up with your T about how it feels. You’ll also be able to tell her how much the relationship has meant and the good that has come out of it. The relationship is strong enough and secure enough to bear both those feelings.
I’m sorry you have to face this, but I will also tell you that you’ll be shocked at how much what you’ve learned from your T helps you to deal with her absence.
AG
I think I can with great assurance, tell you I understand where you’re coming from.
I’m sorry, I know this is painful and scary, especially since even though you were debating whether to go, this ending was forced on you. I ended with my T under very similar circumstances when she decided to leave her practice. I am glad that you can hang onto knowing the abandonment isn’t real but I also totally get you feeling that way. I know I did. On some level, I kept asking myself “but she knows how hard this is for me, if she really cared, how could she leave me?” But the truth is that her leaving wasn’t about me, it was about her life and the direction it was going. I remember once with my present T really struggling with the boundaries and I ended up making an emergency phone call. I was very clear that my T actually cared very deeply for me and that his holding the boundaries was a good thing, but I was also experiencing how very painful that could be for me. So when he called me back I said to him “no one is doing anything wrong here, why is this SO painful?” He told me that we’re supposed to learn these lessons as children, that sometimes people who love us have to leave us for periods of time but that doesn’t mean the relationship ends, and that it’s a difficult lesson even when we learn it when we’re supposed to. That having to learn it as an adult is so much harder because it can evoke so much pain from the past. So there are good reasons why this is so hard for you.
quote:My T has been really great and is one of those T’s that does keep to boundaries and still offers me the respect and care that I so need and yes I am totally attached to her! I am trying to focus on how great our relationship has been and how I can take all she has taught me out into the real world, but I feel a real sadness which I fear will only intensify over the next couple of weeks at the thought that she will no longer be in my life.
This really says it all. I think what you’re struggling with is that you put a “but” where there should be an “and.” The truth is that your T was wonderful, you are attached to her, the relationship was good and healing and you’re taking a lot of good from it with you. AND it’s really sad to leave her, and you’re probably spot on that it will get worse before it gets better. Attachments are important to human beings, and there’s always a lot of energy involved when we come together and when we depart. My T often talks about airports. How you can watch the joy when people greet each other and the tears and sadness when they say goodbye. It’s normal and healthy to feel sad when we part with important people in our life. But then he talks about the fact that if you follow someone who was crying when they said goodbye, you might see them just minutes later grabbing a hot dog, or reading a book, quite recovered. That people who have secure or “good enough” attachment recover quickly from parting because it’s NOT threatening to them and their sense of the relationship and their sense of self. But someone without secure attachment experiences a parting as much more threatening event. But the truth of the situation is that you really will carry your T with you and that you can survive feeling sad about it. You’re going to be ok in the end.
As far as staying sane. The most important piece of advice I can give you thats helped me is to be as accepting as possible of your own emotions. Do not judge yourself for how you’re feeling or decide you should be feeling a different way. Feelings don’t work like that, they are what they are and accepting them helps us move through them. There is a flow to them. So when you feel sad accept that you feel sad and when you are happy remembering the good parts, let youself be happy. The truth is that your feelings will come and go, they’re transitory, but there is a consistent you who remains that is having the feelings. Be gentle with yourself.
quote:I am starting to feel really scared now and also worried about how I will cope afterwards. I really want a good ending so don’t want to bring up anything that will upset me even though we haven’t actually talked about the finishing aspect.
I can understand wanting to stay away from things that will upset you. I was terrified that I would just spend my last session sobbing and not be able to say what I wanted to. But it didn’t happen. And the truth is that its important for you to talk about how you’re feeling about the ending. Things we don’t express are the things that we end up acting out. It’s important that you be heard about how this feels. It’s not a bad thing that you feel this way and you should be able to express it. I would urge you to open up with your T about how it feels. You’ll also be able to tell her how much the relationship has meant and the good that has come out of it. The relationship is strong enough and secure enough to bear both those feelings.
I’m sorry you have to face this, but I will also tell you that you’ll be shocked at how much what you’ve learned from your T helps you to deal with her absence.
AG