Okay...still trying to figure out how photos/comments work
Anyway...it was a really great session. She gave me a big hug right away, because it's been a long time since I've seen her, about 5 or 6 weeks. We sat down and I asked her when she's leaving. She said next week. This week she'll wrap up with all her clients and then next week she'll be packing up her stuff and leaving next Thursday. I asked if she has a new place yet and she said no, but she'll be staying with her best friend until she gets situated. I said at least you'll be closer now to "that" and pointed at the beach pictures that have always been hanging on her walls. She laughed in agreement.
She gave me one of her business cards with the name and website of one of her colleagues on the back, and also her email, and said she'd love it if I would send her updates once in a while. I said I sure will...including a picture of all the snow she'll be missing this winter (that was a joke, she hates winter and is moving somewhere she won't have to deal with snow anymore).
She was super graceful about the fact that it had been so long since I'd been in to see her. She said she knows what it's like, how busy it gets, and then when you haven't been in for a while, it gets harder to break back into therapy again. But she also said we'd done some really good work together, so she just couldn't leave without at least asking me if I wanted to get together one last time and say a proper good-bye. I thanked her several times for sending the email and said I agreed and was really glad she had contacted me so we could talk one more time.
I explained that part of it, too, was that since being on the prozac, my difficult feelings of irritation and depression seemed to be less of a problem, and I seemed to be coping better, which is another reason I hadn't made more of an effort to come in lately. And I was hoping to come in and tell her everything was peachy and thanks for all the help. BUT for what happened this weekend (which I talked about on my Overwhelming Shame thread).
So I started talking about that, and she was WONDERFUL as usual. One of the biggest gifts she's given me all along is this space to just express the feelings that are there, without judgement...in fact she usually has to stop me from judging myself in the process. She totally got why running into the old BF's wife and kids was triggering, especially how I saw their vehicle as I was leaving...how they had all these bumper stickers from all the places they had vacationed on a container on top of their van...one of them said Boulder...and that's when I just lost it with her. It hurt so much to see that sticker, because one of OUR dreams was that someday we were going to live in Colorado, after we were married. Anyway she totally gave me permission to feel this, and I was able to just let go and really cry about it. Then of course I started getting down on myself about how "I really should be over this by now" and "get over it already" and she had to stop me from doing that. She asked, is there anyone you've been able to really share this grief with? I said I'd been talking about it here...and she was glad about that...but she asked, how about anyone in person...and I said no...so she said it's no wonder it's still in there, it needs to be expressed and felt and SEEN in order to eventually dissipate...and I said will it ever?...and she said yes, eventually...as you can share like this.
Another thing she focused in on was what I felt when I ran into his wife. As I described it, she totally pegged it as shame. And she validated that it IS really just an awkward situation.
After that...I talked a little about my daughter and some similar difficulties that she's been having, letting go of someone who WAS a good friend, but for the last year has been rejecting her more and more...unfortunately we've also become friends with his parents and we've been spending a lot of time together...and it worked out great as long as our kids were getting along...so this summer I was hoping this kid would change his tune, hoping the way he was acting was due to peer pressure...but it hasn't changed...and it's REALLY hurting my daughter, who (just like me!) does NOT understand how someone can be crazy about you for a while, then turn around and tell you in various ways to get lost. My T's take on it was very much that we need to take care of our daughter first, and I totally agree. We're supposed to get together with this family this weekend for the state fair, after picking my daughter up from camp, but I've decided we're not going to meet up with them after all. This is probably going to result in some kind of confrontation, and might mean losing them as friends...but if that's what happens, then so be it.
It is really important that I do the right thing here for another reason, too. My mother maintained a relationship with the ex-BF I'm talking about for many years, because she lived with his dad after both our parents got divorced...he was killed in a car accident over six years later...but I always felt like she chose that relationship over me...she'd put their family pictures up in her place, next to the pictures of us kids...she told me every time they had another baby...sometimes I wondered if she was purposely trying to hurt me or was just that clueless...anyway I just want my daughter to "know" that if there's a choice to be made, I choose HER, even if it means I lose a friend. That's a really important message I want her to get.
At the end of the session, that's when my T said there was something she wanted to give me, and gave me the flowers. She explained that she remembered how I noticed them the first time I came in to see her, and how I'd commented on them many times in our sessions. And she felt it was the perfect symbol of our time together, how she wants me to keep allowing that little girl inside of me to be heard, to grow and flourish...like the flowers I grow in my garden...like the flowers I once gave her...and then of course I just started bawling...because she couldn't have done anything more perfect.
She said she really felt that we had been brought together for a reason. Then I kind of looked up (at God) and said, jokingly, so why do you have to take her away now? Then I looked at her, smiling, and said, there must be someone who needs you in (the state where she's going) now. She just smiled.
Then she gave me one last very long hug, smiled at me, and I left.
I just feel very very lucky to have had her as a T.
Thanks for reading
Love,
SG
Now I feel terrible for going on like this. 
healthy human beings don't usually move TOWARDS pain. Instead of regretting not going all those weeks, give yourself credit that you did go to that last session and not only did you go but you opened up and were vulnerable and allowed your Ts care to penetrate. You've experienced that now and will carry it with you always. Be gentle with my friend. 
