I saw SteadyT and true to name, she kept steady.
Before I even got there, FirstFinder, my dearly loved therapist of over 22 years ago emailed me:
"PLEASE don't give up on this therapist."

Now I really respect FirstFinder so there was no way I could end it with advice like that from her. She gave me no reasons - just said she was busy and would try and email me later on at the end of the week.

So instead of going in and listing all my reasons for ending, I went in and just sat there a bit perplexed as to what to talk about. I talked about my week and all the various dramas that have been unfolding (being stalked, seeing my doctor and pointing out to him how he had let me down, missing my appointment with the P and how he kindly rearranged his day so that I could see him, the despair I have been hitting) and that I felt okay at last about having disclosed what I did and how strange it is to be in therapy with someone who actually knows. And how I keep wondering with regard to the ex counselor: what did I do wrong? Was I too much?

And she said something that she repeated several times: when in this terrain ( the thing I disclosed) you are very little and you seem to think in black and white, right and wrong, good and bad. Can you see that?
And you also slip into it at other times too, like in this session already. And Yes, I do - I am bouncing off the walls with my thoughts about NewFinder, if she was right, then I am wrong, if I was right then she is wrong and I slam around like a squash ball.

I said how the ex C never admitted she was out of her depth, was adamant that she wasn't. I said one of the things that hurt most was her assessment of my entire 17 months of work with her as : "you seem to be very good at getting people to care for you." SteadyT asked me if I thought that was true and I said no, it is not true, from where I am at and it also felt a very cruel thing to say. And also, it now has me even MORE frightened of reaching out as I hear those words of hers in my head and I think I am 'making people care about me' again.

and then STeadyT said, " you seem a bit distant?"

And before I knew it, it was all pouring out, how she did not reassure me by text, about the tea issue, about her saying NewFinder was caring really, about her saying she would allow phone access and then taking it away, about the psychologist being really kind and caring and me feeling she did not care and was distant and detached and that when I walked out the door, a bomb could drop on me or one of my children get ill and she would STILL say "we can talk about it next session" and I just POURED forth and said more than I ever intended to say. How her text felt like she did not care that I might feel terrible for seven days and how hard that was. I also said how dependency and attachment issues are so difficult to get right, so many people disagree on how to help a client with these issues and how for me it is agony when I fall into the tortured small baby feelings, five minutes feels like eternity and I want someone THERE.
And at the end, she said "how would you like me to respond to all of that?" And I did not know, I just sort of said I felt much better for saying it all and letting off steam.

She was not defensive, she did not shout at me, she did not rail back or get offended. She just listened. She also heard I am not asking HER to change - but that I am finding it difficult for me. That I am worried I am going towards the waterfall and that when I go over, I will be in free fall and maybe I will not survive the pain which feels annihilating and unbearable and out of cognitive awareness, just pure annihilating pain - and remember I was left for dead as a baby, no one thought a baby could actually live after what happened to me.

And then she said "you need to get this right for you. I am not invested either way, but i do feel it is important for you to get it right for you."

I said how nice the psychologist is being and she smiled and said it was a case of good guy and bad guy and I laughed and agreed that she was definitely the bad guy right now and the P is the good kind nice guy and that when he was mean to me - I would come and complain about him to her. We both laughed. It is moments like those when my child comes out and feels free enough to speak, and is not judged or pounced on - that feel so liberating. Oh yes, my adult can criticize to the nth what that part of me does and feels and says, but actually THAT part of me is the hurt part of me that we are in therapy FOR.

She said she found a bit of what I wrote especially heart rending, She said that three times and tried to find the bit (in the eight pages that disclose what I find so hard to say). It is about how when they hurt me, sometimes I felt loved, that they care.

We discussed how I have now created a team of three, SteadyT, the EMDR therapist and SweetP. "Is that enough people for you? How many would be ideal?"
I wasn't sure that she might have been teasing me.
I replied that I am not going to let ONE person this time hold all the reins (like the ex C did) and that I have control here and I choose and I make the decisions and I hire and fire. I got really animated at that point, it is obvious how I am still hurting so much after the ex C terminated me.

And SteadyT is okay with that and even okay with me 'splitting' (the good P and the bad T) and that as long as I am aware of what I am doing, and it is helpful for me to do it right now, then it is not a problem for her. She thought it might be important for me to have P think of me in a sweet way whilst I bring all the stuff that I find so terrifying to her. And then P can support me in between when T is not available. We think it might work.

anyway, we left it that I tell her latest early January if I want to go back as the next scheduled appointment is Jan 3rd anyway.

I came away feeling reassured and very unburdened. And very free to make my own choices and I think I will go forward with this SteadyT but only in small batches, and she agreed I could do another four session trial period if that helps me to feel safe.

Interestingly I don't think I have said that I love her room, I think I shall start a thread on what our therapy rooms are like. Her room is full of cushions - it also has a futon low sofa and at least two sheepskin rugs and a pile of blankets and some plants and a candle and a statue of Kwanyin and a picture of the buddha and some pictures on the wall, like a kitten and some flowers. It is very simple and I always put the sheepskin on the low futon which is near the door and she sort of kneels astride a cushion so that she is as low as I am. It is very nice.


I said that she had not even asked how I would be over this three week gap. She said that I had family and presumed Christmas would be a nice time for me
?!?*??*!!
When I said that it might not be, as so much is going on, she said that most therapist have at least two weeks off at Christmas (?!) and I said that the psychologist (and she interrupted and said " the 'good nice sweet kind' pyschologist and smiled.) Yes, him, the sweet P - he said that he would see me in between Christmas and New Year and SteadyT smiled and said that was indeed very nice of him.