Ok, so I am back from my very last wrap up session with The Terminator. I have had 1 week of absolute hell.

I had seen her yesterday and we eye contacted and said hello - so that helped.

I walked in. I said to her "Don't talk". We sat. I took 30 seconds to do my usual scan of her room - I had previously emailed her and told her of the things I would look at during sessions - the door, handle, files, the chair and her jacket, the ghastly blue picture on the wall, her bracelet, earrings, her shoes, the glass of water, the whiteboard, the 4 corners of the whiteboard, the stain on the ceiling and then out the window. I used to do this in any order and would fixate on things when the sessions got tough. It became a funny thing for me.

Then I said to her "I have something to read to you".

I couldn't get through the first sentence without choking. I stopped at every sentence to look at her, she was struggling. I read out all my beautiful words to her from the depth of my heart. Some of my stuff was funny and she laughed with me, I paused when I had to, I choked up some more, I had to wipe my tears. Each time I looked at her to see that she was with me. I gave her the letter.

She thanked me and then told me things that she enjoyed. She said some lovely things - I can't remember them all.

We spoke about my next move and I spoke about my old T who is taking me back. We then spent a lot of time talking through the things we had done, I wrote things down that she thought I needed to discuss first with new T. I asked about my records and the recent emails as I said some very new and raw stuff about myself to try and "win" her back. She said that she has to keep them for 7 years but they are archived and secured. I didn't like that. She is more than happy to talk to new T and do a handover and is available at any time in the future for new T.

She told me that she always enjoyed me and loved my sense of humour and enjoyed when I challenged her. We both agreed and said it wouldn't have worked for much longer - she was able to tell me how hard it had been for her to provide care for me when the issue of our common friend was stopping me from revealing everything to her. I told her I absolutely and genuinely understood.

I asked her if she underestimated the effect that the termination would have on me - she said she didn't under or over estimate - she just knew it would be very difficult for me.

I said to her that when I first went to her all I knew was that I wanted to die and inside my head was a black hole. I said I learnt so much from her about myself - to the extent that when I spoke to new T I was able to say - my issues are: early attachment disorder, neglect, abuse and some trauma with rejection, abandonment and trust issues and Su Ideation.

She also added that I needed most help at the moment with emotion regulation...

The session was coming to an end, I noticed her glance at the clock and because it was my final session I could be as cheeky as I wanted to be - and especially as she had just told me that she enjoyed that - I said to her "I just caught you looking at the clock, how much more pain have I got left". She laughed (she laughed and smiled heaps today) and said "you have 20 minutes of pain left". I said that they need to have another clock on the wall so I could see it so I knew when the torture sessions were ending. She laughed some more.

Do I need to say that I choked up and wiped away tears many, many times? No I didn't think I need to tell you guys that.

I asked her "So tell me, when I read out my story to you - did you feel some tears?" She said "I felt more than a few tears".

When it finished we stood, I walked over to her and said "I am going to hug you". She put her arms out and we hugged and she didn't let go. It was a lovely, meaningful moment. I whispered to her through my tears "Thankyou". I can't remember what she said.

I left and I didn't look back at her.

I went down to my car and cried. And I keep crying all the time. It just keeps hitting me. I understand all the reasons for all this, the rational part of my head agrees with it, I have my new T who I trust, but I am so very, very sad. I can't even see the screen right now for tears. They are rolling down my face.

I just don't know what to do with all the tears and sadness. I am so incredibly sad.