T asked what I wanted to talk about (offering a few suggestions) and I mentioned that the stuff that was stirred up was the only thing on my mind even though other stuff was going on. He said, "Yeah, you texted me a bit about that." Then, T started to ask me specific, but not invasive questions. I love that he did this, because I've told him how specific questions work better for me, make me feel I have permission to speak, make me feel he's interested.
***MAY BE TRIGGERING - NOT VERY DETAILED***
He asked how old I was when the events I referred to happened. I told him the first was at 12 and the second at 16. He asked if they were related to me and I said no, but people I knew or had just met. He asked how old were the guys who had done these things (which he still doesn't know what they were). I said, when I was 12, the guy was 18. Here, T said calmly, gently, but with a lot of feeling. "That makes me so mad." It really took me aback to receive his words and I couldn't help but downplay what happened as not a big deal, because it wasn't as bad as the later incident. I didn't say what happened, because I kept feeling it was my fault, but from what I did say, T responded that, "12 is so young and you did well to get through the experience."
We talked about the experience when I was 15-16 and dated a 23-year-old. All I could tell him was that we dated, we had agreed not to do anything sexual and talk about it first if it was going that direction, but we didn't talk about it, he did stuff and I froze. I didn't like it, but I couldn't say anything or do anything and I felt it was my fault for not making it stop or telling anyone. That I didn't really remember my feelings clearly until this week and before that, just vaguely the list of things he had done that, "I wasn't ready for." I told him I couldn't even say if it was once or multiple times, because the memory wasn't fully there. I couldn't go on. I kept trying to get myself to be able to talk about details, but he had stopped asking specific questions and I wasn't able to get myself to speak, because everytime I thought of the things I wanted to tell them, I would start feeling them in my body and felt so gross. He asked if we could pray about it and he prayed over me again. I couldn't go on, but I wanted to.
****END TRIGGERY STUFF****
At this point, I had gone silent for a while, so T gently asked if he could know what I was thinking and I told him I was trying to think of a way of making myself more comfortable (in the room) so I might be able to talk. T said he thought that was a wonderful idea and asked if I had any suggestions. I sheepishly said I had been thinking about sitting on the floor. T said that would be fine and did I think it would help if he sat on the floor too?
I said I wasn't sure and wouldn't know until we were down there, so he asked if I wanted to try it, and I said, "OK, yeah, that would be nice." So I sat on the floor in front of the couch. He moved to the opposite side of the table from me and sat on the ground. I don't know if that was to be "appropriate" because if he sat where his chair usually was, we'd have been only three or four feet away from each other. However, moving his chair would have been a pain. Also, we had already started talking about the trauma stuff, so he may have been careful with me not to enter my space. Anyway, I spent most of the remainder of our session sitting with my head resting in my hands/arms, which were resting on my knees. He spent most of the time facing the same direction as me (I think, because I wasn't looking at him), so we were kind of side-to-side as I like. I said I wanted to bury myself under something and he offered use of a pillow and told me about how some other clients used them like shields or adjusted his office in other ways. I felt less weird about being unconventional (when I told H I wanted to sit on the floor, he thought I was really weird).T had the heater (small portable kind) pointed at himself all session. He had asked me at the beginning to tell him if I was too hot. Here he explained that he had spilled something on himself and was trying to dry off...poor T! I had thought he was either recognizing I had shivered the session before or manipulating me to see if I would actually complain if I got too hot. I felt kind of stupid once he explained and thanked me for putting up with the heat.
The (evil glass) table was in my way, so I asked if I could move it and he said I could, but I only moved it a few inches. He said I could do anything I wanted with the table, short of breaking it. I said, "I don't know. I think breaking it might be very therapeutic for me," and T laughed warmly and said, "That's funny!!!" I said, "It would be more amusing if I weren't at least 50% serious." T said, "Actually, I think I find it more amusing, because I know you are partly serious."
The rest of the session, we mostly talked about how I was feeling about not being able to talk, about my texting. He offered a few other topics (childhood memories, etc.), but I said I didn't want to talk about that right now and I really wanted to get this (trauma) stuff out of me. I said, "I want it gone!" and he said, "Poof! It's gone!" This triggered stuff about my dad, which I told him, and he said, "Uh-oh, there I go again, huh?"
The trauma stuff just kept coming back and I actually started crying a little, but not so that I think he could have noticed. I said I just wanted to forget about it. He noted how that is what I had been doing for years and that it hadn't really worked. I said, a bit irritated, "Well, it worked before I came here." He asked if there was anything I could think of that would make these next few days easier. I was silent. He mentioned that he had been reviewing one of my exercises from a few months ago and remembering how impressed he was with it and wondered if I could do something like that again. I told him that it was nearly impossible for me to get uninterrupted time to myself to do anything lately, and T was sad about that. I explained that every time I tried to go journal, H would come and want to spend time with me and I did not want to always be pushing him away. T said I am a "good wife" and how he knows from talking to H that H is very aware of that.
T reassured me that it was going to be OK and we were going to get through this. We talked a bit more and then it was time to wrap up, so he asked if it was OK if we prayed and I reminded him that I will never say, "No," to ending the session. So, when he started praying, he started out by saying, "God, leaving is so hard!" and prayed almost the whole time about how much it hurt and how lonely it is to have to leave. He offered me another Friday phone call and I said I felt like I was taking advantage, but he said, "Not at all," and that he had felt our last phone session was really good. He told me an author to look up, but warned me it might trigger this stuff more.
After I left, I texted him about how I was feeling and that I would email the details I couldn't say and demarcate the parts that were more sensitive in case he wanted to skip and asked if a Friday call was really OK and he replied in the affirmative to everything. I started journaling as soon as I got home, and just like the last three days, H immediately came in to "spend time" with me as soon as I tried. When he said this, I burst in to tears and asked, "WHY DO YOU KEEP DOING THIS TO ME? I TOLD YOU I WANT TO JOURNAL! I WANT TO GET THIS STUFF OUT OF ME AND EVERY TIME I TRY YOU SUDDENLY WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH ME." I felt like I was not being the wife that T was proud of and H seemed alarmed and hugged me and said to keep journaling and he would sleep. So I journaled in bed and he slept next to me. I was up until 2:00 am. I not only identified my experiences at 12 and 16, but also stuff with H that was related. I also went full honesty with how T was making me long for safe closeness and how his sitting on the other side of the table made me feel and how all that played into my trauma stuff.
I texted him this morning and said that I knew it would probably be a while before he could read it, but asked that he please just drop me a line to let me know that what I sent was OK to share. I have to get used to asking for what I need! He said he would, but he probably wouldn't have access to it until Friday morning (which honestly was earlier than I expected).I am missing T very badly this morning. The more vulnerable I let myself be, the more I just want him here all the time.
