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3 replies

Laughter in telling my story.

forgetmenotforgetmenotMember
I've been in a bit of a tizzy this evening. I've been ocd'ing and worrying about stuff. I'd like your opinion on this and if you've experienced this than comments would be great.

I am a bit worried about a certain aspect of me which I don't understand. I've told people before about my abuse (emotional neglect and physical). Not many people, but a few. When I've mentioned what happened or an incident:

**TRIGGER WARNING**

For instance I told a friend of mine how my Dad, at times of his anger would pull me by the hair upstairs, they're look of shock on they're face would make me laugh.

**Trigger end**

I don't get why I laugh. Is it nerves? These incidents arn't funny at all. I think I can become a bit of an attention seeker. I want the sympathy and attention that I didn't get enough. I need understanding, but why is it when someone is shocked, I want to laugh.

Is it a nervous reaction? An attempt to brush it off lightly? God forbid, that I actually enjoy the shock of they're reaction? Why would I enjoy it?

All child abuse experiences are not funny at all. Frowner I wonder if anyone can help with suggestions as to why I react like this?

With T when I tell her about stuff, I don't laugh. I talk about CA and I don't really associate with it. However I'll tell her with a lot of strong personal and emotional conviction how I hate bad parenting.

I think this simply contributes to my worries that I'm so not with it emotionally that I might turn into someone horrible. I don't want to. I have intelligence to at least try and balance logically, if not emotionally.

I feel very fragmented. I don't know what's going on with me and I'm worried that I have a whole lot of repressed emotion. :S.

I remember waking up one morning and for a split second, I felt the most terrible feelings of emotion that I have ever felt in my life. I have no idea what it was about, but I don't want it to happen again. It was only for about a second. It could have been a result of a dream that woke me...but if it was the subconscious opening up for that moment, my god, that's a lot of pain I must deal with...

Frowner
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forgetmenotforgetmenotMember
Thanks for your input. I feel better. I think I'm trying to understand how I deal with my emotions generally. They are so disconnected from my body. I'm not sure what to make of aura readers, but I went to one a while back and she was quite concerned because my heart chakra was way out of line with my head (?) chakra. Basically she was saying that mindfully, intellectually, I'm very learnt but emotionally, there is a big disconnection.

I so want to feel more than this. But I think I'm used to normalizing stuff and intellectualizing.

In last session with T, I remember meekly telling her 'I missed you last week'. To say 'I miss you' to someone whom I feel connected with, I have found, is very hard. I say 'I miss you' to friends but I know I disconnect. The words have no meaning or emotion to them which makes me reluctant to say 'I miss you' or 'I love you' because I'm not sure how real it is. T and I discussed me needing her and pretty quickly worked out that I feel ashamed to say I need someone to help me. So there's an indication that I've learnt to harden up in some ways. Frowner

I think the laughter must be a way to offset my dealing with how people react. Maybe I just can't handle that sort of truth. Maybe my mind is used to disassociating and normalizing it so much that when I see a more understandable reaction, I become indenial of it through my reaction..

Food for thought Smiler
N ninnMember
I agree with using laughter as a defense in the situation you are talking about.

I find myself saying "it's funny" and even laughing, in therapy, and then I'll sometimes say, "Well, it's not very funny, but...." and can even start crying right in the middle of laughing. I really hope, for myself, that I can stop with the walls and defenses, but I guess I am trying to protect myself....

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