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I told T at least once a day for a few minutes I feel like I'm going to lose it, and go into some kind of nutter butter state. It's like a wall will be removed, or the rock that I hide under will expose me to something I might not be able to cope with. And If I dared to think too much about that state of mind it might happen. T says it is the final separation from the Ma feeling that is very close to happening now

I'm not sure if it is a fearful or factual feeling while this forgone conclusion awaits.

I don’t recall having this feeling while ridding father from my head. Ma had been so very hard to get rid of compared to Da. My dependency on her was greater.



This opportunity to feel what must be felt during my 'holiday' from the world is no different than any other attempt I have made by going forward in therapy. Its another risk that must be taken to reach an ending.

I march time in time, and continue to dance around what matters.


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