Wynne

I think for me, it was realizing that she was always listening to me. That she was calm and gentle when I was so tense. How her face showed true empathy for what I was saying. How she repeated what I said to be sure that she understood how I meant it. How she told me she wasn't going anywhere when I was freaking out about what I would do AFTER therapy (and I'm not even anywhere close to that!) How she would call me back when I finally got the nerve to call her and ask for help. How she would give me just the slightest nudge when she could see I was on the brink of something, but was too afraid or didn't know how to say it.

None of this came right away by any means, and I'm not so sure you can look for it. It all comes as a feeling. An understanding, an acceptance of me with all my terrible faults and crazy idiosyncrasies. The whole transference thing really crept up on me and caught me totally off guard. I didn't know what the heck it was and I thought I was warped to have these feelings. Guess what? I'm not! Well, not about that, I'm warped about a lot of other things.

I'm really glad you asked this question. This has been good for me to really put my feelings for her and why I love her and trust her so, into words. At this moment, she is the person I trust most in the world. She holds so many of my thoughts, feelings and secrets.

PL

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Originally posted by puppy lover:
I think for me, it was realizing that she was always listening to me. That she was calm and gentle when I was so tense. How her face showed true empathy for what I was saying. How she repeated what I said to be sure that she understood how I meant it. How she told me she wasn't going anywhere when I was freaking out about what I would do AFTER therapy (and I'm not even anywhere close to that!) How she would call me back when I finally got the nerve to call her and ask for help. How she would give me just the slightest nudge when she could see I was on the brink of something, but was too afraid or didn't know how to say it.

(wiping tears) PL,
There is a moving theme song playing in the background as I read your words. You have a way of describing my therapist to a... T. That is exactly how she won me over and it took time. So I think as you so aptly pointed out, "I'm not so sure you can look for it." is the bottom line.

So Wynne, I completely agree with PL. T-Fella sounded like he had some very extraordinary qualities and it may take you some time before you are able to feel so at ease with CalmT. Especially when he has a little of T-Fella's shadow to live under, if ya know what I mean. It will come though.

After 3 years I still challenge that trust. I think I do it for fun sometimes just to get a rise out of her. (Not really)

HB,
Hey I use the same definition of trust! Go figure! My T is doing a lot of work to break me of that one. See my thread on not having a regular appts. OK, threads.

Wynne,
Another great question. For me, it was something that took time. I learned to trust my T when I was only doing the marital counseling with him and my husband. But I will say that major factors were that he LISTENED and then let me know he understood. I felt like I mattered to him.

There was one major reason I didn't realize until much later when we were having one of those retrospective conversations that we occasionally have. I had just told him that I would never have worked with a man individually. That it was coming to trust him in the couples counseling was why I was willing to even try it. And he asked me, "why did you trust me?" When I sat and thought about it, I realized it was because he didn't get angry when I was scared. My most vivid memories of my dad were him getting angry when I got scared. My T never gets angry with me for having feelings. Which makes me feel accepted, which makes me trust him. And never once have I felt even a hint of scorn or impatience for any of my feelings.

And I remember the moment of crystalization. When I looked at him and realized "I trust this man." I was telling him a lyric from a song that was really resonating with me at the time and not everyone, or even most people, would have got it. I could see it physically hit him, he TOTALLY got why it resonated with me. And it was like a spot light went on and I knew he understood. Of course, that moment led directly to having to tell him how I felt.

AG

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(wiping tears) PL,
There is a moving theme song playing in the background as I read your words. You have a way of describing my therapist to a... T.

So JM, picture this......
I printed out what I wrote above because I thought that writing it was such a good process for me. I stuck it in my purse (just in case)....

I READ IT TO HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Oh the background music is great!) Where did the guts for that come from? I think you or someone else took over my body for a few minutes and made me do it! What was I thinking? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh......... I want my mommy, or my T, or someone!

Ok, I'm back. Well, when I looked up, she was sitting there with such an accepting look on her face. If someone had just said all that stuff about me, I'd be rolled in a ball on the floor! She said that this was really important information for her to understand what I was feeling. She was really glad I said it! I feel a pattern being carved into my brain right now. Yup, it's getting deeper.

Oh therapy, dear, dear therapy.........

PL

PL, I am so happy you got to share that and the moment with your T. What a nice moment too I might add. I have shared things I have written abouut my T with her too. Those are very endearing moments. It sounds like she is a wonderful therapist who cares very deeply for you and I am sure that she is happy to hear your heartfelt expressions. Therapy is such an intense experience and having such a caring and grounded T is so reassuring as we tend to need so much of that.

May I also point out that quite often our feelings that we speak of toward our T and what we genuinely find in them reveals just what we have been looking for and have needed our entire lives. They take on such a huge and responsible role in our care to provide the best they have to offer us. Oddly enough these same feelings we love about our T are the very feelings we long to have about ourselves, and they help us to mirror that as they convince us through demonstration that we are worthwhile of such love and care. Finally, after the pattern has been carved in our brain as you put it, the idea is that we begin to show these same feelings for ourselves. From your post there seems to be a desire for a willingness to listen, calm, gentle, empathy, undertsanding, dependablity, willingness, kindness, genuine personal interest, and reassuring. And the funny thing is, these are qualities that we most long for and that we usually demonstrate to those we care about. PL, I hope you begin to show these for yourself because you deserve that too. You really do! Your T is proving that you do. She sounds absolutely wonderful and lovable too. Sounds like a perfect match!
JM

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May I also point out that quite often our feelings that we speak of toward our T and what we genuinely find in them reveals just what we have been looking for and have needed our entire lives.

Funny you would mention that, because THAT is what we talked about for a while. She asked me what I thought I wanted to see in someone to trust them. As I was talking, the big "DUH" hammer came down and hit me on the head! I realized that these were all qualities that I didn't see with my mom. My mom was really a wonderful person, and I can't ever say that I was neglected or made to feel inadequate. In fact quite the opposite. I was made to think that I was strong and having feelings was weak, so be tough! Be the leader, be the best, always stand out in front. It's all about the performance. It has been all about the performance in therapy too for me. But with my T, I am working on that.

I'm starting to believe that I need to show all these things to myself. If I can do it for everyone else, then I should think I am worthy of it too.

And yeah, she is a wonderful T and a great match. I guess she is stuck with me for a long.... time. I can just see us as two old biddies, still doing therapy.

PL

LOL, That's funny because I have said that me and my T will be tucked away in the same nursing home together so I can continue my therapy. I will just have to avoid pushing my wheelchair past her room I guess. *snickers*

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I will just have to avoid pushing my wheelchair past her room I guess. Roll Eyes *snickers*

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I will just have to avoid pushing my wheelchair past her room I guess. Roll Eyes *snickers*

Now THAT'S funny! Those boundaries are everywhere, aren't they?

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It causes me such anxiety that i would rather keep quiet.

I totally understand that! And I am truly no example. This is just the tip of the iceberg for me. I was so filled with guilt and angst when all the transference stuff started. The anxiety about all of it was killing me. I have an email relationship with another T and because I didn't have to look at her face, I was able to tell her how I was feeling about my face to face T. She kept telling me to be honest, that my T would understand and I would be able to resolve some of the feelings I had. Then I found this forum. Everyone here was talking about transference and how they felt about their T's. I was in so much pain and I finally realized that this is what is "supposed" to happen. Even though I thought she would kick me out for all these feelings, you guys here gave me the strength to tell her just a little bit about how I felt. Her response was amazing and she looked at me as though to say, "Well it's about time you got here!" Little by little I've been letting things slip out. This last one really surprised me!

I really do understand those feelings of terror. I have been seeing her for 2 years, and it took me that long to really trust her. You have a very understandable reason to be terrified, because of your relationship with another T. It sounds to me like this T is very patient and attuned to you if he has been working "blind" with you and not pressuring you to say something that you are not ready to say. It also sounds like you took a giant step in your last session. I'm so glad the you are finding your voice and I know that you will be able to build upon it. Remember, baby steps. That's all we can ask of ourselves.

PL

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There is a part of me that knows without doubt he is trustworthy, (just to be sure i made him write a list of reasons why he thought he was worthy of my trust, which he did and he had some really good ones Big Grin )

Whoa. REALLY??? ...What were they? That sounds like The Best Thing Ever.

I pretty much spent the year and a half after I told my T how I felt about him, working through the terror he would leave. I've lost track of how many times I've asked him for reassurance or if he's upset with me, of if he's sending me away. I really appreciated that he totally understood why I felt that way and never took it personally. He has never given me any reason to mistrust him but he's totally accepting of the fact that I feel that way.

HB,

That's a really good answer. I'd think about trusting that guy, too.

I think I learned to trust my T a little bit at a time. I tested him over and over again and he always passed my tests. I would venture further and further with him and it always turned out well. But even then I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop... for something he would do that would send me running from him. I expected the worst and got...well I got the very best I've ever had in my life. You see it was not that I didn't trust him it was just that I could never trust anyone before and this was so new to me. I think asking him why he became a T was helpful and made me feel he had integrity. I think watching him work with my son built my trust in him as well.

I don't think trust is an easy thing, especially for those of us who have been betrayed by caregivers in the past. It is something that takes time and trial and error to build and develop.

TN