Usually I leave posts up if the content doesn't trigger me, or is for someone else' thread.

I've always been strongly freaked out by being observed (whether I'm responded to or not here, and in my regular life all the time). It's a trauma trigger of CSA and exploitation from my past and complicates my daily "real life", drives my ED, SI, and some core negative beliefs about myself. If I'm doing badly outside of cyberspace, I tend to remove my posts as I try to find comfort for myself in my daily life.

We tend not to go off topic (concerned about not focusing on the person initiating the thread). So sometimes I don't want to add things and don't want to be a jerk. If I accidentally do, I usually remove it.

So, those are my reasons. I wish I didn't, but I do... I love me anyway.

I have trouble leaving posts up and especially starting them in the first place I do feel guilty because I wish I could contribute more here but often can't summons the courage to do so. Sorry. I am though in awe of all you who do - even if you later taken them down

i think this is a really good question. i'd say that the biggest trigger for me in deleting a post is when i really need some kind of acknowledgement or validation and don't get it. the thing is, when i post under those circumstances, i don't necessarily realize that that's what i'm reaching out for. that's why this is such a good question for me. i never really thought about "why" i delete a post, i've always thought it was mostly reactional. but now that i think about it, it's because i need something from the people here, i put it out there without saying i need something, and then when i don't get it, i delete. like, i expect everybody here to read my mind. lesson for me: get in touch with what you want/need, and learn to ask for it without judgement of self.

really good question, (((RT))). thanks for the food for thought.

That's part of it for me, too, CD. Thanks for sharing.

-RT

CD that is very enlightening because I often think the same way.

The other reason I take down a post is when I realize that I was veering off into my own stuff on someone elses thread. Sometimes I respond as if I'm in conversation with someone. Something they says has triggered a thought in me. But when I go back I realize that I'm dragging their post off on a tangent and go back and delete my post.

Jillann

I haven't deleted any posts so far, but I have been tempted to do so when it's something really intense and personal. I usually decide to leave them up because (1) I think it might help someone and (2) I want to live fully and honestly. I spent my whole childhood cramming away secrets and hiding who I am. I can't do it anymore. And I won't.

You are one strong woman, Affinity!

T and I were actually talking about this today. Not this specifically, but the ideas. This is what she said:

"Giving others too much of your energy and too much power is a risk when you open yourself up to them. Practice practice practice. The boundaries will come."

-RT

I think for me it is about visibility. I haven't deleted a post yet mainly because I am quite careful and know that I can feel overexposed quite easily. I nearly did recently over a post I wrote about vulnerability. I think that was right on the edge of my window of tolerance.

If I have edited it is usually over concerns about making it all about me, me, me and not the person posting.

I have irrational fears about being identified on the internet, which is utterly ridiculous. Sometimes that features in my thinking about whether or not to write something or leave it up.

quote:

concerns about making it all about me, me, me and not the person posting

I get this feeling sometimes. I also think, though, that sharing our experiences helps others. It can normalize our responses to awful experiences. It can give new ideas about another way to handle a situation. And many other benefits. I do think it is a delicate balance, but perhaps one should err on the side of too much information than not enough when responding.

-RT

Yeah, I completely agree. I recognise the 'me, me, me' worry has very deep roots that really skews my thinking. I get the same worry when I am functioning in groups about taking up too much 'airspace' or appearing demanding. Emotional 'indulgence' was tolerated really badly in my family so what feels overbearing or demanding to me wouldn't necessarily be perceived in the same way by someone else. It does make me second guess a lot. Mostly I try to ask people now or trust that they'll tell me if I am beinga noisy pain in the butt.

(((CD))))

Have you figured out what it is you need? I often feel the same way, that I put something out but don't know that I'm looking for something until afterwards. Is it just feeling lonely and wanting connection? Validation that you exist?

Mrs. Mallard,

I am trying to imagine you being overbearing and demanding. Does it sound like this? mallard. Sounds good to me.

-RT

Liese, that sounds exactly right

Affinity, Absolutely love your response. Same here. Enough with secrets. My whole childhood was secrets. Done with hiding too. I'm learning to stand up for the first time in my life. I want to be counted, dammit! I've exercised it several times over this last year and it felt AMAZING and shut the trouble makers down. Ha, they are afraid of me now because I very respectfully, gently won't take their abuse and garbage anymore.It is really empowering. Wow, did I just say that? I am changing and I like it. Everyone who reads here really does learn from each other and I think it helps a lot.

I feel rather embarrassed and ashamed to say why I have taken down posts. This, too, may be one that I later want to take down. I think many of you have been courageous in sharing your experience. And many of you express ways I feel as well. Obviously (I think) it has to do with vulnerability. To what extent do we put ourselves out there? In Open Forum, Sensitive Issues or Private Message? How much do we tell? What do we expect or want to happen with our posts?

I know sometimes I have come to the Forums in a state of desperation, looking for a bit of comfort and understanding. If I don't ask for that specifically, I risk opening myself to the opinions of others, whatever they may be. At times the responses are too strong, and I shrink inside, quickly taking down the post, unable to allow myself further exposure.

Last year I posted something here from the depths of despairing insanity. When I didn't receive what I wanted/needed, I cried back in a little girl tantrum saying, "why aren't you giving me xyz?" I hadn't asked for xyz, so that left me open to anything. Someone wrote something so sharp (at least to my little girl), saying I had already gotten more than I had asked for. I went into major withdrawal, taking down all my posts on that thread. And, eventually, almost everything - 100's of posts - before I went into hibernation for five or six months. Hello. What kind of sensitivity, vulnerability, insecurity, worthlessness and fear is that?

Sometimes my self-worth is so low that when I go back and read what others have written, I deem myself trite and stupid, not worth being heard. Un-post.

Okay. Big, big shame here. I have been struggling with this a lot lately, and the decision to leave something posted has caused me tremendous anxiety. I suppose that's why I started this thread. Initially, there was a lot of discussion, but at the end, very little. Yet, I could see that the thread was getting lots of hits. In my final posts I'd shared some things that felt pretty vulnerable to me, and that's when the comment:hit ratio went way down. I concluded that this "response" was indicative of something bad, abhorrent, insignificant, about me. Logically, I could find many explanations, but my feelings won't sync with my mind. Ergo the pull to take it down.

Affinity and Veryhopefull have both posted that they aren't going to let others keep them silent or forced into secrets - I admire that. I've gotten better about it over the years, but when it comes to Little Me - her insecurities are mighty powerful. I guess for me, it does boil down to what T said. "Giving others too much of your energy and too much power is a risk when you open yourself up to them." I give others the power to inflict my own insecurities back onto myself. Even as I write this, I have been crying, because it is so scary to post this. Adult Me is ashamed of Little Me for wanting. I suppose that's been the message I've heard all along. Shame about neediness. It goes back to that for so many of us, doesn't it? I think many of us feel this with our Ts or partners. Because of the intimacy, they are powerful, and their comment or opinion, at times, can be devastating.

Sometimes it feels safer to say nothing at all.

-RT

RT, Accept my invisible hug. I totally understand what you wrote. You are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. I too can be so effected by other's responses. I am highly sensitive and was ridiculed on an hourly/daily basis growing up. Any sense of self I've been able to scrape together has been a massive struggle. I go back and forth with feelings of no self-worth and trying to value myself. The little kid in me is the most powerful creature I know and she is in serious pain. I am trying to take care of her and it is a conscious work in progress. Sometimes I am really bad at it. I am learning how to integrate what I have learned but it is so hard sometimes. Like yesterday, I tried to quit or get T to toss me and he won't. It stems from the severe lack of worthiness and massive shame. He sees the real me and knows I have a lot to offer this world. He is just trying to get me to feel it inside. You're doing just fine. You have a lot to offer this forum.....I said so! Change and improving our lives take a lot of time and we all just want to press a button and poof....we are changed! We're all under construction and quality construction takes time.

(((RT)))

VeryHopeful is right: You ARE stronger than you give yourself credit for. And while sharing private thoughts and feelings in a semi-public space can awaken feelings of vulnerability and shame, I view it as ultimately helpful and even necessary. By interacting with others here, we are all practicing how to trust, open up, express needs, and draw strength from each other. These are the very same skills we are learning in therapy.

The great thing about this forum is that we can practice being vulnerable without the risk of real exposure. I know Red Tomato as a name, an avatar on a screen--a fellow sojourner on the path to healing who often has thoughts, feelings and experiences similar to mine and others here. But I don't know your real name, or what you look like, or where you live, or who your family is. We worry about "being seen," but in what sense are we really seen here? And how judgmental can we reasonably get toward each other when were all survivors in the same boat? (Answer: not really at all.)

I love this forum. It has helped me so much with my therapy, and I'm very grateful to everyone who has responded to my questions and concerns. But the reality is, I don't have a huge emotional investment here. Risk necessitates investment, and I don't see a huge risk in sharing thoughts when no one knows the real person from whom these thoughts come. Does this make sense?

Yet the act of doing that here makes it easier to do it with known people in real life. And in that lies its great value.

P.S. Your response reminds me how important it is to be gentle when responding to someone in distress. So thank you.

RT, yes that is exactly what I sound like. Especially when I haven't had my morning cup of tea!!