VEry sick, and so is my son. This is feeling tough. BEing ill and being low and being a long way from home is rather hard.
I just have this overwhelming feeling of both not mattering and also that I am not 'good enough' - in buddhist terms 'do not have enough merit'. Which has just been told me by email - I don't have enough merit to have a good audience with his holiness - |I am not yet ' good' enough, Again it is back to 'it's your fault'. Huh.
And the phone signal keeps going down because of the storms here so phoning sweetP may not happen - argh.
Sadly, are you home from India? How are you?
I want to echo Morgs here. Want to hear from you! (((Sadly)))
Totally agree with BG here!!
I hope that you and your son are feeling better by now. Thinking of you.
I hope that you and your son are feeling better by now. Thinking of you.
Sadly, God says you are good enough. You are more than good enough, you are made in His image.
Hey Sadly how are you doing? Haven't heard from you here (or on your blog) for a while now, I hope you are ok. Miss your posts 
Lots of hugs to you ((((((( Sadly ))))))
LL
Lots of hugs to you ((((((( Sadly ))))))
LL
quote:Just to say we are back home safely.
Will write more tomorrow.
Not sure if anyone is reading this.
From Sadly's blog. Home, but no details...
((((Sadly))))
Thanks for sharing, R2G.
Whenever you come back, Sadly, glad you are home safely ((((hugs)))). Missing you.
Whenever you come back, Sadly, glad you are home safely ((((hugs)))). Missing you.
oh guys, you are so sweet - writing here to wonder if I am okay and got home okay. I did. I have just been so tired and family stuff hit me and I just have not managed to post anywhere really.
I saw sweetP on Friday morning and I was utterly delighted to see him, I nearly hugged him but just only just managed to restrain myself.
I talked to him about India, how I felt that I had managed to live and be in India without burying the trauma and that felt new for me. I was actually locked in a room in Delhi for five days and so Delhi triggers me but this time I travelled all over Delhi on the Metro and felt I had snubbed my nose at the trauma there by having fun.
I also talked a lot about how fed up I am with religious organisations and rules and views, which can be so limiting and rule bound. fortunately my own teacher meets me as ME, and does not give me the 'party line' which is something. He is called "LongestBorn" in my blog.
(trigger warning)
I also seemed to get very caught up in whether I was penetrated or not, when I was in India. Friday's session seemed to be all about this and at one point, sweetP apologised for the bluntness but asked me if it mattered to me that I had or had not been actually penetrated in the assaults. It does. I never felt that, but the perpetrator was on top of me several times a night, for nearly three months and all the evidence is that he was raping me, but I never could feel whether he penetrated me or not. And to make it worse, (trigger warnings) when I am in the same position with my husband, ie lying on my back, even when my husband is in me, I cannot feel it.
so
I asked my teacher in India, 'What actually happened?" [Basically : was I raped or not?] And he said he did not want to say infront of my son. Then he said somethings are better off not knowing. Argh.
Of course what happened to me in India in 1987 was awful: violation, abuse, extreme sexual assault, being overpowered and made helpless and powerless, manipulated, physically hurt, mocked, psychologically manipulated, - I mean the list goes on. So why does whether he actually penetrated me ie raped me - matter or not? Technically it always has left the fact that I was raped hanging in uncertainty, as although all the objective evidence is that he obviously did, repeatedly, if I have no feeling of being penetrated, then how can I say that he did??????
Utterly baffling. That is what my whole session was on yesterday.
It has left me really shaken up. At one point I even asked if the burn scars I have (and yes, I have scars in some sensitive areas and was burnt there) whether those scars led me to being unable to feel. Some of my scars have no sensation. but my husband pointed out today that pre India I could feel there and in other positions, I can feel. So that is something.
You can see why I have not been posting. All this is both difficult to say and difficult to even think.
And also, in India in 1987, I don't think I would have held together psychologically if I knew I was raped. I had to feel that at least THAT wasn't happening, ie the worst had not happened. that helped me survive.
So - with all that unloaded to you, I hope that you can bear with me whilst I deal with some of this. I am sorry i have not posted for other people too, I have been more or less out of internet access for nearly a week.
I saw sweetP on Friday morning and I was utterly delighted to see him, I nearly hugged him but just only just managed to restrain myself.
I talked to him about India, how I felt that I had managed to live and be in India without burying the trauma and that felt new for me. I was actually locked in a room in Delhi for five days and so Delhi triggers me but this time I travelled all over Delhi on the Metro and felt I had snubbed my nose at the trauma there by having fun.
I also talked a lot about how fed up I am with religious organisations and rules and views, which can be so limiting and rule bound. fortunately my own teacher meets me as ME, and does not give me the 'party line' which is something. He is called "LongestBorn" in my blog.
(trigger warning)
I also seemed to get very caught up in whether I was penetrated or not, when I was in India. Friday's session seemed to be all about this and at one point, sweetP apologised for the bluntness but asked me if it mattered to me that I had or had not been actually penetrated in the assaults. It does. I never felt that, but the perpetrator was on top of me several times a night, for nearly three months and all the evidence is that he was raping me, but I never could feel whether he penetrated me or not. And to make it worse, (trigger warnings) when I am in the same position with my husband, ie lying on my back, even when my husband is in me, I cannot feel it.
so
I asked my teacher in India, 'What actually happened?" [Basically : was I raped or not?] And he said he did not want to say infront of my son. Then he said somethings are better off not knowing. Argh.
Of course what happened to me in India in 1987 was awful: violation, abuse, extreme sexual assault, being overpowered and made helpless and powerless, manipulated, physically hurt, mocked, psychologically manipulated, - I mean the list goes on. So why does whether he actually penetrated me ie raped me - matter or not? Technically it always has left the fact that I was raped hanging in uncertainty, as although all the objective evidence is that he obviously did, repeatedly, if I have no feeling of being penetrated, then how can I say that he did??????
Utterly baffling. That is what my whole session was on yesterday.
It has left me really shaken up. At one point I even asked if the burn scars I have (and yes, I have scars in some sensitive areas and was burnt there) whether those scars led me to being unable to feel. Some of my scars have no sensation. but my husband pointed out today that pre India I could feel there and in other positions, I can feel. So that is something.
You can see why I have not been posting. All this is both difficult to say and difficult to even think.
And also, in India in 1987, I don't think I would have held together psychologically if I knew I was raped. I had to feel that at least THAT wasn't happening, ie the worst had not happened. that helped me survive.
So - with all that unloaded to you, I hope that you can bear with me whilst I deal with some of this. I am sorry i have not posted for other people too, I have been more or less out of internet access for nearly a week.
***Triggers?***
Thanks for sharing, Sadly. I think whether or not it happened, I would still consider it rape. Your experience of it is the same either way. I'm sorry it has affected your relationship with H. I am in the same place and that is hard. From my experience, I dated a man when I was 15-16 and he was 23. We agreed not to do things and then a couple weeks later he did them anyway and I froze, said nothing, but didn't want it. I have fought in my mind about what to call it, but H and others have kept reminding me that I didn't want it, he did it anyway...my experience of it was rape, whether or not that is what this guy thought he was doing. So, whether or not things went the whole way, you had things of a sexual nature done to you against your will...so from your experience, it was a violation, a rape. I think if I had not dissociated all feeling about what happened to me, if I had considered it as rape at the time, I wouldn't have made it either...and my situation was "not so bad," I guess. But, it is OK, now that you are safe with your H and sweetP to acknowledge it as rape, whether or not penetration occurred. I know how much it can matter to "know" exactly what happened. I have been struggling with that myself lately. I wish I had more to offer, except to say that I am so happy you are safe, home with H and sweetP, able to post more frequently (thank you for doing so while you were gone) and working through this step-by-step.
Thanks for sharing, Sadly. I think whether or not it happened, I would still consider it rape. Your experience of it is the same either way. I'm sorry it has affected your relationship with H. I am in the same place and that is hard. From my experience, I dated a man when I was 15-16 and he was 23. We agreed not to do things and then a couple weeks later he did them anyway and I froze, said nothing, but didn't want it. I have fought in my mind about what to call it, but H and others have kept reminding me that I didn't want it, he did it anyway...my experience of it was rape, whether or not that is what this guy thought he was doing. So, whether or not things went the whole way, you had things of a sexual nature done to you against your will...so from your experience, it was a violation, a rape. I think if I had not dissociated all feeling about what happened to me, if I had considered it as rape at the time, I wouldn't have made it either...and my situation was "not so bad," I guess. But, it is OK, now that you are safe with your H and sweetP to acknowledge it as rape, whether or not penetration occurred. I know how much it can matter to "know" exactly what happened. I have been struggling with that myself lately. I wish I had more to offer, except to say that I am so happy you are safe, home with H and sweetP, able to post more frequently (thank you for doing so while you were gone) and working through this step-by-step.
quote:I travelled all over Delhi on the Metro and felt I had snubbed my nose at the trauma there by having fun.
I love to hear that! You are healing. And welcome home.
Hele
Glad to know you're back safely Sadly 