I've been extremely quiet for a while - I decided to take a step back and focus on me and my therapy. The forum has been invaluable to me in normalising my therapy experiences and feelings but I found I was reading too much and questionning my T's approach, boundaries etc as a result. I was struggling with our relationship and the process so looking for something to blame!
But I'm back - I have missed seeing how people are doing and the helpful, compassionate and occasionally surreal conversations! That's not to say I'm not finding therapy a challenge but I feel on a surer footing with the relationship, despite it's complexity.
I've been with my T for just over 3 years and am feeling that things are changing... I have a sense that I am sitting on the edge of the cosy nest that I have created with my T and I am being pushed out. My T has a different word for it which makes it sound friendlier and more gentle - she talked about nudging me out so I don't get stuck inside... But I WANT to get stuck inside! I've only known what is to feel safe, seen, looked after, cared for, loved for such a short time - ideally I would just stay inside the soft, fluffiness of idealised relationship forever!!
Of course, the sensible part of me knows I can't, that I'm an adult and have to let go of my fantasy that my T can make up for what I missed out on as a child.
I suppose I can be grateful that I can fleeting let in that my T loves and cares about me and that I can trust her to accept whatever I bring her. But it feels very unfair that I'm being nudged to towards the edge of the nest... And there is a whole raft of stuff I've not told her yet... I need to know she's not goin to push me out before I have wings!
I am very scared to admit that I'm reacting like this to her boundary changes and encouragement to look after my inner little girl myself, reach out to other people... I'm adding little scraps of evidence up and making an assumption that she has a strategy that she is working to which involves me leaping off into thin air... That must sound really silly because perhaps that is the ultimate goal - not to need her.
I guess I just have to talk to her about it... I've been trying to avoid the anger and grieving but I think perhaps I have to go through it. I'm full of fears that my anger will push my T away, that the grief will swallow me and I'll never re-emerge... I know I need to take all of that to my T and work through it. I guess I'm just looking for a nudge in the right direction and recognising what I can never have is all part of it...
But it's do-able, right?
I'm glad to be back and am looking forward to feeling able to take part in some of the conversations here again.
Iris
