I’ve made the decision to leave therapy. My last few sessions have been pretty calm, and I’ve actually run out of stuff to talk about (HIGHLY unusual for me.) I keep a list of questions I want to ask my T and I've been whittling away at it. Some took time to ask because they were too scary and some because there just never seemed to be enough time. I'm down to a last few I wanted to ask before I left and today my session on Tuesday morning seemed like a good time. There wasn't too much going on that I needed to talk about and I caught a head cold from my daughters and wasn't in tip top form where I wanted to wade into anything really heavy.
So I finally asked him if the no hug rule held for the last session. (Sorry for those who don’t know my T has a no hugs across the board policy for all his clients, although I do get a handshake at the end of every session.) I told him that I realized that the answer would probably be no, but that I felt I had worked through the loss surrounding the issue and that really it just felt unnatural to part with a relationship this important and NOT hug the person goodbye. He was wonderful as always. He told me the answer was no, and then he said it is unnatural, but the whole therapy relationship is unnatural. That it was perfectly ok to want to hug him and to ask about hugging him. I told him that as close to certain as I was that he would say no, I didn't want to NOT ask and then be haunted by the fact that I might have been able to hug him if I had just asked, but I also didn't want to ask at the door and have to hear a no then. He was great about it.
Then I asked a question I have been curious about for a VERY long time (and kind of can't believe I asked him
). I said I knew it was a long time ago and he might not remember but did he realize I was attracted to him before I said anything? His answer was great, and I must admit staved off a lot of humiliation. He told me that he didn't think he was surprised. It wasn't like he was certain or even expecting it, but it didn't take him off guard.When we finished discussing that my T asked me what kind of feelings came up about asking those questions? That I was talking about asking before I left and how was I feeling about leaving? We spent the rest of the session talking about it. I told him that after he told me not to worry about setting an end date, I really had relaxed and ironically, that was making me feel more ready to go. We discussed a lot of my feelings around leaving and I spent the rest of the day thinking about it.
I ended up emailing my T to ask him two questions to which I already knew the answer. Why then did I ask you say? Took me a while to figure it out. I asked him if he thought I was ready to go and for assurance that he wasn’t glad to get rid of me. He responded and directly answered my questions but in the blandest form imaginable. I was really frustrated with the answer even though he had answered what I asked (which him being the quintessential T does not always happen.
) I was discussing my frustration with a friend and they pointed out that of course I wanted to know how he really felt and what it meant to him to have me leave. A VERY large lightbulb went off over my head and I realized that I had done something that had occurred a number of times throughout therapy. I didn’t need those questions answered, I already knew (his response actually started out with the fact that I already knew the answers) but I was trying once again to breach the boundaries so I could knowhow he felt. And as usual, he held firm (the friend I talked to has actually nicknamed my T the boundary Ninja which let me tell you, is totally apt and very funny. ) My T has often told me that one purpose of the boundaries, and I have experienced it this way, is that I am left with my own feelings. This made me realize that the only reason I’m really still going to see him is the desire to know him more fully and that’s never going to happen. I think I finally came to terms with that. He is my therapist and there is only so much I get to know. And no matter how much I want to know more, it would hurt me and my therapy to know it. I hate that fact, and can rail against with a great deal of passion, but that doesn’t seem to stop it from being a fact.So very quietly, it just became apparent to me that it’s time to go. I’ve grown so much with him and am handling my life so much better. The sad truth is, I don’t need him anymore. Which is also a very wonderful truth. So I emailed my T back and told him what I had realized and set up to keep my next scheduled appt on Sept 7th and that I wanted to schedule our last appointment for the week of Sept 21st. My T replied to my email within an hour (which is totally unprecedented, he's horrible about email
) which was actually a huge indication to me that he knows just how significant this is for me. It was short, but exceedingly gentle. What was really nice was that I asked if I could have an end of day appt both because I wouldn't want to have to go to work afterward, and that it would just be easier knowing he wasn't going to see someone else just minutes after I left. Then I told him he didn't need to respond unless he had a problem with time table. Then I heard back so quickly and he told me that he would be sure to keep time open that week. And that he was sure we would talk more about the process at our next meeting.All of which was very reassuring and off set that tiny voice from my past that was asking "He isn't going to stop me?" I’m glad that I’ve given myself a month as my emotional response to making this decision has been complicated and across the boards. It’s honestly a wonderful feeling of accomplishment to know I’ve reached this point and have it confirmed. (I had spoken to my husband before emailing my T to get his input and he was also clear that he felt I was ready to be on my own. (Not always true.
) And so many things I have learned and so many wonderful moments of attunement and intimacy have been running through my thoughts. I am unspeakably grateful for what I have learned from my T, for the safe place he provided, for the comfort he provided as I mourned, for the clear reflections of who I was that helped me undo so many distortions from my past so that I could see myself so much more cleary, the good and the not so good. But I am also terribly sad and grieving about going. I will miss him so much. And like so much of therapy this leavetaking is unatural. We just don’t walk away from deep, intimate, life giving relationships just because. But I really feel a deep peace that this has run its course, its time for me to venture forth. It’s very bittersweet. I do take comfort from the realization that he is a part of me in a way I can’t remove if I wanted to, and he has made it abundantly clear his door remains open. I told him in my email that this was going to be a break of unspecified length. This feels scary and exciting at the same time. Sometimes I fear I’ll only last three days, and then call and tell him I’ve changed my mind. And at other times, I have visions of striding off strong and confident. Neither of which probably describes what it will look like. I know I’m going to need support through this because I can forsee it being really hard at some points. And I know that all of you will understand just how significant this really is. (I have some very well-intentioned friends who only see this as a really happy thing instead of the bittersweet experience it really is.) So thanks for listening.
I should probably mention that I’m back posting (as if you hadn’t figured that out by now.
) I spent a session or two discussing boundaries with my T (mine for once! 
) and I feel like I can strike a better balance so I’m wading back in. Work is getting very busy though and will be for the next several months (part of why it seemed like a good time to leave therapy, I’ll be very busy) so I may be very intermittent in my posting. I’ve really missed everyone and look forward to getting caught back up. AG
