good questions- sorry I don't have an answer for ya. Feeling pretty sheepish myself- I too sent an angry txt- questioning wht the f--- he was doing, and yes, I used the word. His response made me cringe. It was " Hele, I am just trying to care for you the best way I know how." Sometimes it is hard to handle kindness without looking for alterior motives.

I hope things get better for ya, but you are not alone.

Thanks Mayo,

I decided to leave a third message asking very specifically for a call back if he was able to get back in touch with me.

I hated to call him on a Friday night but he called me 3 times last week when I was at my new job in response to a distressed message that I left for him. I felt wierd picking up the phone because there was another person in the room and he left two messages saying, I'm going to call you back. So I finally picked up on the third call and said, I can't talk now, I'm at work. So he did all the talking.

Anyway, I figured that if he was busy, he wouldn't call me back. And it was his problem. And I was taking care of myself by asking for a call.

So he called me back and yes, he got my other messages but didn't think I needed a call back and I didn't ask for one. I even said at the end of the first one that I'd see him on Monday.

Now I know. I can't play around. I have to be direct. If I want a call back I have to ask for one.

Hi Liese,

I'm glad you called your T and asked for a call back and he got back to you quickly after that. I'm confused though about this

quote:

Now I know. I can't play around. I have to be direct. If I want a call back I have to ask for one.

Were you playing around or did you not feel like you needed a call back when you left the first message or the second. I`m asking because I sometimes think I don`t need a call back or at least not an urgent one (I say call me when you have time) and then discover that I do want one but I wouldn`t characterize that as playing around.

During your call back did you get to talk about the difficult thing you have been trying to ask him this week. Does he understand what you were saying indirectly or are you going to leave it until Monday`s session.

I hope you feel better that he called back and he was getting your messages. I talked to my T this week about when he would get back to me if I emailed him when he wasn`t at work (I`m a little jealous because I have no way to get a phone call) and he told me he wasn`t able to guarantee any timeframe because he likes to completely turn off his phone at times and so he wouldn`t make any guarantees. It is not what I wanted to hear but I can understand that it is his boundary and not about me.

Hi Liese,

I too would have suggested calling T back a third time, and I am glad you did. I am trying to get used to overcoming embarrassment over these kinds of scenarios myself. I also struggle with asking for a callback. For me, it's the old cliche' of wanting T to be so in tune that she gets it herself. At times she does, others she hasn't, and I have gotten frustrated. Actually what I am getting out of all this is that apparently this calling-back-if-the-client-asks is some rule of being a T. It's good to know others out there are experiencing what I am...

Good luck on Monday

effed

((((KANSAS)))))

I'm so sorry things are so bad right now and that you are crying all the time. Is there any way to patch it up with T?

((((INCOGNITO)))

When I left the first message, I didn't give any thought to whether or not I wanted him to call me back, I just thought he would call back even though I told him I'd see him on Monday. And the funny thing was, I was annoyed that he called yesterday to leave the message he did. I thought it was caring and nice but it triggered me because it was about stuff I didn't want to talk about. I was trying to stuff it. But so part of my message to him in the first voicemail was to reassure him that nothing was wrong, that I wasn't upset with what he said as we walked out of the session. There I was, triggered by his voicemail trying to reassure me. And then calling back to reassure him and getting triggered when he didn't call back. What a mess.


I was surprised when he didn't call me back. And then when I left the second message telling him to ignore the first, I thought he'd realize I was in distress and he would call me.

I would call that playing around. But honestly, the thing I've wanted to talk to him about all week is something that is really difficult for me to talk about. So, I actually have mixed feelings about it. It's a moment in my therapy where I feel I could almost leave and not go back.

I found myself in a bind tonight: being assertive with him tonight (calling him again) about needing to hear from him but also wanting to avoid the topic that I left the message about.

Funny, I've been jealous of those who can email and/or text because I can't do either of those things. It's so much easier for me to take risks with email but on the other hand, it would probably cause problems for me because I'd send an email with vulnerable stuff and then feel vulnerable and awful waiting for a reply back.

The phone thing has been hard for me because I only call when I'm really in distress but maybe that's a good thing too. Sometimes I will just leave him a message, letting him know I am okay. And sometimes I really do know that I don't want a response back and I'm okay if he doesn't call.

I'm sorry he couldn't give you a more definite answer as to when he might get back to you. With my T, during the week he's in session back to back. He has told me that if it's urgent, to tell his secretary and he will call me back in between patients. If not, he'll call me back when he has a break or at the end of the night. So at least I know what to expect. I took me a long time to be able to ask him that kind of stuff though.

I've never asked him, and so what if I don't hear back within 24 hours, is it okay to call? But maybe you can ask your T something like that, like, for instance, if I don't hear back from you within a certain amount of time, is it okay if I ask for a reply? Would that help?

HUGS to both of you,

Liese

Hi Liese... I'm glad you decided to call back again and that you spoke to him and things are better for you. I have learned the hard way to say when I want a call back (or an email response) otherwise I know I'll be suffering. Well, actually with my current T I page him so I always get a call back... eventually when he has time. It's always within the same day though. He has told me that if I don't hear from him in a couple of hours to send the page again in case it didn't go through. I did that once so far.

But I understand that this thing you are trying to avoid and need to talk about at the same time is weighing on you and is impacting your asking for what you need (a call back) from your T. I know that sometimes we think they should KNOW we need to hear from them but they really are not mind readers. I hope on Monday you find a way to talk about things with him so that you will feel better.

TN

Hi Effed and TN,

Effed, I think we cross-posted! It's nice to know that others struggle with this too. Although I am sorry for you because I know how much anxiety it causes. I had already placed the 3rd phone call and heard back from him before I saw your post but was glad that you did encourage me to call. I had been guessing that everyone would say, Liese, you've called him twice already on his day off. Let it go.

Thanks too, TN for you support. I figured that if I called and asked for a response, then I would know for sure whether he got my message or not and why I hadn't heard from him. And it would force me in the future to be more honest about what I am asking for and to ask for it.

Well, it's pretty obvious to T now that there's something I have been avoiding talking about and almost have to talk about it on Monday - which is the reason I left my first message, to force myself to confront the issue. So, I guess my thinking was good in that regard. But it's a painful topic and I'm very scared. When we finally spoke, I told T I wasn't sure I'd come in on Monday and he said, see you Monday.

Thanks for the support and encouragement.

Hugs to all,

Liese

Hey Liese
I would have been screaming out "do the third call". Glad you did.

I suffer these problems all the time. I half ask for things, suggest things and hint at things. Usually at the time I might not realise that the issue is important until I have hinted a few times, T hasn't got the message and then it becomes a huge problem for me and I realise that it was an important thing for me right from the start.

I know you don't have the email contact. It can be good and bad. For me my T wants me to write as much as I can as I tell her all sorts of unedited stuff - she must wring her hands in glee because I tell her 99% of stuff via email that I would never be able to tell her in person. She then picks out the important stuff and follows it up. Sometimes I write her raw stuff that makes me very vulnerable - usually these are the times when T stuffs up and forgets to check emails or an email gets lost and I am left dangling there waiting for her to respond. There is a risk to doing it but for me - the writing has been really welcomed.

Sometimes in session she will comment about a few issues I wrote about and I will say "I didn't tell you that". Then she will show me and I will say "omg, i had no idea I told you that, i didn't even want to bring that up". Then i feel like I have betrayed myself and told her too much and feel very exposed and vulnerable. Ultimately though - it is better to tell her.

I have never called her for a call back, although i could if I needed to. I have text a few times.

With my last T - i used to dance around issues and the subject I needed to talk about ALL the time. It caused me so many problems. I didnt trust her enough to tell her straight. I am closer to this T and I feel safer to do so. Also - the last T used to reply to my emails and I felt like total crap about it and her replies triggered me badly as she misunderstood my issue (and I wasn't being clear). This new T has never sent me a triggery reply - she is so much more in tune.

My T is teaching me to be direct with what I want and to ask clearly. I am sure she is sitting back all the time waiting for me to ask and can see I am struggling - but she doesn't rescue me. Sometimes when she stuffs up I think she is testing me - but she hasn't been - she has just stuffed up....so we have had a big fight about it and I tell her what I think of her!!! I email her my feelings and tell her how her actions caused me to feel x,y,z and this is how it makes me feel and think etc. T loves hearing this and she says she sees progress in me asking for what I want. Even though I am not happy with her - she welcomes it and accepts all the negative things I dish at her.

Glad he called back and it is sorted for you.
SD

Liese,

It sounds as though it is all resolved by now but I just wanted to say that when I read your post about this, I didn't think he was ignoring you. Maybe he just wants you to ask for what you want. Glad it got sorted out and hopefully this will make your relationship with him more solidified and secure.