Yikes, ghost girl - it scares me that she is so unaware of this. It isn't fair on you that her body/sexuality is entering into the therapy room this way. I wonder if there's a way you can let her know that it's uncomfortable?

I get not wanting it to stop, because attraction can be a nice distraction, but it's also giving you a lot of painful feelings too.

I get angry about it. I mean I know my therapist is by no means thinking about if her way of dressing is going to be a trigger for me. I get confused. I am in a professional career delivering patient care and would never think of dressing that way. It is what it is and now it is my issue. When I approached the topic of discussing my uncomfortable sexual thoughts and feelings for her she just asked about the content of my thought and wasn't too concerned about how I felt about those thoughts so I just shut up about it. She knows how to shut me down.

quote:

It is what it is and now it is my issue.

GG, it sorta sounds like you're carrying the full burden of something that actually shouldn't be your issue. I'm not surprised you feel angry about it. I want to say - you don't have to shut down. She doesn't have that right, to shut you down. And I think most professionals DO know that provocative dress is a problem and a distraction, so I wonder what the hell she is thinking?

My couples therapist also has a Banging Body (TM) and clearly cares a lot about how she looks - hair, tan, manicure, pedicure, heels, etc - but she keeps the essentials covered, and I think that's a minimum requirement for good practice. Otherwise, I worry that there's some subtle manipulation going on.

I wonder what she is thinking too. I KNOW there is manipulation going on and it pisses me off. when she comes in there with those short short skirts on and then sits down and shows too much and makes it to look like "attempts" to cover up, by pressing her skirt down or trying to tuck what little material is there under her leg, I want to go off on her so bad. It takes every ounce of self control to not throw her the blanket from the couch and tell her to cover up. I am actually beginning to feel embarresed for her that she is so clueless. Grrrrrrr! IRRITATING! I am a woman. I know what kind of attention I am looking for when I dress certain ways. Just sayin!

How old is she, GG? Has she been in practice long? I was pretty clueless in my 20s, and didn't think much about how clothing would wear in different situations. But a counsellor with any experience should be onto it by now.

Maybe you SHOULD throw her the blanket - I guarantee she would take care of the situation quickly!

She is 56 and has been practicing since 1987. Can she actually be that clueless about what her sexuality and showing it off can trigger off in patients! I guess so, or I guess she doesn't care. I tend to believe it is the latter. She doesn't care.

Right, well, if that's what it is then it strikes me as pretty aggressive. I do NOT think that women have a responsibility to cater for other people's responses to their dress - but therapy is a particularly special & sensitive workplace, where it's just basic courtesy and common sense not to be distracting or provocative. Sounds like she's serving her own needs first here, and not her clients'.

Having said that, I always think it's a good rule of thumb to air any difficulties out loud and see how a therapist responds - that would probably give you a good read on what she's thinking. Might give you a chance to resolve the problem OR to find out whether she's wasting your time.

You know what Jones. I am going to address the issue next time she comes in wearing one. What do I have to lose at this point! It just boils down to professional behavior. I am so careful about what I wear to work. I wear tank tops under my tops so when I bend over clients don't get a clear shot. I always dress appropriately. It shows respect for my clients. I think she needs to learn some respect. My mom was my sexual abuser and with the transference it is so confusing to have sexual feelings and thoughts triggered off for your therapist who I have put in my mind as a maternal figure even though she demonstrates no behaviors that are in any way representative of being even remotely maternal. I think I have a valid point here that is not just stemming from my own issues.

Yeah, I think you do too, GG. And good on you for taking on addressing this. I'm really sorry about your mum. That makes it all the more important to make sure you have a safe place to go in therapy, and at the moment this doesn't feel safe, it feels confusing and yuck for you. So that means it's a bit like the past repeating itself. You don't deserve that and shouldn't have to face it every week, especially not when you're working hard to try to heal. No wonder therapy's putting you in turmoil each week.

It is like re experiencing trauma every week. My therapists unavailability, lack of compassion and empathy,lack of unconditional positive regard all throw me right back into the emotional responses and thought processes I had with my mom. It is very painful for me to come to terms with the fact that my chance of being "mothered" is long gone. I have to learn to be my own my mother. I feel like I am being emotionally abused in therapy. I feel like I am being ignored and discounted. It is beyond time to move on, but I am so scared. I have not even dealt with the feelings regarding my mothers death. I am not sure how I feel. The only thing I do know is that I was not there for my mother the last year of her life and I feel like if I let go of my therapist I am letting go of my mom and I am not sure how I am going to handle that emotionally. It is all so complicated. Am I ready to let go of false hope that I will be loved and cared about, that I will be heard, that I am important. False hope, no matter how painful is better than no hope at all.

Hi ghost girl, Jones has expressed some very valid points I’m not able to add to. However I can relate to your experiences of having to witness inappropriate dress by your counselor.

My ex C has long legs and I could understand her accentuating them; my response to that was good for you. Until, one day she got up from her seat to collect a small side table from the next room; when I noted she was wearing just black tights and a blouse that barely covered her bum, like she was half-dressed my first thoughts were gawd does she wear this with male clients? I was quite gob-smacked when she bought the table by me and I could see her arse, It didn’t feel right I wondered what the f*~k that was all about. Ex C knew about my problems with erotic transference towards her so I could only guess she was ‘teasing/testing’ me (she’s probably in her late 40’s early 50’s!). I go on the theory that if the clothes one wears is decent enough to be worn in public then it has to be okay in the office. There had been a few incidences where I felt I was being tested by her. I am so pleased that relationship is over (after two years and done hurtfully and abruptly). When ex C told me we have an impasse and the counseling is stopping I immediately physically felt and visually saw the child in me give a big sigh of relief.


New T is so real and 100% different she believes transference is natural and what therapists are there for as well as manage their own counter transference she didn’t shy away from it and because of this I no longer have the mega-fear factor and feel confident to move forward. I am not sure if my story was of any use but I am suggesting you consider getting another professionals opinion on your dilemma and see what comes from it; I wish I had followed-up this route almost a year ago. Good luck

Thank You Chezza,

I am seeing another therapist this Tuesday. I think that my current therapist knows exactly what she is doing and what emotions it triggers and it infuriates and saddens me that she will not discuss this stuff with me. If you are gonna open a can of worms you better have a lid!

It is wonderful to have a nice body and want to show it off but there are appropriate and inappropriate places to do that. Short mini skirts with a flash of undies is NOT appropriate in a therapeutic environment. It just is not. It is not ok to test people and not be there to process the results.

Hi ghost girl, it’s good to hear you’re seeing another therapist and get his/her views on your experience. It’s frightening the power therapists have and how so bloody easy it is to abuse such power. I can truly understand a T feeling uncomfortable with Transference but to respond in the way yours did to you is disgusting, she sounds quite arrogant to me, not quite the person we want to tell our deep secrets to eh?

I sure would love a nice body or even an acceptable one; whilst ex C’s legs went up to her arse, my arse comes down to my legs Boohoo . What the hell is a woman of her age doing wearing short miniskirts and flashing her undies to anyone, let alone a client in session, it beggars belief!

Good luck on Tuesday, I hope some sense can be made of your experiences.

Thank You Chezza for getting a chuckle out of me. I know 56 in a mini skirt. I quit wearing those in my late 20s.