Show over for today thanks for all the help
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Hi Cat... I had a very similar situation last fall with my T and I felt the same way as you do. I also look at the time a lot because I don't want to be late and because I want every single second of my time. My T had been going 50 minutes with me and at times 55 if things were rough and then suddenly 3 out of 4 times he was very late for me and then kept my session to the time we usually end. The first time this happened I ended up with a total 35 minute session and I left him in a very activated state and was dissociated for most of the remainder of that day. The next two times he was 15 minutes late. What freaked me out and really really upset me was that he always ran late with the same client. It left me wondering why she was more important than I was and why she got SO much extra time when in recent weeks my sessions ended on time while I was a sobbing mess. I felt like my T didn't want to see me at all and was looking for reasons to spend as little time with me as possible and that I was a burden to him and that I didn't belong and she was probably a well liked long term client so of course he would shorten MY time because I was nobody.
It finally got so bad and then he outright cancelled a session where I had planned to talk about this ... t hat I had a complete meltdown on the phone with him. He called me back two hours later and UN-cancelled my session but moved me to a later time in the day. I wrote out what was going on and how it all made me feel and I read it to him when I went to see him. I was really scared but it went well. He apologized, said I was absolutely correct and justified in bringing it to his attention and that it had nothing to do with me. I told him I worked hard at understanding that sometimes a client may be in a bad way at end of session and may need a few minutes to regulate themselves and be ready to leave... but it happened THREE times with the same patient. I asked him how he would feel if he was on the other side of the room (my side)... how would he feel if his T did that?
End of story...he must have moved her because until two weeks ago I never saw her again (this was in September). He also never ran more than 5 minutes late for me after that.
So it worked out well for me on many levels. I would encourage you to talk to your T about this. It's important. Write something out if you are too nervous to remember what to say. I hope she is responsive and that this gets worked out for you so you can stop feeling so anxious before and in session. This is really adversely impacting your therapy.
Hugs
TN
It finally got so bad and then he outright cancelled a session where I had planned to talk about this ... t hat I had a complete meltdown on the phone with him. He called me back two hours later and UN-cancelled my session but moved me to a later time in the day. I wrote out what was going on and how it all made me feel and I read it to him when I went to see him. I was really scared but it went well. He apologized, said I was absolutely correct and justified in bringing it to his attention and that it had nothing to do with me. I told him I worked hard at understanding that sometimes a client may be in a bad way at end of session and may need a few minutes to regulate themselves and be ready to leave... but it happened THREE times with the same patient. I asked him how he would feel if he was on the other side of the room (my side)... how would he feel if his T did that?
End of story...he must have moved her because until two weeks ago I never saw her again (this was in September). He also never ran more than 5 minutes late for me after that.
So it worked out well for me on many levels. I would encourage you to talk to your T about this. It's important. Write something out if you are too nervous to remember what to say. I hope she is responsive and that this gets worked out for you so you can stop feeling so anxious before and in session. This is really adversely impacting your therapy.
Hugs
TN
Cat,
I can see why this would be unsettling. I think any change in routine can increase anxiety (or at least for me). I think if a T is running late they still owe it to the client that they were late for to go the full time. However, it sounds like technically she is still within her time range. I have had mixed experience with my old T shortening sessions. Mine would talk about doing it and I would tell her that I need her to manage the time and then she would proceed to go long again. I'm glad you plan to bring it to her attention though I imagine that might be hard to do.
My new T tends to run late nearly every time I've been there. In fact, I think every time. I've started to wonder if she schedules overlap to allow for clients who might always be late, but she probably just runs late. Our sessions have been between 50-60 minutes though I think once it was about 62. The only reason I am timing them is my paranoia about me being responsible for the time due to issues with my last T. NewT doesn't have a clock where I can see it so I don't know where I'm at in the session. I need to set some sort of ten minute warning bell or something, but since we never start on time that may be hard to do ahead of time.
Sorry that was long. Long story short, yes I've had T suddenly shorten sessions and it can feel personal even if it isn't. I hope you are able to get to the bottom of the issue with your T. The anxiety over time can really get in the way of doing what you need to do.
I can see why this would be unsettling. I think any change in routine can increase anxiety (or at least for me). I think if a T is running late they still owe it to the client that they were late for to go the full time. However, it sounds like technically she is still within her time range. I have had mixed experience with my old T shortening sessions. Mine would talk about doing it and I would tell her that I need her to manage the time and then she would proceed to go long again. I'm glad you plan to bring it to her attention though I imagine that might be hard to do.
My new T tends to run late nearly every time I've been there. In fact, I think every time. I've started to wonder if she schedules overlap to allow for clients who might always be late, but she probably just runs late. Our sessions have been between 50-60 minutes though I think once it was about 62. The only reason I am timing them is my paranoia about me being responsible for the time due to issues with my last T. NewT doesn't have a clock where I can see it so I don't know where I'm at in the session. I need to set some sort of ten minute warning bell or something, but since we never start on time that may be hard to do ahead of time.
Sorry that was long. Long story short, yes I've had T suddenly shorten sessions and it can feel personal even if it isn't. I hope you are able to get to the bottom of the issue with your T. The anxiety over time can really get in the way of doing what you need to do.
My T is usually late about by 5 minutes which doesn't seem like a lot, but if I'm on time I think they should be more or less also. Last session she was really late and I let her have it. I am an angry person at this point in my life. I told her I was tired of being run over by everybody in my life and this felt like that too. I am always the one to end the session because I want to get the hell out of there. I also know somebody is up next and I know how they will feel if she is late for them.
I would let her know, but my approach is not something to be emulated. I guess you could say in that instant I lacked tact, but I think she got the message.
I would let her know, but my approach is not something to be emulated. I guess you could say in that instant I lacked tact, but I think she got the message.
Thank you guys so much for the quick replies; this morning I've been in overwhelm about this. I did leave my T a message so we can talk about it next session; by the time I'm posting about it I know it's bad.
With my T she sees a variety of different people before me and has been absolutely consistent in running over time with them. She starts her day about 5-10 minutes behind and then running pretty consistently back to back with clients I've never had a problem once I adjusted to her being late. I've brought up her lateness bugging me but we still have always since the very begining done the same legnth of time
My T is JUST late so I plan my time accordingly and it's always worked out, it's her, I can't change her; I wish she was ontime but I rather consistency and being always late by about the same time was/is okay wih me.
TN:
I do remember you going through this with your T! And that it was always the same person. I'm really glad when your T cancelled you told him right away! I'm tempted, now that I left a message to just cancel my session especially because I admitted to stop watching them but I really felt I was insane that either T changed her clocks (because her clocks are set 6 minutes slow - another thing I've mentioned but adjusted to after 2 years) or somehow my phone, ipod and watch were not pulling the right time, etc. I literally felt insane. There was a session about 3 weeks ago I almost missed because I completely dissociated before it and barely made it on time I looked at my watch and all of a sudden it was my start time and I wasn't at my Ts office. So I know it has had an effect on me outside of just the anxiety... sort of on an unconscious level.
I'm so glad your T gives you your time and that it worked out. My T is generally receptive to talking about things but I feel like now that we've gone so short for so long there is no hope of getting my "longer" appointments back. I know she goes over with most of her clients because I know what time she gets in (sometimes I have the first session) and know how she's been with me in the past. If she was changing everyone then I'd be starting earlier.
She changed my start time for this coming Monday and 2 of my Wednesday appointments this month are changed to Friday which is causing me to spin out a bit because I'm already clock watching and being paranoid... which I sort of thing is why I was up all night and having so much anxiety. Sorry this was such a long reply. I felt your words very reassuring... thank you so much.
Butterfly:
I feel like I kind of do this too. Or at least I know when my T will start her winding down questions with me. So I make sure to be done with what I'm talking about. Sometimes I think we end early because I'm so worried I talk very fast and then freeze because I don't know what's going to happen. I've really wanted to do art with my T but it takes a while to set up and take down (about 10 minutes of an already short time) what we need to do that I get relatively little time to do anything. I've wanted to paint with her but just been avoiding it. I might have to book a longer session to do that or just not do it.
Yes on this too; that's why I feel like I'm stuck at 45 minutes forever now because my T is paced and stuck there. She's very habitual so I know once she's gotten this paced on an automatic level there is little chance of it changing.
About 6 weeks ago when this started I did complain about her being a little late and then since then I've felt a little punished but my T isn't the punishing type. I wonder if she was just trying to make sure I got out on time and thinking that it was more important for me to end earlier than it was to get my full time with her. I really do think it is well intentioned and purposeful but... I won't know until I talk to her I guess
Thank you so much for the support.
STRM:
I remember your inconsistency with your alst T (grr). It is really difficult for me to change routines too. My T hasn't talked about that it is/isn't my job to keep time, but ironically on Monday she mentioned that as part of containing my left brain there is structure so that we can work on the confusing emotional stuff and she said we always meet same place, same time, same length of time... and then that just made me feel crazy again that nothing had changed or she hasn't noticed.
I know my T schedules one after another but she almost never takes 10 minutes between sessions (Again because she runs over for people/comes in a little late). I did tell her once that her immediately coming in the room with me was tough so she'd be gone for about 3 minutes so I wonder if she counts that in my time now evne though she didn't before. Again, I'd rather adjust to her just begining right away (and sometimes she legitimately needs to go to the restroom before my session) than adjust to less time. A lot of my problem is she hasn't talked to me about it especially if she initiated it on purpose maybe she was hoping it would be natural. I didn't feel like it went gradually. I had a very short session and then thought okay that was just short because we were done then... when all the time the paranoia started.
I really hope she's not mad that I've been stopwatching them it was really only out of my pure confusion about whether I was confused or not somehow.
Yes, it has made me start/share faster which while good I guess can really make me even more anxious and I get more self defeating if I feel like I didn't accomplish "enough". Thanks for your gentle words.
Becca:
I think it's good to use anger to set boundaries and get what you need - that's what the emotion is for. I'm sorry you're going through a really angry period in your life right now.
Have you noticed a change or I guess.. since it was last session will you update if you've seen a difference? Thanks for your supporT!
COL:
My T is very consistent and VERY much on time and aware of time. Even if we started late it would be we'd be done in a certain amount of time always now it's always a different way. For a couple sessions we started late before I noticed this happening she'd say we're starting late but you'll still get all of your time. So... I do feel like I'm being punished for her lateness, for her running over time for all of her other clients because she's trying to do something that she thinks is nice for me (to get out early so I do not miss my bus home). I wish she'd talked to me first or asked what I wanted instead of assuming my venting meant I was passive aggressively asking for change. I try to be direct if I actually do want an adjustment.
My insurance pays a part and she charges for a 45-50 minute session so it's not like I'm not getting what I pay for or what she intends it's just that it used to be in excess of 50 or AT LEAST 50 (so in her higher range) now we've ended one session as early as 42/43 minutes which is about 10-15 minutes less than normal which... it's hard not to feel. I'm glad you've experienced a lot of consistency from your T - it really does make a difference because even little shifts can upset us overtly and subconsciously.
Thanks again everyone
With my T she sees a variety of different people before me and has been absolutely consistent in running over time with them. She starts her day about 5-10 minutes behind and then running pretty consistently back to back with clients I've never had a problem once I adjusted to her being late. I've brought up her lateness bugging me but we still have always since the very begining done the same legnth of time
My T is JUST late so I plan my time accordingly and it's always worked out, it's her, I can't change her; I wish she was ontime but I rather consistency and being always late by about the same time was/is okay wih me. TN:
I do remember you going through this with your T! And that it was always the same person. I'm really glad when your T cancelled you told him right away! I'm tempted, now that I left a message to just cancel my session especially because I admitted to stop watching them but I really felt I was insane that either T changed her clocks (because her clocks are set 6 minutes slow - another thing I've mentioned but adjusted to after 2 years) or somehow my phone, ipod and watch were not pulling the right time, etc. I literally felt insane. There was a session about 3 weeks ago I almost missed because I completely dissociated before it and barely made it on time I looked at my watch and all of a sudden it was my start time and I wasn't at my Ts office. So I know it has had an effect on me outside of just the anxiety... sort of on an unconscious level.
I'm so glad your T gives you your time and that it worked out. My T is generally receptive to talking about things but I feel like now that we've gone so short for so long there is no hope of getting my "longer" appointments back. I know she goes over with most of her clients because I know what time she gets in (sometimes I have the first session) and know how she's been with me in the past. If she was changing everyone then I'd be starting earlier.
She changed my start time for this coming Monday and 2 of my Wednesday appointments this month are changed to Friday which is causing me to spin out a bit because I'm already clock watching and being paranoid... which I sort of thing is why I was up all night and having so much anxiety. Sorry this was such a long reply. I felt your words very reassuring... thank you so much.
Butterfly:
quote:I too am very conscious of time and will always watch the clock in my sessions and will usually be the one to end the session when the time is up.
I feel like I kind of do this too. Or at least I know when my T will start her winding down questions with me. So I make sure to be done with what I'm talking about. Sometimes I think we end early because I'm so worried I talk very fast and then freeze because I don't know what's going to happen. I've really wanted to do art with my T but it takes a while to set up and take down (about 10 minutes of an already short time) what we need to do that I get relatively little time to do anything. I've wanted to paint with her but just been avoiding it. I might have to book a longer session to do that or just not do it.
quote:
I wonder if your T has gotten herself into a pattern and doesn't realise the affect it is having
Yes on this too; that's why I feel like I'm stuck at 45 minutes forever now because my T is paced and stuck there. She's very habitual so I know once she's gotten this paced on an automatic level there is little chance of it changing.
About 6 weeks ago when this started I did complain about her being a little late and then since then I've felt a little punished but my T isn't the punishing type. I wonder if she was just trying to make sure I got out on time and thinking that it was more important for me to end earlier than it was to get my full time with her. I really do think it is well intentioned and purposeful but... I won't know until I talk to her I guess
Thank you so much for the support.
STRM:
I remember your inconsistency with your alst T (grr). It is really difficult for me to change routines too. My T hasn't talked about that it is/isn't my job to keep time, but ironically on Monday she mentioned that as part of containing my left brain there is structure so that we can work on the confusing emotional stuff and she said we always meet same place, same time, same length of time... and then that just made me feel crazy again that nothing had changed or she hasn't noticed.
quote:
My new T tends to run late nearly every time I've been there. In fact, I think every time. I've started to wonder if she schedules overlap to allow for clients who might always be late, but she probably just runs late.
I know my T schedules one after another but she almost never takes 10 minutes between sessions (Again because she runs over for people/comes in a little late). I did tell her once that her immediately coming in the room with me was tough so she'd be gone for about 3 minutes so I wonder if she counts that in my time now evne though she didn't before. Again, I'd rather adjust to her just begining right away (and sometimes she legitimately needs to go to the restroom before my session) than adjust to less time. A lot of my problem is she hasn't talked to me about it especially if she initiated it on purpose maybe she was hoping it would be natural. I didn't feel like it went gradually. I had a very short session and then thought okay that was just short because we were done then... when all the time the paranoia started.
I really hope she's not mad that I've been stopwatching them it was really only out of my pure confusion about whether I was confused or not somehow.
quote:
anxiety over time can really get in the way of doing what you need to do.
Yes, it has made me start/share faster which while good I guess can really make me even more anxious and I get more self defeating if I feel like I didn't accomplish "enough". Thanks for your gentle words.
Becca:
quote:
Last session she was really late and I let her have it.
I think it's good to use anger to set boundaries and get what you need - that's what the emotion is for. I'm sorry you're going through a really angry period in your life right now.
Have you noticed a change or I guess.. since it was last session will you update if you've seen a difference? Thanks for your supporT!
COL:
quote:I love that my T is so anal about time. She picks me up right on the bottom of the hour and we are done fifty minutes later and I leave.
My T is very consistent and VERY much on time and aware of time. Even if we started late it would be we'd be done in a certain amount of time always now it's always a different way. For a couple sessions we started late before I noticed this happening she'd say we're starting late but you'll still get all of your time. So... I do feel like I'm being punished for her lateness, for her running over time for all of her other clients because she's trying to do something that she thinks is nice for me (to get out early so I do not miss my bus home). I wish she'd talked to me first or asked what I wanted instead of assuming my venting meant I was passive aggressively asking for change. I try to be direct if I actually do want an adjustment.
quote:I would bring it up especially if you are paying out of pocket or it isnt being made up to you.
My insurance pays a part and she charges for a 45-50 minute session so it's not like I'm not getting what I pay for or what she intends it's just that it used to be in excess of 50 or AT LEAST 50 (so in her higher range) now we've ended one session as early as 42/43 minutes which is about 10-15 minutes less than normal which... it's hard not to feel. I'm glad you've experienced a lot of consistency from your T - it really does make a difference because even little shifts can upset us overtly and subconsciously.
Thanks again everyone
I think it is very hard to have T change anything without discussing it with you. Currently my sessions run for 58-62 minutes (I can be precise because I record them). My T charges me for an hour but never defined how long his hour was. At the beginning (when I didn't record) my sessions were around 55 minutes. Then they started being 50-51 minutes. I wasn't opening up much and it bothered me but we were spending a lot of time in silence with me looking at the floor or the walls. Now they are longer. I never discussed them because I'm too chicken to draw attention to the fact they are longer in case he starts stopping earlier.
I hope that talking with her about it goes well and report back so those of us who don't have the guts to ask our T find out
I hope that talking with her about it goes well and report back so those of us who don't have the guts to ask our T find out
quote:A lot of my problem is she hasn't talked to me about it especially if she initiated it on purpose maybe she was hoping it would be natural. I didn't feel like it went gradually.
Cat,
I can see why this might be where the real issue is. My old T did this to me too and it felt like she was trying to sneak something in and that it wasn't important enough to her to discuss it with me first. It wasn't about the time issue, but something else. It did make me wonder if I was imagining things or reading into things, but when I finally inquired I was correct. I think any change should be discussed but perhaps that is unreasonable of me. I'm not talking about minor things, but changes in technique, time, place etc. should be discussed ahead of time IMHO.
Cat, hi.
I hope you feel comfortable talking to your T about this.
I'm just wondering if she doesn't "notice" the change, herself. I mean, maybe it is for a reason not related to you, but for anonther reason, so she didn't even think to talk to you about it.
hugs
I hope you feel comfortable talking to your T about this.
I'm just wondering if she doesn't "notice" the change, herself. I mean, maybe it is for a reason not related to you, but for anonther reason, so she didn't even think to talk to you about it.
hugs
Incognito:
Yes! I feel you on not wanting to bring it up because I'm worried she'll be even "worse" about it. What hurts is that I don't think we can come back from here; I think I'll be too concerned about the time (and I mean it's NOT much time but out of a limited therapy "hour" it is and it has been an adjustment for me). I think now that we've got this routine we're just stuck here. And I don't know how to feel comfortable if we ever exceed 45 minutes because I feel like I will just be too anxious and angry for that entire time. I can feel really being stubborn about this even though I don't want to be It's really disrupting my sense of stability with her because I am so sensitive to change sigh. The worst situation is already here so it's not liek talking to her will get me even LESS time at least I know that much.
STRM:
I really agree with you. And it's not like I want to debate, but I do want to be heard and express how angry/frustrated and unfair I think it is just because I do know so well that she regularly runs over/to the max with everyone (we still start the same late time so I know it's not changed for everyone) it feels like being punished for her doing those things. I'd at least like a voice in that. Right now I'm extremely bitter. I can't even conceive of something that she could say that wouldn't make me fly off the handle. I am feeling so angry right now I want to just call her and tell her off but I really need to discuss and find out if she's seeing the same thing I am.
Ninn:
Yea, I do feel comfortable I already left her a voicemail. I'm feeling REALLY angry now that I've had time to stew on this so I don't even know if I can show up on Monday or if I'll call her back and scream at her she's on vacation anyway so it doesn't matter she won't get my messages until Monday morning.
I think this could be very true, however, regardless of the reason it is impacting my sessions and my time so I do think that a warning or discussion should have been initiated by her. Whether the reason is clinical, or unrelated, etc.
Yes! I feel you on not wanting to bring it up because I'm worried she'll be even "worse" about it. What hurts is that I don't think we can come back from here; I think I'll be too concerned about the time (and I mean it's NOT much time but out of a limited therapy "hour" it is and it has been an adjustment for me). I think now that we've got this routine we're just stuck here. And I don't know how to feel comfortable if we ever exceed 45 minutes because I feel like I will just be too anxious and angry for that entire time. I can feel really being stubborn about this even though I don't want to be
It's really disrupting my sense of stability with her because I am so sensitive to change sigh. The worst situation is already here so it's not liek talking to her will get me even LESS time at least I know that much.STRM:
I really agree with you. And it's not like I want to debate, but I do want to be heard and express how angry/frustrated and unfair I think it is just because I do know so well that she regularly runs over/to the max with everyone (we still start the same late time so I know it's not changed for everyone) it feels like being punished for her doing those things. I'd at least like a voice in that. Right now I'm extremely bitter. I can't even conceive of something that she could say that wouldn't make me fly off the handle. I am feeling so angry right now I want to just call her and tell her off but I really need to discuss and find out if she's seeing the same thing I am.
Ninn:
Yea, I do feel comfortable I already left her a voicemail. I'm feeling REALLY angry now that I've had time to stew on this so I don't even know if I can show up on Monday or if I'll call her back and scream at her she's on vacation anyway so it doesn't matter she won't get my messages until Monday morning.
quote:maybe it is for a reason not related to you, but for anonther reason, so she didn't even think to talk to you about it.
I think this could be very true, however, regardless of the reason it is impacting my sessions and my time so I do think that a warning or discussion should have been initiated by her. Whether the reason is clinical, or unrelated, etc.
Thanks miss Dragonfly 
Cat, I'm sorry for your angst over this. I'm glad you could come here and share. I will be thinking of you tomorrow; it will help since I no longer have Monday sessions. I've had that I don't want to go feeling...I will be looking for an update tomorrow if you're up to sharing again.
Thanks for the support, Ninn it helps ((hug))
Update: It was a very difficult, unproductive discussion that left me really triggered and confused.
Oh Cat, I'm so sorry!!!
I'm sending like 15 of these your way!!!
It sounds like she was being so defensive and more about HER than you!!
I really hope you can get in with T2 soon - have you heard back yet?
She may disagree with me, but I think she needs to step back, go over that session in her head, and apologize. And work to repair the damage and hurt she has caused.
I'm so sorry - you were trying, and you certainly didn't deserve the way you were treated.
Warm hugs,
Starry
I'm sending like 15 of these your way!!!
It sounds like she was being so defensive and more about HER than you!!
I really hope you can get in with T2 soon - have you heard back yet?
She may disagree with me, but I think she needs to step back, go over that session in her head, and apologize. And work to repair the damage and hurt she has caused.
I'm so sorry - you were trying, and you certainly didn't deserve the way you were treated.
Warm hugs,
Starry
((((Cat))))For what it's worth, I think T could have found a better way of expressing how she really felt without emphasizing her assessment of your misinterpretation/projection. Knowing how deeply you look at your own stuff, maybe what you needed was to have the anger accepted and waited in together (i.e. see that it doesn't destroy the connection) rather than worry about whether or not it was disproportionate to the offense? I can see it happening once, but it seems like even seeing that the way she was communicating was causing misunderstandings, she didn't make an attempt to communicate in a way that reduced those messages.
I have left a session like that a number of times, just pushing myself out. In my case, the best thing to do is usually to address it with T as soon as possible (we do it via text), but your T seems to have a tendency toward defensive or "this is your issue, not mine" responses from what I've ready in the past, so I could see how that would be scary to risk.
Just sending lots of (((hugs))) and thoughts your way. Keep reaching out here if it helps and take it easy on yourself. You were honest, owned your own part of it, and kept sharing really scary feelings as they came up even when it felt unsafe to do so. That is an amazing accomplishment, something I really struggle with doing.
CAT
I am typing from my ohone bexause my computer is officially dead. So this will be short Just wanted to empathise I know how hard it is and how much it hurts when someone refuses to see something from your point of view. It feels so invalidating. And painful. And horrible. It sucks.
lets look at this objectively. She did change the time on you. You know that for a fact and you keep good track of time. So you have to trust that she did it You don't really know if it was an across the board change or if it was only with you. But it happened.
what if the change only had to do with you? What would that mean? And how would you interpret that?
Anger is usually a coverup for other emotions. Maybe that is what she was trying Ti get you Ti look at. Look past the anger.
You probably know all that but was just trying Ti be helpful. She may have been a bit blunt and unyielding. But do you still trust her? Can you go back to her and try to work it out?
What if she said yes i shortened all my sessions because I've been running over with everyone?
And then said, but sorry you will have to deal with it. Because I am not changing anything
Or what if she said, I shortened the sessions only with you because x, y or z.
Even if she owned up to why she is it would it make a difference?
Does it just come down to that you want the 55 minutes back? And if so, can you just ask for it? Say I really appreciated the 55 minutes and I feel a bit slighted that you shortened our seasons?
Hope you are feeling better
Liese
I am typing from my ohone bexause my computer is officially dead. So this will be short Just wanted to empathise I know how hard it is and how much it hurts when someone refuses to see something from your point of view. It feels so invalidating. And painful. And horrible. It sucks.
lets look at this objectively. She did change the time on you. You know that for a fact and you keep good track of time. So you have to trust that she did it You don't really know if it was an across the board change or if it was only with you. But it happened.
what if the change only had to do with you? What would that mean? And how would you interpret that?
Anger is usually a coverup for other emotions. Maybe that is what she was trying Ti get you Ti look at. Look past the anger.
You probably know all that but was just trying Ti be helpful. She may have been a bit blunt and unyielding. But do you still trust her? Can you go back to her and try to work it out?
What if she said yes i shortened all my sessions because I've been running over with everyone?
And then said, but sorry you will have to deal with it. Because I am not changing anything
Or what if she said, I shortened the sessions only with you because x, y or z.
Even if she owned up to why she is it would it make a difference?
Does it just come down to that you want the 55 minutes back? And if so, can you just ask for it? Say I really appreciated the 55 minutes and I feel a bit slighted that you shortened our seasons?
Hope you are feeling better
Liese
Cat, I am so sorry you have had this ghastly session with T. Sending you big as I have no supportive words right now. I am emotionally void and brain empty after my session but sending you hugs.
as I have no supportive words right now. I am emotionally void and brain empty after my session but sending you hugs.
Cat,
I'm so sorry, too. I hope you can see or talk to your other T to help you get through this pain.
What Yaku said.
Hang in there.
Quell
I'm so sorry, too. I hope you can see or talk to your other T to help you get through this pain.
What Yaku said.
quote:You were honest, owned your own part of it, and kept sharing really scary feelings as they came up even when it felt unsafe to do so. That is an amazing accomplishment
Hang in there.
Quell
Thanks guys.
I've had a hard day today, I ended up in the ER after an emergency at work.
I was only admitted for 6hrs and after some stuff done and tested I'm feeling better enough to be home to sleep.
((starrynights)) thank you for the hugs. I did hear back from T2, she has no appointments free. I did email her, and that helped. Well, sort of... I feel humiliated I email her, I didn't want to. I don't think I can see either of my Ts next week on account of shame. And I'm just so exhausted I can barely see straight.She doesn't think she's caused any damage or hurt, it's all on me and I'm sure somehow it is... so I'm just going to move on. She did call me last night to check in... which sent me into a panic attack. It was nice of her... I just couldn't even do that right. I called her today after an emergency after work to tell her I had to talk to her because the emotional stress (again not her fault I've been in emotional overwhelm for weeks) is what I think caused the issue especially after I got all my tests back. I told her I just wanted to talk to her to see if I should break for a few months or what she'd recommend because clearly the stress was beyond what I could manage. Then I was told I had to go to the ER because of what happened to me. I was there for 6hrs - I got admitted basically the second I walked in. Ugh. Anyway, thank you for the hugs.
((yaku)) hi, thank you for your words. It is hard to leave session on such a bad note, I'm sorry you've done that also. My T is trying to be supportive, like I said she called last night, called this morning even after I asked her not to because I was at the hospital - she asked for an update so I called her with that... I just... I need a break. I really do think she could have communicated better. But... this is usually what she does in ruptures and whenever we get in to one I do bring a lot of baggage from past ruptures, and expectations from my parents there but her being so harsh was what made it very difficult. I just have to suck it up and move on like nothing happened. I don't want to discuss it with her again.
((Liese)) It's hard to type from a phone, my iPhone makes me sound like I have the grammar prowess of a 5 year old sometimes! After I talked to her about it, it sounds like it may be sort of an across the board change, or it may just be the day I see her. She was defensive and said well she's busy so she's being careful to cut off at x time and then also said "well this is what you get, I'm late, you know that". Which... I do know that. I was just frustrated about my time and her not discussing it. She has always owned up to her lateness but I felt was not allowing me to express my frustration there especially because it has impacted me in the psat (missing my bus) and is not impacting me with my sessions. It's not a matter of 45 minutes or 55 minutes as it is a matter of respect. I accept she shows up late because she is SO consistent with it and her consistency is paramount to me but when she changes other things and doesn't let me know it's dysregulating and I have every right to discuss that with her - I wasn't asking for a change but to be heard and to ask MY time be respected by her letting me know.
I don't think anger is a cover up for another emotion at all. Both my Ts get CRAZY EXCITED over any anger. So actually she wasn't trying to get me to look PAST my anger but rather look IN to it, explore it, express it. She even asked what we could do for me to express my anger more/better. When she asked what the function of anger outward was I said so it's not anger inward (and she assumed my anger was about much more than it was - and it usually is because I bring baggage as in... I assume before we even get started that she's just going to be a useless which doesn't really help me with communicating with her because I'd rather she not be there anyway) she got excited and said exactly! Then added "I will take that any day, all day long - bring it on - I don't want you to be angry at yourself, you need to learn how to feel angry and it's OKAY to be angry...". When I'm frustrated with T2 and start to feel shame about that she'll say "Is it okay just to be frustrated/angry and we can experience that we're still in relationship and we're still okay but you're just angry and that's okay". So... anyway you'd think it was CHRISTMAS for my T's when I get angry at someone/something/ANYTHING besides myself. It's frightening.
((SD)) Thank you, bad sessions suck. Sorry you aren't feeling well either.
((Quell)) Yea I hope I can see or talk to T2 also. I don't think I can see T1 on Friday so I'm going to cancel. I don't think she'll call me back to night even though I wanted to work some stuff out with her.. it's just not going to happen. She said on the phone today while I was half out of it in the back of the ER in a bed hooked up to 100 things that all we have to do is love each other through this and we'll be okay. It's not that I don't love her... I just can't deal with the stress. I'm so stressed because of many things right now and the emotional toll this has taken was just finally too much. Thanks so much for your sweet words and for quoting what yaku said, what she said was very, very sweet and I'm thankful for you both (for everyone)
It's hard to keep this up here, with so many views because I feel like a circus act, so I'm going to delete stuff soon, please delete any replies you may not be comfortable having up. I'll probably do this later in the evening after I'm conscious enough to copy my stuff over like I usually do. I'm barely conscious right now and need to sleep even after 2 IV bags.
I've had a hard day today, I ended up in the ER after an emergency at work.
I was only admitted for 6hrs and after some stuff done and tested I'm feeling better enough to be home to sleep.
((starrynights)) thank you for the hugs. I did hear back from T2, she has no appointments free. I did email her, and that helped. Well, sort of... I feel humiliated I email her, I didn't want to. I don't think I can see either of my Ts next week on account of shame. And I'm just so exhausted I can barely see straight.She doesn't think she's caused any damage or hurt, it's all on me and I'm sure somehow it is... so I'm just going to move on. She did call me last night to check in... which sent me into a panic attack. It was nice of her... I just couldn't even do that right. I called her today after an emergency after work to tell her I had to talk to her because the emotional stress (again not her fault I've been in emotional overwhelm for weeks) is what I think caused the issue especially after I got all my tests back. I told her I just wanted to talk to her to see if I should break for a few months or what she'd recommend because clearly the stress was beyond what I could manage. Then I was told I had to go to the ER because of what happened to me. I was there for 6hrs - I got admitted basically the second I walked in. Ugh. Anyway, thank you for the hugs.
((yaku)) hi, thank you for your words. It is hard to leave session on such a bad note, I'm sorry you've done that also. My T is trying to be supportive, like I said she called last night, called this morning even after I asked her not to because I was at the hospital - she asked for an update so I called her with that... I just... I need a break. I really do think she could have communicated better. But... this is usually what she does in ruptures and whenever we get in to one I do bring a lot of baggage from past ruptures, and expectations from my parents there but her being so harsh was what made it very difficult. I just have to suck it up and move on like nothing happened. I don't want to discuss it with her again.
((Liese)) It's hard to type from a phone, my iPhone makes me sound like I have the grammar prowess of a 5 year old sometimes! After I talked to her about it, it sounds like it may be sort of an across the board change, or it may just be the day I see her. She was defensive and said well she's busy so she's being careful to cut off at x time and then also said "well this is what you get, I'm late, you know that". Which... I do know that. I was just frustrated about my time and her not discussing it. She has always owned up to her lateness but I felt was not allowing me to express my frustration there especially because it has impacted me in the psat (missing my bus) and is not impacting me with my sessions. It's not a matter of 45 minutes or 55 minutes as it is a matter of respect. I accept she shows up late because she is SO consistent with it and her consistency is paramount to me but when she changes other things and doesn't let me know it's dysregulating and I have every right to discuss that with her - I wasn't asking for a change but to be heard and to ask MY time be respected by her letting me know.
I don't think anger is a cover up for another emotion at all. Both my Ts get CRAZY EXCITED over any anger. So actually she wasn't trying to get me to look PAST my anger but rather look IN to it, explore it, express it. She even asked what we could do for me to express my anger more/better. When she asked what the function of anger outward was I said so it's not anger inward (and she assumed my anger was about much more than it was - and it usually is because I bring baggage as in... I assume before we even get started that she's just going to be a useless which doesn't really help me with communicating with her because I'd rather she not be there anyway) she got excited and said exactly! Then added "I will take that any day, all day long - bring it on - I don't want you to be angry at yourself, you need to learn how to feel angry and it's OKAY to be angry...". When I'm frustrated with T2 and start to feel shame about that she'll say "Is it okay just to be frustrated/angry and we can experience that we're still in relationship and we're still okay but you're just angry and that's okay". So... anyway you'd think it was CHRISTMAS for my T's when I get angry at someone/something/ANYTHING besides myself. It's frightening.
((SD)) Thank you, bad sessions suck. Sorry you aren't feeling well either.
((Quell)) Yea I hope I can see or talk to T2 also. I don't think I can see T1 on Friday so I'm going to cancel. I don't think she'll call me back to night even though I wanted to work some stuff out with her.. it's just not going to happen. She said on the phone today while I was half out of it in the back of the ER in a bed hooked up to 100 things that all we have to do is love each other through this and we'll be okay. It's not that I don't love her... I just can't deal with the stress. I'm so stressed because of many things right now and the emotional toll this has taken was just finally too much. Thanks so much for your sweet words and for quoting what yaku said, what she said was very, very sweet and I'm thankful for you both (for everyone)
It's hard to keep this up here, with so many views because I feel like a circus act, so I'm going to delete stuff soon, please delete any replies you may not be comfortable having up. I'll probably do this later in the evening after I'm conscious enough to copy my stuff over like I usually do. I'm barely conscious right now and need to sleep even after 2 IV bags.
quote:It's hard to keep this up here, with so many views because I feel like a circus act, so I'm going to delete stuff soon, please delete any replies you may not be comfortable having up
IMHO
you need not be ashamed of anything you post - you write of your experiences, which are real! We are all here learning from each other and sharing together. I don't know where I would be emotionally right now without the things you, Cat, and others have said to me at times. I understand wanting to edit and delete, (I usually edit out more than what I post!) but I just want you to know that far from being a circus act, you are a source of strength and support and compassion.Hugs to you,
and praying you're feeling better,
Starry
((starry)) thank you.