Oh this is so awful -- you have WAY TOO MUCH on your plate even for a person not facing any of the *special* challenges we face every day.

Hate that you're going through this.

(*crawling around attic, blowing cobwebs out of my face*: Where the hell did I put that time machine?)

Yaku...you really do have so much to deal with just now and worrying about therapy on top of that is really painful. I know. I would hope that your exception goes through. Why do you say it does not look hopeful? If they say no, then take it to a higher level. Don't give up. I would also hope that your T will not cut you off and offer you a reduced rate or some free sessions. Maybe you will see him less often but he will still be there for you. I know how hard this can be. I am fortunate that my current T is in my plan but I'm having an awful time finding a male child T to see my son who is in my plan and where I don't have to drive an hour to see them. I work until 5:30 and having to drive an hour each way is too much for a kid who needs to eat, do homework and be in bed by 8:30. That if I could even get an evening appointment. I truly hate insurance companies.

I'm so sorry to hear about your condo. I wish I could do something to make them work out a deal with you. I have NO idea why the banks would rather own a lot of properties (it is a bother for them) rather than allow the owners work out a viable payment plan. Even with both of us working it is getting more difficult to pay the bills, and especially the high taxes on our home. I try not to think about it as it scares me. With my job on shaky ground we would definitely not be able to pay the bills if I lost it. Over the past 10 years we have lost so much earning power and the rich and the corporations just get richer while the middle class and working class just struggles and falls further behind. I know this is not providing an answer for you and I'm sorry.

My advice would be to just take one thing at a time and look at your options. Try not to jump to conclusions and try to be aware that it's just a trauma survivor catastrophizing. This is something I do often and am trying to be mindful of it. I realize your family is of no help and even just makes things worse. But maybe there is some other help out there you just haven't found yet. Is there any other options out there to get help with your mortgage? Can you find a part time job (not sure if you are still doing the daycare)?

I realize that with the dissociation it's really hard for you to focus on things and I may be asking too much of you under these conditions. It also becomes harder to find work or organize life in general. I have experienced this since my T abandoned me. I used to be super efficient and capable and now I dissociate and struggle to do anything when the depression gets bad.

I don't have any time machine or I'd be using it too, believe me. I'd go back and redo the last session with oldT and smack him in the head! But I can send you a lot of hugs and support. I'm so sorry that you are directly suffering from this sucky economy.

(((((Yaku)))))

TN

((((YAKU)))))

You have so much stress right now in your life. It would be too much for anyone to handle. It's no wonder you can't keep your feelings straight. Is there any way you can cancel the trip or at least not visit or dad or change the arrangements so that you feel safer?

((((((HUGS))))))

Liese

((((((Yaku))))))

I know that feeling of being numb on the outside and feeling complete chaos inside. I'm so sorry...it's an awful feeling, being trapped in between feeling and not feeling. Sometimes I have to force myself to do it because it doesn't feel worth it, but journaling at times like that helps me a little bit. I just let things come out raw...granted, it's not a huge relief, but it's *something*. Doing something physical helps me sometimes, too, like going for a walk or a jog or cleaning, etc.

It's okay that you're tired and it's okay that you can't keep your feelings straight. When I've told my T similar things, and I say them like I'm not allowed to not be put together, she'll just say that it's okay to not be okay, and I want to say the same thing to you.

You can stay in touch with T while you're away, right?

(((hemlock))) Thanks for the support and for braving the attic and cobwebs to look for the time machine! That made me smile.

(((TN))) I am probably just jumping to conclusions about my SCA, but when I called them to check on it, the case manager said, "You WERE told that if we find ANYONE else in the area in network who can treat you, it will be denied, right?" There are four Ts that list dissociative disorders in my area: one MD/Pdoc who replied one sentence to my first email and ignored the second, a clinical psychologist who never answered my voicemail, a MA MFT who sent me demon literature and stuff about an integration prayer, and a CBT counselor who I didn't bother to call, because her list of specialties didn't look like a good fit. So, if they deny me, I definitely plan on fighting it, especially because I don't want to be driving out of county. T said they called him Friday and he called back, but there was no answer. He said he would call back again and let me know what they said, except he never followed up with me. So, he probably just failed to get a hold of them, but I'm anxious he's holding back, because it's bad news. I texted I was anxious that it wasn't going to go through and he didn't say, "Oh, I heard" or "I didn't hear," so I'm still anxious. Oh well. I'm so sorry it's so problematic to get your son the help he needs. That's really not fair. I am angry at OldT all over again for blowing that as well.

Yeah, I have no idea why the bank rejected the mod, considering THEY walked us through the whole process of applying to this program. We will call tomorrow and see if it was a mistake or we can appeal. Crossing my fingers. It's funny, because I am swinging back and forth between catastrophizing as you said (like, randomly started crying thinking that the home my daughter was born into might be gone) and feeling like, "Whatever, as long as our family is together." I think it is a lot easier for me to be "whatever" than my H, both because he had to move SO much as a kid and because my dissociation tools. Also, I grew up in the same neighborhood practically all my life and that didn't provide me the stability I needed to be OK, so I don't put much stalk in his statement that us moving means Boo is unstable. He's taking it hard, though, in a really "F--- God for letting me down" sort of way, which is hard for me to see, because he has always been really strong in just trusting no matter the circumstances. I guess he reached his tolerance for $#!++4 circumstances this last couple of years...and I can't really blame him. I am still doing childcare right now, but I lost a lot of hours this year (one of the other bad things that has happened). I am trying to add more, but I feel kind of obligated to tell prospective employers about my dissociation stuff and not take jobs that involve driving kids much, so that has kind of put a dent in that. I have applied for a few part and full-time jobs, but childcare/preschool for Boo is about $900 for 1/2-time and $1600 for full-time in our area. We don't qualify for help with that, because H makes "too much." So far, no interest on the job front, but I am still pursuing that. I do have a part-time position filling in for my friend while she is on maternity leave in November, but it is maybe on month of work and too far out to help when we need it. As of September 1, we will owe almost $9K (three months mortgage and escrow, plus late fees/penalties) to get caught up and avoid foreclosure proceedings. I also have to break it to the HOA board that they need to find a new secretary (no one has volunteered, so I got pressed into the job this year), because it's not right for someone in foreclosure to be on the board IMHO.

The thing that burns the most about all of this is that we put a remodel into this place right before the recession, because we planned on staying here a while. We cashed out my retirement when I lost my job. We sold my H's old company stock. We took a loan from his 401K to keep up-to-date with the payments. Then we maxed out our existing credit card waiting for the mod to come through (which we finally had to stop doing and use missing mortgage payments to get back down). It feels like we trashed all these assets to try to keep the place, but it just doesn't matter.

Most of all, TN, just thanks for the hugs and support. I really appreciate it, especially knowing it's a hard week for you!!! If I ever locate a time machine, I will let you know.

(((Liese))) Thanks for the sympathy. I am actually handling it much better than I think I have any right to. Parts work has been good for me in that way that I can be very aware of where my intense reactions are coming from and wait through them better than I was before. So, if there's a way to stay with my T, I feel like therapy is really starting to make a difference. I guess I just never imagined I had SO far to go when I started, that it has looked like I plunged into some sort of bottomless pit of dysfunction. The truth was that dysfunction was always there, but I just managed to be blissfully unaware of it before. I have to try to remember that good things are happening too in this journey. I can't really cancel the trip. I tried to look up hotels near both fathers places, but considering our financial situation, I feel unjustified spending $500 (cheapest I could find for the week) when we have free rooms in their homes. It will be OK. I keep hearing that internally, at least. If it gets said enough times, I start to believe it.

(((kashley))) Thanks for the reminder to journal. That is something I could try and will probably have time for during my trip if the grandparents want time with Boo. That's a great idea. I know you can relate to what I'm saying here and appreciate the perspective from you (and your T). I HOPE I can stay in touch with T, but I don't remember if my phone gets signal up at my father-in-law's house, so it may just be that I can email him and we'll have to talk about everything the next Tuesday. I am REALLY hoping my phone works, so I can take a walk out by a stream or something and have a nice conversation with him for my phone session on Friday.

Update: We just barely make too much money for the program. They will mod us to save $250 a month (not really enough unless SCA goes through) and eat our July and August payments IF we sign paperwork and send them $2550 we don't have within ten days (eight of which we will be out of town for). So, now in search for a loan...to pay our mortgage. We asked if they can wait until 9/1, but the manager in charge of that decision is out of the office until tomorrow, when we are out of town. So, still in limbo here. Trying not to stress out too much...

I'm praying for you Yaku!

I hope that the manager will at least think about what this means, and be accepting to help out someone who needs it.

HUGS!

(((BI))) Thanks for the well-wishes.

Update # 2: HMO told T that it was going to be declined, because there is another T in the area who does dissociative disorders (and a Christian counselor). They said she, so it's almost certainly the one who sent me the demon...err...deliverance literature. T (nicely) argued back about why he feels it's really important I am not forced to switch. He didn't say what he said, but I'm guessing related to my stability or attachment or something like that. T said they said it needed to be escalated to a doctor (which he was previously told it would be anyway), so we're still waiting to hear. I told T maybe don't tell H, since H is so stressed, feeling abandoned by God already. H came back saying that T said the insurance stuff was looking positive (not direct quote, but that's the sense H got) and that T was checking voicemail when H walked in (right after I left), so maybe he got some more positive news since then? I don't know. Crossing my fingers. It was a pretty rough session, one of those where I was paralyzed with an inner tug-a-war. I wonder how much of that right now is about not getting any closer when I might lose him. So tired right now. Hopefully, the psychiatrist goes well tomorrow, because I need a break!

Yaku... you certainly do need a break and I am glad to hear that your T is fighting for you. I hope you will have good news soon.

I am sure you are feeling so conflicted about moving closer and then heaven forbid have to give up your T. I hope that never happens.

Thanks for keeping us updated. I have been thinking of you.

TN

Yaku,
Thoughts for you today as you see the psychiatrist. Be strong ((yaku)))

(((TN))) (((starfishy)))

It went OK. I didn't hate her. She isn't super-duper, let's med her up. I did present as my most functional me, though, so even though I told her I can get really destabilized, it didn't seem to sink in with her. She wants to see me again in two weeks ("two points make a line") and I can bring Boo if I can't find childcare, although I don't like to bring Boo when I know things might destabilize me. I basically numbed out and gave her my background. She kept treating me with kit gloves, saying not to worry that she didn't have impulse control like others in my past. It actually annoyed me, though I know it was a good thing that she is careful with me as a potential "trauma victim." She used those words...I don't like them.

When I was describing my DID stuff, which we only got into a little, she said a few things that felt invalidating...especially the stuff about how functional I am. I just want her to call my T, as I presented that way to him at first too, because it wasn't safe to be broken yet. I held back a lot of that stuff, because I didn't want to feel like I had something to prove. I just wanted her to know in case she triggers me. Anyway, overall, I'm as comfortable as I can be with any woman, as long as I stay on intellectual level.

I feel like I kept downplaying everything, because I wasn't safe enough yet to tell her how things are or be too direct about parts stuff. I feel like a liar right now for that. I really hope she calls T and talks to him (I gave her the release and his business card), so she can get the whole picture.

Anyway, off for my wonderful family trip. I should have (limited) internet access up there, but in case I'm not around, love to you all! (((hugs)))