So, H has a business trip to the UK 6/4-6/18. The dates have been set, his flights purchased. We can't go with (anyone want to give me $2000?). He just had a three week trip to France in October and it was...just bad...for me, in a lot of ways, having started therapy the month before. All these heavy worries are starting to hit me. Despite our problems and a lot of work that needs to be done in our relationship, H really is my best friend, the guy I can usually be 100% open with about how I'm doing on the inside. I've worked hard since October to build up my network of real life support (pastor and his wife, our friends who lived with us, closer to T, etc.), but I'm worried.

-I was so upset that I dissociated when driving and hit our storage locker when parking our truck during his last trip. It was a "minor" accident...the storage locker was barely scratched. But, due to the height of the truck and the locker, I did $8,000 worth of damage to the truck. Ugh. My only other car accident was ever was also during a Europe trip.

-Last trip, I had myself bawling for days, because Boo wanting her Daddy reminded me of how I thought I was going to have to take her away from H after the incident with his condition. I was a total wreck.

-I will have to muck around with Boo's schedule to get to therapy.

-My oldest sister will probably try to "invade" my space to "help" while he is out of town, but I will be too emotional to want her around, since her life is in such chaos that I just end up taking care of her most of the time.

-I actually do really need/want the alone time to just do things that are for me, but being all on my own with my toddler and watching other peoples' kids is going to be REALLY draining.

-There has never been a business trip where I don't have either dreams or paranoid thoughts of H's plane crashing and losing him entirely.

-H struggles with a certain computer addiction (has been good lately) that tends to happen a lot when he is traveling.

-It's also a temptation for him to meet up with internet friends, which worries me if he's all alone for multiple reasons.

-Last time H traveled, I had some pretty bad ideation stuff going on.


I'm getting really stressed out about this trip and about not having a T who I can have an in-person emergency appointment with if I need it, since he only works in my area two days a week. Anyway, putting this stuff out here now and hoping I can find a way to work through it in the next four weeks and be in a better place when H leaves.