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19 replies

Letter to my "Little Girl"

chronicallytransferredchronicallytransferredMember
Hey all. Sorry I haven't been responding much these last few days. I've been pretty involved in my own stuff and doing a lot of writing. I wanted to let you all know I'm still around, mostly just reading for now. I'm with you while you struggle, supporting you, but I don't have many words to reach out with right now.

I did want to share something that I have written though. I've been doing a lot of work on trying to not be so mean and judgemental to my "little girl" (inner child). So I decided to write her a letter:

(Let me set the scene a little here... my little girl is about 5 years old or so, and has been locked in a closet in me for quite sometime with duct tape over her mouth to keep her quiet. Lately, her only companion has been Grief, because they both get sad a lot)


Knock knock knock…

(no answer)…

KNOCK KNOCK

Who is it? (muffled by duct tape over mouth)

It’s me.

What do you want? (still muffled)

Can I come in?

Uh, you’re the one with the keys (again, still muffled)

Oh, yeah… (unlocks 2 deadbolts, 3 padlocks, 6 chains, turns on light and gently removes duct tape from child’s mouth)… you okay?

(Opens mouth really wide and rubs duct tape residue on face) What’s going on?

I want you to come out and talk to me.

…(no answer)…

Will you please come out and talk to me?

…can I pee first? I’ve been holding it for a while… and I could use a snack…

Sure, sure, the bladder is down over there to the right, and the stomach, well you’ll pass it on the way to the bathroom. Grab whatever you like… (waiting)…

(returns, still chewing, talking with mouth full…) so, why are you being nice to me all the sudden?

Well, we need to talk about a few things.

Uh-oh… what’d I do? I was in the closet the whole time! I promise! Ask Grief, he was there with me, being all sad and stuff…

I know, I know… shhh, it’s okay, you didn’t do anything wrong.

…(waiting for shoe to drop)…

Just listen for a minute. I want to tell you a few things and then you will have a chance to respond… (clears throat)
• I’m sorry I locked you in the closet for so long.
• I promise I will never use duct tape on you again.
• And I promise I won’t lock you in a dark closet all by yourself again either.
• Even though I said you were stupid, I really don’t think you are; I just get frustrated because your memories make me really sad and I don’t know how to keep us safe and be sad at the same time.
• I don’t really want to get rid of you. Honestly, I’ve never told anyone this before, but I kinda like you. You’re really silly and I think you’re kinda funny. I want to help you grow up so you can be a more functional part of me and we can work together.
• I’m trying to be brave, but I have to be honest with you. I’m scared of what’s going to happen these next few months. I can’t guarantee that I will always be nice and respectful toward you- I will probably make a few mistakes. But I want you to know that I am working very hard to try and take care of us better than mom did.

She sure did a pretty crappy job raising us…

Yes, she sure did. Hang on though, I’m almost finished…
• I want you to know that I’m sorry I’ve spent such a long time ignoring you, but I’m here now, and I’m going to try and listen to you. There will be times that you have to let me take care of things, like at work, but just because I have to be in charge for a while, it doesn’t meant that I am going to forget about you. While I’m at work and school, I want you to find a comfortable place where you can rest and enjoy the view. You can pick any spot you’d like and decorate however you want to. Just make sure you have plenty of blankets and pillows and plenty of stuff to do. If you need any help, or any ideas, just let me know, okay?

…(no response)…

Okay?

…(slight, distant rustling)…

Hello?

Hey, I could use a hand over here… this box is heavy…Man, look at this stuff. I sure could use a new blanket… and a few new pillows… and a coloring book with some crayons… oooooo and a TV. Can I have a TV?
Original Post

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janejaneMember
CT:
What an awesome post! So inspirational for me. My T suggested I do this awhile back. And I did for awhile. I never really knew if I was doing it right, but those inner children can really write, can't they? It was very therapeutic. Sounds like you are doing some really good work for yourself. That's good. Keep it up!!
chronicallytransferredchronicallytransferredMember
AJB: Thanks! Yes, they sure can write! It feels strange to encourage it, but I'm trying to react with something other than SHUT UP. You know? I'm glad you liked it.

SD: Thank you. I feel kinda strange about it... kinda unsure if I will be able to keep up my adult part of the bargain. I feel like she was much safer in the closet, and I'm scared of what she's gonna have to say if I keep letting her talk. Plus, I really feel like she doesn't deserve to feel good, so I still struggle with the fact that I need to be nice to her.

We'll see where it goes.

Robin: I'm glad you liked it!

Thanks for reading everyone!

-CT
Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
CT,
I loved the letter!! What I really loved was the way little you came busting out of that closet and set up house. My little girl was the part of me that went away and took the memories with her so the rest of me could live. She gave up her life and locked herself away in a prison so I could go on. So it really felt like if she emerged bringing those memories back with her I was going to die. It took a really long time and a lot of coaxing and her being able to peer out of the door at my therapist and decide if she was willing to believe my T and I that she was really safe now and we wanted her to come out.

Seeing you come out so switftly really speaks of your drive towards health and living fully. Thanks so much for posting that.

AG
russrussMember
CT,

I think the letter, which is really a discussion, is brilliant. Really brilliant.

I'm curious to know how you (and other folks here of course) experience your inner child. Is it a feeling, a vague sense, a memory? Or maybe a real, palpable part of you? I'm sure it's hard to describe.

When I look at photos of myself as a child - or read my old letters from camp - it's makes me terribly sad. At this point, I guess this is how I experience mine; looking back, and just feeling sad.

Anyway, the letter is a really wonderful act of loving yourself. Great work.

Russ
janejaneMember
"My little girl was the part of me that went away and took the memories with her so the rest of me could live. She gave up her life and locked herself away in a prison so I could go on"-AG

I am glad you were able to finally face her and the painful memories she held for you. I'm sure it isn't easy. I am wondering:I cannot remember very much at all about my past:childhood or adolescence or early adulthood. I guess that sounds strange, but it is true. I mean, no amnesia or anything, just no real specific memories. All just seems very vague and cloudy. Any ideas about that? My T says I have built up so many walls. I knew that. I wonder if he'll help me pull them down. Maybe then I can remember???
chronicallytransferredchronicallytransferredMember
AG-
quote:
What I really loved was the way little you came busting out of that closet and set up house.


Big Grin
She's a pretty forgiving, resilient little thing. Plus, she's been waiting to come out for a while! She trusts me, my T and a few other people in my life (and feels safe), it's just that I don't know how to protect her without keeping her in the closet!

quote:
My little girl was the part of me that went away and took the memories with her so the rest of me could live. She gave up her life and locked herself away in a prison so I could go on. So it really felt like if she emerged bringing those memories back with her I was going to die.


I think it's so interesting that your girl decided to lock herself away so you could go on. She seems very protective but I am glad she feels safe now. My experience has been almost the opposite (yet with a similar result). I locked my little girl away in order to keep her safe. It's kinda like I uprooted her and stuck her in a panic room so that no one could hurt her anymore. She's not mad at me for locking her up because she knows it wasn't safe back then, but she doesn't understand why she couldn't have come out a little sooner. She really likes my T and has known it's been safe for a while now, but I'm not too sure I can take care of her if she is out in the open. I'm feeling very vulnerable these days and am doing a LOT of writing. I'm trying not to be judgemental of the things my little girl says and feels. But when I get angry and take it out on myself, I am also finding that I am scaring myself now too, which feels really weird. Having this little girl out and respecting her place in me means that I have to be more responsible with her- I can't belittle meself and tell myself how worthless I am without her feeling it. It's kinda like she interrupts me when I start with those negative thoughts and says, "ummm... you're supposed to set a good example for me..." I just feel like a lot of things are going to have to change but I don't know how to be respectful to myself, be safe and express my feelings.

Russ-
As for how I experience her, it does often come in waves of intense, penetrating sadness. And a sense of longing and envy of others. But it does require me to be in touch with what I am longing for and what I am envious of. It's weird, and definitely hard to explain, but I feel more raw when I am in touch with her. I am more sensitive and insecure but open too. I also notice a change in my writing... like which perspective it comes from and my tone. I hope that helps explain it.

-CT
M mlcMember
I admire all of you and your work with your inner childeren...I am so stuck, I feel so much rage whenever I think of taking care of my inner child that it prevents me from doing so...I'm not sure what it is all about except that I feel like I'm being teased or fooled. I do not want to do anything nice for her--I want someone else too...anyone feel this way?mlc
mayomayoMember
Hi CT
I love the letter. I used to try and contact "the little Girl" but I have not done so in quite a while. She is aloof and secrettive and hard to reach. She is usually off in the distance- peering over her shoulder at me. My T says that I need to forgive her. I blame myself for the hurtful things that happened to me. Logically I can see they were out of my control, but on the gut level- I may still hae work to do. Your writing has inspired me to try again.
chronicallytransferredchronicallytransferredMember
Wow, I just saw that there was more on this post... I must have missed it!

iam- thanks! I'm glad you liked it!

helle- I'm glad you liked it as well, but even more, I'm glad that it has encouraged you to do more work with your little girl. Smiler I agree with your t- she really does need to be forgiven. I've found, for me, that the hardest thing about forgiveness is admitting that I didn't have the power to make all of those bad things happen, even if I'd tried to. I grew up thinking I was in control of EVERYTHING, so it was a big kick in the teeth when I found out that I wasn't... that I actually was a little, innocent child who was hurt and taken advantage of.

Keep working, your little girl needs to be cared for.

-CT
mayomayoMember
quote:
I grew up thinking I was in control of EVERYTHING, so it was a big kick in the teeth when I found out that I wasn't... that I actually was a little, innocent child who was hurt and taken advantage of.
This was me too!
Wow CT much of your experience with the little girl is so close to mine, but my little girl won't talk to me. Your description to Russ about what it feels like when you are in touch with her resonates with me so well. I feel that sadness too. Sometimes she is like a little cheerleader- jumping up and down as if to say- "pick me! pick me!" She once said that she has a secret- but I don't know what it is.
I am taking a break from my wonderful, I'm in love with him, T because I wasn't getting anywhere. If she will talk- say something- then I can do the work. I don't know the reasons for her silence. I will try again, though. thanks for the encouragement.
chronicallytransferredchronicallytransferredMember
Your little girl won't talk to you, huh. Will she listen? You may try just talking- in the internal dialogue sense. That's kinda how i started out, you know, just talking to her like I would an actual child. I'll say things like, it's okay to be sad, or i know, that hurts doesn't it? I try to talk to her in ways that I wasn't talked to i guess... validating and respecting her feelings.

Maybe your little girl doesn't want to be pressured into talking. You might even try what my t does with me- guessing what the problem is. I'll say "I need to tell you something but I don't want to talk about it!" And she'll go "can i guess?" and something about that makes me really excited, like she cares enough to put the energy into guessing. The other things she does is say "you don't have to tell me, but I'd really like to know."

For me, I was so used to everything being about everyone else that the kid inside me never trusts that something is about her. I always get this sense that she is saying "what do you REALLY want from me?", but the more I work with my t (and myself), the more the little girl in me realizes that she might actually be cared about just for being her. It's pretty amazing when I can actually say that I feel loved- wholly.

Smiler

-CT
imokimokMember
Hi CT

Wow! This is so beautifully written. And even though you wrote it almost one year ago for you, it feels like it was written for me - right here, right now.

I especially loved the following:

quote:
CT to Inner Child:
Just listen for a minute. I want to tell you a few things:

• Even though I said you were stupid, I really don’t think you are; I just get frustrated because your memories make me really sad and I don’t know how to keep us safe and be sad at the same time.

• I don’t really want to get rid of you. Honestly, I’ve never told anyone this before, but I kinda like you. You’re really silly and I think you’re kinda funny. I want to help you grow up so you can be a more functional part of me and we can work together.

• I’m trying to be brave, but I have to be honest with you. I’m scared of what’s going to happen these next few months. I can’t guarantee that I will always be nice and respectful toward you- I will probably make a few mistakes. But I want you to know that I am working very hard to try and take care of us better than mom did.

Little Girl / Inner Self: "She sure did a pretty crappy job raising us…"

CT: "Yes, she sure did. Hang on though, I’m almost finished…

• I want you to know that I’m sorry I’ve spent such a long time ignoring you, but I’m here now, and I’m going to try and listen to you.

• There will be times that you have to let me take care of things, like at work, but just because I have to be in charge for a while, it doesn’t meant that I am going to forget about you.

• While I’m at work and school, I want you to find a comfortable place where you can rest and enjoy the view. You can pick any spot you’d like and decorate however you want to. Just make sure you have plenty of blankets and pillows and plenty of stuff to do. Okay?


This is EXACTLY what my T wants me to do. She wants me to really start taking care of myself. And I almost want to after reading the above.

But then I get torn - like Russ' posts - between "yes, I'm ready to move on and take care of me in the hear & now as well asmy inner child from the past" and "stuff this, it wasn't my fault I had such a crappy childhood. Why should I have to step up once again and deal with this mess?" Sorry, hopefully most people here know by now that I'm throwing a lot of temper tantrums of late! Razzer (just getting in touch with my inner 2 year old)

CT, your writing has given me a great place to start.

Thanks again.
I'm OK
imokimokMember
PS - CT, I don't want to hijack your post but I also wanted to say that the reason my T wants me to take care of me - and my inner child - is because even though I am confused about if I was / wasn't abused as a child by my Dad, I still need to take care of myself in the here and now.

Which I think sucks b/c I just want my T to take care of me! Big Grin

Already, fantasy over & back to reality, I know my T is right - and I hate that she is right Mad - but I still don't believe - deep down - that I deserve to be treated kindly and nicely and lovingly. I want someone else (ie: my T) to take care of me and me only. I (ready for another temper tantrum?!) DON'T WANT to have to help myself.

My T has said that I may never truly know what happened with my dad & I, and I may never recover the blank period I have from the age of 4 - 8 (Uh-oh, I feel another temper tantrum coming on! Wink) but what IS important is that I manage my feelings & my hurts NOW in a positive nurturing way. I treat my feelings as if they are real - even if I don't have the evidence to do so (which is so hard as I am someone who likes to CONTROL things! Big Grin).

Right now, I hear with my left brain what my T is saying but the only way real change will occur is if I have the courage to try something new / experience something new with my right brain. And I'm scared. But my T says "scared" is good - it's here, it's now, it's real.

Take care
I'm OK
mayomayoMember
Hi CT, Hi I'm ok,
My T wanted to try EMDR with me- and we did try 2 times, but it scared me, or scared her- i am not sure. So we let that go. Does your therapist use that, I'm ok? It is to help you recover memories. Lacking trust in my self- I was afraid that I would laugh or make things up, or not be believed (which ties right into my sh*t)
I too was abused about age 4 to ?maybe 6or 7. Most of the memories are lost except for a few. And yes- forgiveness is a big part. Because I was so young, I did not even know that I was doing something wrong, as some of you can relate.
CT thank you for the suggestions. I will try that. REading your post makes me cry. My T also says that the little girl may have been tooo young- unable to speak about this stuff. The last time I contacted her, she was like a happy little tour guide revealing nice memories of wonderful things that happened in my neighborhood when I was very young. Is it possible that she does not want to go to the hurt places either? Then I think- do we even have to go there? Is this essencial to my recovery?
Things are welling up- so I have to stop. I have to exercise to get control of the anxiety and since it is snowing and schools are closed- I am heading for the slopes. See ya, and thanks.
CT- I think I can learn a few things from you.And AG if you are around your wisdom is always appreciated. Oh, the name Helle is is an effort for my T to reach the little girl.
Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
Hi Guys,
I understand the struggle with how much do you remember and how do you handle it. I've always gone by the belief that I only need to remember enough to deal with the feelings evoked by what happened. I don't think there's any virtue in remembering for remembering's sake. This is where the transference with my T proved to be so healing. I just kept going back and dealing with whatever got triggered by what happened in our relationship. Pursuing those feelings and trying to understand them sometimes (ok often) led to my remembering something. But the memory was a tool which I used to understand what happened to me and make sense of it. And be able to reject any lies I had learned.

There's a link to an article by John Briere (hatip to True North Smiler) who is trauma specialist whose life work is helping long term abuse victims to heal. This article does a better job of describing the healing process better than almost anything else I've ever read and deals directly with how you deal with the memories. I do want to warn you that it's highly technical and so might be difficult going if you haven't done a lot of reading on this stuff, but I'm hoping it would be helpful.

Treating Adult Survivors by John Briere

AG

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