((((BROKEN)))))

That sounds brutal. I am sorry that she put you off. Has she done something like this before? How long have you been seeing her? Have you considered finding a new T?

((((BI))))

What happened? What did T do that made you feel like you are nothing more than wednesday at 12?

(((BI))) I'm sorry. My T is sometimes too busy to get back to me, but to word it the way she did and basically warn you off contacting her in the meantime...that is horrible. Were those her exact words? Everytime my T has let me know he was too busy, it has always been with an apology that he didn't get my text until very late or didn't get a moment to respond until another time, because he didn't have any breaks. So, while I realize I can't always expect response and reassurance exactly when I need it, he has never said anything that caused me to feel like my reaching out was not welcome. It sounds like that's how your T has made you feel and that makes me really sad.

Thanks guys.

I have been seeing her for a few months now. What happened was we had a hard session-- she knows that I am attached to her. She tells me to call her if I need to. So, today after our session I had something big I wanted to tell her-- I saw it as a breakthrough. I had done something out of character and really wanted to share it with her and also get some reassurance that we were okay after the tough session. So, she calls back and leaves a message. She tells me that "I got your call and I'm too busy today to work through this with you-- so I have you on my calendar for next week--Wed at Noon!

I was furious. It just seemed to me like a big shove off. So, I wrote a note and took it to her office. Her asst. said she'd give it to her-- well, she must of gotten late this evening because she called and said on my voicemail "Got your letter. I will see you next Wednesday at Noon." That's it!!!!!! Seriously!!!

My heart is broken!!!

Wow, that doesn't sound very affirming. I can understand why you are feeling this way. I am sorry. Where do you want to go from here? Stick with her and work it out? look for a new T? What are your thoughts about this?

(((((BI)))))

It sounds like she doesn't want to do any processing with you in between sessions and she is drawing a line in the sand there. You weren't initially in distress although now you are. It's understandable that you would want to share your breakthrough with her. I can understand how it would feel like a rejection. It's just the boundaries of the relationship. Ask everyone here and we will all agree the boundaries suck and it hurts when we bump up against them. But at the end of the day, the boundaries are for our benefit and you will grow from this experience, even though it hurts. I understand feeling heartbroken.

((((((BI))))))

My T is really strong on boundaries - I can't expect out of session support (which is really, really hard for me). Your T has been very brutal with this - it would be really hard for me to recover if it happened to me. This is horrible. Especially since you had a breakthrough and wanted to share it with her. Thinking of you.

I'm so attached to her right now--I'm not sure what I want to do. A part of me wants to run-- but that other part wants to give her the benefit of a doubt and believe that she's really not being so cruel. I understand boundaries, but she did say to call if I needed. Funny- I was feeling great and then wam-- she knocks me down. Sometimes I wonder if she does these things to see my reaction. Or is it negative transference and I'm overreacting?

My opinion is firm, though. I do hate therapy!

I just wish I wasn't so attached because walking away would be easier that way.

I think Liese hit the nail on the head. T is setting firm boundaries. But I do think she is being unclear about saying you can call and then not wanting to do any processing.

I guess what I am hearing is that she IS available for processing between sessions IF she has the time/availability to actually speak with you and have a conversation.....but she is not willing to do processing via voicemails, emails, texts, etc.

And today...she didn't have the time for a conversation so it will have to wait. Unfortunately I think she is failing to realize that just because she isn't going to do any processing, she could have made the effort to say a little more, like, "I can't wait to talk more with you about this when we talk on Wednesday".

Maybe you can discuss this with her when you talk next week? Tell her what would have felt like a better response and see if that fits within her boundaries and if she is willing to do that in the future.

I agree with what LG is saying here. I think it's fine if Ts have boundaries about such things (in fact, early on in my transference/attachment, I was BEGGING for T to have a boundary against out of session contact...but he doesn't, as long as I know I cannot expect answers within a certain amount of time unless it's an emergency). Anyway, the problem is not necessarily that your T has a boundary, but that she has not been clear about them.

If you do want to stay with her, this would be a good opportunity to clarify what those boundaries are, what she expects of you regarding out of session contact and what she intends to do in response. These sort of ruptures are not unrepairable, but it takes work and time when T does something that feels like withdrawal or retreat (I have my own personal experience with that). For what it's worth, I do think most Ts do not want to process stuff outside of session. Even my T, who allows more outside contact than most, uses it as a way for me to feel safe/connected and occasional support/reassurance, but never to process anything. So, maybe that's something that needs to be clarified, why the double message and what the distinction between calling if needed and what you did is, from her perspective. Or perhaps the distinction is that you can call, but she didn't tell you what to expect?

I don't know, there could be a number of different reasons this happened, but at its core, she did not communicate with you in a clear, helpful or therapeutic way in my opinion. If what you were wanting to talk about was something that needed to wait for your next session, there could be several ways for her to communicate it to you that wouldn't have left you feeling so rejected. LG gave a good example. Another would be to say, "I'm so glad you checked in with me. Don't worry, everything is fine. I would really like to discuss ________ in your Wednesday session. Let's make that a part of the agenda." My T often says those sort of things, so I know that checking in is OK, but I can't expect to do "work" via text. Responses like that, even if they are frustrating, are not hurtful, I think...or not as much as the harsh response she seems to have given.

(((BI))) I'm sorry you're hurting. I hope your T and you can work out what the boundaries are to avoid future misunderstandings and that she apologizes for the confusion and hurt her communication has caused.

I'm sitting here today reeling. I feel like I might have overreacted a little, but then at the same time I feel like my feelings were valid. I don't like making someone upset, so since I think I made my T mad, I am feeling a little remorseful about about writing that letter.

Last night I had the WORST headache ever. I also felt so overwhelmed that my head was swimming in thoughts or something. Does anyone else ever get completely fuzzy headed when they are overwhelmed?

T hasn't made contact and I don't think she will.

I know the boundaries have been set--so I don't even want to make contact right now. I feel that she's been unfair to me still...maybe I did overreact, but still some of this is unfair. She hasn't been clear on WHEN I can call, or WHAT I can call about.

There's also been a question on my mind about dissociation. I am wondering if I do that sometimes. There's this side of me that says "screw it all," you don't need them. I turn up the music really loud and feel independent and strong...even though I know I am hurting. In those moments I feel I can take on the world. THEN, I have these instances when I feel like the whole world is against me...and that I am going to be abandoned. I think that's the child within me. I also have a WILD side that likes to drink, live it up, and go a little crazy. I don't forget anything in relation to when I am in one of those moods so I don't know if disassociation would even be what you call it. That fuzzy head feeling comes on during those times too...

Any advice would be great?

Also, thanks to all for your support and kindness. I have been struggling and it's nice to have you all here when I feel like T up and leaves me hanging.

I'm giving T another try, but after this...I might need to move on to someone new.

***

I'm sorry about the headaches and fuzziness. I think a lot of people on here get it...or at least, when I started getting such things, I was told it was common, as is a certain degree of dissociation (which can be a useful, but also overused, coping tool).

I'm sorry your T wasn't supportive during your panic attack. It sounds like she has sent really mixed messages or maybe she didn't think through what her boundaries should be ahead of time and has suddenly decided she took on too much. One thing I'd like you to hang onto is that her boundaries are about her and what she feels capable of offering and not about you. There are some Ts who do a lot of support between sessions and some who don't. Maybe she is learning from experience that she needs to be one who doesn't. It makes me angry when Ts do that sort of withdrawal though. They're human, but I think it's on them to think through the things that they offer and clarify them, so they don't have to make sudden changes which will often panic a client, especially clients with trauma or attachment injuries. When my T withdrew (at the time we had been sitting on the floor and he said, "I shouldn't have done that," and stopped, although it has resumed now that we are doing parts work), it threw me into a complete meltdown for a few weeks...but he took responsibility for how his withdrawal affected me and we were able to work through it in time. Even though what he was doing at the time was assessing boundaries, due to my obvious over-activation, I guess he felt he should have considered how his reaction would affect me. Anyway, I don't have much advice to give you on whether or how to work through this, because I don't know much about the style of therapy you're in or your background. I hope you can hang in here, though, and express this anger and confusion to your T in your next session. In the meantime, thinking of you and sending lots of (((hugs))).

Hi brokenillusions, I can really relate to the pain you're feeling, it sucks, I hope you're feeling better this week.