I found something kinda special today, going through one of my old psychology books I had stored away. It was folded up and used as a bookmark, and I'd truthfully forgotten all about it. It was an assignment my current 'new T' had given me to do years ago when we worked together the first time. Reading it was a bit surreal, as it was a 'letter to myself from the future.'

She'd asked me back then to imagine what myself years from now would write to myself at the time. It was one of the most difficult assignments I completed, among many. And I'd like to share it, just in case it might inspire anyone to try the same project sometime, or I don't know... maybe you might find a useful thought somewhere in it. (even though I'm feeling a bit embarrassed about it, but I'm trying to push myself to be more open lately) So here goes what I wrote back then (it's about 5 years old)


I am writing you from a good place. The things around you are not necessarily good, nor the people, nor the circumstances you find yourself in. Not all the time anyway. But whether they are or not doesn't matter so much anymore. You are ok. You are calm, and you no longer look to your surroundings in hopes it will make you happy. You did not get here all at one time. It was not something that just happened, it took consistent effort. It took relentless patience. Sometimes tears, struggles, anxiety, frustration. But all your efforts will be well worth it.

You were taught a language throughout your early years of life. A language of self blame, negativity, pessimism. You were taught that tomorrow would never be better, your best is never good enough, and worry is the only way to solve problems. But despite everything you were taught, part of you always had a desire to learn a new language. One of acceptance, optimism, confidence. You slowly learned a few words at a time, until you could speak sentences, then converse with others who spoke the same language- of hope. You will still be adding to your new "vocabulary" for years to come.

You also had to learn to look at your life from an entirely new perspective, that of an outsider looking in, to gain a more balanced view of yourself and your decisions. You had to work hard to develop a new confidence in yourself. A key factor in doing so was realizing that to be confident, you need not be perfect. There are plenty of confident people in the world, but there are zero perfect people. So what are they confident about? Their ability to accept themselves and their decisions, right or wrong. They can be wrong about something but still feel worthy, capable, lovable. You can do the same.

You also stopped living each day in the mindset of "what can I change and improve about myself today so I'll finally be good enough?" While change and improvement are good, in fact vital to your progress, you had to change your motives. You learned to instead say, "I accept myself exactly as I am today, I enjoy my own company. If I make improvements, great. But I will do so because I want the best for myself, not because I am trying to become good enough."

You had to learn to drastically change your thought patterns in regards to needing others 'approval'. This was crucial because you were willing to go to the most extreme measures to feel validation from outside sources. The reality is, not everyone is always going to accept you, and if they make that decision, there is nothing you can do to change them. You had to let go of the desire to change their opinions.

But most importantly, you realized that for those who don't accept you and love you just as you are, no matter who they are, they don't deserve for you to waste another moment of time or energy on them. Not when you have other people who do love you, support you and want to be in your life. Your true friends are the ones who deserve that time and energy, they are the ones who see your worth, and eventually... you will see it too.