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Letters to my T. Give it or NOT?

frogfrogMember
Hello again, dear unknown friends! Smiler
I have a pretty big and frustrating dilemma right now. Here`s my story...

In about a week I will see my t again. There`s been over a month since I was there, because he has been away on holiday. Prior to the last appointment we had, he encouraged me to write a diary until we met again. (6 weeks of diary- writing)Every day I have been writing, to try and write down all the impressions and all sorts of problems and fears I have felt on. I guess I deleted the text a hundred times because it has become so large quantities, so now I sit back with three fairly long letter here in front of me, addressed to him..

. The problem is that I begin to fear - and regret. I feel like dont wanting to give them to him. Like its all dumb and uninterestning.. -everything I've written. On the one hand I do not know if he meant what he said, when he said he would read my letters after the holidays? (Maybe he just did one of those nice guestour that he will regret?!)The letters is very personal, I write quite honestly that I miss him - (and for me is to say that, at least write it, something very very vulnerable and embarrassing. Yeah- I know it sounds like i`m 6 years old. In therapy i am.Smiler and in large letters I write to him: "You have forgotten me-it feels like you've forgotten me! Frowner These things I have never said to him before... I have the world's finest, warmest, wisest therapist - (and irretating!) and I know deep down that he will not be repelled by those words, but still ..ah.

I'm ANGRY at him because he has been away so long, angry at him because he knows that I love him and (yes, i have told him that I am in love with him. It is a different story, one very very long story !) and angry at him for reasons i dont even know.. ah. I dont know why, i`m just angry and i cant seem to find the reason for it.. An he doesnt` have a clue..I guess..

this all must all sound like a terrible cliché. Frowner (Sometimes I wonder if he does think of me in more then a therapeutic loving-father-mother-way,.. The transference I have for him, most force some kind of erotic counter- transference in him as well? NB: My T is a very well- known psychiatrist and written many books about this topics. He is so F*** intellectual!)

Anyway: And just because I'm so mad at him, Mad it feels ridiculous to admit that I miss him. CONFLICT! Confused It would in a way suited me better, to punish him in any way. Like, not showing up for the session, or at least, dont give him all the (love) letters.. Tell him that enough is enough. Ah .. This makes no sense, does it? I am ashamed over beeing so terrible childish.

OK: I'm too angry and proud (?) at him to give him three letters, since they are so full of love / loss, and "I need you" – statements, and yet I feel like wanting him to read every word… The letters are, after all, ment for him to read.. Should I just throw them away? Pretend that I never written them to him?
But if I troops up there in the office and says, "Yes, I have written a diary / letters to you, but I will not give them to you" because you do not deserve my love! It's pathetic! seriously, I do not know what to do!!!!! And what am I doing, if he does not want - or can stand, to read it all? I'll be disappointed if he does not read it all .. So .. should, should not? That is the question.

Sorry if all the legality was just confusing. Ans sorry my english sucks a bit..
I'll be VERY grateful for the response. Anything.
I'm still quite fresh here so it feels a bit like roll out my soul here now ..

Thank you for having read all this, it feels good to put words on this. And tough.
All good wishes for you all Smiler
Last edited {1}
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J janedoeMember
I can really relate about sahring such feelings about your T - it feels so vulnerable to share that kind of stuff. My pride and I duke it out all the time...

I'm not expert on how to handle therapy well (by any means) but maybe you don't have to jump in all the way - what if you brought the letters in to a session and shared part of one? like just got your toe wet, and see how he responds and see if it's helpful for you?

I can say that it is very ok to have the feelings that you are. It's ok to feel really needy, even if you can't tell him, at least please know your feelings are quite common! which I relaize that doesn't make it much easier knowing it's common... and if your T is really good, he would know that too and probably not be super surprised...

I dunno - others will likely have better feedback and input!

But so glad you are here and welcome to the forum!

~jd
frogfrogMember
JANEDOE!
thank you. In a way,(intellectually) I know it is all common.(I learned that from all the reding of posters in here! Lovely!) It`s good that you remind me about that. My T also said that, but still, He`s the old-school type, and makes me do the talking part Wink
It sounds like a good idea. I liked the council - perhaps it's the best idea .. provide a letter at a time? take it with me there, instead of sending all three in the mail? Now I got a lot to think about. But one thing is certain: I will not read anything from letters aloud!
The dream scenario(in imagination at least) he has read everything before I get there, sitting in his chair and smiling his smile, thanking me for letters and shows me clearly that he has not offended because of me ..(and my needs and frustrations!) And of course (new dream) that he gives the response and confirmation I so desperately need..- and actively taking up all that I do not get to say - as I wrote in the letter.

- You wrong about one thing: People who give advice and also shows that they are humble, not an expert like you said - it is always reassuring! Thank you again.
amazonamazonMember
Hi Frog,

It's nice to meet you. I am also not a native English speaker here, so I can't put into words everything I would like to say.

It's great that you found this wonderful therapist. I thought mine was the best, despite not being very experienced yet.
About your letters, I had a similar dilema couple of months ago. Had approx 12 pages of a letter, all how I feel about him, how wonderful he is, how I adore him, all the little child's feelings towards him. I was frightened to death coming to the session (after two weeks break) with newly discovered feelings and... the letter, that he also asked me to write in the meantime...

Well, if it's any reassurance to you that my therapist being fairly young, not very experenced, not known or published etc.. handled it with great sensitivity, care and... confidence. Therefore I can't imagine your therapist (the guy must be like God) would make you feel like you've done something inappropriate, like your feelings are not important to him, wrong or misdirected. I do not believe in that. So do not throw them away. They are precious thing.

Anyway, I struggled to give him the letter. Absolutely no way I would read it, and also I didn't want him to read it in my presence. I was paralized with fear. It was so frightening and embarrasing for me to have all these strong feelings that appeared all of a sudden and have them spilled out on a few pages of paper. I was so afraid and felt so vulnerable, like a very small child, but he was so caring and understanding and wonderful. He made me so happy that time, by being there, accepting all my feelings, calling them pure and beautiful... I will never forget that.

I hope I gave you some encouragement. I know it is scary stuff, the therapy, talking about the feelings, even having the feelings, and wanting things... I wish you all the best and hope you will get all the best from your T.
frogfrogMember
Thank you- both of you- for your words of cindness and understanding.

I`m glad to learn from you describtion of your T- that he also seem like a very warm and lovely therapist. He must be: i can tell that you are very greatful to him and thats says it all.. Wink

I`ve have to say I may have been a bit unclear about the "caracter" of the diary... Actually it IS MOSTLY JUST A SUMMARY OF THE DAYS.. LIKE.."TODAY i HAVE DONE THAT AND THAT.." so; therefore my anxiety that My T will find it so boring and... not important. Its almost just one sentence about him.. Where I write "I miss you to much right now. It feels like you have forgotten me." Yeah.. thats it.

I guess, at this point, I`m willing to both send him the letters pr post, AND just bring one at time- telling him that he dont have to read it all, because its not relevant..babla.. I dont know.

I agree with you: I am not going to punish him in any passive-agressieve way..! Roll Eyes Mayby just tell him (always work best in therapy- talk it trough) that I am scared to give him the letters. Scared for his respond, scared that i will be disapointed if he dont "like" my writing etc.. .. Gosh..it so dumb- I am like the daughter that wants my dad to think my writings are good...Make an impression! haha. no nO

tHANK YOU AGAIN FOR SHEARING YOUR REFLECTIONS-
I LOOK FORWARD TO BE HELPFUL BACK!

No matter what i decide to do, it cant be so wrong.. i mean..It is not so dramtatic after all..I know i tend to over-analyze every action/word i do with him.. Guess I working really hard to figure out what he REALLY thinks of me..

AMAZON: i MUST SAY, I`M A BIT JELAOUS! your T`s respond to your letter, calling your feelings pure and beautiful- gosh... my T never named my feelings that. Only said, "yes, that is normal to feel" etc. hm..

Again; thank you.
Z zivahMember
Wow, such a dilemma. (And by the way, your English is fine. How many of us here are bilingual - very few, I bet!!).

I've not yet even started seeing my therapist yet BUT I do recognise a lot of these feelings you talk about in relation to when I get fixated on friends - and then I get angry with them for not being with them when I need them, but at the same time absolutely adore/love them. It's so difficult to deal with. I too have written letters, but never yet sent them. Of which I'm glad.

In this instance, you were asked to write, and you did. Did he say that he wanted to read what you had written? I would take the letters with you and then talk about them, since you sound really conflicted and there appear to be a lot of issues in there. Especially as you write so much about how they reflect your feelings, but then say that most of it is dull and boring...

As for wanting to make a good impression and seek approval from him - I think that this is really common. I feel that I will do the same when I start my sessions, when in actual fact, this all stems from me trying (and failing) to get approval from my parents, for different reasons.

I really hope it goes well for you.

x

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