((((BUTTERFLY))))

It's not you, Butterfly. I, for one, am glad you are being picky about a therapist. After all the stories we have read on here, none of us should trust just anyone with our mental health.

I don't know how to let go either but I do feel like I have let go of some of the pain from my past. I did A LOT of of crying and A LOT of grieving. It involved letting myself reexperience all the old unresolved grief. I am not sure but I do think it was in the context of the therapy relationship that the past got triggered and I finally had the space to feel it, verbalize it and work it all out instead of keeping inside.

I've always wanted to read a book by Judith Viorst called Necessary Losses but never got past the first couple of pages. But every time I think I've let go of something, I think to myself, "oh that must be one of the things in the book that she talks about letting go of." Have you read it? I'm wondering if it's any good. Maybe I should find out for myself. LOL! I didn't realize until a minute ago that she also wrote "Alexander and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day."

Well I learned this in therapy, but most definitely use it a lot outside of it. Mindfulness meditation is pretty awesome for helping with this dynamic. It doesn't mean that you "let go" of what happened in the past - it happened, you'll remember it, is what it is. But, though mindfulness, you train your brain to focus more on the present. Living the moment. Letting yourself experience the good/bad/whatever now AND the negative/positive feelings that arise when thoughts from the past arise. In letting those thoughts and such come to light, be experienced, be felt and heard - overtime they have less power over us. Also, when in the meditiation session, you'll naturally (over time) find your way toward desiring more peace in the moment (which necessarily requires letting some things from the past 'go'). It's not like other meditation where you need to close your eyes, sit without moving, etc - not like that at all. You just take time away from each day to sit with your thoughts (even the ones that seem 'unimportant'), experience the moments (what sounds, smells, feelings, etc do you experience), allow the feelings to come out, etc.

I didn't think it would work for me, but it really has. I most definitely have found that in the day to day, I'm much less impacted by both the past and the future and more able to just be. To the extent that is 'letting go,' I'll take it!

BG, thanks for sharing your blog, I can really relate to what you wrote about being stuck and yet not wanting to let go of the hope that things could be different whilst using up all your resources in doing so. I am so sorry for your loss BG, or should I say his. I guess there are no straightforward answers to 'letting go'.

Liese, thanks for saying it's not me, however I am not sure that is true. When does it stop being picky and start being downright ridiculous? I imagine crying is a good way to let things out, unfortunately I'm not much of a crier. I'm really glad that you found a safe enough place to work through your grief.
I have just looked up the book and it looks really interesting, I would love to read it. Is there a reason you haven't got further than the second page or is it just a matter of time?

Sunsheen funnily enough someone has recently mentioned 'mindfulness' to me in relation to something else. The way you describe it, it sounds like it would be really helpful. My life has moved on greatly from what is hanging over me however my mind is still fully there. I would love to gain some power back so that I can overcome this. I will go and look up how to do this. I'm really glad it has worked for you.

Thank you for your suggestions.

Butterfly

Butterfly,

I'm sorry you're struggling. I've do have trouble letting go at times, too!

One thing I do personally is yoga and meditation (like sunsheen suggested). I do it (if not at home) at a place that sets an intention for each class - something mindful. I'm not sure how but it has calmed my mind to a point I really notice change and it's easier to set aside rumination. Sometimes connecting to our bodies can help with that.

Here are some tools my T has given me that I do outside of therapy:

Writing it down - this is a way to honor the feelings/thoughts and get them out. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it makes it worse for me.

Giving myself a set time to worry a day (this has ACTUALLY worked even though I really think it sounds bonkers). They suggested to tell myself 'I hear you, and we will make time to think about this for 20 minutes at 8pm, after 20 minutes we'll stop and do it again tomorrow'. It was sort of a way to self-soothe and... validate. Sometimes I ruminate because I do not feel validated or heard and this is a self-way to feel validation and being heard.

Depending on my emotion I try to move it out of my body - if I'm mad I walk or rip something, sad I try to make myself cry or tell somebody else, anxious...I take meds, call my T and try to survive, if I feel like something has been taken away from me (even my sense of self) I'll take a bath to get back in to what is mine - my body.

My T and I in our somatic work will describe the thought or feeling I'm having - what color, temperature, shape, place, smell, sound, texture.. (if any, sometimes there isn't some characteristics) and then.. either waiting a bit and seeing if it shifts OR describing how we'd like the situation, or an opposite feeling and describe that then imagine the two coming together. It seems for me to "resolve" things on a body level and then my mind is less likely to cling to it. I do this by myself, too.

Like BG said... no answer that works for everyone Looking up DBT mindfulness skills might help, I did a DBT course and found it helped with this. It's hard, I think, sometimes to deal with ruminating thoughts because it can feel like...when we work on them...that it's denial somehow (pushing them aside). At least that is how I've felt/feel sometimes.

thinking of you -

Thanks Catalyst.

I am actually going to go to yoga for the first time this weekend. I have been putting it off for ages. Many people have told me that this is a great way for being in tune with your body.

For me writing things down scares me as it feels like physical evidence of something that I wish didn't drag me down quite so much...and there is also the fear it would be found.

Again, I really like the idea of setting time aside to think of this but sadly once it is in my head which can occur at any time it is really hard to get out again and it really does feel like I have a dark cloud hanging over me. Maybe I need to work on that.

I will look up DBT mindfulness skills as well. I have only ever heard of DBT through this forum.

Thank you for all the suggestions Catalyst, I shall have to give them all a try. Is there one that you find works for you more than others?

Liese, I have ordered that book, thanks for suggesting it . I will let you know if I get anything from it.

Butterfly

(((butterfly)))
i'm sorry that you feel that you can't find a T and that it may be you whether you are not quite ready for therapy right now or whether the T's you found are not good enough, or whatever the reason... does it really matter? it's probably a combination of things and a part of it may be your past, but also if you would have found a T who was a good fit for you you would have known. its probably better you're not wasting your time and energy with someone who's not good for you anyway.

i'm sorry i really dont have anything useful to say on the 'letting go' part... i can't even let go of something that happened last week...

when i wasnt in therapy i found reading self-help type of books or articles helpful and having a project or something new to focus on, like a new exercise class or a hobby. also, i would try to give the time that i used to be in therapy to myself - 50min a week to do something for myself... sometimes i spent it journalling and although that felt forced and fake sometimes, it also helped just the fact that i was checking in with myself (cos i had no-one else to do that). if you find writing things down hard, have you tried writing really really small (that no-one else - probably including yourself - would be able to read it)? or writing with your non-dominant hand very messily. i found these kind of things helped me feel a bit more safe. if it was something really scary, i would colour the page black with a permanent marker, then i would write on top of that.

just thought of something else, in terms of letting go. i find that if i'm angry (and dont acknowledge it) its impossible to let anything go. so anotehr thing i used to do when not in therapy was to try to express my anger, put on music really loud and jump around or hit a pillow - even if i still didnt know what i was angry about, just to get some of that energy out - and sometimes i clicked later what was it that was upsetting me so.

i really dont know if any of this was helpful... i do hope you find some things to help you. you are brave and you're not giving up and i hope you can feel the strength it takes to do that!



puppet

Thank you Puppet, what you have written is helpful.

I guess it matters to me about the T's because it has left me feeling like it is my fault that I can't find one to work with. You are right though, I would have known if I had felt comfortable enough to work with one of them and it probably is my past affecting my feelings around this.

I am trying to keep myself as busy as I can which is helping but it doesn't stop the overwhelming thoughts that take over when I do have a bit of time to myself. I need to learn to control them, it's almost like they are pent up therefore come crashing down on me in an unbearable way.

I do need to learn to express what I am feeling. I will try writing things down really small and see if that feels safer, thank you for the suggestion.

Butterfly

(((( Butterfly ))))

I’m really sorry you are feeling like this about therapy/therapists, because I know for myself how crap it feels when you try really hard to work with and get on with a therapist only to find that really it’s a waste of time, and a soul destroying waste of time at that too. Take it from someone who has worked my way through 35 odd therapists in the course of my lifetime, I am STILL able to hold on to the notion that actually, it isn’t my fault, it’s that they weren’t able to understand the salad in my head that I kept trying to explain to them.

It is very hard though not to blame yourself, to feel like, it’s their job to help me, they are the experts, how come I’m not being helped, it must be something terribly wrong and unfixable with me… which is garbage. Just like meeting Mr Right – or plain Mr Good Enough – there will be a T out there who could help you, it just depends if you have the stamina, desire, will, and enough emotional reserves in the bank (or desperate enough!) to keep looking.

For what it’s worth, I’ve been on the therapy merry go round for so long that I often leave the whole idea of therapy behind feeling that I can (and should) work things out better on my own. SIGH but I always end up looking to find another therapist. Not sure that that's a terribly encouraging thing to say

The kinds of things I do when I’m trying to ‘self help’ away from therapy are: write everything out in deep detail – I sit down and write out as exactly as I can what the hell is bothering me, trying to break it all down into manageable parts and then think carefully about what is involved and what I could do about it. It’s a written stream of consciousness thing, written only for me and my eyes. I have had a lot of insights and understanding as a result and find this the most useful ‘tool’ in the self help array.

I see you’ve said that writing stuff out scares you and also you are worried that others might read it – for a long time I would write reams and reams of stuff that even I couldn’t read back it was so scrawly and not intended to be reread, and periodically I’d bin the lot. Even sometimes immediately after writing something out. These days I use the computer and don't bother deleting anymore, I figure if anyone has the strength and perseverance to plough through the rubbish I write, more fool them...

I also read a LOT of self help books, which can be quite useful.

I have also tended to take myself off to groups – sort of still therapy but different. I like psychodrama groups and find them amazingly good for learning in depth about other people, as well as myself vis a vis people. Don’t know where you are but psychodrama groups in Oz and UK generally tend to be open to anyone to join (you’ve got to find them of course) – they are run either as ongoing once a week type courses, or full weekend events. I prefer the weekend events, more intense and the value of mixing with like minded people is greater. Something like that is quite good if you’re not too keen on one to one therapy but would still like to do some sort of therapeutic work.

Hm letting go of things from the past – not sure that letting go is the right term here, not for me anyway. It’s more of a recognition that I’ve been hanging onto a version of the past that is actually destructive to me because of my anger and sense that I’ve had to be able to blame someone or even several people, for how I ended up.

More recently I’ve actually gone further into the past, getting past the anger and pushing to feel all the other feelings that are hiding beneath the (defensive) anger. Like hurt and loneliness and betrayal and neediness and wanting and shame and stuff like that - the payoff there being that I’ve started to develop a sense of innocence, of being a victim and of things just happening not for any sinister anti-me reason, but just because they happened. It’s quite freeing in a way, and I suppose is partly the first steps towards finally letting go. I don’t think it’s possible to genuinely let go without first working through things, ie the emotional side of it all. And I think letting go happens as a result of working through, not vice versa. But that’s just where I’m at right now.

Lol but then I’m not exactly a success story so maybe these sorts of things aren’t really very useful at all.

I hope you can stop yourself from taking the blame for therapy not working at the moment. Perhaps a break from it and trying different ways of addressing what’s bothering you might be really helpful.

Best wishes

LL

(Oops, bit of a long post, sorry!)

LL wow thank you for your response. Any insight is greatly appreciated.

I have admired your peserverence in your therapeutic journey and I really hope that it will pay off for you.

I am at the stage where I understand that some therapists are just not a good fit, however my faith in myself is rather lacking at the moment hence I ask myself what it is about me that is making me so fussy and finding everyone untrustworthy. I wish I had your stamina to continue in my search but to be honest I wouldn't even know where to start looking next or if I have the strengh to do so.

Writing things down seems to be a useful tool for many people and may be something I need to approach again.

I like the sound of the psychodrama group as well and I am sure that is a great way to learn about yourself and others, my problem is that I am incredibly shy when it comes to group work and this has been my downfall in the past. I will look it up though as it sounds really interesting.

Yes I agree with you, I guess it is not about letting go as much as understanding and dealing with what it is bringing up for me. I guess what I am looking for is a temporary solution, if I were to look at it all in detail it probably would require being in the safety of a therapeutic setting but as that isn't happening at the moment I just want to not have to deal with the feelings that are coming up or at least deal with them in such a way as to stop it taking over my life.

I am glad to hear that you have started the process of delving deeper and in turn be able to let some things go. I think the fact that you are out there fighting for your healing process is a success in itself and I have indeed found it very useful reading what you have to say.

Thank you so much for spending the time writing to me.

Butterfly

Thanks Draggers

Actually hypnotherapy is something I have wanted to try for a long time but my thoughts must be really blinkered at the minute because it hadn't even crossed my mind recently. Thank you for bringing it to my attention. I do remember the one you are talking about and I will go and look and see if I can find myself someone similar. Shame they are so darn expensive though.

Thanks for my hugs..it's a matter of years now, so time to move on...

Hugs
Butterfly

quote:

Thank you so much for spending the time writing to me.

You're welcome BF - it's my pleasure. Good luck with whatever you decide to do next. Maybe you could update here?

LL