Hi BraveHeart,

Welcome to the forums! I'm glad you found us. Your post really touched my heart because it took an awfully long time for me to get over someone, too. I wasn't with him nearly as long as you were with your husband. Also, we were not married, and did not have a child together. But part of what made it SO very hard to move on at the time was that he did that exact same thing of "catting around" after he first broke up with me. Which was terribly confusing and hurtful because every time he did it, I responded VERY predictably, because I still loved him and still wanted the relationship...but it was only for sex, so I was left, and hurt, all over again. Eventually I moved out of town for several years, which broke the cycle...however, it has taken several more years to truly get over him. We still live in the same town, and I still see him around from time to time. I ran into him very unexpectedly about four years ago, which opened up all my old unresolved issues with him yet again...and I started trying therapy, and found this place...eventually found a good therapist...and also went on antidepressants back in June. And something about taking the AD's seems to have brought all I've learned in therapy together and seems to make it possible for me to truly live a life that feels right without him. So my short answer (yes, believe it or not, only this IS my short answer there is MUCH more to the story that I don't have time to go into right now) is YES, it is really possible to truly "let go", if you are willing to do anything to get there - and I never never NEVER thought it would be possible for me to get over this guy - but it is finally finally happening and it is such a relief. I'm sorry you are hurting this badly, I feel like I cried oceans over my guy. I have to run my daughter to a b-day party right now but I'll be back later. It is good to meet you!

Peace,
SG

Hi Braveheart,
Welcome to the forum. I am sorry for how trapped you feel in the relationship with your ex. I have been in relationships where I feel like I have very little control and it's not a good feeling. I definitely agree with SG that it is possible to let go.

In my work in therapy, there came a time where I finally realized that I was so focused on other people because that was how my abusive father taught me how to do relationships, that it was about his needs not mine and that I had to "pay" for anything I got from him by attending to his needs first. Funny enough, my turn never came, no matter how much I "paid."

What finally helped me was to focus on my needs, and identify what I was so desparate for that caused me to cling to relationships way past the expiration date.

So I am wondering if it might help to focus on why you believe you need your ex-husband so badly? What's the horrible thing that happens if he's not there? What needs do you believe he is fulfilling? What are your beliefs about your needs and relationships that are being evoked by interacting with your ex? In other words, move the focus to understanding WHAT to your feelings are and what they say about you instead of focusing on him and his behavior. The only thing you can control is yourself so at least you'll be putting your energy where it can do the most good.

I don't want to give you the impression that this is an easy thing to do, thinking about my own needs was so scary I actually started hyperventilating in session. It's like learning a very difficult foreign language to shift your attention this way, so I don't want this to read as a "just do this and it will magically dissolve." Just a suggestion for a possible starting place.

I'm looking forward to getting to know you, I hope you can find support here.

AG

Dear Attachment Girl, Strummer Girl and other kind souls on this site -- Thank you so much for your welcoming, wise words! I must admit that even just reading these responses has calmed me some.

It is so hard to believe that a selfish man rejecting us can get so much of our positive attention! I mean, who does that?!? Well, apparently, I am not the only one. Not that I would wish this on anyone, but it's comforting to know that I am not crazy (at least in an isolated way if that makes any sens . . .

I do want to get over him and am willing to do anything, but at times, it's as if I'm climbing Mt. Everest and nearing the peak, I find that I am just too exhausted, and I want to give up. I hope this site will help me hold on to my desire to have a real relationship -- not just the scraps.

Attachment Girl, I, too, was raised in a home where I had to give and give. You gave me a new insight here. My dad was alcoholic, and quite frankly, it was ALL about him. The world evolved around that man and his needs. We certainly didn't want to rock the boat and my mother did EVERYTHING for him. When she couldn't, the tasks always fell to me.

It's interesting that you would compare learning to prioritize self to learning a foreign language. I had just commented to my T that, intellectually, I understood all of what she was saying about focusing on self, but only now, after years with her, am I beginning to FEEL what that means -- to integrate the subtleties of this new language; and you are right -- it is tough, but worth the struggle, I hope.

Support feels good -- calming... Thank you so much!

BraveHeart

Hi BraveHeart

It all sounds so terribly painful and confusing. And you are so brave for wanting To get a
Handle on it.

I am not a therapist so I am not sure if I am offbase here. I am just saying the following from my own personal experience. I am just not so sure how helpful it would be if t doesn't let you talk about him anymore. What usually happens to me is the less I am
Able to talk about something, the more obsessed about it I become. I thought it was the conventional wisdom in therapy that when something is plaguing us,
We haven't talked about it ENOUGH. We haven't talked it through enough. Not sure if it would be harmful or detrimental to you if you are not allowed to talk about him anymore. I am not so sure it would help me. Just throwing that out there. Good luck with it all.

Xoxo
Liese

Hi Liese,

I understand exactly what you are saying. I, also, wonder about the wisdom here. To be fair, T did tell me that if I REALLY feel the need to talk about him (re: we had just had an interaction I need to debrief or whatever), we could do so, but generally, she really wants me to start focusing on the emerging single self. It's scary, sad, anxiety-producing to think that I will have to try and exist in that therapy room without my ex . . . I don't know what I will talk about.

Ironically, I just noticed your signature line story. That might be what T is trying to accomplish. She probably wants me to STOP feeding the yuk (for lack of a better term) that came from this heartbreaking experience and get on to the good that is within me . . . maybe

Blessings from BraveHeart

Hi, Braveheart- nice name, and appropriate. You are dealing with so much. Welcome here! Your story also touched my heart, as you shared so bravely, and so openly and honestly. I think you will, in time, heal from this painful relationship. I'm sorry that you have been so used by someone you love. To pour yourself out for someone you love, and get nothing in return, is a most painful experience!

As for your T- I suspect, there are two ways of thinking about this scenario, both valid. There is a way, where a person needs to say what they have to say about how they feel, for as long as they need to. And there is a way that says...enough, now it is time to think of other things. I subscribe to both. However it can be a very discerning therapist, who can figure out when we are actually healing from the talking over and again, or are actually kind of harming from the talking. There is a real question here- and only you can discern the answer. I am in a similar quandary, there is a friend I see often, in my home, who wants to endlessly discuss her illness, for example...do I try, turn her mind to other things, eventually, or do I allow her to talk as much as she needs to about these negative occurrances? It's a tough one! In the end, only you can decide if your T is trustworthy in her treatment of you.

Many hugs, and welcomes here!

Love,

Beebs

(((BRAVEHEART)))

Oh, yes, good point about the emerging self. And BB makes some good points too. I guess it's all good as long as you feel like you CAN talk about the relationship if you need to. I can see how it would be helpful to work on you and then maybe you actually won't NEED to talk about him anymore.

BB, good luck with your friend. It's so hard. My sister does the same thing. Goes over and over the past, over things she can't change. I keep thinking that something feels unresolved for her and if I keep listening, she'll eventually stop. But it hasn't happened yet. Although, I guess that's a bit different than talking about things that are happening in the here and now.