So, my baby is due in a little less than a week. As the time for his birth approaches, I find myself reflecting on the differences between this pregnancy and the one I had with my daughter about two years ago.

When I was pregnant with my little girl, I wasn't in therapy, although looking back I see I really, really could have benefited from some. I was so nervous and stressed about things that happened during the pregnancy and whether or not I was a good enough mother. If a nurse snapped at me or fussed at me for something I'd be crushed for days, weeks, sometimes longer. I ended up having very mixed feelings about how the birth of my daughter went, which exacerbated my case of the "baby blues" by a good deal. I thought I made all the wrong decisions during labor and that I was a horrible selfish mother, etc. I loved her so much, but I was convinced I didn't deserve her and that she should belong to someone else, anyone else.

I knew that support was important during pregnancy and the postpartum period, and I tried to reach out to the people in my life-- my mother and a handful of close friends, and although I think they all meant well, I didn't really have sufficient or good support. It probably has something to do with unmet attachment needs, but it was like nobody could really give me the encouragement, reassurance, and comfort that I needed. I tried "processing" the birth with a few people, but no one seemed to know quite what to say.

With this pregnancy, things have been so different. I have established a secure enough attachment with T (which we have successfully repaired after the rupture I was posting obsessively about awhile back) and she's been able to meet a lot of those needs for me. One of the things I like most about her is that her style can be very affectionate, almost motherly. She's really good with the re-parenting and nurturing side of things.

Anyway, when a nurse has fussed at me or hurt my feelings, I've talked about it to T, and somehow she makes me feel better. I don't worry about it for so long or so much afterward. I talk to her about my babies, about the things that are going well in the pregnancy, and the not so great side of things. She's always interested, affirming, and encouraging (well, except during the first trimester. I remember thinking her attitude towards Baby then was a bit odd, which I never did quite figure out. Things changed as time passed, however).

Anyway, I'm not nearly as freaked out about the approaching labor because I feel I have her in place as emotional support. I know that I'm going to have this baby, and then I'll have a nice talk or several with T about it all. I hope I don't fall apart post partum, but knowing that she's sort of "there" for me if I do makes me feel less nervous about that possibility.

I realize though, that I'm moving into this last week of pregnancy having T sort of in the role (in my mind at least) as a mother figure or at least a good, older friend, and that in reality she is a paid professional, so that feels a bit weird. Of course I know she won't be "there" for me in the sense of visiting me at the hospital or my home the way my real mother will. . . but she'll be contact-able, and we're going to have regular phone sessions for the first few weeks post partum and then transition back to our regular sessions when I'm up to it and it's feasible. So I feel I have her there as a net for me, emotionally, and that is a very safe and positive feeling.

At the same time, this is taking my maternal transference a bit out of the symbolic realm and making it more of a literal, concrete "thing" in my life. As positive as it seems, part of me is saying I'm in fantasy land and need to get a grip, lol. On the other hand, maybe this is a really good step, therapeutically? Aren't you people on here always talking about the healing potential of "leaning into the transference"?

Just wondered if anyone had any thoughts. Don't worry about hurting my feelings if you think this is extreme, I'm going nutty and need a warning.