Hi K,

Good question. I'm curious to hear what others have to say. My T is a lot like yours. She self-discloses mostly only stuff that is relevant to what we're discussing about me. Sometimes she will say stuff while we're chit chatting, but it's not stuff that is really revealing of her personal life or anything like that.

However, there has been one occasion where my T did say something to me that still haunts me. I am pretty sure she regrets having said it too, because she brought it up again in another session later and sounded like she was sorry she had mentioned it and that she realized she had goofed. She didn't apologize, but I think that in retrospect she realized she had made a big mistake with what she'd said. It happened when I read her my very first letter back in March after I'd been seeing her for 6 months and just couldn't get through the point that I was feeling unheard and misunderstood and like she was avoiding my attachment issues. It was a really emotionally intense session for both of us, and my T teared up on me that day. She was pretty upset with herself and feared that she had lost my trust in her and that she had harmed me.

Well, I don't know what was with her that day, but she ended up telling me a story about something that happened a few years ago with a new patient, saying that she wasn't proud of it. She was trying to make a point, although I don't remember what it was. Well, after she told me about it I burst out laughing because I had no idea what she wanted as a response, and frankly I was shocked by what she disclosed. It really was too much self-disclosure and kind of traumatized me. It made me look at her from a totally different angle/perspective and although it helped me realize she's human, I got to see a not-so-nice side of my T that was sort of cruel, actually. Kind of made me fearful of her 'dark side', if you know what I mean. I know I'm making her sound awful here, but sometimes too much information from a T can be harmful, for sure. In fact that is another thing I need to add to my list of things I need to talk to my T about. Guess I know what to put in my journal tonight.

MTF

Kashley, that was a great question!

I think my experiences with this are a bit ubnormal. You see, my T is type "old-school" psychotherapist and in the method it`s uncommon to do self-disclosure.. Allthoug- he`s flexible about it, in that sense that sometimes my T will share things if it is like a answer to my direct question.Normally, i dont ask him anything, in order to "get som info" about him or his experinces. I think i tend to NOT wanna know to much. When he does some self-disclosure i know its not because he needs or wants to, it only serves to help me in a way. Its never about him. Sometimes its a fact that some small "chit-chat" with a personal tone makes me more confortable and safe and helps me open up as well. I know my T knows that, and therefore he only uses self-disclosure as a part of his method to make me open up..

The comlicated part of this is the fact that i DO know pelnty about my T for totally other reasons. 1: my T has wirtten a self-biography book that i`ve (of course i haad to) read. 2: My T happens to be not close- but in personal relation/collega with my parents. In that way- i`ve get to know things (both unwillingly and willingly) indirect about him. Sometimes i have really HATET IT. It has caused me BIG issues sometimes, and i have oftet wondered if all this knowlidge about him has been more harmful that good to me. Propably a mix.

My T never tells me directly about his own personal experiences. He never makes the session/topic about himself. During a problematic session, as we talked about him meeting my parents, and about my problems about seeing him on a resturant with them, he said to me: "It seems like you dont wanna know anything about me, anything that reminds you of, that i am an actual human- with a life outside this office. You only want me to exist here, in this office, as your therapist. (..) It that sense, i am also all yours." WOW! that striked me. I know he`S got a point. But its a complicated case indeed.

thanks for the great question- this is interesting!

In general my T doesn’t practice self-disclosure. He does tell me his opinions on things that I say- which is a type of self-disclosure, but he doesn’t ever tell me anything personal. He’s said before that therapy is about the client, and when the therapist says something personal- even if it’s only for a second- the focus of the therapy is taken off the client and put on the therapist. Whenever I ask him something personal we normally end up having a long conversation about what led to those feelings, why is it so important that I know, how is this similar to the way I relate to everyone else in my life- which in the long run I think will be a lot more important, and help me grow as a person, whereas just knowing that fact about my therapist doesn’t really help me grow or mature.
-mac

My T is guilty of too much self disclosure.
And I do get irritated sometimes that the focus has been taken off of me on my dime. And I have let him know it in round about ways. He appologizes but cant seem to stop himself sometimes. I have heard many of the same stories. However, I also feel that by him doing so, he is giving me something...himself. We are humans exchanging intimate experiences with each other. I would feel it cold and strange to not have him say anything about his life. I need to know this man personally and professionally if I am to trust him. Most of his disclosures are relevent to the therapy discussion, but not all. He travels a lot, and likes to talk about his experiences. What does irritate me is when he talks about other patients experiences...Iknow he is trying to make a point but it is not always apparent to me or relevent. But at least he is HUMAN!

Thanks for the responses, everyone. It's interesting to read how unique everyone's therapy is, especially in terms of therapist self-disclosure. Sorry it's taken me a few days to get back to this.

I think that everything every one of you said is extremely relevant and important. It seems like self-disclosure can quickly become a slippery slope. But, as several of you pointed out, it also helps us as clients remember that they are human, too.

I remember the rupture you're referring to, BG, and I'm glad that it has been resolved and has actually been really helpful to you. It's such a touchy situation, because that only could have been resolved if you spoke up, which you did, and if your T owned up to his mistake, which he did. But it was very helpful to you…I think it's a very potentially helpful situation sometimes but also very harmful, because for those who still can't speak freely about what they feel regarding what their T says (or doesn't say), it can lead to a long road of unnecessary pain.

Mac, I completely agree with you and your T regarding self-disclosure, even though my T does self disclose. I just think it's different for every person and what their interpersonal needs entail. But I'm just wondering (not to undermine anything, just strictly curiosity on my part), do you ever imagine how it would feel for your T to give you just a small smidgen of personal information, with the assumption that it was relevant to whatever you were discussing at the time? How do you imagine it would impact how you relate to your T?

I'm starting to think more and more about this, especially since I'm getting the inclination (well, it's more than an inclination now…) that my T really closely relates to a lot of things I say. My T is really great and has been so supportive and helpful and has a knack for hearing what I'm saying. And any self-disclosure on her part always relates to what I'm saying and is never to shift the attention to her. But, nonetheless, I still find myself wondering if maybe I should have said something regarding this or that…all of which are thoughts that have to do with making sure that I didn't hurt my T's feelings by not asking about something or saying the wrong thing. I guess I'm finding myself wondering where the line is between helpful and harmful self-disclosure. Of course, I know that if I were to bring up how I felt in those situations, that I've felt like I need to apologize for saying something that seemed like it was minimizing her situation, she would probably apologize for making me feel that way and would be very careful in the future. But even in the times where I feel the need to apologize, I clam up for fear of saying something else that I perceive as harmful, even if I know that the apology would bring all of that out in the open.

Regardless, I still really value my T's openness, because feeling as if I'm connecting to a person, a person I perceive as real and truly existing in the world like the rest of us, is something unique. It just seems like the way she works with me will eventually be really helpful in how I transfer things from therapy into the outside world. Who knows, perhaps the self-disclosure is kind of a model meant to help me get to a place where I can openly discuss the things she says and learn to feel comfortable about communicating how I feel.

Thanks again, everyone. I've managed to ramble on for a bit!

quote:

Originally posted by kashley:
do you ever imagine how it would feel for your T to give you just a small smidgen of personal information, with the assumption that it was relevant to whatever you were discussing at the time? How do you imagine it would impact how you relate to your T?

Yes, I have, and my T and I talk about this too. I don’t really have any answer for you. I don’t know if it would impact how I relate to him or not. I know that others here say that their T’s self-disclosure helps them feel understood, and know that their T is a real person… I don’t have a problem in the slightest with either of those things, and I don’t imagine self-disclosure could make me feel any more understood than I already do. My T’s response when I’ve brought up basically your exact question was that any information at all takes the focus off the client and onto the therapist- whether it relevant to what the client is saying or not. Hope I answered your question!
-mac

My T is a self-discloser. Sometimes too much. He talks about himself a lot. Makes me wonder why, even. Some of it is relevant to what we're talking about. I try to be careful about how much I ask - but he answers anything. It depends on my mood as to how I react to the information. Sometimes I don't want to know about his wife or kids or whatever - maybe it's jealousy or anger that he's not staying focused on me. But I never stop him, because in the long run, it's all interesting. I'm a curious type! And eventually I think about all of it. It does deepen the trust and intimacy.

Hey Mac,

You did answer my question... I think it's great that you're upfront with your T and able to ask direct questions. I also think it's really great that even without any self-disclosure (besides about what's happening in session) you still feel incredibly understood. Frankly, that's awesome.

Drifty,

It seems too bad, to me, that you feel you have to be careful about what you ask your T so that he doesn't elaborate too much...have you ever considered maybe telling him how it makes you feel when he goes on about his own life, past the point that you want to hear?