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3 replies

Li'l one and her "Shield"

thekidthekidMember
Even tho I was fortunate enough to keep myself busy this weekend helping friends paint the interior of their house, there were times when I felt an overwhelming sadness come over me. It would come in the middle of rolling or cutting or what have you. The tears would well up and I could feel things building up from my tummy up to my throat. And, there it would stay. (It actually just started now, as soon as I typed this !!??) As soon as this happens, I can physically feels this shield surrounding both li'l one and I. I don't know anymore if it's there to help protect us from something or hinder us from moving forward.

Li'l feels very angry but am not sure why. From her past experience, she was not allowed to have these feelings. It simply wasn't permitted to try and defend herself, especially from key adult authority figures. That would mean being being extremely disobedient. Those feelings must be suppressed at all costs for fear of two things: getting spanked with a ruler and/or getting sent back to the orphanage, where she stayed until she was almost three.

I honestly don't know where these feelings of anguish are coming from. Possibly because T is still away and li'l one thinks she was the cause of that or T just doesn't want to be around her. And, if T doesn't, why wouldn't everyone else??

Yes, it was nice to be of help to someone this weekend but we were being "used" by them to accomplish something. Pieces of us are missing and maybe it's the sadness of feeling this bloody shield will ALWAYS prevent us from getting access to them...

The Kid and li'l one
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R rabbitearsMember
quote:
it was nice to be of help to someone this weekend but we were being "used" by them to accomplish something.


Hi, Kid. So often you put my experience into words for me--thank you. And/but I'm sorry that you're feeling this way, so isolated by the shield, which seems to have a will of its own. It protects AND hinders, doesn't it? And it takes a monumental effort and even greater courage/risk to purposely lower it in order to see what happens. And then there's no guarantee that what happens will be good or pain-free. Frowner

Sorry--the only encouragement I can offer is just to say I share your feelings.

(((The Kid)))

RabbitEars
catalystcatalystMember
((TK))

I like what RabbitEars said about sharing your feelings (though... I know it feels so impossible at times).

I really admire that you are able to embrace and listen to the smaller parts of you. It also sounds painful. Things can get really disrupted when Ts are gone... ruins that consistency that keeps the sanity alive - at least that's true for me. I can resonate with what you're saying about a shield.
muffmuffMember
We do tend to be 'givers' rather than takers dont we Kid?

It's safer giving than feeling obliged to anyone. I guess we have that need to feel needed still.

Taking can make us feel vulnerable, weak and less in control, especially when there is that constant feeling of being rejected.

What reward do we *really* want when we give to others? A good connection? A feeling of self worth?

That might last for a little while, until there is nothing more than rejection again. And then comes anger, because that good connection is on holidays ~and up come the feelings of abandonment/ no one cares/no one likes me/no one understands me, all the feelings lil' one repressed.

Now The Kid has to feel them for li'l one. The bubble you are both in will protect you from those feelings until you are brave enough to feel them.

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