(((Kid))) 's to you. All I can say is that I am absolutely appalled at what your adoptive mother has just said to you. How hurtful. I really hope your T can help you with all of this. Just know that your reaction is quite normal under the circumstances.



B2W

(((Kid)))
Just wanted to send you hugs.

I am so sorry, TK. I can only imagine the confusion and distress this must be bringing

It is not fair of your mum to use emotional blackmail, dangling the possibility that you might not be listed in their wills because you've not been calling and also thoughtless to tell you about this big change in the story of your early history. No wonder you're thrown for a loop.

It's horrible when people and situations abruptly change. Has your mum ever acted that way when she's felt betrayed or she felt you did something wrong before? Or is this completely new behaviour? It sounds like you had to make a really difficult decision about your dad's driving. At the end of the day, their safety and the safety of other road users was at risk. I cannot see how you could have done it any differently.

I am so sorry L'il One has retreated inside. One thing to keep hold of is that if she was beginning to express herself, she may venture out when things have calmed down. It seems you've done a lot of hard work to understand each other. Are there any things you can do to let her know you're still there for her and that you're doing your best to help keep her safe, even if she doesn't respond?



I'm glad you took a risk to reach out to others. I hope you are able to get some of the support you need here.

((TK)) I think everyone above has given you great insight, however I did want to lend a hug.

TK & LO -

I only have a moment, but I wanted to make sure I sent a great big hug. Also, I just want to say how proud I am of you for being so brave. Even after all the freaky stuff went down with mudd, you are here reaching out. Do you know how incredibly brave that is?

I'm terribly sorry that li'l one has taken all of this so badly and that now you are dealing with the atrocities of your mother. I'll come back when I have more time, but for now...




-RT

Giant hugs to you and Li'l One. I am so very sorry for the anguish, pain, confusion, and turmoil all of this has thrown you into. Like everyone else has already written, everything you are feeling is absolutely understandable and I am so glad you took the risk to reach out for support and encouragement. People here do care about you, that is for sure.

There is so much complexity to your story--so many facets and nuances--but several things struck me and I thought I'd throw out some things here.

In thinking about your parents and their age, and the loss of their independence, it seems your mom is definitely trying to make you the scapegoat. Certainly, it is hard for elderly parents to lose their independence, mobility, and sense of control in their lives. Having parents and in-laws at that stage, I have seen the frustration that they feel, as well as the deep loneliness with all the losses. As we step in and responsibly intervene to make sure they and others are kept safe, it can feel to them like we are stealing their very independence from them. My DH and I dealt with this with my MIL, who passed away last summer (2012). After 2 accidents and almost driving over two pedestrians, we would not let her drive again. She was very angry at us for a while, but we just didn't trust her to be able to be safe. She, however, was not retaliatory or hurtful, though she did try to guilt us for doing what good, caring children do for their parents.

Your mom's retaliation of the threat of withholding the will, as well as the extremely hurtful re-making of your early history is so wrong, and I can see where it is truly playing with your head. How could she be so cruel and hurtful to you like that? Though it may not feel like any consolation try to remember that this is about her stuff and not yours. This is likely about her own pain and the anger that she is feeling inside, and you are the one she is projecting it on to.

The problem is that her sudden shift really plays into your own fears, and especially the fears of Li'l One. In secure attachments, babies and little children (and big ones, too) have a sense of predictability and that their parent or caregiver will be there when they need them. They expect reliability and consistency. In "Coping with Trauma" (Jon Allen), something I was just reading, really relates. He says that, "confidence in the accessibility and responsiveness of the attachment figure hinges on two factors: your expectations about the responsiveness of the attachment figure and your view of yourself as worthy of responsiveness".

In all this, confidence and trust relates back to whether or not we really developed secure attachment patterns, or else, learned that trusting only seemed to lead to disappointment, hurt, and pain. The problem is the confusion that got played out in that sometimes our attachment figures were there for us, which makes it even more bewildering because we were forced to live with unpredictability and uncertainty. The end result is that we aren't often quite sure who or what to believe because we just never know what the outcome will be (at least that is my own personal experience and something I am grappling with right now in my own journey).

I wonder if in all this that you have shared--between the let down with Mudd not being who she said she was, and then the huge let down with your mom over such integral aspects of your life--has obviously pulled up some very painful, destabilizing experiences that Li'l One lived through? No wonder she would high tail it inward and run for safety. She is likely terrified and unable to know what might happen next.

I think what Mallard shared was really right on and that is that you ARE and have been doing some great work, and that you are going to be there for her and keep her safe. Li'l One retreating is not at all abnormal when she gets bewildered, not to mention that YOU, as adult, are also bewildered and probably feel like the wind has been knocked out of you! Being in that position it can feel like you don't have the ability as adult TK to help Li'l One (I know since I have been there so many times). Maybe as you get your own breath back again, you will be able to hold her and love on her and let her know that no matter what, you are going to respond to what she needs.

Hang in there

(((TK)))
So sorry to hear what your mom said!
I'm adopted, too, and have had stories switched on me. Mom has said, "now where did you get THAT story??!?"
Uhhh... you, mom. I remember ANYTHING related to my birth like it's yelled through s megaphone compared to anything else, and I'm PRETTY sure I'd remember why I was given up!

Anyway, I'm sorry for what you're going through. You ARE brave, like was said above. Try to stay focused on who you ARE right now - and doing exactly what you're doing - reaching out as needed.


Starry

Hi Starry...thank you so much for your message. It means a lot to know someone else on here understands where I'm coming from and can relate. Why do parents do this to their kids? They truly don't understand what their words do. I'm sorry to know you've gone thru this too. I really don't understand what purpose it serves anyone. They don't understand the damage it does.

May I ask how you've handled it? Not prying, just curious and glad to be able to talk to someone else who's gone thru it.

Again, thank you for your post. I've been reading them all but am still trying to wrap mmy head around everything that was said.

The Kid

Just wanted to provide everyone a quick update on how today has been.

I was initially going to hibernate so I could try and make sense of some of this. But, I know that's not the best thing to do so I forced my *ss out the door. Didn't know where I was going, I was just GOING! Even though it didn't prevent thoughts of disbelief, it helped distract.

I have an appt with T this coming Wed afternoon, so the timing is good. I'll be very curious to know her thoughts. (Sent her a summary of what I wrote here.)

I don't know what I'm going to do re finding out the facts or how I would even go about doing it. That's going to have to wait until things settle and I get my head cleared. Based on what I heard last night from my mom, I'm wondering if I'm not dealing with more than one parent having mental health issues.

As Amber said, there are quite a few complexities and nuances, etc, involved. Some I understand, some I don't. To be told something totally different than what I have been all these years, is the most confusing thing. Not knowing how you came to be and the circumstances under which you were adopted is beyond comprehension.

I just want to say a heart-felt thank you to everyone for their kind words, support and caring. I was going to try and answer everyone individually but I can't think straight enough right now to do so. So to B2W, Starlight, Mallard, Smilingpenguin, Hollow, Catalyst, Red Tomato,
Amber and Starrynights -

The Kid