OW,
Sorry, it looks like I missed you by only a couple of hours. I can't sleep either and after tossing and turning for 2 1/2 hrs I finally got up and decided to check in to see who's been around.
I am sorry that you are feeling unfulfilled and lacking what you need. I know it can be a very lonely and painful process, but at least a little less lonely having so many here on the forum who understand this miserable heartbreak we endure.
I think about how you say that she gave you hope, courage, and confidence and I so know how that feels and how we naturally long to be around someone who makes us feel that way. But the truth is she actually only helped you discover the feelings that already exist within you. Those are yours and you already own them and they are yours to access any time. That person you were uncovering is real and deserving of liberation and hope; to be the loving, kind, warm, generous, courageous, and confiddent person she already is. You can never go back once you've awakened that realization, although I know it remains a struggle. It feels like we take 1 step forward and several steps back, but in reality we are always gaining new ground. It just feels like the same old stuff but it's different fragments and different layers so it can be very bewildering.
Depression can feel like a very dark and endless place when you're there. But I have learned that the good feelings can still be found. They're still within us and we have to find something to draw them back up. I remember a friend (who happens to be a therapist) told me a long time ago to "challenge" my depression. I don't know what it was about her words but something clicked and I realized I really did have a choice to keep feeling this way or not and I have the power to create whatever circumstances I need to get out of it. Sometimes I get so involved in my depression that it becomes like a vicious cycle. My T always tells me to list the emotions or problems in the particular cycle I am going through and then do something to change one or two things in that cycle and it will slow down enough for you to get a grip. It takes a lot of effort, but it always works. Sometimes I go for a walk, or play with my dog, take a hot bath, or find something that usually brings me a measure of joy; even if it's only a little joy for the moment. Just yesterday (although right now it sill feels like today)I found that all I wanted to do was sit at home in my pajamas and a friend invited me to go with her to run a couple errands. That's all we did and I returned home feeling much better. We didn't talk about my problems (this time) or have a heart to heart. There was no pretending that every thing was ok either, it was just an opportunity for me to change my surroundings for a couple hours and it worked. OW, I don't mean to make this sound simplistic or like a lecture by any means, but I am in the same boat and when that boat starts filling with water you know you gotta start bailing. (hands over extra bucket)
I believe that huge void will be filled for both of us someday. I have felt severe pangs about it lately myself wanting to be a part of my T's life because when I'm around her I feel important and worthwhile, among other things. I remember once when I told her how much I enjoyed being with her she asked why and I listed several reasons to which she replied, "Good, because that means you're starting to like being around yourself. All those reasons you listed are a result of being heard and making time for YOU. It's all about you here, isn't it?" (Huh, yeah it is all about me here.
)
I guess that's another good indication why friendships and therapy don't mix because then the needs become skewed and is no longer about just us, and the whole reason why we "need" that relationship in the first place gets lost in a dual relationship. Perhaps that is why your sons T insists on waiting 2 years before she will forge a friendship with you giving you time to overcome the powerful transference feelings. Then you are not entering into an unbalanced relationship as you would otherwise. Someone such as your sons T and my T (and all T's) are in positions of authority and power and can do much harm when altered and they are usually not as fulfilling as we dream they would be anyway. My T just told me in so many words the other day that if I were one of her friends she would have far less time for me. I would lose every thing I cherish most. I believe that I already have the very best of her she has to offer.
I am sorry if I am sounding like I am rambling and trailing into my own needs, but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I hope that somehow my words hit the spot I am aiming for, because that is where thay are coming from.
JM
). I miss her and think about her often, but it's not as urgent and critical as it seemed just a couple of weeks ago. 