(((cat)))

I gave your question in your post a lot of thought, because I realized I have somewhat mixed reactions to change. I think I've pinned it down to the fact that if there is a big change that I feel like I am choosing and in control of, it can bring a sense of excitement and much needed distraction. If a life change happens to me however, and I feel there is nothing I can do about it, that's a totally different story. I'll just say I don't react so well to that.

As far as finding courage to 'go for it' when thinking of making changes, I believe one of the best things is writing down or just thinking over all the positives about the change, instead of fears or possible negatives. The more you can see what good can come of it, the more you might naturally be drawn to making it happen.

Good luck with it all!

catalyst, I am sorry that I have no words of wisdom for you. I am the worlds worse at change. The changes you are going to have to make are a big deal.

I have been on hold, so to speak, for about four years now. My job is day to day and I have had a bunch of life changes, with more coming down the road, that I have pushed into the bin of denial. My old life is gone and never coming back. It can really get me to the point of some thoughts of it all being not worth it. I have managed to push those thoughts aside and now I am thinking of maybe writing an obituary for my old life. I need something to move me forward and I thought something written down would make it more real and blast away the denial. I don't know though, denial has been my comfortable hiding place for awhile now. Tough for me to give up.

I think when life changes are unavoidable it can unveil many issues that we have. Sometimes unavoidable is good. I am wishing you best of luck with those changes.

((AH)) Ah, that's an interesting point… about feeling in control of the change (your choice) rather than feeling like the change is outside of you. Thats interesting and I had to ponder, too, I'm usually really directive but you know what? I think I am more comfortable with the idea of responding/adapting due to others. That said, the changes I am in charge of are sort of adapting… I don't know You're making me think!! Thank you for suggesting I write, it helped me to paint today… since that is my 'emotional writing'. I adjust poorly… no wonder I've held on to all my defense mechanisms for so long, and with such gusto!

((Becca)) Good to see you around. Thanks for validating what a big deal these changes are! I've been on hold for 4yrs too! An obit for your old life may be interesting… I am okay with my life for now, not okay enough for it to continue to be the same, but up until now it's worked. When you stay stuck the past 4 years do you kind of mean in a limbo? I can imagine that would be hard. My T has suggested as ways to put the past behind you (whatever past, or whatever part of it) to write it down and burn it. I secretly think she's a bit of a pyro… she's excitedly talked about how she's more than willing to burn things in her trash bin at the office more than several times. Thanks for the good luck wishes, and much the same to you.

Hey Catcat -

For me I think once I have somehow sort of magically come to the decision that yes it's time to do something (which happens at a below-thought level) I then just try to affirm that knowing deep down and let it bubble up into plans. Not sure if this makes sense or is on point. But it's like - okay, I don't know how this is going to work or what will be required or if I have everything I need, but that is the nature of change - it takes time to get that surface stuff in place, and it can only come from the deeper down knowing.

So like say one day I KNEW that it was time to get married or divorced. I don't know HOW yet, and every time I try to imagine or figure out that new life I get stuck, because the old life is REAL and it tells me what to do every day but the new life is not. And faced with all that unreal stuff I easily freak out - why don't I know already? - and I question the decision - if this was the right thing to do I'd already have it sorted!

But now instead I just try to go okay, this is new and will take time to bubble up. It's okay to have questions and go through the figuring-out process. When a problem comes up - hey maybe it's not necessarily an OBSTACLE, maybe it's just one of the things that I need to figure out, and I need a little time for that.

New year hugs!

It's official… i'm moving… and my schedule is the exact same as my Ts. I feel abandoned… even though it is not their fault. I will see T2 for a final time Monday, and T1 this week, and 2x next week. Then… maybe someday I can work the hours I want. I will probably get a T that works evenings to help with the adjustments, grief, etc. Then, hopefully things will work out that I can see them again.

This is all a little more sudden than I thought, I won't be moving for at least 2 months… but maybe I will sooner to distract myself from the horrible pain I'm in.

I'm excited to be moving my life forward, but I just wasn't done with my therapy yet, and with those two wonderful Ts. I knew I'd have to leave eventually, I just… wasn't done and it's a short time to say goodbye. To go through all of this alone without them… heart breaking, alone again through a really tough adjustment, and it feels like… why did I bother… and I hope I have learned enough self resources that it won't be the same way it has had to be with trauma, or with escaping to another country, or with things I've survived… alone in my heart.

((Jones)) So good to hear from you Yes, I think like you it is this strange sense of knowing. What you say reminds me of acceptance… and sort of taking what is given at the time it is right… or what is planned because it's just inside your gut and you can't help but move forward. I'm very very grounded and love routine, and under I know I have bubbling waters that wave against me enough that if I don't move, I'll get "sea sick" (life sick) so to speak… The scary part isn't planning the change, or working for it, or knowing I need it… like you're saying where you're thinking "okay, this is new, and I have to figure it out"… the scariest part for me is alright, it's planned, in motion and then holy**** it's happening. I can plan for a hurricane… tape up the windows, make a safe room, get some sandbags and be calm, even minutes before… but I'm crapping my pants when I hear the wind coming.

((SP)) I wish I had a kamikaze phase… I did a relatively minor drug ONCE (the kind that is sorta legal some places now, etc…) … and I researched it online for weeks, planned it, planned the day, who I was with etc. I like adventure, but I also like security in it. It's interesting how much motherhood has moved things, I don't think I'd get more adventurous LOL, I wish I could say I would! I feel out of control psychologically too!! It makes things… ugh. I am certainly going to get a ton of practice… I just wish it was slower, over time… maybe getting it all over with at once is better, I don't know.

((Cat)) wow, that's a big change! Congrats on the new job! I'm sorry you'll have to stop seeing your Ts for now before you were ready to stop

It sure doesn't sound like you are in the same place you were when you started. From reading along and following pieces of your journey here, it sounds like you've done amazing work. Maybe this is just a brief break in your healing (although, you can certainly continue healing even without your Ts)...you can begin/continue to use what you've learned in therapy.

Hugs to you during this transition.

(((cat)))
i'm sorry the change is quite sudden and that you won't be able to see your Ts any more... maybe you can work something out so that its a longer transition?
thinking of you...

puppet

((Cat))

Congratulations on the new job opportunity and new apartment. That is a lot of change really quickly. Please do your best to take care of yourself as you go through this time.

Will there be any chance for you to work out something with T1 to not lose her completely? I know she means so very much to you.

Treat yourself kindly during this time dear friend.

Jillann

Catalyst, good for you for going forward with this. As others have mentioned, you are being very brave. I want to be able to go forward like you. I hope after time has past and your life has settled down maybe you can see your T's again. It sure sounds like they have given you enough resources to be able to make a decision like this. Best of luck to you and Happy New Year!!!!

(((Cat))) such mixed emotions for you right now. I'm so happy about your new job, as I know you've been wanting to move on for a while, but that's an awful lot of change to.handle all at once, and I'm so sorry it means leaving your Ts behind, at least for a time. I hope they're able to refer you to someone really good and maybe provide check-in type support (allow you to call during the transition?) until your schedule allows you to work with them again. You've grown so much in these last few years and are taking some brave steps. It's bound to be as scary as it is wonderful, and I'm happy with you for the wonderful and just here for the scary part.

((CAT))I also want to tell you how sorry I am for all the pain and turmoil you are now facing, but also dealing with it so bravely. You have grown a lot, and I think your going through this is going to prove to yourself how self sufficient you can be when need to. We can see your strength,now you will be able to see it, as you go through this new adventure. I just can't wait to hear you talk about all the positives you are going to get through, and you will be amazed at your own strength. Be really patient and gentle with yourself. We are here for you.

Thank you guys I so appreciate your words, and will respond with much more sensitivity and individually when I can.

I'm really struggling.

I know it will all be okay somehow - I'm so well taken care of in a spiritual sense - the adjustment is just impossible.

I'm also triggered… I feel like I'm not allowed to be excited. And I enter this terrifying in between.

I can't tell if my therapy work has gone in to this change - but I don't feel 'moved', I don't feel like it's a big step, or progress.

I sort of wish I could have my Ts validate that for me… but it needs to come from inside and that part… I'm not there yet.

((((cat)))) So sorry for how tough this must be sending hugs and support and best wishes your way