((((((SCATTERED))))))

I have no advice but only comfort to offer. I often feel the same way, that no one can see what's going on inside. Actually, I usually try to hide what's going on so no one can see. But the result is very much the same, that we are left feeling really really alone and really disconnected from everyone. Just wondering if there is SOMEONE, ANYONE you can reach out to this weekend to try to pull yourself out of that awful feeling. Sometimes I forget that I DO actually have people I can talk to about what is going on inside of me. Not a lot. But a few. And sometimes even just connecting superficially with someone on facebook also helps.

So glad you posted here. Sometimes I just find the simple act of reaching out snaps me out of it.



Liese

Thanks Liese

quote:

I was also wondering if I maybe have signs of DID - could anybody tell me more? I've been diagnosed with BPD and bipolar disoder. But somehow, feel they missing the pot here.

Hi Scattered.... wish I could give you a great big hug. I know you are in a lot of pain over this. You may be dissociating in session but there is a long continuum of dissociation before you are DID. I dissociate too in session when things start to feel scary or dangerous. I get this buzzy sound in my ears and my brain does not work correctly and I don't remember later what was happening. Sometimes I feel like I'm hovering over the scene watching it play out. My current T is getting really good at spotting it and bringing me back during sessions. I still have a problem though when it's time to leave him. Most times I don't remember leaving nor do I feel his handshake or remember how he looked at that moment.

I know you said you are diagnosed BPD but I wonder if you should speak to your T about Complex PTSD. C-PtSD has overlapping traits with BPD and some people claim they could be the same thing but I'm not sure about that. There are some differences. I think the biggest issue in C-PTSD is the attachment injury that we suffer as children. I think you said that your mom died and then your dad abandoned you? That would definitely be cause for attachment injury and this is the reason why you are so attached now to your T. That is okay, it's healthy and understandable. Is it possible that you could talk to your T about attachment?

I was extremely unstable when I first saw this T I have now due to being traumatized and he decided to see me twice a week and that really helped to stablize me instead of overwhelming me... it very much helped to regulate my emotional state because being with T calmed me. So I really don't understand your T's objection to twice a week. I honestly feel it would help and maybe you could ask her to try it as an experiment to see how it works for you. You can always stop it if it's too much.

I also wanted to say welcome to the Board. I'm glad you found us and I hope you use us as a coping resource while you are in therapy. Please feel free to post as much as you need to and to ask questions.

Hugs
TN

Oh TN, You have me in tears, that you would actually take the time to remember my previous posts..

I'm really in a bad place, esp today. I need my T today so bad that it hurts so much. She kind of avoids speaking about attachment and just says that she won't let anything happen that is not ethical and healing. She is very accomodating though and emails me everyday, sometimes 3 times a day. She sits next to me every session for the last 15 min and holds me. She gave me a teddy last week to keep while I cannot see her. She does however hold firm on the once a week appointment and will not see me twice a week, she says that it will be too overwhelming and move too fast and that we need to go slow.

I think she does treat me for C-PTSD as there is a lot more than just abandonment. Just as a little insight, I've started to remember abuse too. It's put me in a child-like state everytime I see my T and it's very overwhelming and confusing and takes me a couple of days to snap out of it sometimes. I'm really struggling this week. I only see her every Friday and I don't know how to cope with the time inbetween sessions. I want to go crazy from all the anxiety! I feel guilty for being needy and clingy. Neediness gets you nowhere but in trouble! What do I do? How do I cope? How do I go to work or function with all these feelings inside of me? I just want to know what it feels like to have a mother for one day... just for one day I want to feel safe and protected and loved like when I am at therapy..

I can't begin to explain the pain that I'm in..

I really do want to be more active on the forum, but really find it scary to post. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond.

((((SCATTERED)))))

What kind of T is she? How long has she been a T and how old is she? People here generally favor older, more experienced T's. My T was avoiding the attachment discussions also and it turned out that it was because of his own issues that he hadn't worked through yet. It didn't make me feel good when I tried to bring it up, doing what I thought I was supposed to be doing, doing what everyone here said and what I'd read all over the internet: talk to your T, talk to your T. Things have gotten resolved now but I'm hoping you don't feel bad like I did, feeling like I did something wrong for trying to talk about it.

It can be really scary to post but I am glad you did anyway. It's great your T is so supportive. I understand somewhat what your T is saying about the intensity because I went from every week to every other week for a very long time. When I started to fall apart last year, I needed to go more and went back to every week and then twice weekly. But it was definitely an adjustment and I did find it could be overwhelming because of my fears of intimacy.

On the other hand, I am now of the opinion that if the client wants to go twice a week, they should be allowed. Maybe you could talk to her more about it? Maybe you could use once session for processing and one session for clean up issues?

I downloaded a book written by an "expert" on BPD. He said that borderlines should not be allowed to go to therapy more than once a week. That they are going to want to but they shouldn't be allowed to. On the other hand, there is another "expert" Dr. Jeffrey Young, who is CBT btw, who says that borderlines need to go to therapy twice a week for 3 years. Your T could just be following some party line and not being responsive enough to you and your needs. It's worth exploring with her. T's have all different ideas about dependency.

It sounds like you could use the support. I am glad she does give you extra email support.

HUGS,

Liese

Hey Scattered. Sorry for your pain. I see my T 1 x a week but she checks in on me via email once or twice. Sometimes I text her. I am attached to her but when I am feeling overwhelmed she isn't inside me.

Her and I talk about attachment ALL the time. It is out in the open and we use her and my relationship for me to understand my links with other people. My T is open to me going 2 x a week but it is me that said no - I don't want to become too dependant on her.

There is a difference to being too dependant and needing to be attached. Last week I had a particularly bad week and I desperately needed her and saw her 2 x week. It is up to me whether i make that 2nd appointment and her availability. After seeing 2 x in the same week - I felt more regulated and I coped better. My T is totally fine to leave it up to me to decide.

I have found that I need more. If I saw T 2 x week then I would need more and more. I know myself. So instead I have to rely on other resources to cope. I use this forum to get help and to give help, I have another support group of women who have similar issues to me and we all support each other, I write lots of stuff in emails to T, I research attachment, read on it, reach out to people in real life - I know that I have to have about 10 things / resources for me to get thru a week. I also have a few local friends who I can email when I am having a rough day or if they email me and ask how i am , i am comfortable in being raw about what is happening.

I am also reading on and practicing mindfulness to stay in the moment and to let myself feel things, I make sure I do things I enjoy each day. I force myself to take quiet moments to notice things and to stop and think about what I am feeling.

All these things here have helped me - not sure which ones are the best.

Hi Liese

Thanks for your response.
She has her doctor's degree in psychology and is probably in her 50t's or so, with many years of experience.

I do feel very guilty talking to her about any attachment issues or about wanting to see her more often. She is very aware of how I feel, but avoids speaking about it. She even said that I am very needy, but that it is ok - that actually made me feel even worse to be honest. I was very upset when she told the P that I am borderline and since changes the topic when it does surface and just says that she is sorry for even using that word. I suppose putting a name to it, felt very hurtful and not helpful.

Everybody here talks about what type of therapy their T uses, I am too scared to even ask - I'm to scared to even move in therapy.

I wrote her an email on Friday asking her what she wants me to do, because I feel that everything I do in therapy is wrong. I can't email her about issues - just to keep contact and I write her letters to read in therapy because I can't talk, but when she reads it (because I'm to scared too) I dissociate. I've taken her pictures that I have drawn as well - but we haven't even worked through them yet. Now she wants me just to talk, and I can't - even if I do, it's always the last few minutes of the session and then I leave with all these emotions that I feel haven't been worked on. It's so frustrating! I'm falling around all over the place and haven't worked through one topic yet, just pieces of everything. So I feel like a wounded buck running around with no-one to help. She is all I have. I don't have any other support here at home or with friends. I wish she would just tell me what is going on with me, what's wrong with me, why I keep failing at life...

This is the first time ever that I have felt so close to anybody, my whole life has been a total mess and there is still ongoing issues too. I don't know where to turn anymore, what to think or how to feel. I struggle to process the sessions afterwards and deal with all the emotions on my own. I feel like I'm this small child just craving for protection and love. I even struggle with the fact that she actually believes what I am telling her - that she gets me. I'm waiting for her to also push me way and hurt me, yet I am so scared that it will happen as I am allowing her to really know me - the real me, the hurting and confused me!

What do I do? I just can't cope anymore

((((SCATTERED)))))

I can really feel your pain and feel how alone you feel. Even through cyberspace. I'm wondering how long you have been seeing her. It sounds like she has too many rules for you and that it is making it too confusing for you to figure out where you fit in. This isn't right. You're too needy. Let's not talk about the pictures. Let's talk.

Oh, and the fact that she told you you were needy, just how helpful was that? The way she is relating to you, even unconsciously, could in fact be triggering you and causing you to be more needy. She's not opening herself up to you to be that secure base that you so badly need.

It sounds like you are doing all the work here and I'm just wondering how she is trying to connect to you. You are attached to her, yes, but I'm wondering too if she gets you. I'm sorry to be so blunt. But she seems DISTRACTED. Like she's all over the place and can't focus on anything with you.

It's so hard when all your needs aren't being met and yet you remain deeply attached. To me, that feeling is like purgatory. There's still hope. You're not quite in hell yet but almost. I'm wondering if you can muster up the strength to go on a consult. Really do some research and look for a T who specializes in trauma and/or attachment. You don't even have to tell her that you are doing this. Just to pass some things by another T and maybe see how you feel about someone else. Maybe you might like the person. Maybe you would find the consult empowering. Or maybe it would scare you.

It just doesn't sound to me like she is really connecting with you in the way that you need and it is hurting you.

xoxoxo

Liese

Liese

You are saying things that I have been too scared to.. I don't want to hurt her or be that hellish patient. I've been in therapy for 14 months now and it's my first time. I will try and look around, but what if she finds out? It does feel like therapy with her is just making things worse, but that could just be that it's difficult to face my problems and that I have never been in this situation before, I've never had anybody understand me. I think she really does get me and knows what she is doing, it's just me being stupid or something. I have to man up and just open up my darn mouth to talk and then things should go better. I don't know why I should be scared of my own voice. Maybe I'm just being childish by not coping with her boundaries and over-attaching myself to her, when I should just be an adult and back off a bit.
I just really don't know, I feel like this branch just swaying from side to side, and can't find a balance in the middle of things. I'm so sorry for venting so much..

((SomeDays))

Maybe that is part of the problem for me - that I rely on my T too much. Maybe I should try and find other ways of coping.

I sure wish my T will allow me to decide how many times I can see her, I mean after all I have to work with a budget too, so I won't be able to see her more than 2 x week anyways... Agh, why does life have to be so complicated.

Thanks for your response.

((((SCATTERED))))

quote:

Maybe I'm just being childish by not coping with her boundaries and over-attaching myself to her, when I should just be an adult and back off a bit.

Naa, if you backed off, you wouldn't get to work through it. That would only be stuffing it all again.

I saw a bit of a parallel between your situation and mine. I had to fit into my parents life. There wasn't any room for any individuality. And so, when I come across someone who is rigid, I unconsciously fall into those old emotional patterns. I would try to please them and would ignore my own feelings and needs. Downplay them. Dimiss them, etc. etc.

It sounds to me like you are someone who really needs to be drawn out. She needs to open up your world, not close out your options. But she seems to be unfocused with you. Maybe she doesn't know what to do first, where to focus her efforts and yours.

The best thing to do would be to tell her how ashamed you feel when you talk about the attachment and how you feel like she is avoiding it. And perhaps about her boundaries and her rigidity and how it is affecting you. She may not realize how she is coming across to you.

The way she relates to you is all affecting you on an unconscious level. You will not be able to act like an "adult" (your words) because your psyche isn't organized that way. She is almost treating you like a child, like she knows best. She knows how many times a week you should come. That you should focus on talk and not pictures, etc. You are falling into that pattern of feeling incompetent and helpless.

IDK, I could be blowing smoke out my arse here. But I have found that the very best thing to do is to talk and keep talking about how you feel. Even if you have to write it out and hand it to her.

HUGS,

Liese

((((Liese))))

Thank you so much for your insight, will look into it

HUGS:
Scattred

Scattered, I feel like you are me in so many ways. I agree with Liese in that I think it is more like C-PTSD. It is what I have and have had for months, Sometimes I feel it is getting a bit better now though....perhaps some silver lining. I too dissociate, distance myself from everyone, battle to concentrate, broke out in a rash, vomitted consistantly from the emotional pain, had suppressed memories surfacing that I wasn't even sure if I should believe (probably because I didn't want to believe them in addition to everything else I remembered), therapy seemed to make me worse, my body would begin to shake uncontrollably just at the thought of some things, I had nobody aside from my "therapist" to speak to, I had panic attacks and it was just an overall nightmare, and in the middle of that I too was supposed to be studying and somehow acting normal around family and friends. On top of that I have had major earthquakes to deal with. I had always been in control of myself, been able to block everything out, and now I feel like an absolute mess.

This seems to be all about me...right? It is just meant to show you that there are other people who understand what you are going through, and though we may not have all the answers for you, I want you to know you are not alone and somehow or other it does get better - how and when is different for everyone, but the intensity of those feelings do subside. Hey, I have just been dumped by my "therapist", but I have found hope in this forum. Of course I still feel a tremendous sense of loss and I don't know when that will pass, but I just have to believe it will.

If writing is easier for you then carry on writing here - whatever makes you feel better.

(((born2write)))
Thank you for your reply and well, it does sound like we are in a simular boat. I am sorry that you have been dumped by your t and that you also feel the way I do. Thank you for sharing.

quote:

I too dissociate, distance myself from everyone, battle to concentrate, broke out in a rash, vomitted consistantly from the emotional pain, had suppressed memories surfacing that I wasn't even sure if I should believe (probably because I didn't want to believe them in addition to everything else I remembered), therapy seemed to make me worse, my body would begin to shake uncontrollably just at the thought of some things, I had nobody aside from my "therapist" to speak to, I had panic attacks and it was just an overall nightmare, and in the middle of that I too was supposed to be studying and somehow acting normal around family and friends

This is SO like what is going on right now!!!

This week too, things are really out of control at t and I am very confused. I want to quit, but also know that it's a matter of life or death to stay with her. It hurts bumping into her boundaries and they seem to change from time to time. There is also just so much to deal with, that some important issues go unsaid, and undiscussed. I keep feeling that she is angry with me somehow and that I am just doing this whole therapy wrong. I feel that she is pushing me away, or wanting me to 'grow-up' and I'm not ready for it. Although I know that the only way to heal is to face those fears - as a very dear friend told me. I am su at the moment and VERY fragile. I don't know if i will be able to afford t for much longer and my H wants me to stop too. I can't stop and it will be the end of me! She is all I have!!!!!!!!!

Here is a hug for you too...

(((((SCATTERED)))))



Liese

Thanks Liese

I go to therapy tomorrow, and for some reason I am too scared to go. Somehow I have lost a little bit of trust in my T and wonder if I really can talk to her. That maybe she's pushing me out of my comfort zone for a good reason, or perhaps it's because she is tired of me. She knows what I am going through no - the uncertainty, the emotional chaos and the overall confusion going on, but yet she sticks to her disicion to not let me write her things anymore, but talk about them. How do I tell her everything, when the minute I walk into her rooms, I just become numb with fear to talk and forget everything I wanted to say in the first place. I used to be able to email her and get at least a little response out of her, but now, she still replies, but ignores completely what I have said. Agh, I really don't know anymore. She keeps telling me that if I really feel that I am not getting anything out of therapy that I am welcome to leave - does she maybe want me to leave? Am I just one of those cases that healing isn't possible, that there isn't healing, because this is just the way I am and all that happened to me, was my own doing??? I keep making the wrong choices in therapy anyway, and say the wrong things, or don't say anything at all. That I long so for her to be a mother, that I am missing the whole plot....
What do I do? I'm going crazy with fear of rejection and shame for expressing my neediness.