Hi Cat,

I come here sometimes when I am lonely. I too am struggling with being alone. I am having a hard time not turning to my vice for relief too.

Do you have any pets? I usually hug my dog but even she is sort of aloof and thwarts my efforts to connect.

I would be happy to chat with you tonight.

What's going on for you? Are you experiencing insomnia as well?

Jo

Jo

Wow, I just happened to turn my computer on, and here you are!

I don't know what's going on with me. I'm just so lonely. I wonder if it's because my T is going out of town. It's sort of an old feeling for me. I just can't overcome it today.

I have a cat, but she is still living with my not ex yet-husband.

Maybe that's it. Maybe that's why I'm lonely. I just moved out 4 months ago. Maybe I'm just adjusting to my new life.

Anyway, it's cool that you're here now.

How are you this evening?

Oh I am glad you came back.

It helps to know there is someone out there at this moment to talk with a little bit.

Just so you know I will be sort of in and out all night. I am cleaning my place etc.

I have a lot going on in my life right now that is difficult. That's partly why I have not been in this forum for a while and when I do it is sporadic.

Going through a divorce is can be very lonely. And not having your kitty too. That's gotta be hard. And on top of that your T is out of town.

I have aging parents and they are frail enough that my siblings and I are taking over their care. It is amazing how much that brings up from the past. OMG. Overwhelming. Not to mention that you start to see the weirdness in all your siblings 10 fold. I mean we even have one sister who we thought was plotting to kill my mom. Yes it got that crazy. Leaves me reeling and feeling alone too.

I don't want to overwhelm you too much.

quote:

Originally posted by catgirl:
I wonder if it's because my T is going out of town. It's sort of an old feeling for me.

I bet a large part of your feeling lonely is that your T is going out of town. When someone who is critically important to you emotionally essentially "leaves" you, you're going to be lonely (and maybe angry, too).

It's an old feeling for me, too. Very very old. While it's probably not a good idea to wallow in it, I'm not sure that it's best to totally ignore it, either. Loneliness is an extremely powerful emotion, and feeling it is hard, but I don't think that's an entirely bad thing.

When I'm really lonely, I try to connect the feeling with my childhood, when I often felt alone and excluded, and I usually end up sobbing a little.

Hang in there.
Russ

[QUOTE]Originally posted by catgirl:
I just moved out 4 months ago. Maybe I'm just adjusting to my new life.QUOTE]

Hang in there Catgirl... going through a divorce is tough. There are alot of new things to adjust to.

I am also no stranger to being lonely and while talking to my T about it, he once suggested that in addition to the lonely feelings, maybe I was also feeling "Aloness". i.e. It's hard to get used to your own company, and if you have been married for awhile (in my case 15 years) you really haven't had time to just be with yourself.

When I'm really feeling lonely, I will often visit my "old friends" which is my music collection and write in my Journal. There are usually tears, but it helps me to connect with what might be causing the problem at the time.

I hope this makes some sense...
MP

Jo-
It sounds like you're dealing with lots of crazy stuff with your family! My mom died on May 26, 2008. I know how these family difficulties show you all of the weirdnesses of your family. Sorry that you're going through all of that! Thanks for being here last night. I hope you got to sleep after all.

Russ,
I think it does have a lot to do with my T going away. When she's in town, I feel like she's with me when she's not with me. When she's out of town, I feel like she's forgetting about me and out having fun with her husband (sometimes I'm so jealous of him). I have no access to her. She's going to write me little letters for each day that we usually have contact when she's gone, so that will help. I'll have something tangible to hold.
I know that I shouldn't wallow in the lonely feelings, but it's amazing how they keep creeping up no matter what I'm doing.

Missing Piece-
Thanks for the support. I did play some of my old music yesterday in an attempt to feel comforted. It was nice. It's strange. In my marriage, I was alone emotionally the whole time, just like I was as a child. But somehow, having the presence of another person feels so different than being alone. My T says one of my root problems is the abandonment/alone issues. So, I guess it's something I have to deal with.


Anyone else have ideas of how to deal with these feelings? Do the rest of you feel this loneliness at a deep level? Does it come from abandonment in childhood? Has anyone worked through it and come out the other side?

Meow,

Catgirl

Hi Catgirl,

loneliness is a bit of a weird one. I had a period a few months back when I just couldn't connect with another human soul, despite so urgently wanting to share myself. I would be amongst people and just feel so far away, so un-understandable (is there a proper word for this??? incomprehensible???) I could have been one of those little green fellows from Mars!

At other times I would feel being completely overpowered by other people's signals, energies, just jostled and mentally pushed about, which made me want to be by myself.

At the moment it feels a little more balanced. I grab what little companionship there is to be had in the big concrete jungle - and there is some, in surprising corners, now that I am a little bit more able to reveal myself. But I do realise that I also need a fair amount of time/space to myself, something I never really had as a child, my mum being of the push me/pull me variety.

So, I do think feelings of loneliness can be rooted in the past, but there is also missing present contact /love - and t's on holiday & separation are a bummer (I also have a 'not ex yet-husband' must remember that one, brilliant!)! But I'm so jealous, your t is writing you LETTERS??? From her holiday???? wow!

Anyway, where the tough stuff comes in for me is when i feel shit and there is only me to deal with it, what DO I do about it??? I mostly still start internally shouting at myself for being an idiot and causing this 'bad' situation one way or the other. In my head i can tell it's not going to be particularly helpful but still, I do it.

Does this make sense???
SB

quote:

Originally posted by SongBird:

Anyway, where the tough stuff comes in for me is when i feel shit and there is only me to deal with it, what DO I do about it??? I mostly still start internally shouting at myself for being an idiot and causing this 'bad' situation one way or the other. In my head i can tell it's not going to be particularly helpful but still, I do it.

Does this make sense???
SB

SB,

I do this too. It's what my T calls 'mode A.' Mode A is the impenetrable bubble of suffering that I exist in when I feel awful. When I'm in that place, nothing can comfort me.

I think this is because whatever interior system I had in place before last May - whatever sense of Self I had - that I could fall back on completely failed, and now I have no inner structure to stand on or take refuge in when I feel bad.

My hope is that little by little, unconsciously, a new Self is being constructed, this time out of real emotional connections and not failed coping strategies from childhood, which basically created a house of cards on which my personality rested, and then slowly collapsed.

Russ

quote:

When I'm in that place, nothing can comfort me

yep Russ, that rings a bell! What I discovered helps me is doing GENTLE exercises with some nice incense/candle/sunshine in that time and it somewhat brings me back from hell. Unless I have to do stuff and function and then it just gets worse.

But it sounds like you have dissolved the big, big cage of the past, and even if that is more painful to exist with, it's a huge achievement! And if you've done that new ways of living will surely follow!

SB

quote:

Originally posted by SongBird:
But it sounds like you have dissolved the big, big cage of the past

Thanks, SB. The big cage actually began slowly dissolving 17 years ago when I had my first anxiety attack on a train in Europe. That was the first card at the top of the house to fall.

I had about 6-10 of those attacks a year since then, all ably managed with anti-anxiety meds. Well, my psyche decided it'd had enough and brought the whole rickety mess down in a major crash last year.

Bit by bit, how and why I've come to this place is starting to make some sense. It's all about having created a Self based on coping strategies, compensation habits and self-negating beliefs internalized from mom and dad instead instead of forming an authentic, solid Self based on real connections and healthy attachments.

The gap between the necessary false Self and my true Self (which has been buried since childhood) finally became too much, and an emotional train wreck was the result.

Like a broken record, it all goes back to the parents, and I think a lot of us here - in varying forms and degrees - have experienced this train wreck between the false Self and the Soul. And when you're pulling yourself out of the rubble of that collision, and all the people around you are living their lives as they normally do, it's a kind of aloneness that brings you to your knees.

Russ

Hi everybody... this This is my first post. I spent most of yesterday in bed and reading all the posts I could on tranference. This morning I turned on my computer as soon as I woke up to check my email... I'm eagerly awaiting a response from my T because I let her know, via email yesterday, about the strong feelings I've developed for her in such a short amount of time. (I'm a lesbian) It is so embarrassing!

Anyway... about the lonliness. I'm very lonely right now. I broke up with my partner (hopefully for the last time) just recently. I also have been laid off and I started drinking again. I know I've fallen into depression. Right now I'm fighting to just get myself out of bed!. I might go see a movie at 1240....knowing.... it will kill a couple of hours.

Well... I don't want to keep rambling... I'm sorry I didn't really stick to the topic... I just wanted to start somewhere and get some of this out.

E

welcome E. Hope this place helps you as much as it does me.

Robin

Hi E, and welcome to the forum! You are not rambling at all, just telling us how you feel and finding a great place for it too!

Sounds like you are having a pretty double-rotten time at the moment and so ever braver you told your t about you feelings! The transference train has passed me by so far. It seems such a scary and intense feeling to experience that I'm not sure I'd cope with it!

I hope your t will be able to get back to you before too long, I'd be sooooo scared how mine would respond. In the meantime, keep posting!

Russ

17 years of anxiety attacks sound hardcore! Are you still experieceig hose or have they stopped for you if you don't mind me asking?

Reading what you say about "this train wreck between the false Self and the Soul": is that where some of the loneliness comes from? Because, at least in my case, if I'm not 'with' myself, i must feel lonely (if that make sense...) - thanks for that!

SB

quote:

Originally posted by SongBird:

Are you still experieceig hose or have they stopped for you if you don't mind me asking?
SB

Hi SB,

The "classic" 3am anxiety attacks I used to get, where I'd wake up with waves of fear, then take a Klonopin and be fine in 30 minutes and no worse for wear the next day, don't happen anymore. But they've been replaced by something much worse, which is essentially chronic fear, which then leads to depression because being afraid all the time w/out knowing why is, well, really depressing.

So, my symptoms have changed, but not yet for the better. I guess it's from all this digging around in the dark regions of my mind.

As for the loneliness, I'm not really sure where it comes from. I think it's probably just a by-product of feeling awful all the time. Sorry to sound like such a downer, but I've been struggling with this curse since last May and it's really hard.

Russ

Hello E.
I am glad you are here. I am a Lesbian as well. We are human beings and there is nothing to be embarrassed about. I know it can be hard sometimes, but Be proud of who you are. I to went through a terrible breakup that and childhood issues is why I began counseling. My T and I just recently had a bump in the road but we worked it out. My transference issues were a little different than yours. I am in college and I am going to be a forensic psychologist. I started to see my T as more of a mentor than a counselor. It took a lot of courage to tell her. I was afraid to go in because of the bump in the road we had just had. When I went in anyway, she told me she admired my courage and it went from there. My T let me know it was okay for me to tell her anything or anything I was feeling. It was like a fifty pound weight had been taken off my shoulders. My point is, it took a lot of courage for you to tell your T what you were feeling. Hang in there and do not bee afraid to talk to her and tell her what you are feeling. You have a lot of courage. I am sure your T will be able to help you. I can not say I know what you are feeling, but I empathize. A break up is awful and it hurts emotionally and physically. However, with time it does get better. I am available if you need anyone to talk to. Welcome and hang in there.

Thank you Robin, Russ, SB and Tina! No word yet from my T. I appreciate the words of encouragement and wisdom from your past experiences. I'm looking forward to using this site as a tool to my "healing". I have alot of shit to deal with from my childhood. I thought I had dealt with all this years ago but low and behold... I still can't handle relationships to the extent that I would like, nor can I get a handle on abusing alcohol. Anyway, I hope you all had a good day.

E

First of all, welcome E! I'm glad you found this site and I hope it helps you. I'm sorry your feeling lonely and I hope that your T will respond soon. You have a lot going on, but telling your T was a smart move! Let us know how it goes.

Catgirl- I'm sorry you are feeling so lonely. I hope today was a better day. When I get lonely, I write. And cry. And sleep. I don't know if sleeping is healthy, but in the moment, it sounds GREAT! I also try to get out- go to a store and walk around. I don't get lonely very often though, moreso depressed and isolated.

Anywho, I hope you are feeling a little better today. Coming here when you are lonely is good too!

-CT

Welcome, E! I'm new here, too.

Sounds like you're dealing with a lot right now! I hope you hear from your T soon! I hope today was better than yesterday.


CT-
I am much better today! Thank you!

I got to see my therapist. I love seeing her. But, she's going away for 2 weeks. She gave me a little letter to read each day that she would have seen me. That was really kind of her. She also said she'd call me tomorrow after seeing her last client. She said that I'll be the last client she talks to before she leaves. I'm doing okay with all of it right now. We'll see how it goes over the next couple of weeks. I'm gonna try to give all of this therapy stuff a break, and sort of take a vacation from it myself.

Thanks for the ideas. I love to sleep when I feel lonely or sad, too. It might not be the best thing to do, but it makes time pass. Also, our bodies heal when we sleep, and maybe we need it.

catgirl

I miss my therapist. She's out of town for two weeks.

I usually see her on Mon and Wed, and she calls me on Fridays. So, it's so hard to not have any contact with her.

She gave me 6 short letters for when she's gone, one for each day that I usually have contact with her. I have been strictly instructed to open them on the day that I usually talk with her. So, I opened one on Wed., and I get to open one tomorrow, Yay! I'm counting time based on these cards. 1 down, 5 to go!

I'm still having strong feelings of anxiety when I think about the fact that she's gone. My chest squeezes and I feel like I can't breathe. Then, I try to say, "Okay, all I have to do is _____ right now." and I try to be in the moment. It doesn't always work, but it sometimes does.

I JUST MISS HER!