((Exploring)) I can relate to some of the things you wrote. I too am training to become a therapist...and I can attest to the things you wrote also

Your T sounds pretty awesome. I'm glad you can feel her love. Her saying "it's okay for you to be special" must have been so amazing and healing to hear. My T hasn't ever said anything like that, but she can look at me with really warm eyes and I just love that connection. My T is on vacation too (it's short and she didn't take off any time during the holidays...so, I must not complain too much).

Sorry you're feeling lonely. Hugs to you! And welcome!

(((exploring)))

I like your name I think it fits with the entire adventure of therapy... such an inward exploration.

I relate to the fear of posting, I've had many a thing taken down because it's so hard for me to keep all these details out there but I feel like it's a wonderful trade off to experience being accepted and understood by others who have very often felt similar things.

It's so interesting to hear of the other side of therapy, it's all too easy to idealize (I love the way SP put it!! )

Glad you are here, and best wishes with your training. I'm sorry things feel so lonely now, and hope reaching out here will help ease some of that pain

Exploring: I love how you so poignantly phrased this:

"A. G., thank you for the personal response to my "say anything" post! I had the sense of being an anonymous passenger on a crowded subway, and you made eye contact with me and smiled at me. Brought tears to my eyes."

Welcome! T.

((((Exploring)))) welcome!! i am glad you're here and sharing. thanks for window into a T's world ... it's an interesting thought that the boundaries are there not only to protect the client, but to allow the T to put the client first. it must be tough for them, too, at times.

i'm sorry you're feeling so lonely. i hope you can find a little comfort here ... there's lots of really caring, wonderful and smart people here.

(((Exploring)))

{{EXPLORING)) I am also sorry that you are feeling the pain of being lonely, and feeling abandoned,its so tough emotionally to go through that. Its nice to be reminded that at times, we do put our T's on pedestals, and your right telling us that their lives can be messy just like ours. I try hard to see my T as a very real person, and not a lifesaver, because it helps me not to be so intimidated and withdrawn. Like your T, my T is also on vacation right now for 3 weeks, and was not around much in December, and it is hard not to feel abandoned, and that creates many other hurtful feelings. I can really relate to your statement about your T being the first person you reached out to for help with your emotional needs, that is the same for me. I think it sounds like your T is pretty connected to you, and what a wonderful compliment she gave you calling you "Special". Keep those positive thoughts close to you. I wish you the best in T School, and hope you get to see your T real soon.

(((Exploring))) I'm so glad it helped! One of my favorite quotes (it's a sign in my Great Room) is from Aesop: "An act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted." I know how much difference that can make, especially on a tough day, so I am delighted that on this particular day I could be the source.

Thank you for what you said about how therapists feel about their clients.' Their is an inherent ambiguity in the relationship because of the boundaries that can make it difficult to know. I also appreciate you reinforcing the importance of the boundaries. I have often been angry about them and can hate them with the burning heat of a 1000 burning suns but I have also truly experienced how important they are and how they protect me and my work.

I am sorry you're feeling abandoned; I'm sure this break happening without sufficient notice is not helping. If it helps, remind yourself that even though it feels like you are abandoned, the truth is that you are not and your T will be back.

As for not getting out of bed, I totally agree with Pengs! Sometimes getting out of bed is highly overrated. It's ok to take it a little easier and give yourself permission to ease off while dealing with this. I also suspect that some of it is the despair we sink into after we've finished protesting the absence of our attachment figure. These are powerful, primitive feelings which you really can't think or talk yourself out of. I am very happy to see you are reaching out here to connect. I hope it helps and that the three weeks go by much faster than I am sure you are anticipating.

AG

Exploring - loveloveLOVE your name!!
your words are so beautiful and honest and pure. I think you will be an amazing(!!!) therapist.
I'm so sorry you're feeling so lonely and abandoned. But she cares and is thinking about you. and she will be back.


oh, SP - you made me giggle...a lot. I needed that today

I want to respond individually, but first I want to say that I feel almost speechless at the breadth of perspectives offered here. It's astonishing--I feel like I can see this moment in my life in a way that transcends time, like I am gaining/have gained an understanding of myself that I will be able to hold onto and reflect upon, later.

Holding on--to a concept, a person, a moment, an emotion--has never been something I have grasped very well.

So, thank you so much for the comments and hugs, and also thank you to those who read my little commentary.

I wrote a long response, but somehow most of it disappeared! Rats! Not sure why. Will recreate later.

Exploring, the forum software has a tendency to hiccup every once in a while, so I have gotten in the habit of writing in another program such as Wordpad or Word, then copying and pasting into the reply window to prevent that horrible frustration of typing in a long post only to lose it. I know a number of other members do the same. Probably because we've all been burnt at one time or another.

I apologize that this response is so delayed--that certainly does not reflect the degree of comfort and perspective I gained from your responses. I really entered survival mode in a lot of ways, though, and it can be hard to write while eating C-rations in a bunker.

Smiling Penguin--your reassurance that my T would come back and your gentle inquiry as to whether I would post when she does--well, a couple of metaphors came to mind but neither was just right. Suffice it to say, I suppose, that it really helped. You know how, when you have to get a shot, the kindness of the medical professional makes all the difference? Same experience as when he or she is condescending, but it feels totally different. It was like that. Also, what you wrote about your T made me laugh. My T is actually an exception to the rule there, too--her life is tranquil and her perspective unwaveringly steady. How could it be otherwise? :-)

Erica--I was glad to learn that you are also in T school! Interesting contrast to have clients and to be a client, isn't it? Sort of like to have a mother and to be a mother (don't know if you have children.) It's a different role entirely, but definitely the other side of the same coin. You are right that hearing her "It's okay for you to be special" was healing, but I didn't allow it entirely in at first. Actually, your comment and description of your T's gaze helped me with that. So, thank you.

Armored Heart, thank you for your comment about my chosen name-- reminded me of when my sister complimented a previously disliked shirt. Suddenly I saw it in a new way. :-) The other side of T is interesting. I feel like this site affords a glimpse of what it is like to those who post encouragement to others--that's a lot like what it is like to be a T. The compassion and empathy and desire to be helpful are the same, in my experience. Reaching out here has helped a lot. I saw that you recently posted that you are going to tone down your involvement with the forum for a bit? It sounds like you are staying in tune with what is helpful to you--I think that is great. I do hope I continue to see you here.

TAS--I felt good when you complimented the way I phrased something, especially since I admire your writings. Thank you! :-)

Closed Doors--Thanks for the welcome! You are right that it is tough for Ts too. Remember the scene in the Wizard of Oz when the wizard is revealed to be only a man like other men? It is like that. The boundaries prevent the client, ideally, from witnessing too much of the T's struggles. I picture it like relationships only having so much energy possible. In a friendship, each gets an equal amount. In therapy, the extreme limitation of energy spent on the T means that the client gets far more than would be possible otherwise. This is necessary, although it creates a strange dynamic: the T, who is not what the therapy is about at all, becomes extremely valuable to the client as the source of such unusual support and validation. It's almost like the importance the client has in the relationship is experienced by the client as the therapist's importance. I guess the mirror is held up in both directions in therapy, huh?

Eme--I am sorry you are going through this too!! And to have just gone through it over the holidays on top of that. You are right, it creates a lot of hurt feelings to be "abandoned." What really hurt me was the casual way my T informed me, only one week in advance, that this was happening. I couldn't believe she did that in what felt like a careless and irresponsible manner. That is what makes me think she has no experience as a client--she could not be so cavalier if she knew what this felt like. At least, that's how it feels. Or--maybe she just forgot to tell me. But the casualness and the lack of planning or suggestions for coping or interim support brought up sadness, disbelief, withdrawal, and shame. It's hard to rely on someone, isn't it?

Attachment Girl--I feel like your name could be my name. My mother told me several years ago that she thought I had been born with an "attachment disorder." When I learned how such a disorder develops, I felt like she was trying to "attach" her errors onto me. How could I have been responsible for the way our relationship developed, when I was an infant? I am fascinated by attachment now, and, in fact, have written multiple papers on it at this point. I find your understanding of it and ability to explain it phenomenal. When you suggested that the despair we sink into follows our protestation of our attachment figure's absence, I was astounded. That more than resonated--it vibrated within my soul. Yes! That was what was happening! I never understood it that way before. My protesting was all internal, because I never let my T see the degree to which I depend on her. Well, in my writings I sometimes do, but that is different somehow. Thank you for a paradigm-shifting perspective.

Lucy--glad you like my name! I like the way you put things. Your simple reassurance went right to my heart. You are right--she will be back. It is just hard to endure it, but your phrasing sort of greased the squeaky, stuck wheel a bit. You strike me as unassuming and kind. I really like that and hope you give yourself credit for it. :-)

Once again--thank you all for offering a stranger such nourishing support. The generosity here is powerful.

(((((Everyone))))) :-)

(((EXPLORING)))

Just saying hi. I've enjoyed reading your thread and have gotten invaluable insights from what you share, both here and on others' threads.

Liese, thank you! That means a lot to me. I worry sometimes about whether I am communicating effectively--I'm glad to know you have appreciated my thoughts and this thread.

Have to go, but :-D