((((AFFINITY))))

Cut off your head? I am just kidding, of course. I struggled with what you are struggling with and the longings never went away. I think they didn't go away because there was always a chance they would be fulfilled when I saw T. He was so damn close. I have no answers for you. Sorry. But I do know how hard it is and it's one of the things I hate about therapy.

I think stuff like ET and any transference really is a way to "play things out". I used to run my T around in my mind and assume she was meaning horrible things - it was playing out my need to express fear. Yours is tenderness... Perhaps intimacy, sharing something special, continuing love. Sex can be representational... For example of you've seen sex as the only way you have value to someone.,, then it may make sense to think that if you felt close and wanted to stay close to your T... Sexual feelings will come up.

Affection can be expressed all kinda of ways - and often they are good to discuss. A problem I have that stems from a fear of people knowing too much about me is saying thank you. I tell my Ts or others thank yous in voicemails or letters. Sometimes so overwhelmed by the gratitude I feel that I feel like if they knew or saw I'm person they would emotionally injure me on purpose. Honestly.

I express it every time I can tell my T a bit more.., she has made me see that now. I will say thanks and have brought a small gift or two over the years. My T doesn't let me meet her needs, so I can't do what I do in a friendship... It comes out in trusting her and myself ... It's really all I can do in therapy for my T.

Affinity... when you say you long to express affection I'm not sure what you mean. How do you want to express it and do you mean affection as in loving feelings or are you talking about sexual feelings?

I can only speak for myself... I do long to just even talk to my T about what I feel for him. In my case there are loving feelings in a more parental way. I am attached to him and feel very grateful and affectionate towards him (when I don't want to kick him in the shins ) Sometimes I really long to have this open, honest, heart to heart talk to him about this but I can't get past the extreme fear. The thing is that I know my T would welcome hearing my feelings and they would not scare him or put him off. He often tells me how he feels about me... that I'm important and that he cares about me and has an attachment to me. I'm still too scared to talk to him about MY feelings. And at times, the longing is painful and lingers after I leave his office. I think this contributes to my shutting him out and making him disappear from my brain... I'm trying to stop the pain of longing.

You may be using some of the ET as a way to distract yourself from the core issues. I do have an idea that if your T ever made a move your way that you would freak out and run. Which means it's probably not about what you think. Touch is also important to me and we have incorporated an occasional small touch but I am so scared of T that beyond shaking hands that is about all I can handle.

You could show your feelings by doing something creative for T... drawing a picture, or painting or making him a card. I find the use of cards every effective. My T likes when I can allow my inner kid into the room and so she has made him a couple of cards with drawings on them. You could also burn a CD with songs you find meaningful.

You could also just sit and tell him.

I know how hard this can be.

TN

quote:

Cut off your head?

(((Liese))) I can't say the idea hasn't crossed my mind.

(((Cat))) I love the idea of expressing affection through trust. I've been thinking about that a lot since I read your response. Thank you.

(((TN))) I've thought a lot about drawing a picture or giving him some music. Just haven't brought myself to do it yet. I'm terrified that he wouldn't accept it.

(((Draggers))) I love that you love my threads. I think it's wonderful that your T holds you. I will definitely consider telling my T more about how I feel. I think it would make for a great session.

Catalyst, I agree that our way of expressing our love for the therapist depends on how we think about love, or what love is.
I just want to add to Affinity that I learned a lot about transference by reading Bolby on the web and reading his articles about transference. I select the free ones, of course. Kohut is really good, too and some of his are free to read or print out. Balint is good, too.