Hi Spooky,

Nice to meet you. I had a little trouble following the whole story. But, I hate when people lie and you know they are lying but it feels like everyone else is on their side and there's nothing you can do. It's one of the most powerless feelings.

The problem here with your ex-wife is that when people don't want something to happen, when they really don't want something to happen, they will resort to almost anything to make sure it doesn't happen. You don't mention how old your daughter is. And, she is really the only one who can reveal the truth of what you are saying but she may be too scared to do that.

My H's parents got divorced and his Dad remarried the most evil, manipulative woman I have ever met. First she had my H's sister testify against her own mother in court and later when the stepmother had trouble with H's Dad, the stepmother had H's sister testify against her own father in court. I'm not commenting here on whether or not the mom and dad should have been testified against. But the problem here was, the stepmother didn't care about H's sister. She was using her as pawn. After H's sister testified against the Dad and the stepmother got a protective order against the Dad and the Dad actually had to leave the state, the stepmother left the state also (to look for a new man) and left H's sister at the age of 16 by herself for a year in the care of a "tenant".

And, now H's sister is scarred for life, a barely functioning adult. So you need to think very carefully here about your daughter and just who are these other people you are dealing with and how far they will go and what they will put her through to get what they want.

Is there a chance here that you can record your visits with your daughter so that you have independent proof that you are not saying the things she says you are saying? Or make sure you have someone else with you who would be able to testify what happens during the visitations.?

Spooky, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It's absolutely awful what people do to each other and to children.


On the other hand, spooky, if there is some truth to what they are saying, maybe for your daughter's sake you need to take a look at yourself and see how you can improve. She deserves and needs to have two loving parents. And by that I am talking about your ex-wife as well.

Best of luck to you.

Hi spooky...

It's hard to follow exactly what is happening in your story, but it strikes me that you kind of seem to want your counselor to "fix" the situation by intervening- which most counselors will not do, it's like- the first rule, that you don't interfere with people's lives and decisions, they are only there to be a guide in finding the solutions that make sense to you. So, what worries me is that your counselor would have called your dauther's mom at all, even though I can understand how she would be tempted to do so, since your daughter is presumably a child, can't sleep at your house, is probably suffering terribly in ways that you don't imagine right now. She is being used as a pawn to "win" battles right now, and that is a terrible position to put her in. So it seems like you really want to have your time with her, parenting her, and being a really good fatherly influence on her. So my suggestion to you is this: you cannot possibly use your counselor to make your wife change her awful behavior. You have absolutely no control over the things that your ex does sadly, not even the things that will affe3ct your child very adversely. But you can use your counselor to help you come up with options that can minimize the inevitable damage your child will suffer in this situation. Ask her to help you become the absolute best father you can be for your daughter, which will require quite a bit of sacrifice, self-reflection, and painful change to accomplish. It's really hard work to be in therapy, but it can be very helpful for making the changes that you want to make. If you develop a strong caring and safe environment for your daughter at your home, then she will not have so much trouble sleeping there, but will want to be with you! Of course, because children respond to love for them, which they crave and badly need and deserve. So step out of the triangle with your ex, her BF, and the counselor- and into focusing on your child's emotional needs- a strong, loving and sacrificial father will do wonders for your child. Trust me on that. Will you fail at times? Of course- everyone does. But when you do you can apologize to her, and that will heal the hurt. And, of course it is absolutely crucial not to get drawn into fighting with your ex in front of your child- never, because that will be very detrimental for her. So just politely say: "I'm sorry but I can't talk about this right now, but we can talk about this privately somewhere, if you like."

Best wishes on your challenging parenting journey- it is no easy to be a single parent, that's for sure, and especially with an uncooperative spouse- I hope that viewing your behavior and non-defensiveness will make your ex start to want to put your child first.

Sincerely,

BB

Your daughter is paramount in all this - she sounds like she is suffering from all the adults around her fighting, lying, bitching and not caring for her emotional needs. All the adults need to step up and get their shit together. There is one sad child amongst it all.

Go back to basics with your daughter, take away the fears, listen to her, see things from her shoes.

There are lots of us here as adults - in our 20's, 30's, 40's and 50's - who were that sad little child when all the parents and adults around us let us down and no one helped us. Be the person who steps up for her and is there for HER, so she can feel safe. If she feels safe and secure - she will start to sleep. If she doesn't feel safe with any of the adults - she is going to need a lot of support.

Perhaps you need to go back to your lawyer. The counselor is all well and good to have, but there seem to be some legal issues here as well. (but I find it sort of hard to follow)

Thanks for the replies. I can't say I'm surprised it's hard for you to follow, it was late, I'm sick and tired of dealing with this, and knowing where to stop with the details isn't easy. I'll try to respond to the common thoughts and questions.

Let me give a little background on the relationship with my daughter and maybe clear up some of the confusion. I adopted my daughter when she was barely 3, ex asked for a divorce one year to the day later. About a year later she started having similar issues. It started with crying and missing her mom around bedtime, typically very suddenly. The first time it was like a switch was flipped. After a few months it got to the point where I'd pick her up from school at 3:30, she'd immediately just start wailing “Mommy whoa mommy... I miss you... mama mama mommy...” and she'd still be doing it when I put her to bed at 8:30. She was fine all during the next day and during days she wasn't staying overnight. This was when I first wanted to get a counselor involved, and the ex was okay with it until I had an appointment scheduled. That's when she said “It only happens with you, so it's your problem. Fix it without her. I'm not giving consent and if you take her without it I'll have you arrested.” At the time I couldn't find a counselor that didn't require signed permission from both parents. So this continued a little over a year longer. Finally she was calling her mother and bothering her so much she decided counseling was a good idea. She did want the credit for it though, telling me “I never withdrew my consent, you never gave me the paper to sign.” That counselor, who was too busy this time last year to go back to, helped us build a great relationship that aside from this is unchanged if not better. I've gotten many compliments on my parenting and our relationship. I've been to counseling, taken a seminar on parenting after divorce, and of the main figures in all of this I'm the only one to be willing to look at myself. If it would help and I wasn't living to paycheck to paycheck I'd be willing to talk to a counselor more. Right now, when she's here during the day, she's fine. Isn't unhappy, bored, or scared. We play games, watch TV, laugh and tease each other, and have a great time. I can't say for sure but I think she behaves better with me, I don't remember the last time I did something like take away TV privileges for even a day but she lost them at her mom's for a week recently. Does her chores and minds my rules without a lot of noise. But she doesn't want to sleep here. Doesn't know why (at least not consistently), doesn't think she can, and refuses to try. Which until my ex refused to let me take her, the counselor was okay with me telling her “you need to try, so just stay here tonight”. BTW, the “I think it's hard and I won't be able to so I won't try” seems to be coming up in other areas of her life.

As far as the counselor... Yes, I do want her to intervene. A 9 year old girl is being used as a tool to manipulate her dad to bend to the will of others. That seems like abuse to me. If it didn't end up in court I'd be fine with that, I just want the others to work with me for what's in her best interest. However, they're saying “screw the counselor's advice, let her suffer, eventually we'll be able to make her so uncomfortable either he'll get his rights taken away or she wont' want to be around him anymore.” These people have proven their wants come before her needs and nothing I say will convince them otherwise.

Now the counselor is saying my daughter is reporting I'm asking about her mom, my dad, and his wife. Talking about how we don't get along and asking what they're saying about me and the fight. Doesn't happen. Period. The only time it's come up here is when she brings it up or mentions discussions I've had with them about her that I didn't tell her about. Twice since the first of the year BTW. Where is this coming from? Is the counselor also saying that at their request? Is my daughter telling the counselor that at their request? If it's happening why didn't the counselor bring it up with me? It's not a simple matter of “get a new counselor for a second opinion”. If I take that route the response will be “you want to change because she's backing us up” and “you're not following the counselor's advice, I'm taking you to court”.


But I'm not here for myself, not here for daughter or dad, I'm here about the counselor. The ex tells me “Counselor says this”. Counselor says “No, I didn't say that.” Counselor admits they're mishandling the situation and things they do upset daughter, but won't confront them. Exwife breaks the law and says “I can do this because counselor says” and counselor says “No, I didn't say that”. Ex goes to counselor and says “I need you to write a letter” and counselor says “Okay, what should it say?”. Letter says “I'm going back on what I've been saying for months and backing exwife. Daughter says things she tells her dad she's not saying and I haven't said a word to him about this even though it's been happening the whole time.” I ask counselor why and she misdirects to avoid some questions, but admits to doing things exwife wants. Is that normal counselor behavior?

hmmm...I see what you mean. She seem to be saying two things at once, to appease you and ex "in the moment?"

If you are convinced that she is changing her story- and you really can't switch counselors, then I would work to appease her, be as open kind and friendly as you can manage to be in order to manage her counter-transference, just so that your daughter can have her time with you. No I don't think, based on what you've said here, that it is normal counselor behavior to say one thing, and then do another.

I'm sorry it is so hard...I'm wondering if there is any way you and your ex could each have separate counselors...or would that make things even more complicated and difficult? It just seems like you need an advocate on "your side" and maybe some agreements could be made that way..

I'm sorry you are in such a painful and difficult situation..

BB

I have to chuckle a little. BG, when you asked if the marriage was volatile and if she treats people badly you're pretty much right on target. She and my dad's wife (the three of them are great friends now BTW) are very controlling and my ex even has that reputation around her hometown. We separated several times and she made -everything- my fault. She'd continue a fight with me while our daughter watched, even as I was trying to halt it until she wasn't watching anymore.

And I appreciate you both saying the counselor’s behavior is off. I've got several people I personally know saying it is, but a few impartial people who can't be said are just telling me what I want to hear to back me up is good. So if anyone else here thinks it's off please say so. All I've said here I can back up, so this is pretty solid material if it comes to a fight about who's going to be the counselor.

The stuff about how to talk to my daughter and tell her I don't have a problem with things like missing her mom, which I honestly don't, is the sort of thing I've always done. Even before the first counselor came into the picture I knew she should be okay with admitting such things to me and not being judged or anything for it. But a year into this, I've followed all the advice given, and now the counselor seems to be taking sides or led around creates issues that won't go away on their own. There's gonna be a fight. And all my kindness to the counselor hasn't made her any more consistent or helpful and all my good parenting hasn't resolved the issue. I've played nice long enough and I need to put some pressure on people and get to the bottom of things and help my daughter.

I did talk with my lawyer today and it looks like I can get most of what I want and it doesn't seem like the ex has much of a case against me right now. The sticky part is that our parenting plan includes a part that says we both have to follow the counselor’s advice. Take note of that parents, in case you're ever in my place. This can come back to haunt you. Hopefully I can get something done about the ex not following it, but one issue that simply has to change is that the counselor’s letter recommended psych evaluations for myself and the ex, which is something the counselor admitted was put in by request. She knows we're bound legally and told me my lawyer should be able to get around that part, but he has no idea what makes her think that. As expensive and time consuming as those are I simply can't do it. A week and a half worth of pay and I miss an entire day of work, which is pretty much all my overtime gone. Money's tight and I'm behind on the mortgage to begin with.

As before, feel free to ask questions or make comments, I'll try to answer or give some thought. Thanks again.