I had an intense but really good session with my T this morning. I got really triggered at my last couples appointment because when we were working through a conflict my husband and I had, I realized that I had reacted from an old pattern related to some stuff that has come up repeatedly in recent sessions. While thinking it through and fighting off getting too triggered, I also realized that it was very related to the fact that there has been a very strong erotic attraction to my T recently.
I've talked to him about being attracted to him before and we've definitely spent a lot of time working through issues in our relationship which usually turn out to be my issues about the past working their way out through my relationship with my T. And for a long time it has felt like my feelings for him have been strongly paternal. I'm very uncomfortable about being attracted in a romantic/sexual way both because of my background of sexual abuse and oh yeah, he's my T and off limits. I also worry about an erotic attraction getting in the way of therapy. The paternal thing is actually a pretty good fit for therapy because although the theraputic relationship is an "odd duck" to quote my T, its closest to a parental one.
So as scary as it was, I went in and talked to him about being triggered and working my way through that, and how it related to my feelings about him. I told him that the erotic pull has been very strong lately and we spent the rest of the session discussing my feelings about being sexually attracted and how that plays out in therapy.
He was perfect. He make it clear that he had the boundaries covered and I was safe with him, that this was just one more opportunity to examine my feelings. We talked about how uncomfortable I can be with feeling desire because on a very deep level I believe its wrong no matter what the circumstances and that this was a chance to have a healthy sexual response within a safe relationship where it couldn't be acted on. He was really calm and accepting, didn't get embarrassed or uncomfortable in any way. He reassured me that it was important to discuss, that it was actually kind of flattering but he really didn't think it was anything special about him.
We talked about the whole transference versus "real" feelings and he has a great take on it. They're feelings and real ones. And obviously we've traced some of them back to my past and I talked about how he has provided some things I have been looking for my whole life, a sense of home, security and safety and why wouldn't I be attracted to that? But we also were both able to recognize that I could also be attracted based on things I would find attractive in anyone. So there was no sense of "this is just transference, you don't really feel this for me" nor was there "but of course you're in love with me, I'm really wonderful." I really couldn't have asked for a better response in any way shape or form. This was decidedly NOT a comfortable topic but he made it a lot easier to discuss. He also complimented me on being brave enough to come in and talk about it.
OK, so with those rave reviews, you ask, why is the topic "Losing my grip?" It's been terrifying me ever since. I cannot believe that I said what I did to him. I mean, I sat across from him and basically told him I wanted to sleep with him. And I think I've been trying to deny that I have these feelings for him in any depth for awhile so I'm feeling so stupid. It feels like this can only lead to pain. Its one more time I can long for something I can't have and I've done enough of that. I don't want to feel this way about him. And part of me is just like give me one good reason I shouldn't be running as far and fast as I can. I can't see this ending any way but in a lot of pain. I deeply understand that it would be really horrible for anything to happen (not that I believe he has any reciprocal feelings for me, and if by some far flung chance he did, I'd NEVER know it) and incredibly damagining for me, emotions are irrational and its not stopping me from wanting it. Which just feels pathetic and stupid because NOTHING CAN HAPPEN. But I know I've been doing really good work with him, I have come so far in the last year and a half with him and have really seen a lot of growth but for some reason this feels like I ran smack dab into a brick wall.
I mean, what was I thinking? Why didn't I keep my mouth shut? How much of a hypocrite am I considering I'm always telling everyone else to talk to their Ts about their feelings? It just feels like, I don't know,its just kicking up a lot of pain and a lot of fear. And because of Thanksgiving I don't have an appointment for two weeks, which isn't so bad right now because right now I'm not sure if I ever want to see him again. And why can't I do this melt down IN the session. Why do I wait until I walk out?
Sorry, I am just spewing all over the place, I just really needed to rant.
AG
Original Post
). Thank you so much for saying that to me. And your understanding of the pain of longing helped me get why this is so intense. And you're right, my T can handle anything I throw at him, he really is a remarkable man, which is why I could even go anywhere near this topic in the first place. 
