(((About))) Those feelings of annihilation stem from facing these kinds of losses when you had no resources as a child. I am not being dismissive of the pain you are in, I know it truly feels like death.

My first T retired before we were done our work and that was after my MIL almost died, my best friend died of a heart attack at 53, my mother was diagnosed with cancer and my FIL died. THEN she told me she was retiring. I didn't think I could face it. But the unfortunate thing about pain is that it does not kill us. You will need to grief, this is a deep loss, but the grief will allow you to heal.

Do you know where you are going when you leave? Could you start looking into a therapist in the area where you are going, or finding an online therapist to work with so that your location is irrelevant? If you are feelings so overwhelmed, its not a good idea to try and go this alone. I know the thought of seeing another T is horrible because it wont' be your T, but I thought that when my T retired and ended up with a closer and even more healing relationship with my present T.

I do believe in God and I will keep you in my prayers. My faith in Him also teaches me that He can bring great good even out of evil, I will pray you see that. It will be ok, no matter how very impossible that feels right now.

AG

I'm so sorry it feels so painful right now. This T has obviously been very important to you. In some ways you will always carry the benefits and connection with this person. It can be so scary to let go and trust yourself that you will find the right help in the next place.

Can you stay in contact with this T until you are settled elsewhere? Do they do email\phone contact or skype even? Have you taked in session about it all and how you feel?

Thinking of you.

sb

I haven't talked in session yet about it because I have known for only a few days.

I did not even know I could cry non stop for days....

it still feels so impossible to bear, the thought of losing her. I should never have hoped that i could trust someone, that someone would care, because it makes it worse.

thank you for your replies, i am sorry i cannot find anything positive to say.

About, I am so sorry you are in this situation. AG did really have a good response. Try and stay in today. It's times like these we all wish we could take some of the weight off others. So sorry this is so powerful. This is the hardest part about putting yourself "out there" and letting someone in. You will be okay.

(((((About)))))

Thank you for all your support.

I may have a chance to stay. It is a one chance in a hundred, so I cannot rely too much on it for now, but I am "better". At least I am trying to do something about it. Those past days have been an emotional roller-coaster (and my T has been amazing about it.... one more reason to not want to leave her.)

I will.... post more as it develops.

[taking the beginning down, too afraid of bringing bad luck. let's say I may have a chance of staying where I want to stay]

The... regrettable thing is that I will know whether I am allowed to come back AFTER I have left for the summer (my initial study permit is ending soon). So I will leave, hoping I will be back, but not knowing for sure. And I am terrified of not saying goodbye to my T.
And terrified generally speaking. I can't seem to sleep without nightmares waking me up all the time, I end every day crying and shaking, just because of the general anxiety I feel all the time. But mostly, I am so afraid of not being 'preparing myself' for losing my T. And you know, she is really really awesome. And I so don't want to lose someone else.

I am so afraid because I won't know whether I will lose her or not before leaving her.

I am sorry, I am posting again and whining. Can you tell me it's going to be fine? I don't think you can.

Sorry for posting again, I am definitely trying to process all those things, and the anxiety.

So. I won't know whether I am saying goodbye forever or just a month to my T when I will leave her. How do I prepare for that? How do I keep the two possibilities in my mind?

Attachment Girl: it does have to do with other pains of losing people, my parents leaving... And I know that all those feelings connect and explain why this "is the end of the world".
I have a T planned for when I get back to France, new one, not sure how good, but at least existing. And it would just be for one month, as I will not stay in France. Even if that's part of the problem: if I don't get that study permit, I am basically left with nothing, as it will be too late to go to another program.
I am so hoping I can stay, and afraid something goes wrong again.

Smilingpenguin: thank you for your answer. I wish I could process this loss. Or maybe not. The uncertainty keeps me both hoping which is good, but also prevents me from processing the loss. I got a sort of miracle by being allowed into the program, I 'just' need one more thing and I will be able to stay. At the same time, this does not reassure me on my ability to deal with that pain later.

sapphire-blue: I have talked about it with my T, but it still feels overwhelming. And while she is willing to help with the transition, if necessary.... in the end, it would still be a loss. She won't do long-term long-distance.

Veryhopeful: I am trying to take it one day at a time, it just is so difficult, because I absolutely want to plan, to prepare, to "figure it out" before it happens.

ghost girl: thank you.


Ramblings: we have prepared, with my T, a plan for if I am coming back, but... not if I am not. I can't talk about it. Or think about it. She asks whether/what I want. And.... nothing. It is just the blackhole. There is no small fixing, small things to "support me with that". It feels like... dying. There is no helping. It just is, how could I bargain with it?
I don't know ho to process this "gosh, I don't kno which way it's going to go" thing. I ish I could relax, but that does not seem to be possible.

How would you prepare for parting with your T without knowing whether you are ever going to see them again?

I guess your silence means there is no right way to do that. It's gonna hurt any way, and there is no solution. It's okay, I understand you have no answer for me, but I need answers, so at least, I'll try to give them to myself, I'll pretend I have answers.

(or it means it is a stupid question, and i was stupid for asking it, but i know it is pointless to listen to that voice).

It is going to be okay. I will talk to myself, I will be fine. It will be fine. I will... prepare as if I was leaving for good. Prepare a drawing for the T. So I am ready if I don't come back. That's messy. I'll try to control things, to prevent them from hurting. Isn't it what I always do, try to control them. The childhood T used to say it was my problem and I should stop. Obviously, I haven't.

About, there's a Neal Diamond song this situation reminds me of, and part of the lyrics go like this:

It happens much too often
Won't ever make the headlines
Somebody's broken heart ain't new
Except when it happens to you.

I'm not even a Neal Diamond fan, but that concept has kind of stayed with me. I actually have two situations going on right now that remind me of yours, in that way: a family with a child who I love is moving away, and I have no idea how frequently I'll see them, and person I am close to is being tried for false charges. He may be released; he may be...I have a hard time finishing that sentence.

People move all the time, right? And legal troubles are common, at least here. "Don't do the crime if you can't do the time," they say, but this saying does not address the numerous false imprisonments and excessive sentences...and dangers faced by incarcerated citizens.

What I'm trying to say is that a bruised or broken heart hurts, and ambiguity over what is actually happening complicates that.

I can tell you what helps me as I lug around this 50 lb heart: time outside. Sunshine. A little exercise. Being with good people--they are everywhere. Good nutrition, especially lots of produce.

Basic self-care, in other words.

There's terror in potentially losing a therapist, just as a tiny child faces (or a big child faces--I am thinking about when I lost my mother last year)--at the loss of a parent. People might not understand why it's distressing; that's the kind of thing that can be hard to share. It will be hard for me when that little child moves away, though others might wonder why and be inclined to tell me, but you'll still see her sometimes.

Doesn't matter. It hurts.

My suggestions are to be gentle with yourself, and take care of yourself.

That's all I've got. My best to you.

About, I think the pain of not knowing is real in itself, and needs care, time, gentle treatment. Perhaps try to allow that grief that is already present (and perhaps carries with it some of the pain of the past). It feels overwhelming but it needs nothing 'done' to it - it just needs the time and space to be felt.

I remember reading once that there is a distinction between 'pain' and 'suffering'. Pain is unavoidable, it comes in life and is a part of the mix with love and joy and anger and all the rest.

'Suffering' is what we add to our pain - it's the second-order stuff that complicates and sometimes infects the wound that would otherwise heal in its own time. Suffering is - 'I mustn't feel this!' 'I am bad for feeling this' 'If I do X I can stop feeling this' 'I deserve to feel this way!' 'I will never love again' 'I am unlovable!' 'There is something wrong with me', 'This feeling will never end' and so on. These thoughts try to take us away from what we feel right now, to make sense of it, control it, lessen it.

I don't think it's easy to 'just stop' thinking this way, as your childhood T seemed to be saying, and if you are having this kind of suffering it is not your fault; it's just part of our emotional inheritance. What I find helps when I notice my thoughts are going in these directions is if I just give myself more space for the core pain. This hurts; it is real; it is natural that it hurts; I am allowed to care for myself because I am hurting.

XXX

((about))
i'm sorry you're facing this painful uncertainty. i dont know if i have anything helpful to say but this reminded me of when i was uncertain if i would be able to continue seeing my T (a while ago now). i probably didnt cope with it very well, but now thinking back, its not something you CAN cope very well with. not knowing for sure if you will lose her means that you can't actually grieve, only in some terrifying glimpses of what could happen. but its good to have the hope too, and why not hold on to it for now?

i think, like you said, there's not much to be done because you have to wait to find out what will happen. maybe a little distraction could help too if the waiting and feeling helpless about it is too much. also a project can be helpful, and the drawing you're preparing for your T sounds like a great idea.

i know how excruciating waiting and feeling helpless can be and i feel for you. i hope you're hanging on ok. trying to control things and falling back on your old coping mechanisms is perfectly ok (i dont think your childhood T knew what she was talking about).

puppet

Thank you a lot for your answers, and sorry for the 'tantrum'. I am quite sure that you all know the feeling of being left alone with the fear, and, .... really needing, more than answers, people to be afraid with. I had not realised it that much when I last posted. Thank you for caring enough to be those persons.

I'll write actual answers to each of you tomorrow morning, as my brain is quite mushy right now.

Thank you a lot.

Thank you for all your answers.

Exploring: Thank you for your answer and the suggestion of the song, it does resonate with me, and I am sorry you understand it so much as well.
I am trying to keep busy, to deal with one thing at a time, being on holidays does not help much, too much time to stay with only my thoughts, and they are not a very good company. But I am a bit better.

Jones: My therapist had mentioned the idea of suffering, and... yes, I am quite good at it. Thank you for your words and understanding.

puppet: Thank you. I am vaguely afraid of hoping too much, afraid that if this does not happen, I will hurt even more. So I try to stay... in-between, but that's not very easy to just keep myself from feeling. My T is being very supportive (but it sort of makes it worse, because... hey, see how great she is, and I'll maybe lose her.)