(((Draggers)))

I really don't know. For me (and for my T), love is such a spiritual concept that it would be hard, and maybe nonsensical, to distinguish. There is our own, selfish, human, oft-failing love, and then perfect love that we aspire to and need help to cultivate.

My attachment feelings toward T might be different than the way I love other important figures in my life, but the actual caring about him and his well-being doesn't feel any different to me. And, I think even though he might have a bit of a different dynamic with me than some other clients (e.g. my H, who does no attachment stuff whatsoever), I can tell he very much cares deeply for those others in his life, whether clients or friends. There are different boundaries in those relationships, but hearing him talk about clients and about friends, it has the same "texture" to it. So, I think the "love" is maybe the same, but it just manifests differently depending on the context of the relationship?

I think it's the same, but more intense because I'm closer to her than your average joe on the street.

Because the relationship is often one sided I feel like real love should not be there, but with anyone focusing on us/our needs even if it's not the same kind of love as we have for everyone... it's still going to be there. I think love is a gateway to the healing that needs to take place for deep work. For me it's the only way to trust, because I can't trust unless I know I can forgive, survive, etc.

I'm having a very very hard time in therapy right now with being close. It's hard. So I'm kind of confused on this topic too.

I once told T that I love her and she said she loved me too. I've never said it again. I don't need to I guess. I know we love each other but I also know that how I love her is way different then how she loves me. I am ok with that.

's to all above.

(()cat))) (((draggers))) I have to agree with both of you; I think it's the same, but MUCH more intense. The love I feel for my T is like nothing I've experienced before IRL.

(((River))) I tell T I love her most weeks and when she tells me she loves me too it's like draggers says; I float on cloud nine just hearing those words

hey draggers, nice to see you!!
i have no comment on the L word sorry, but just wanted to say


puppet

(((Draggers))) It is good to see you again.

I think that my Ts love for me is genuine love and that I genuinely love him. But I understand your struggle. The therapeutic relationship really is a unique kind of relationship. A romantic relationship is not a friendship but can have strong elements of friendship in it (my DH is also one of my closest friends). I think the closest parallel for a therapeutic relationship is a parental one since the care of the therapist is both unconditional love and the relationship always flows towards the client. But they are not our parents, they are our therapists. At its base I believe all love is just that, love, sourced in our Creator, and flowing through us. It an take on so many forms. In therapy its bounded differently than other relationships. On one hand its limited to a specific time and place, for discrete blocks of time. On the other hand, where else do you get such total focus on you and your needs, to have someone care so totally for you without looking to their own needs?

It took me a VERY long time to recognize the reality of what took place with my T, but I have come to believe it is a deep, intimate love whose connection transcends time and space, but its expression is limited to the spoken word in a specified time and place. In a way I see it as narrow but within those confines the depth is endless and there is complete freedom to be myself. It is one of the most important relationships in my life. And while I know I am not as important or as close to the center of who my therapist is, I truly know he loves me and acts always in my best interests. I am infinitely grateful for it and the healing that has flowed from it.

Doesn't stop me from still wanting more at times, mind you, but I am working towards making my complete peace with that. I have come a long way. This is all my very long winded way of saying that I understand your struggle to try and fit it somewhere. It really doesn't. It is just what it is and must be accepted as such. And what you have with your T probably isn't quite what I have with my T, or someone else has with their T. Like all relationships, it is unique because the two people involved are unique. But I have no doubt your T loves you, as I couldn't imagine someone knowing you and being able to resist loving you.

AG

quote:

cos to accept its real i have to have somewhere to place it against, if that makes any sense? probably not, im rambling Cool

Draggers,
You're making total sense to me (not sure how reassuring that should be Smiler). Below is a quote from a post on my blog ( The "L" word Part II ) where I was struggling with the same feelings:

quote:

So as you can imagine, it was a relief to have the subject out there and the topic breached. As I wrote to a friend, I spent the next two weeks, in a "weird head space." Talking to BN about love in the relationship seems to have hit something really deep. I spent half of my time stunned that BN was so accepting and affirming about the love in the relationship and the other half terrified at the thought that he really loves me. It once again evoked some of the pain of the boundaries and my endless quest to define just what this relationship is. In some ways, my relationship with him goes so deep that it just defies definition. It just is, I have no way to characterize it. So, for lack of better words, it’s like I’m in my mind, looking for the right place to put our relationship down but every table top or shelf I approach, as I go to place it there, it’s like “nope, that’s not quite it, it’s not THAT kind of relationship." So I am standing with my hands full of this amazing thing that I have no idea what to do with. The uniqueness of the therapeutic relationship can sometimes cause a lot of confusion.

So what you are saying resonates very strongly with me. My T often describes the relationship in therapy as "an odd duck." That kind of sums it up.

AG

Draggers,

This is a "loaded" topic as my T says.
I brought the L word up with her awhile back, and she got all analytical and specific, and wanted to pick apart the context, etc. etc. and I asked if we could just let it BE what it is........which is something she often says to me.

She has previously told me years ago that she does not love me, which nearly chopped me in half, but she may have been talking in one of her contexts that I was not able to comprehend.

I do think that "T love" is genuine and something that evolves naturally; especially in long term therapy with someone. I would hope that most T's would be willing and comfortable to talk about it with their clients, but some are not as open as others, and some, like mine, are just too concrete, and let's face it.....Love is pretty abstract.

Blu

I wonder if our love for T depends on what stage we were wounded. Mine was from the moment of conception so I'm suck at a very early level. I'm desperate for T to be the 'good breast'. I want to take her into my mouth for oral satisfaction.