LG,
I answered yes. My T has never come out and told me he loved me (nor do I ever expect to hear those words) but he has talked about our relationship as a loving one and about me feeling loved within it. He has talked about loving his patients in a general sense, and that the source of that love is not him but flows through him. He has also talked about the fact that the theraputic relationship is the closest thing we can experience to unconditional love. He is trustworthy, focused on my good, listens to me, understands me, cares for me, is tender and gentle and always seeks my good. If that is not love, I don't know what love looks like. I can't always hang onto the sense that he loves me, but when I with him, I KNOW its true.

And I have deeply appreciated that he has been comfortable accepting that I love him and that I've been able to tell him that. Thanks for asking.

AG

Right now I'm the only No vote. I am envious of those of you who feel loved by your therapist. What an amazing gift for you and your T.

Yes, T has said I am "loved and highly valued by God and me [him]." I think in a very appropriate T-like way, he definitely cares for and loves me, and his clients in general.

AG,
What you wrote is beautiful. I love that even though he has never told you that he loves you, he has managed to help you feel the love he has for you. That truly is a gift, because anyone can SAY they love you, but not that many people can make you FEEL they love you.

Incognito,
I'm sorry. I, too, am envious of those who feel loved their T. I haven't answered the question in the poll because I'm not really sure how I feel. At times I do feel loved. Other times, I do not, but I don't know if its because I am getting too hung up on hearing the words.

Yaku,
Your T sounds very genuine and loving from all that I've read about him thus far. I do get the sense that he loves you and genuinely cares about you as a person. I'm glad you are able to feel that love.


For me, I tend to get really focused on hearing that phrase, "I love you". I don't know why its so important to me that T tell me this, but it really bothers me that she either 1. doesn't love me or 2. does, but won't tell me. Either way, it is painful for me.

However, there are times when I do feel loved. Like today, when we were talking about my exhusband and some of the very hurtful things he told me about why he had an affair. There was some silence and then T said, "I'm just going to say this, but I know I probably shouldn't....I really want to kick his ass". It was so unexpected and so honest. I know she wasn't being literal and would never kick anyone's ass, but the way she said it felt so genuine. I felt loved by her that she was so outraged at how treated me.

There are other times when I have felt loved by her as well, but then she'll do something like forget that we have an appointment or take a long time to respond to a text and then I get back on the "she doesn't really care" bandwagon.

I wish that I could let go of my need to hear from her mouth that she loves me. I feel like I am starting to get to that point, but am not quite there. I am tempted to bring this up with her, but I fear the discussion will be painful and embarrassing for me.

I didn't vote at all because I've had both experiences. There have been three T's that I've worked with for a significant length of time. Two of them I would vote No. The last one, I would vote Yes.

The two No's were the male T's I tried to work with. Incognito and LG, I also feel wildly envious when others describe knowing that their (male) T's love them (but also glad for those patients at the same time, because it is what I wanted too!!). I never felt anything like love or even care from either of those two T's...more like fear, as if they held me at arm's length the entire time, and couldn't wait to get rid of me. Still hurts to think about it.

But the Yes was the T I just ended with. She was a really amazing T in so many ways. It was actually hard to discern her personal feelings about me. She never actually said those words "I love you", but she was always consistent in being present and attuned to whatever I needed to talk about. I think the reason it was hard for me to tell how she really felt is because she hardly ever talked about herself...she always kept the focus on me and my feelings and my therapy, while still being really present. She would tell me she enjoyed our sessions and that she looked forward to seeing me...but there was something always in the back of my mind, saying "she's just saying that to be nice, but she doesn't really mean it" (nasty little voice, that). I think it finally really hit me in that last session, at the end, when she gave me those flowers that had always been there in the same spot for two years. I still can't believe she gave them to me. It's like she gave me a piece of herself. Something about her doing that told me, she really saw and heard me...and all the little ways in which she'd been doing that all along just lit up in my memory. I wish I had believed it sooner, we might have been able to do more work, if I had.

Okay this was probably a longer answer than you were looking for. But oh well.

SG

I am not even certain mine likes me. She keeps saying I am challenging which I believe is a nice way of saying difficult or hopeless or extremely frustrating. I kind of hope she is feeling frustration because I certainly am. I would probably totally freak out if love of any type entered the picture. I can barely tolerate the idea of her not disliking me.

I haven't voted as I don't know.

Young T - definitely liked me, appreciated me, thought I was funny, never knew what I was going to say, enjoyed me, I challenged her and kept her on her toes. She definitely liked me a lot - despite the common friend and difficulties we had. maybe also liked me because of the mutual friend.

T - when she was my old T - same - I know she liked me, respected me, appreciated me

T - now after a couple of sessions - we have already slipped into an easy groove together, there is a lot of familiarity, she is quite open, but I think she is like that with all people - as she came out to reception and said that she might be late for our appt as her boy is in a sport carnival at school. NOw is she telling me this because I have met her kids (when they were babies)and is very familiar with me or is she open to all her clients?

Pretty sure T likes me - she is probably honoured that I came back to her after such a long break.

Love? Man, Young T would never say it - she would blow a gasket.
T - I don't think she would ever say it either.

Thinking about it is quite confronting. I will be with this T for a long time - bar anything going wrong, so I will revisit this later.

StrummerGirl.

I REALLY, really think your T LOVED you. If she didn't speak about herself, yet she was so attentive and said she enjoyed and looked forward to your sessions AND gave you those flowers. I reckon - that is LOVE. She just didn't say the words.

SG,

From things you have written about your last T, I agree that she loves you. I can feel it in your posts.

SD,
I'm so glad you are in touch with your oldT. She sounds so comforting and genuine, and after only just a few sessions you two are back in your groove. There is clearly a lot of trust and familiarity there. It sounds as though you in much better hands with this T than the last one.

DF,
Your T sounds amazing. Strong, tough, but full of love. Really a great combination of qualities for a therapist. So glad you allow yourself to feel her love. Do you know when you started to feel that love from her? How long had you been doing therapy together at that point?

Pretty much what AG said. My T has never said that she loves me and I don't expect that she ever will. However, her care feels very genuine and I do feel loved (as in cared for and considered) by my T.

I voted no, but of course I've only been in therapy for a couple months so maybe that's too short a time for love (as in affection) to develop.

On the other hand, I do believe she has love (as in goodwill) for me and all her clients, but I didn't think that was exactly what you were inquiring about, LG? She has said that she likes and cares about me. I believe that she cares about me, but the liking part is a bit harder to believe in and accept-- especially because I know (or think I know, lol) that I frustrate her sometimes.

This is such a difficult question. I did not vote but here is why. I have had two male T’s and the feelings have always felt very confusing. I used to think oldT loved me in his own selfish, self- serving way but now I cannot even imagine that was love or why would he have abandoned me in the most hurtful, harmful and damaging way? I think he liked having me around to feed his ego and prop him up and then when I started to really need him he couldn’t handle it and threw me under the bus. He would cancel me for sporting events and other personal “fun” events. He would constantly move my appointments around at the last minute, he was not dependable and consistent at all and beyond that… whenever I tried to discuss my feelings for him he made me feel “bad” and ashamed for having them. It is now SO obvious that he has no idea how to have a therapeutic relationship with a patient and the thought of one scares and confuses him more than it does me.

As far as my current T … I am not sure and mostly because he does not know me for very long (11 months today!). I know he “likes” me and “cares” about me and he feels “protective” towards me because he has told me these things. He also tells me how much he trusts and respects me. He tells me that he has become “invested” in me and in my getting well. Is that love? I have NO idea what that all is. I’m not even sure I WANT him to love me because look where that got me last time! I’m not sure I love him or I can love anyone anymore because it’s just too frightening. There is a certain attachment I feel towards him but it’s not nearly as intense as what I felt for my oldT. I think the ability to feel that way about anyone has died in me.

My current T certainly shows he cares in how he has given me twice per week sessions despite having an extremely full schedule. He is always there, always responds to my phone calls and very rarely misses an email. He never changes in his behavior towards me whether I’m being funny, angry, sobbing or sitting there with a blanket over my head. He is very consistent, keeps clear good boundaries, shakes my hand coming and going and pats my arm in a comforting way. He even moved another patient around to give me a double session that day with oldT. But despite all of this, I still don’t know what it all means. He never shows me any emotion or empathy. Maybe I just cannot accept it as love because love is just too frightening to contemplate for me. At this point I just see it as a T doing his job in a very competent way. I don’t think he does more or less for me than he would for anyone who walked through the door. I do feel many times like I’m just one of thousands and he does with me what he does with everyone. Cynical? Maybe. But if I don’t love him he can’t hurt me. That is where I am.

I do feel so wistful when reading of those of you who do feel loved by your T. I just think at this point in my life it’s just not a possibility that I have accepted.

Thanks for the question LG.

TN

quote:

I don’t think he does more or less for me than he would for anyone who walked through the door. I do feel many times like I’m just one of thousands and he does with me what he does with everyone. Cynical? Maybe. But if I don’t love him he can’t hurt me.

TN,

This resonated with me. I think my T tailors her treatment to what each client needs (within reason), but I don't think that she does anything for me that she wouldn't do for someone else. Still, I feel caring from her and I've seen empathy and emotion from her, but I think that is how she is with everyone most likely. The problem is that I have parts that do love her. Some of us just like her a lot, but there are others that are much more attached and have said they love her (young parts). I hate that because I know it isn't something that I will ever get back (other than in the therapeutic sense) so it just seems like a really good way to get hurt again.

To me it is obvious that your T really cares about you, but I do hear what you are saying. (((hugs)))

(((TN))) I agree with STRM that your T really does care and what I describe as my T loving me is exactly what I see your T feeling/showing toward you. It is not the type of love where they need us for anything, which is how I am used to the love I receive feeling. That is what you got from OldT and it wasn't safe in the therapeutic environment. T needing me would be both great (safe from abandonment, though obviously this is not true, and familiar feeling) and terrifying (his personal motivations entering my healing sphere). I do think your T cares very deeply for you. You have been with him about the same amount of time I have been with mine, so I don't think that amount of time is two short for him to develop deep caring for you, especially when you see each other frequently, keep in contact during the week when needed, and you are sharing such deep, vulnerable stuff. I think the T relationship is a really accelerated one, because of that vulnerability.


STRM -

quote:

The problem is that I have parts that do love her. Some of us just like her a lot, but there are others that are much more attached and have said they love her (young parts). I hate that because I know it isn't something that I will ever get back (other than in the therapeutic sense) so it just seems like a really good way to get hurt again.

(((((hugs))))) Can I say my heart kind of ached when I read this, because I know the feeling so much. I think I must have brought this up to T like half a dozen times, how ridiculous and risky it is for me to allow the young parts to care so much about him, to attach. Well, I think this is probably relatable to everyone in a way, needing to sort out what the connection "means" or if it can even mean something.

quote:

I hate that because I know it isn't something that I will ever get back (other than in the therapeutic sense) so it just seems like a really good way to get hurt again.

STRM...this is what I am feeling. Even IF (big IF) my T felt love for me I would never hear it or know it and I could not get anything back in any way other than him being a T to me and ... yeah it seems like a perfect set up for pain.

Yaku... I know that my T needs nothing from me... or at least he tells me the only thing he needs from me is that I get well. And he has told me if I do get well I don't have to leave him, so that removes the "get well" fear/bind. And I do realize and understand that this can only be a one way relationship and so I'm feeling like I don't want any other one way relationships. Of course if I told my T this he would really be upset with me and argue with me that it's not one way it's just that it's more intense on my side than his side. And that he is not "exempt" from the feelings in the room and he was very much a part of our relationship.

I guess it's just the very nature of this weird, unique indescribable relationship that can only exist inside a room. And yeah I know it's to protect me, except that it didn't last time even though I tried to keep it in that boundaried box. I know that I'm really cynical but even though I feel attached to my T in a way, I will never allow him to mean as much to me as my oldT did.

TN

I voted no without hesitation - I think she likes me within the confines of the room but not enough to cross the street to greet if you know what I mean! Sad really

Good thread LG - you made me face up to my thoughts on this!

I didn't vote yet because I can't decide if T loves me or not. She's confusing. Now ask me if I love her...that's a whole other story.

FOT,

I just wanted to say that I love what you wrote and it has given me something to think about.

I still have not voted in this poll, but I am leaning towards a no.

I keep thinking of the various words for love in Greek (I think BB has brought this up before). I'm not even sure I can fully pinpoint which of the words I think applies to my T...

I think our broad concept of "love" has so many flavors to it that me saying my T "loves" me is the same exact thing as some others on here are describing their T caring, but NOT loving them. LOL, so confusing.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Greek_words_for_love

A 16th century Christian mystic, William Law, defined love as "the will towards all goodness." It's like a force of pure, unadulterated goodwill directed towards someone. It manifests itself differently in different relationships, as appropriate and in keeping with "all goodness" towards the recipient.

I think according to this definition, all good Ts do in fact offer love.

Just throwing that out there for what it's worth.

This just triggered a memory. Young T is of greek origin and a memory just appeared when I read yaku's comment of all the Greek words for Love.

Once when I was telling youngT something and I told her she was a pain in the bum sometimes because she was too attentive.

She said something - that coming to think of it now, was really out there for her.

She said to me with a big smile "yeah, but you still love me".

Given our history that was a funny thing to say. Perhaps a slip up from her.... This was about session 6 - so I wasn't even attached. I think she forgot that we were client-T and it would be something you would say to a friend.

I can't even remember what I answered to that.

I would say I believe my old T loved me in her own way but in actual fact I never believed that, even though she told me on a couple of occasions that she did. I do however believe that she cared deeply about me, even if she may have forgotten who I am now. I also think actions speak far louder than words and it it good to see the different experiences that people have. If only all of T's could love us or at least we could feel they did!

Butterfly

((((flutters)))) and ((((draggers))))) s and s, Morgs xx

I've gone back and forth a lot on this one. But even as furious as I am with my T at the moment, I think I've arrived at a point where I believe that, Yes, she does love me.