Going through a very painful time at the moment. At times I feel I am about to lose my mind.
Managed to get to T today. Sat falling apart. Explained how bad I feel through dripping tears.
Yet again I feel I'm wanting T to jump into it all with me. I told her I can't seem to bridge the gap between my desire for love and the proffessional relationship.
T said but you have people in your life that love you, your children, your husband.
I said but that love isn't enough. T said I think it feels flat, the love you desire feels 'exciting/alive' because your mother would keep you hooked by offering a tiny glimpse of what could have been possible, but never allowed you to fully have it so you were caught up in the dynamic of being tantalised with the hope of getting something more.
It's that which you still chase, but love was never really there, you actually are getting more now than back then.
She added, you can't ever get her rejection of you reversed. You look for that kinda phantasy love repetively in the hope of changing it. The fear you wake up to is how it must have felt as a baby waking up with no one there.
The emotional pain was unbearable in session, I said how can reliving these experiences be good? T said, we need to put words to them so we can put them in their right place, the past instead of you living as if its happening now.